


Sick Strawhats

by BlueDayGecko, StrawhatsAndDelibirds



Category: One Piece
Genre: F/M, M/M, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-04-23 18:12:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 101,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4886731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueDayGecko/pseuds/BlueDayGecko, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawhatsAndDelibirds/pseuds/StrawhatsAndDelibirds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What's more terrifying than the Marines, Sea Kings, and any Warlord?<br/>The dreaded man cold<br/>How many times will the crew's appointed dad cry during this mess?<br/>The answer may surprise you</p><p>Follow me on my tumblr if you have any comments, questions, concerns, or ideas for possible future works at strawhatsanddelibirds.tumblr.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

Truly disgusting.

To think that in this day and age, there were still people uncouth enough not to cover their nose and mouth when they sneezed. He could have at least sneezed to the side or something and not on her. It had been such a nice day and then someone has to go and ruin it by being utterly disgusting.

“You bastard! How dare you sneeze on my dear sweet Nami like that! I oughta kick you into the ocean you shitty bastard!” The very literally flaming chef scolded, his knee already lifted to deliver a vicious kick to the disgusting man who had sneezed on her.

As gross as it was, there was no use starting a fight over something like that before they left the island. The last thing they needed were marines on their tail again. Besides, it was obviously an accident. Most people weren’t that big of jerks to do something like that for no reason. “Come on Sanji. There’s no point in beating up a sick man. It’s fine. I’m over it anyways. Let’s just get this stuff back to the ship.”

In an instant, Sanji went from ready to fight to swooning over Nami. “Anything you say, Nami my dear~! You’re so sexy when you’re forgiving like this~!” Sanji drooling over her wasn’t a new thing in the least. By now it was just life, so it wasn’t really worth noticing anymore. It was like Zoro lifting ridiculous amounts of weight or Luffy getting people to play childish games like tag on deck. It wasn’t worth paying much attention.

“I know, now start walking, lover boy.”

By the time she had turned her head to look back at the sick man, he had already run for his life. For a man who looked like he was only a few shades from being perfectly translucent, he sure could run when he wanted to. Who could blame him? As gentlemanly as he acted, Sanji was still a monster in his own rights. He did have a reputation for bursting into flames without the need of a devil fruit or anything other than friction, passion and rage. Even if he didn’t look like his bounty picture, he still looked enough like it for some to connect the dots. It seemed like this man was one of those few poor souls. He was lucky enough not to have the time to bring it up before he hauled ass as fast as someone who was basically shaped like a comma moments before could.

They soon said goodbye to the tiny island and took off back to the sea. The log pose had been set so there was no reason for them to stay there any longer. No friends had been made, no conflicts had been left unresolved, and their only accomplishment was that they had gathered all the supplies they needed. There was nothing holding them back from setting off into the wonders of the Grand line’s sea.

Life continued on for a good few days as normal. Luffy was getting Usopp and Chopper to play games with him, Sanji and Zoro were fighting over something trivial, Franky was down in his workshop probably working on some new gadget that would get the boys excited, Robin was reading something that was probably on some ruin in a far off land, and Brook was livening up the already noisy crew with some music that the captain was soon to join in singing. There wasn’t anything noteworthy happening and all was relatively calm for them. It was a nice change of pace.

Though Nami found it odd how no one had commented on how chilly it was for such a nice day. It wasn’t strange for Luffy, Chopper, Franky and Brook not to notice, but the rest of them would have said something, or at least would have changed how they were dressed. Well maybe not Zoro, but then Usopp, Sanji and Robin all had enough sense to change into something more appropriate for the weather. And with such a sudden change in temperature in the last few days, she’d have to make sure nothing drastic happened weather wise. It’d be a disaster if something were to bear down on them now that they were already so far out at sea.

Everything seemed normal, which was strange. She’d have to chalk that one up to the Grandline’s odd weather patterns she supposed. Maybe they were just getting closer to a winter island or something of the like. Now that she thought of that, it did make sense. It was nothing to worry about. She’d just go back to the girl’s cabin and maybe catch up on some reading of her own with Robin.

Soon enough, supper came around. Even though it smelled really good, Nami just wasn’t all that hungry. She ate a little of it, but then offered the rest to Zoro. She didn’t want it, and as a result of the fight between himself and the cook, Zoro had been given a smaller portion (not small enough for him to go hungry, but not enough for him to be entirely satisfied). Nothing too out of the ordinary, your average “moss head” “shitty cook” fight. There were swords drawn and kicks thrown. All in all, your standard argument between the two. This one just so happened to take place close to a meal and ended prematurely, thus it dragging into dinner. Those two could be so childish sometimes.

It was clear that Zoro was hesitant in accepting anything she offered to him that didn't have a clear price tag, and he seemed to be weighing the risk of potential financial penalty. She watched the great Roronoa Zoro stare down one of her dumplings like it was gonna jump off the plate and bite him in the ass. She wasn't sure how she could convince him that this was just her acting out of the kindness of her own heart so she opted for raising an eyebrow in a silent challenge. It worked as well as expected and soon the man was eating her supper with just a tad more violence than usual. Being as mealtimes with the crew were never a peaceful event, her passing her meal to Zoro went unnoticed as there was much greater concern with other people at the table having no manners and no ability to calm down when food was present.

As with most meals, afterwards Zoro took a nap against the rail. It didn’t take long for him to be joined by Usopp and then Luffy. Soon enough Chopper joined in too. As she looked on, it baffled her as to how those idiots could just sleep in a pile like that and be comfortable. But seeing as other than snoring they were keeping out of trouble, she’d let them be and continue on with her life.

The silence didn’t last long, as they soon were up and moving around again. Zoro went back to training and Luffy, Usopp and Chopper found some new game to play. Shame they couldn’t have stayed quiet longer. At the very least, it was entertaining to watch them as they ran around the deck like children. Even more so when you remembered that these were all skilled fighters with impressive bounties playing games like Hide and Seek, Tag and Red Light Green Light. How she had ended up with weirdos like that was beyond her.

What made it more bearable was that she had a lovely tangerine drink courtesy of Sanji, who was eager as ever to please the ladies by providing them with sweet concoctions before fluttering away in ecstasy for having succeeded in his mission to give the girls what they wanted.

The games had stopped, as it seemed that whatever Franky had been working on was now done and ready to be tested. She still didn’t understand how excited the boys got over the things Franky built. They were interesting and by all accounts brilliant, but nothing to lose your mind over like that for. She could hear what they were yelling. But seeing as they were all yelling at the same time and all different things, it all mashed together into one incoherent mess of excited shouts. All this noise was giving her a headache. She wasn’t on watch, so maybe she’d return to the cabin and do a little work on her maps before she turned in for the night.

Being the civilized person she was, she returned her glass to the kitchen. Naturally Sanji reprimanded himself for making his goddess bring down her own glass and not being there to do it for her, before complimenting her on how amazing she was for doing something so menial for him even though she really didn’t have to. She held back her irritation and offered him a smile that had him swooning all over. She knew she shouldn't encourage him but always found it difficult to shut him down in the kitchen where he was constantly busy for the well being of the entire crew.

The silence was welcomed as she went into the library and closed the door softly behind her. While it wasn’t completely quiet, it was a lot better than out on deck. The walls weren’t completely sound proof in case something was happening outside that needed everyone’s attention (and the fact that you’ll never truly be able to block out the sound of Luffy yelling unless you shut him up yourself), but they did the job of keeping everything at least a little more peaceful.

What was not welcomed was the sudden rocking of the ship thanks to Franky’s latest inventions. Had Robin not sprouted hands to keep the inkwell from tipping over onto the map she was working on, she would have killed them. Or at the very least make them wish that she had. As always, Robin was a godsend but now she was too aggravated to work on her maps. Her lines were never nice when she worked while angry. They were always too heavy and lost the grace and precision they normally had.

Sighing, she put aside her quill and decided that maybe she’d work on her map at a later time and instead just take a nice hot bath to calm her before bed. The bath on the Sunny was probably better than most 5 star spas. Not to mention that Robin was always willing to share the bath salts and oils that she picked up in their travels. Maybe she’d try “Rose Spring”, or that “Lilac Shower” one. Robin always knew which ones were the best.

That was probably what she needed anyways. She was probably just a little stressed from Luffy being Luffy and the guys rocking the ship with their nonsense. A nice bath would soothe her nerves, and then she’d go to bed a little earlier, and she’d be feeling great come morning. She’d put on her comfiest pajamas and have a great night’s sleep. That’s what she’d do.

 

 


	2. Monday

Come morning, she felt no better. In fact, she felt worse.

She had gone from cold to freezing cold. Had the weather changed so drastically overnight that the whole ship was freezing? She was sitting in bed holding the blankets around her shoulders, trying to maintain some warmth, when Robin walked in with damp hair. She had obviously just returned from her morning bath and was wearing a very short skirt and a top that had already caused two slightly charred breakfasts in the past. How the hell could she be wearing something like that when it was so cold out?

Concern crossed the archaeologist’s face as she folded her arms across her chest. An arm bloomed from Nami’s shoulder and the hand rested against her forehead. The concern stayed on her face in an unmoving frown.

It was the startling temperature difference between her own skin and Robin's hand that started the wheels turning in her head. Maybe it wasn’t the weather that was bad, maybe it was her. Maybe this whole thing was just her misreading the signs and she was just getting sick. But when- That guy from the docks, he had to have been the reason that she was in this mess! Unbelievable! If she ever saw that asshole again it wouldn’t be Sanji that he was running from. Sanji wouldn’t even get the chance to go after him. She had a vague memory of most of her crew mates saying they had never been sick, and then a bunch who she wasn’t even sure could get sick. So at the very least they had a cook, a shipwright (maybe), a musician (probably but who knows), the captain, a swordsman, and a sniper. That was over half the crew that could still cover for them. Not great, but it wasn’t terrible. At the very least Franky, Brook and Usopp probably could keep them on course, so they wouldn’t be too doomed without her for a day or two.

She was so lost in thought she hadn’t even noticed Robin sprout more arms, laying her down and pulling a blanket over her until she was already tucked in.

“Nami, I’ll go get Chopper, just take it easy.” She instructed. Hoping to keep it all under control and not have it spread, she agreed. She gave Robin a nod, allowing the woman to leave the room. It didn’t take long before the silence was broken by panic. Though it was short lived. It never took much to placate their doctor.

Soon enough Robin walked back through the door with a very flattered and wiggly Chopper. Someone had obviously complimented him moments before he came in and he hadn’t had time to recover. Though he quickly remembered why he was here and hurried over to the bed to see just how bad things were and to give her a diagnosis.

After a quick check up, everything became clear.

“You just have the flu, nothing too serious. I have some medicine back in the sick bay for your symptoms, but you should stay in bed and take it easy so you’ll get better faster. And be sure to keep drinking. I’ll be sure to bring water with me when I come back. Robin, you should stay here and rest too. You’re looking a little pale yourself.” Chopper ordered. Knowing better than to question the doctor’s orders, both women agreed to stay in bed until they were feeling better.

It was nice to enjoy just a quiet morning to themselves, Chopper no doubt keeping the order on deck to ensure everything stayed nice and quiet so they could rest properly. When he went full doctor mode, there really wasn’t any arguing with Chopper, well… unless you were a total blockhead like Zoro and Luffy. Those two were a disaster, Luffy mostly due to his inability to stop bouncing while he’s conscious and Zoro for his seeming inability to be able to be conscious and not be bench-pressing something. It was a miracle that those two hadn’t killed themselves from their sheer stupidity.

Throughout the day, it seemed like everyone stopped by. Usopp told a few stories about all his great adventures that he had long before they met and about all the parts of the Grandline he covered on his own as a young child. He even graced them with a few stories of the great hero Sniper King. Chopper checked up on them every hour on the hour, with such accuracy that if it weren’t for the sound of his hooves as he approached, they could have sworn he waited outside the door. It had gotten to the point where they didn’t even need to check the clock, they knew an hour had passed just by the sound of his hooves clacking on the hardwood outside of their room as he walked up to the door. Sanji made sure they both had drinks, ranging from fruity beverages like juice and smoothies, to teas, and water. Nothing was too good for his ladies. Franky offered to make an adjustment to their beds so they could change the angle without pillows. His offer was declined as they didn’t want him doing anything weird to their beds. Brook sung a few songs to cheer them up. He sung everything from old songs that he learned as a kid, songs that were popular when he was alive, songs from this era and songs he had simply made up on the spot (a few were altered to add his personal touch of “show me your panties” for good measure). Luffy kept popping in to make sure they were in the know with all that was happening on the ship outside of their room. Not a single detail was skipped by him and he was sure to tell them what everyone was doing every minute of the day and what every cloud looked like and what they ate at lunch that day the whole time that they were stuck in their room with nothing to do. They also noticed a certain swordsman discretely poking his head in a few times, but he could have just been lost...

It was a nice quiet day for them, even if they were being checked up on almost constantly. After what happened on Little Garden, she could understand why most of them seemed almost paranoid about her illness. For most of their crew at the time, they probably didn’t have a lot of experience with illness and she did almost die back then. Even if it was just a little flu, if she were in their position, she’d be worried too.

In between all the visits, the two of them could just idly chat about really anything, read or rest to their heart’s content. Nami slept a fair bit of the time, but on occasion she would go out on deck to make sure the weather was still nice, only to have Luffy follow her around like a lost puppy, and Chopper find her too quickly and scold her for getting out of bed when she should be resting.

In the time that she wasn’t resting or checking up on things for herself, she and Robin got the chance to catch up on some reading and just have some casual conversation with each other. Most of it was current events, but some of it strayed to whatever book the other was reading. There was a lot of talk of possible threats in the future based on reports in the papers, and there was a lot of talk of both fictitious love triangles, and the ones that were supposedly real, but were likely as real as the ones in the books they were reading. Tabloids weren’t the best source of information, but it was best to keep an eye on them in case one of their names just so happened to show up. It was really best to nip those kinds of things before they got out of hand and just made a big mess of everything.

 

Though they both did want to get out on deck and stretch their legs a bit, they knew that they’d just slow their recovery. If Luffy’s descriptions of what was going on outside of their room were an indicator as to how things were going, they needed to get better as soon as they could. The mood had dropped without them, which was odd, as they never really played a big role in being loud and energetic. They were usually the relaxed ones (or at least tried to be, with success varying between the two) and they thought that without them, things would have gotten out of control without someone on deck to keep the boys’ from getting too rowdy. But that wasn’t the case at all.

Perhaps it was the fact that without the looming threat of whatever punishment the ladies were going to deal, the fun of being rowdy was gone, or maybe they were just too worried about their friends to want to be loud and rowdy. Though as they knew their boys well at this point, odds were it was a combination of both, with the latter having the bigger influence?

Whatever the cause, one thing was clear; they had to get better as soon as possible. That way, life aboard the Thousand Sunny could return to being hectic and loud as usual. It felt unnatural and almost depressing when it was quiet like this. For the sake of the entire crew, they had to get well.

 

 


	3. Tuesday Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bet you thought that this was going to be from Nami's point of view only. Well guess again you glorious bastards.

As with every morning after breakfast, Zoro sat out on deck, a weight in each hand as he did some bicep curls to warm up before he moved up to the crow’s nest to do some of his heavier workouts. The whole ship was still uncomfortably quiet, but he knew the girls were fine. He had checked up on them before breakfast and neither of them looked like they were going to keel over so it was pretty safe to assume that they’d pull through. Nami would be back to yelling in his ear about debt or something, and Robin would be back out on deck helping in the subtle ways that she quietly does to keep everyone in order.

Not like this would keep everyone from moping. The crew never was quite right when someone was ill or injured unless everyone was banged up in some way for good reason. He was sure everything would return to normal in a few days or so. It was just the flu. You feel like crap and then you’re fine. It wasn’t anything to get worked up about. Chopper was one thing; the poor kid gets worried if you trained with a paper cut. It's in his nature to worry about his friends like that, or really anyone for that matter. The love cook made sense because he’s an idiot and thinks the women can’t handle anything so he has to wait on them hand and foot. Brook and Franky kept it within moderation, but Luffy and Usopp really didn’t have a reason to be so mopey.

Well that’s not entirely true. It might have to do with the fact that neither of them ever had the chance to experience a flu bug first hand. Last time one of them was sick was way back when they were heading to Alabasta. And Nami almost died. But it wasn’t like this was anywhere near the same thing. In fact they hardly seemed sick at all. Chopper even said so himself.

So let’s rephrase that a little.

Most of them didn’t have a good reason to be so mopey.

Though the silence was uncomfortable it did give him plenty of time to reflect and meditate on things. Their last battle could have gone a lot smoother than it did. It was an easy fight, but it still took more time than it probably should. His footwork could have been better, so he could work on that.

Maybe he should work more on his arms though first. These were just his warmup weights and he was having trouble with them when usually he wouldn't even break a sweat. He stopped to check over his equipment. They were indeed some of his normal warm up weights, and nothing seemed off about them. This was really odd, had they been tampered with? He couldn’t help but think that this might have been the shit cooks doing. Hell, it might have even been a bored Luffy’s doing. But Luffy’s handiwork was never quite this neat. The cook was always one to focus on the details after all. But even then, he couldn't pull something like that off without altering the appearance of them even a little. These had to be his weights.

He continued with his warmup trying to ignore the way his breaths were coming in short puffs but the sweat dripping into his eyes was harder to play off. He shouldn’t be sweaty already. It did feel hotter than it was yesterday. He was surprised their doctor wasn't more upset about it. Even if Chopper had been preoccupied with making sure the girls were okay, he would usually have commented on the uncomfortable temperature. Maybe the little guy was getting better at dealing with heat. Either way, it was good for training.

What was not good for training, however, was the overwhelming urge to hurl that kept washing over him. It was distracting to say the least, but it went away if he just ignored it long enough. It was a pain in the ass, but now that he thought about it, the harder the training, the stronger you became. It was probably just the sketchy breakfast he'd had that morning. Sanji had burnt a few pancakes at breakfast and, while the chef usually ate the worst of everything he served, Zoro had the poor judgment to mock his inability to function with breasts in a room and had ended up with the shit end of the meal. 

But the more he thought about it, the more he was realizing that even Sanji's worst meal was absolutely better than anything he found on the islands they stopped at. Not that he'd ever admit it out loud. He fought his breakfast down once more with sheer will before the realization began to dawn on him. A memory of the night before where Nami had been absolutely oblivious to the chaos at dinner. Not even making an attempt to help the shit cook enforce the no eating with your feet rule that they kept firmly in place. Her casually sliding her half eaten meal onto his plate and eventually going to bed early...fuck. She had been sick at dinner and god dammit he knew free anything from Nami was too good to be true. It was probably best not to dwell on it as then he’d only feel worse. He was going to do the smart thing and just ignore it and make persevering through the sickness part of his training. He’d be fine, he’s been pretty much cut in half and that's worse than a little flu bug. There wasn’t any need to bring Chopper's attention to it. Wasn’t like anyone else could get sick, Franky was a robot, Brook was dead, Chopper wasn’t even the same species, and the other three had never gotten sick before, so why should this be any different.

“Oi. Mosshead.”

Fuck, exactly what he needed right now.

“Eyebrows. Busy.” He grunted back, mocking his tone and not looking up from the weights in his hands. There was no reason not to be an ass back, on the contrary he had to play this cool to keep the bastard from coming over here and sniffing him out. If he responded with anything other than their regular insults, he’d come over to check on him. If he didn’t respond, he’d come over and say it louder and slower to him until he responded and he’d notice for sure. At least this way, he could maybe agitate him to the point where he’d be too pissed off to catch on.

Fuck he was coming over already. Perfect. Why was the cook always so nosy? Didn’t he have dishes to wash or women to smother with overwhelming amounts of affection?

“You’re not doing anything right now, you shitty muscle head, so give me a-“There was a pause as Sanji’s eyes studied his own clearly unamused features. There wasn’t enough time to rile him up to the point where he wouldn’t notice something was off. He could tell just by the cook’s change of expression.

“Hey, your face is almost as green as your hair marimo, you’d better not be getting sick too you bastard. Go and lay down or I’m gonna have to kick you unconscious.”

Zoro scoffed. He understood the chef’s concern, but really, he could handle a little flu.

“I’m not sick. I just looked at your swirly eyebrow for too long and got nauseous. I’m fine.” He watched as Sanji’s expression got more agitated. He didn’t know why the cook thought that he’d comply so easily. Maybe if someone less obnoxious had told him, he might have, but unfortunately Sanji tended to be and make an ass of himself every chance he got. Sanji had watched him take the full force of shit a lot worse than a little stomach bug. Zoro knew his limits more than anyone else.

“If you think I’m above kicking a shit head like you just because you’re not feeling well you’re mistaken. I'm gonna give you to the count of three before I kick you through that door and into bed, jackass. One…” If he really thought that was going to work, he was the one mistaken. He was neither Luffy nor a child. Besides, it wasn’t as if he didn’t have his swords at his side. They were evenly matched, and it was just going to be better training for him if he fought with a disadvantage like wanting to hurl. He ignored the chef in favor of doing more bicep curls. ‘Just keep a steady pace and be ready to grab your swords when he strikes.’

“Two…” Knowing the love cook, he’ll strike during three. He’s gotten to the point of downright predictable. He’s seen Luffy get his ass kicked by that tactic too many times for it to be surprising in the least…what is surprising is the way his stomach is suddenly trying to crawl up his throat. Taking a deep breath he tightly seals his lips and breathes out through his nose. He’s going to be fine. He can ride this out.

Nope.

“Thr-“Sanji started, freezing mid hook kick as the swordsman got to his feet. A cocky smirk crosses his lips as the minty man starts to walk away.

“Finally admitting I’m the better figh- where the hell do you think you’re going, mosshead?” His smirk snapped back into a scowl as he trailed after the swordsman, who a few paces ahead of him had reached the edge of the deck. Before Sanji could antagonize him further Zoro suddenly grasped the rail of the ship, leaned over and heaved up his breakfast.

By this point, all eyes that were on deck were now fixated on a recovered Zoro, who was walking passed the now gagging cook and back to his weights. Looked like bicep curls were no longer the name of the game, but bicep hurls were.

That… That was terrible. There was no excuse for that. He was glad that as much as Robin was seemingly omnipresent, she couldn’t read minds because that was embarrassingly terrible. No one knows how bad that was but you, so just go back to training and try not to think about it. Enjoy the quiet because the cook won’t be bothering you anymore since he seems to be too much of a wimp to deal with a little puke and will probably be avoiding you so he doesn’t see you barf again and end up a gagging unrefined mess himself. Never knew he was so squeamish. Good to know.

He’d probably do about a couple hundred more for each arm and then he’d go up to the crow’s nest and do some more with his heavier weights and then keep going from th-

“ZORO!”

Great… he should have figured that Chopper would have something to say about this. He always did.

Naturally the tiny doctor came running over to him, and climbed onto his lap as to be able to reach his forehead. It didn’t take long until the diagnosis was clear, as if it wasn’t already completely obvious as it was. “Zoro! You’re running a fever! You should be in bed!” He squeaked in his tiny concerned voice. Though he didn’t stay tiny for long, as he quickly took his human form, which was massive in comparison, and trapped Zoro in his arms knowing that the swordsman wouldn’t just go on his own and force would be necessary.

“Hey! Let me go! Chopper its fine! Put me down!” Zoro protested, but it was clear he was gaining no ground against the doctor who was already decided on putting the swordsman to bed to get the rest he needed.

“No Zoro! It’s not fine! It’s my job as doctor to make sure that you guys get better and you’re not going to get better like that! No more training until you’re better! Doctor’s orders!” Zoro sighed. This was clearly not a battle he was going to win. Seeing that he was the only guy who was sick, he would have to stay in the sickbay. Chopper would be taking his bunk until he recovered.

He wasn’t picky about where he slept, that wasn’t the problem.  The problem was that with someone stuck in the sickbay, Chopper would be watching him like a hawk, making it harder to leave and properly train. The doctor was going to be paying closer attention to him than the girls, as history would show; Zoro was a terrible patient and if left unattended he would do as he pleased. The girls listened to the doctor’s orders, so he just needed to check up on them to make sure that they were still doing fine.

His tough training session had just been complicated, as now there was no chance of avoiding the little reindeer as he wouldn’t be gone for more than twenty or so minutes at a time. His training sessions would have to be quick and stealthy, as it was obvious where he was going to be trapped the next few days. Great. Just great.

 

 


	4. Tuesday Afternoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been brought to you by The Great Captain Usopp, a man with an aim so great, he can snipe a germ from a hundred feet away.

Something was wrong, he just couldn’t put his finger on what. Since he’d woke up that morning he had an overwhelming sense that he knew this feeling, like he’d felt it before, but he just couldn’t place it. He couldn’t even describe it properly outside of that it just left him with an overwhelming sense that something was wrong. His heart was pounding and he felt dizzy, and it wasn’t really a fear thing. He had nothing significant to even be afraid of right now.

Yet here he was, laying on deck against the rail, heart pounding, and sweating buckets even though he didn’t feel hot. In fact, he was the very opposite of hot. Right now he was freezing and the sun’s warmth was probably the only thing that was keeping him from getting hypothermia.

Heart pounding, sweating, shaking, these were all things that you would typically do when you were scared. And while he’d be the first to admit that he’s probably the biggest coward on the ship, he could honestly say that he knew he wasn’t in peril right now. He was simply more perplexed than anything because his body and mind seemed to disagree on how he was feeling.

His mind immediately went to the worst case scenario. What if he really was afraid because a small part of him was doubting Chopper’s abilities as a doctor? Since he’d joined, they hadn’t ever been ill, only injured. Chopper was great at healing injuries, but what if a part of him doubted how well the little doctor could deal with disease? What if Chopper misjudged this and it was worse than he thought and it was too late AND THEY WERE ALL GOING TO CATCH IT AND DIE!

No.

Chopper knows what he’s doing. Doubting your crew mates is one of the worst things you can do on the seas. He had been down that road before and he wasn’t going to deal with that pain ever again. His crew was trustworthy and easily the best of the best. They were the crew of the future Pirate King after all.

Even catching a horrible skin eating disease or something that would make you sneeze yourself inside out is still better than having to doubt your own crew. Death itself is a more merciful fate.

But the question remained: Why was he still shaking? He was certain that any and all doubts he had were surely crushed. Chopper was easily one of the best doctors out there. Even after he lost his fight against Luffy, Chopper still tried to go out and patch him up regardless that he was a deserter that left them not even a full hour earlier. He had nothing to even doubt, Chopper would fix this.

Suddenly an odd sensation washed over him. He could only describe it as that feeling you get when you see an old enemy and they’re still equally as intimidating as before. It was that same kind of feeling in his stomach, like a tight ball of nerves ready to explode.

And explode it did. He was glad he turned and hung his head over the rail, because had he not, the deck would have been a mess. Had that really just happened? Had he really thrown up? No… No that couldn’t be. The Great Captain Usopp did not get sick. That just wasn’t a thing that happened. All illnesses knew that they stood no chance against the Great Captain Usopp. At least not since that time a cold had tried to get the better of him and he shot it down from a least a hundred feet away. Word got out in the germ community and soon they were all too afraid to even try. So there wasn’t a chance he was sick.

Unless this wasn’t a sickness at all, and he had been poisoned. The question remained as to how someone could have done it. He would have noticed if someone shot him with something, besides, they were at sea and there was no one around for miles. The last time he threw up was when he was a child after he almost died eating a poison mushroom. Given that information he could gather that this was obviously a food based poison that must’ve been given to them this morning.

Upon closer inspection, it could have just been him, everyone else seemed fine. Someone obviously had it out for the Great Captain Usopp. Who could blame them? He wasn’t great for nothing. They were obviously afraid that they’d have to take him later on in the furthest depths of the Grand Line.

With the what, when, where, why, and how out of the way, all that remained, was the who. Given that Sanji is the only one who ever sets foot in his kitchen, it stands that he’d be the only one with the opportunity to do such a thing. Especially given how strict he is about who was allowed in his kitchen, no one else could have done it.

But that’s simply how a naïve outsider would think. Sanji is obviously not the type to use poison because he is a chef above all else, and food is not to be used as a weapon (or toy). With an unknown saboteur as the only reasonable culprit, that simply brought up more questions. Who were they really? How did they get on the ship? Where was Sanji? And what did they plan to do with the rest of the crew once they were done with him?

Whatever that dastardly villain had planned, the rest of the crew had to know what was going on. It was the only way for them all to live. Before he was properly taken down he would ensure that his crew made it out of this alive, even if he died.

Luckily, Brook, Luffy, Franky, and Sanji were all on deck, watching this whole melodramatic inner monologue take place. None of them really knew how to react as they watched him go through a whole spectrum of emotions in less than two minutes. Franky was the one to take action. He walked over to the paranoid sniper and knelt down next to him, placing his massive hands on Usopp’s comparatively tiny shoulders.

“Everything okay, Longnose?” He asked, not sure if the puking was from the flu that was going around, or if he had worried himself to the point of throwing up.

“No, and I’ll tell you why! That!-“He said, dramatically pointing at Sanji, “Is not Sanji, but an imposter who poisoned me!”

The ship fell completely silent, only to be broken by a chef’s anger a full ten seconds later. “You tryin to tell me that my cooking made you sick?!”

“Yeah because you’re an imposter who’s trying to poison us one by one because you’re too much of a coward to fight us like a man.” Usopp shot back, trying to stand up but failing as his weakened body was trapped under Franky’s giant hand.

“SICK OR NOT, I WILL KICK YOUR ASS, USOPP!”

“I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY YOU COWARD!”

“Alright, let’s just calm down before something you’re both going to regret happens. Usopp. Why do you think that Sanji’s trying to poison you?” Franky asked, more frustrated than anything over how little time it took for things to get out of hand.

“Well one: it’s not Sanji, Sanji wouldn’t waste food like that. Two: I don’t get sick, and the last time I threw up was because I ate a poison mushroom, so I have to be poisoned.” Franky stood there, just staring him down.

“Usopp, bro, I’m going to be honest with you. There is no way that’s not Sanji. No one else on the entire sea cooks like him and I watched him make lunch.” He placed his free hand on Usopp’s forehead and read the temperature off his wrist. “This is just your fever talking. Now I’m going to take you to Chopper, and you’re going to do whatever he says. Okay?” After he got a reluctant nod from Usopp, the sniper was placed over the man’s shoulder as if he were a piece of lumber.

Needless to say, neither Usopp, nor Chopper was pleased with this method of carrying. Zoro, who was sitting on the bed leaning against the wall, did and gave a snort of amusement. It may have been from the fact that he heard what was going on and was glad that someone was giving the cook a hard time in his stead, or if he just found it funny that Usopp was being carried like a sack of potatoes. Either way Usopp couldn’t do much else other than scowl at him even as Chopper looked him over. That would teach Zoro, because he was definitely going to care that Usopp was annoyed because he snorted that one time. That’ll teach him to mess with the Great Captain Usopp, because when you mess with the bull, you get the pouty face.

Really, who was he even kidding? Right now he was just too tired to even keep an inner monologue going. He over did it before and now he’s feeling it. Now Zoro would have to deal with the fact that they were going to have to share a bed in the sick bay. Usopp didn’t even care at this point. Now he just wanted to sleep this off and maybe steal some of Zoro’s body heat and blanket. Being sick really sucks.


	5. Tuesday: Evening

He really had to find a way to fix this. They were all counting on him. He was the doctor after all. There had to be something he could do that could make this more manageable for them all. It wasn’t good that so many of them were sick right now. He should have seen the signs earlier. There were always early warning signs for things like this.

He had to figure out something to at least shorten it. He knew his crew mates, and he knew that they wouldn’t stay in one place. They never stayed in one place for long on the ship. Nami had to keep an eye on the direction the ship was going and the weather, Usopp was the best lookout, and Zoro worked out beyond the limits of anything a human should be doing to stay strong enough to keep them all safe. Robin was the only one who could probably stay in one spot no problem. Robin did bloom hands, and while that was something that didn’t use a lot of energy, she should be focusing on resting and let the rest of the crew get things for her.

It really worried him that, while some of them did cooperate, making sure they were getting the bedrest they needed was a full time job. Right now Zoro was probably trying to get up to go and train again. He could understand that his crew mates needed fresh air, but they’d really only been in their respective quarantines for a day at most, and it wasn’t like they weren’t going outside any. He was just trying to limit their time out with the healthy members of the crew to stop the spread of this flu bug. He himself had been washing his hooves religiously, and he wasn’t even sure if he could catch a human disease anyway.

He just had to find a way to do this. There had to be something. He rummaged through his medicine cabinets. There just had to be something there he hadn’t thought of yet. His eyes scanned through the various ingredients he had on hand. Maybe there’d be something in one of his medical books in the library.

“Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.” He said to the two men who now occupied his bed.

“It’s not like I can with Usopp on me like this.” Zoro complained.

“Hey I’ll get off you when you stop being warm.” Usopp shot back. He let them fight while he snuck out and started walking to the library.

He really should be telling them to take it easy, but they’re probably just a little antsy from being in there for so long. It happens a lot after big battles. At least Usopp isn’t the type to start physical fights like Sanji is. He was just thankful that Sanji hadn’t tried to start any fights with Zoro since he’d gotten sick. While he wasn’t glad to see one of his crew mates have such a terrible reaction to vomiting, Sanji’s squeamishness had at least kept the trouble to a minimum.

Speaking of trouble, Luffy had been quiet lately too. Ever since people started getting sick, things had just been uncomfortably quiet. For Luffy to be this well behaved was just completely unnatural. It was when he thought no one was looking that he seemed more pensive than usual, when you went up and talked to him he’d be his normal smiling self.

Chopper couldn’t help but worry that Luffy had been sick this whole time, and was just playing it off because he didn’t want people to notice and worry. The flu isn’t a major illness and being a doctor he knows it will pass soon enough. Maybe it was just another minor situation on a list of many that he’d blown out of proportion like he did with stuff like paper cuts.

He had known Luffy for some time, but that didn’t mean that he understood the way he thought at all. Last time he asked, Luffy had simply brushed it off and said he was thinking of cool new impressions to do. Chopper believed him. Why wouldn’t he? His captain had no reason to lie to him. Unless he really was sick.

Maybe it’d be best to check in on him just in case. But first he needed to get those books and then check on the men to make sure they were still there, then check up on the women. After he had done that, then he would check on Luffy. Maybe Sanji and Franky as well for good measure. And Brook so he didn’t feel left out.

Now at the library, it’d really be best if he was in Heavy Point. It was a lot easier to see the books on the shelves that way, and a lot easier if he was going to be bringing back a lot of them. He really didn’t know how many he was going to grab yet. If he was going to do some serious research, it was going to take more than just one book. It was going to take a couple at least. Maybe he’d start with five and come back later if he needed.

But which five? He had gotten so many cool books over the months he had been away from Drum. There had been so many different ways to treat so many different diseases. It was just so fascinating. To think that so many different people would have found a way to cure different ailments in so many different ways. He hadn’t ever considered half of them. He had even sent a few of the more interesting ones back to Doctorine.

He was having a tough time deciding, when a few simply came tumbling out of the bookshelf. That was really odd. He picked the books up, looking them over as he did so. These were… actually exactly the books he was looking for. That was really lucky for them to have just have fallen like that. He’d have to be careful later putting them back in. He probably just didn’t put them in there properly last time.

On the way back, he couldn’t help but notice that he was feeling oddly tired. Sure he had been moving more than he usually did the past few days, but he shouldn’t be this worn out. Now that he started thinking about it, he was breathing through his mouth, and when he closed it experimentally he found it was near impossible to breathe.

This was really bad. Naturally being around sick people meant that you were at risk of catching it yourself, but he had hoped that he was reindeer enough that he wasn’t going to get a human disease. This was terrible. Now he had to make a choice. Did he risk making his own condition worse while tending to his infected crewmates? Or did he risk letting his crewmates tend to themselves while inevitably getting worse while he was on bed rest himself?

This was always the toughest call to make. If he didn’t follow his own orders, then no one would. That would just mean that he was making them stay in bed because he wanted them to, not that they had to. But on the other hoof, he was the doctor and he should be taking care of his crew before anyone else.

But you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others… but it’s for a good cause if it’s for your friends and the people you care about. This was a really hard call to make. Why didn’t he caution on the safe side and wear a sick mask? He really should’ve been all along, after all he did eat the Human Human fruit. Even if he was a reindeer, he was still technically part human now too.

Why did this have to be so difficult? He didn’t want to leave it in anyone else’s hands. That’d be irresponsible and show that he was too inexperienced at his job to be trusted with the crew’s well-being.

What if they didn’t want him to be on the crew anymore because what kind of doctor gets sick?

No. He had to keep this a secret. He couldn’t let anyone know. He was going to do this. He was going to get better in a few days regardless. He’d just take more breaks and a few naps when no one else was looking. That’d work. The only one he had to worry about was Robin. Robin seemed to know everything that happened.

It was then that he heard a loud door slam. It sounded like it was the door to the sick bay. He had to hurry because what if it was someone escaping!? So he picked up the pace, only to pass a very disgruntled Sanji. He looked genuinely upset and he also couldn’t help but notice his lack of cigarette. It must have been because he was finally listen to his rule about smoking in the sick bay.

When he got back to the sick bay the first thing he noticed was the smell of nicotine in the room. Looking down he saw half of a cigarette still burning on the floor. While disposing of the offending cancer stick he couldn’t help but notice that the soup that had been set down on the nightstand had sloshed down the sides of the bowl and onto the tray. Looking over to the bed for answers he was relieved to see that Zoro and Usopp were still there. Usopp looked a bit shaken and Zoro looked emotionally tired. At least they were still there. That was good news. He walked over to his desk and set down the books on it. He just had to act natural and then they wouldn’t suspect a thing.

Well not natural, because that would be turning into walk point, making a mess of the sick bay in an attempt to leave, and then eating the grass on deck. He had to act human natural. Just act casual and no one will be the wiser... He turned back into brain point and started walking back over to the bed.

“Chopper if you’re going to be sick, you might as well be stuck in this bed with us.” Zoro stated, catching the reindeer completely off guard. He was sure that even Usopp was a little surprised by that declaration.

“I’m not sick, I’m a doctor after all. I feel fine.”

“Chopper, you know doctors get sick too, right? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Best take your own advice and take it easy.” Zoro said, picking up the tiny doctor and setting him on the bed atop the growing pile of sick people.

“So you guys won’t leave me behind because I’m a terrible doctor?” Chopper asked tearfully.

“The only way you could be doing a better job right now, is if your patients would listen to the doctor’s orders.” Usopp said, shooting a glare at Zoro.

“You bastards~. That won’t make me happy or anything~.” The obviously unhappy Chopper practically sung.

 

 


	6. Wednesday Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get ready, because this is where everything starts going down hill. If you thought that the doctor getting sick was bad, then you're in for a time.

With over half of the crew sick, things were super quiet. Mornings were usually quiet, but this was a different kind of quiet. At least Zoro and Robin were up to eating with them. Apparently Nami considered it, but decided she was going to take one more day to sleep in.

So the table conversation as breakfast was being made was limited to himself, Brook, Zoro, and Robin. Sanji was in the kitchen, and today was one of the mornings that Luffy had drug himself out of bed early and had settled in his spot and gone right back to sleep. He was really an all or nothing type of guy when it came it energy. No one seemed to mind. He’d be back to his normal self as soon as the food was out. That’s just how their captain was. As strange as it seemed, it was super interesting to watch.

The oddest thing that morning was seeing Luffy without his straw hat. Franky couldn’t help but wonder who he had temporarily lent it to. It seemed like everyone who was sick right now had the honor of wearing it for at least a little while.

The tone was way different than it normally was in the kitchen. It was even heavier than it was yesterday. It probably had to do with the fact that five of their crew members were ill. Not to mention one of them was their doctor. It’s just the flu, but still, the tone changed super fast though.

“You guys sure you should be up and about? Isn’t Chopper going to freak out about this?” He asked after a sip of his cola.

“Well I wasn’t all that sick to begin with. I simply rested a few days and I should be fine as long as I’m taking it easy.” Robin said, as she casually stirred the sugars into her coffee. Franky nodded.

“Sounds fair, but what about you, Zoro bro?”

“I couldn’t stand being stuck in there doing nothing for much longer.” He yawned.

“Though what does our dear Doctor think about this? Surely he’d rather that you’d stay put and take it easy.” Brook added before taking a sip of his tea.

“He’ll have to deal with it. I can’t take the silence in there anymore, it’s suffocating, not to mention Usopp is literally suffocating me.”

Franky startled at the sudden slam of a drawer in the kitchen. It must have been a common occurrence usually covered up by the normal uproar of the crew, but was clear as day in the super awkward calm they were dealing with as of late. He quickly refocused on the topic at hand. He couldn’t blame Zoro for busting out. It was very uncomfortable when it wasn’t lively.

“Sorry to break it to you, but it’s not much better on deck. Even with Luffy out there, it’s almost completely quiet.” Franky said, gesturing over to the still sleeping rubber man. There was no reaction at all, as he kept his face planted firmly against the table top and kept his snoring almost completely muted.

The swordsman hummed quietly behind his mug of green tea. “Can’t say I’m too shocked. Things got quiet when just Nami was sick, but now five of us are sick. At least it’s just a flu. Besides, we have a doctor now, and sick or not, he’s one of the best at sea.” If only the tiny doctor were there to hear it. Actually, it’d probably be for the best he didn’t. Chopper wasn’t the best at taking compliments and he probably wouldn’t be able to deal with a compliment of that magnitude.

“I heard that it was super bad last time. Can’t say I really blame you guys for getting so worried about it” Franky added sympathetically.

“Yes, though I guess that it all worked out for the best seeing as that’s how you met our Doctor” Robin mused out loud. That’s how they met Chopper. The crew all seemed to have such interesting stories as to how they joined. They were lucky that fate had drawn them all together in such a serendipitous way.

“Alright, breakfast’s ready. Dig in.” Sanji said, placing armfuls of plates on the table. “I’ll join you guys as soon as I bring my sweet Nami her breakfast! Oh, and the other guys too. I hope you enjoy it Robin my love!” Sanji gushed before he danced out of the galley. At least he was as lively as ever.

Breakfast itself was pretty simple. Robin and Zoro stuck with toast, but the rest of them had one of their standard breakfasts. There was egg, toast, bacon, pancakes, pretty well the works. As per usual conversation stopped as soon as breakfast was served, or rather, conversation stopped when Luffy picked his head off the table. They knew that soon it’d be too rowdy to even hold a simple conversation, even if it was just Luffy making a commotion.

Franky had been a few bites into breakfast, but something seemed off. He couldn’t really put his finger on it, but there was something super weird about breakfast this morning. He took a second to look at his food. It wasn’t that. The food was as super as it always was. So it wasn’t that. He looked around the galley. It seemed that everyone else seemed to have noticed the wrongness as well.

That was it. He figured it out. There was one thing that was gravely wrong about this meal. Luffy wasn’t digging into his breakfast like he hadn’t seen food in days. For once, the captain seemed to be eating lethargically. This couldn’t be good. Was he this worried about the wellbeing of his crew that his appetite had finally taken a blow?

“Hey, Luffy. You feelin okay bro?” Franky asked, putting his hand on the rubber man’s shoulder. There was no reaction at all. Could he be more worried than he thought? They did almost lose Nami after all. He couldn’t imagine what the poor kid was going through, he seemed be hit with these types of thing a lot harder than everyone else. It probably had to do with him being captain, he was responsible for their wellbeing after all.

“Hey, Luffy. You still in there?” He gave him a light shake to snap him out of it.

And then, arguably the worst possible thing happened.

With what originally appeared to have had enough force to knock him over and with no warning what so ever, Luffy threw up. Right there, in the galley, while they were all eating. It was super gross, but also a little impressive that he managed to knock himself over the way he did.

Looking back to the table, it seemed that Robin saw this happen at least a second before it came to fruition and managed to save the plates, excluding Zoro, who saved his own while he kept eating without missing a beat. He glanced down at the groaning captain, noting the flower petals that flew from by the back legs of his chair, and the hands that were now holding his head to the side so he wouldn’t drown himself while lightly petting the side of his face.

The food was passed along to the far end of the table, so it was as far from Luffy and all his grossness as possible. Now they had to figure out a plan. They had to figure out what they were going to do about this whole situation and they had to do it super-fast. Someone was going to have to scrape off their captain, someone was going to have to clean up the puke, and then they were going to have to find a spot for the captain where he’d puke on as little of their world as possible. And they were going to have to do all of that before Sanji could make it back and find out that someone threw up in his kitchen.

He made eye contact with the two others that he probably wouldn’t have Chopper overly worrying about if he had them do a little work. Zoro was probably going to have to go right back to the sick bay after breakfast so he couldn’t get his help. So it was just him, Brook, and Robin. He opened his mouth to get this sorted when the door opened.

Shit. This was super bad.

Looks like that whole part where Sanji didn’t know wasn’t going to happen. Because he sure as shit knew now. He stood there in the doorway for a solid twenty seconds clenching and unclenching his jaw as his brain processed this new information. Then he looked disgusted. Then worried for the tiniest of seconds. Then the angriest he’s seen him be in a long time. He was so mad that he was physically shaking as he bit his cigarette in half. Before it even had the chance to hit the ground Franky got up and held his hands out defensively.

“Sanji. Bro. I know you’re angry, but we’re going to fix this, okay? I’ll take Luffy and clean him off, and then take him super far away from your kitchen so this doesn’t happen again.” There was a weak and quiet “nooooo…” from the captain who was still lying flat on his back on the floor. It didn’t seem to calm Sanji down any.

“Well what about that!? Who’s going to clean up that? Huh?” The cook hissed, while trying to keep his anger from literally igniting him as he fought the urge to gag himself.

“I’d do it, but I have too weak a stomach. Ah. That’s right, I don’t have one! Yohohohoho!” Brook laughed, as if now was really the time for a stupid joke. At least the captain was feeling good enough to snicker at it.

“I could do it if no one else can.” Robin offered. Naturally this made Sanji spring into action.

“Fear not, Robin my dear! I’ll handle it for you. You really shouldn’t dirty your hands with such things!” He swooned as he swayed into the kitchen. He grabbed paper towel and went straight over to the offending mess. He hadn’t gotten within 3 feet of it before his gagging got bad enough that he had to leave the galley completely.

Franky sighed as he went over to pick up his captain from the floor. He held him up by the armpits facing away from him. He looked over at Robin and Brook. “I really don’t care, just can one of you deal with this?”

“Of course. I was joking about the weak stomach. It was simply too good a joke to let go to waste. We’ll have it cleaned up in no time.” The skeleton promised.

“Thanks.” He said, Luffy weakly parroting the thanks after as they left.

It’d be best if he just threw him into the tub and hosed him off. He could probably use a bath anyways. He always stunk of BO more than anyone should at any time anyways. It’d probably be best for everyone if vomit wasn’t added to his unique aroma.

Sanji was still equally as upset as he was when he first walked in. Even now as he leaned against the rail and shakily smoked a cigarette his glare was no less murderous than it was before. Well that was just great, but he’d deal with that later. Though it did stop when Luffy gagged. The cook could sure hall ass because he had disappeared in the blink of an eye, maybe escaping to the aquarium.

The entire way to the bathroom, Luffy was whining something.

“Luffy. I can’t understand what you’re saying.”

More whining, though this time it was a little clearer.

“I still can’t.”

“Hat…” He whined weakly, finally clear enough to be heard. That’s right. He didn’t have his hat on. He probably needed it emotionally more than anyone. Never before had he seen someone so whiny over something like the flu. He set him down in the tub, leaning his back against one of the walls.

“Don’t worry, bro, I’ll just hose you off and then get you settled, then I’ll get your hat.” He said reassuringly, giving him a pat on the shoulder. Luffy whined again, but he was going to have to live with it. Life for him wasn’t exactly great now either. And it was probably only going to get worse before it got better.

 

 


	7. Wednesday: Midmorning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if you thought the last chapter was a ride, the buckle in kiddos

Finding something for the captain was near impossible. He was a bottomless pit, and he was positive that if he didn’t work fast, the idiot would starve to death by sun down. But the question still remained, what could he make that was incredibly easy on the stomach, while also being  easy to scrape off the deck.

Really by this point he’d have to find something for everyone that was easy on the stomach considering how nearly everyone on the ship had gotten this shitty flu bug. As much as he found it offensive that no one was keeping down his food, he found that he was more pissed off and anxious about food being wasted. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but it didn’t stop him from being in an overall shitty mood because of it.

He could only keep everyone on a diet of toast for so long. They weren’t really giving him many options besides the one, and even that might be too harsh on Luffy’s stomach. If he did go with option one there was no way that he had enough ingredients to supply the bread to satiate everyone there for more than a day if Luffy was eating nothing but toast. He hadn’t anticipated this scenario and it would seriously throw off his planning and inventory.However that was only an issue if he even still had any of his appetite left. He couldn’t imagine him even wanting to eat after the disaster that happened a few hours ago and that shall remain nameless.

But Luffy being sick brought up a new problem. They had a ton of meat that was going to go bad, and there was no way that with the remaining healthy people they would even put a dent in it without Luffy.

He’d have to cure it all. He’d rather not because it’d take up so much time where he could be doing something more productive and less monotonous. It was just such a pain in the ass, but he’d rather do it then lose so much food. It wasn’t like Luffy wasn’t going to eat it as soon as he got better, so at least he wasn’t going to have to compromise his recipes and hoped that all went well. Even under those circumstances he’d have no excuse for serving anyone, especially a lady a subpar meal like that.

He’d need to get his curing salts. Maybe he’d even use some of it for soup. Luffy might not be ready for solid things in his soup yet, but he wasn’t picky, so he’d be fine with just the broth. He walked out on deck and mentally mapped out the storage room and where his curing salts should be. Hopefully no one had moved them since then. He wasn’t in charge of grabbing supplies last time they were in port. Hopefully whoever was knew better than to touch his shit without asking.

Some fucker did and that added a good twenty extra minutes to this whole ordeal. Whoever did that had better hope he doesn’t find out who they are, or he was going to kick their ass to the end of the Grandline and back. It just pissed him off so much.

Once back into his kitchen, he started the first batch of meat to be cured, and then he started on some soup. He’d get the broth good and ready, and then he’d start adding stuff in. He’d be sure to make extra broth so he’d have enough for the soup after he set aside Luffy’s portion of it.

He didn’t know why he’d thought otherwise, but he was still a little shocked when Luffy meandered in once the broth started to develop a meaty smell. In all honesty he was hoping that this whole flu bug thing would be enough to keep him out of his hair for at least a little bit.

“Hey Sanji, make sure to put lots of meat in the soup.” He said, watching from the other side of the counter.

“Yours isn’t getting any, shit head. I’m not giving you any solids until you can keep them down for more than five fucking minutes.” Sanji answered, not even bothering to look up from the meat he was busy curing. He could hear the sounds of Luffy whining as he melodramatically collapsed on himself.

“But Sanji, if I don’t eat meat, I’ll die. I need it.” The idiot whined, prolonging vowels to prove his point. It was like arguing with a five year old.

“You’ll stick with broth and you’ll like it. Think of it as a meat tea.” Hopefully that would shut him up.

There was silence.

Holy shit. Did he actually manage to get him to not throw a shit fit about not getting actual meat? No one was going to believe him. Hell, he didn’t even believe it himself.

“Can I drink it from a teacup?”

Oh my god he was five. “Fine. Sure. Why not.” If it kept him happy and out of his hair, that’d be two victories today after that crippling loss he’d started off the day with. Brook would have to deal with sharing one of his teacups, since he sure as shit wasn’t going to make one of the ladies give up one of theirs for him.

“I can’t wait!” His captain beamed as he bounced back out of the kitchen. He could only hope that things would keep going so smoothly.

But of course, nothing on this ship goes smoothly. Naturally, him giving his captain broth in a teacup would get a snort from the shitty swordsman.

“He wanted it in a teacup, so I gave him his broth in a teacup.”

“It’s not broth, its meat tea.” Luffy interjected, getting an eye roll from him and another amused snort from the mosshead.

“You forgot your silver platter and teapot, cook.”

“Like hell I’m putting broth in any of my teapots, you fucking barbarian!”

“Meat tea.” Luffy corrected.

“If I may interject, you might find that your tea tastes better if you hold your pinkie out.” Brook added. Where the fuck did he come from? Either way, this had better not be going in the direction he thinks it’s going. Maybe he could slink away before it got to that point. His job here was done so he could go back to curing meat.

He started walking off and listen to the rants and raves from Luffy about how much better it tasted with his pinkie up. It was completely ridiculous, but at least he could enjoy some quiet for a while. Now he just had to-

“Hey cook.”

Damn. “Bring me a cup of that meat tea. Sounds like it’s pretty good.” Never in his whole life had he had to deal with bullshit of this degree. Whatever, it was just one more cu-

“Since you’re going to grab Zoro a cup, would you mind getting me one too?” Et tu, Brook. Et tu.

“Well since you’re going to be making so much tea, might as well bring out a teapot to put it in.” He glared at the shitty mosshead who sat there so cockily. Fuck him.

“Fine, but next time we’re docked at an island with a town, you’re buying me a new teapot. And not a shit one either. Brook, go with him to make sure it’s a nice one.” He huffed, crossing his arms. “You have no idea how lucky you are right now you shitty mosshead. I would have kicked you across the deck by now if you weren’t sick.” And oh how he’d have loved to kick that smug look off his face.

It didn’t take him long to come back out with a platter with two more teacups and one of the less nice teapots full of broth. He set it down in the middle of the triangle that the three of them were making.

“There. Enjoy your shitty tea party, you bastards. If Luffy pukes on it, one of you two’s cleaning it since he’s not competent enough to do it himself.” He said, already walking back to his kitchen.

“It’s true, I’m not.” Luffy confirmed, before laughing about it. He really was a lost cause. He wasn’t even sure why he even tried to shame him into bettering himself anymore. This was one of those times where he hated that his captain was so unapologetic about himself. At least it worked out in their favor sometimes. But really he didn’t know how he could just live with no shame like that.

Either way, he still had a lot of work to do in the kitchen. Since everyone’s sick, their eating habits were going to change. It’d be a pain in the ass to just drop everything and cook for one person for the next couple days. So he had to think of a strategy.

He could make a ton of soup in advance. It was a simple enough dish and it was easy to keep down. If they ran out of containers, he could always just use bowls and plastic wrap. It’d be something to do as he cured meat. Doing the same thing over and over again nonstop got boring, and he could go between the two and he’d probably get more done that way. With the speed that he could manage to cure the meat, it probably take all morning to do.

It was no doubt going to be a pain in the ass, but he’d rather be in his kitchen secluded from the grotesqueness that was the deck. At least he still had his safe haven. He just had to figure out what to do after he finished up these two chores. So long as he had something to do in there, he didn’t have to go out there. The less time he spent out there, the better...he could feel a migraine coming on.


	8. Wednesday: Noon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just kidding about the no more people getting sick lol. There's one more to join the sick crew

This never happened. He felt like shit and he didn’t understand why. He had indulged in a little wine the night before but was hardly tipsy by the time he went to bed. Was he hungover? That was embarrassing, the marimo would never let him live it down if he found out he wasn’t feeling well after a couple glasses of wine. He woke up feeling a little blah but it seemed to be getting worse as the day wore on…what kind of shitty hangover was this? It was nearly noon for fucks sake!

He never felt like this and certainly not in his own kitchen. He snapped his wandering thoughts back to the pot of soup he was slaving over for his infectious crew and lovely ladies. The steam coming off of it was making him uncomfortably warm and irritable. Another point for his shitty hangover. He breathed in deep taking note of the different spices and how they mingled together before bringing the spoon to his lips to check the balance of the flavor. It tasted fine but something wasn’t right.

Never before had he found something that he was making, so repulsive. What the hell was wrong with this soup? He felt a swell of panic rise up in him waiting for a kick to the head that never came. That’s right. He was a grown ass man in his own damn kitchen. He didn’t have to answer to his shitty old man for this mess, although thinking about the bastard made something in his chest hurt. Was he seriously missing Zeff right now? Forget the hangover, he’d lost his damn mind.

He gave his head a shake and instantly regretted it. He screwed his eyes shut with a growl. It was time to figure this shit out. He didn’t need that old bastard to tell him what he’d fucked up he could figure this shit out starting from the beginning.  He checked over the quality of the ingredients he had been using and then he checked them again. They were fine. Maybe it was the spices. Someone might have fucked with those. With that thought he angrily turned down the heat of the stove and checked over all of his spices but they all seemed to be in order. He would be able to tell if they were off. Was it something that was in his pot before? How could he possibly have missed something like that? He was always so careful about keeping his equipment absolutely clean. Even if he had been a little distracted since Nami had fallen ill, he was always so precise with how things were. There wasn’t a possibility of him messing up like that.

Unless someone was in his kitchen without his permission and messed with something. But that was just him being paranoid. Everyone on the crew knew better than to touch anything in the kitchen. The only one who would even consider committing such a crime was curled up under a blanket on deck by the rail. He really wasn’t going to be much of a pain until he got better. At least it’d be peaceful in the kitchen with him stuck out there, hopefully for the next few days.

Maybe it was something he was missing. His eyes scanned through the chicken broth. Using the spoon that he’d been using to stir it occasionally, he split open a piece of chicken. No, the chicken was fine. He took a toothpick and pulled out one of the half pieces and tasted it. Nothing tasted wrong. The toothpick was discarded. Maybe it was the vegetables. Maybe he hadn’t been paying enough attention and overcooked them. He took his spoon and took one of each vegetable and some broth and a noodle or two. He tasted them one at a time. Potatoes were fine, so was the celery. The carrots were a little firm, but he personally preferred it that way. The noodles were just about done, but could still use a little more cooking. All that was left was the broth.

He drank the remaining broth on the spoon, letting it linger in his mouth a bit before he swallowed. It didn’t taste any different that it should, given what was added to it. In fact it was an improvement over his last batch. Though some of its appeal might’ve been from how warm the soup was because his kitchen seemed to be quickly cooling down with a breeze coming through the open door. But still, he had to say he outdid himself with it this time.

He hadn’t messed up the soup after all, so what was it? There had to be something missing or something that was wrong that made the soup seem so unappetizing to him. Something still smelled off about it. Was it just him? Because everything seemed wrong with the cold draft that was wafting in and leaving his kitchen the temperature of a meat locker. At least most of the crew was indoors. He couldn’t help but worry if Luffy was going to be okay out there. He wasn’t really great at picking up on when he was too cold or not. And what if Robin was freezing out there? He never really thought about these things much as his kitchen was always hot so he never really noticed, but since Luffy-

No he wasn’t going to think about it. He took a step away from the pot, gripped the counter on either side of the sink and tried not to gag. He was trying to forget just how horrifying that was. That was just a few short hours ago.

There was puke.

On the table.

In his kitchen.

A hand came up to cover his mouth. He had to stop. He was making himself gag and the one thing he could not handle right now was more puke in his kitchen. What he needed was a little smoke break. That’d help get his mind off of it. He’d step out into the brisk air and that’d clear his mind of the horrible transgression that happened in his kitchen not even a full six hours ago.

A lid was placed on the massive pot, and the heat was set to low to keep it warm. He could afford to take a break, he’d been in the kitchen all morning after all. His old cigarette was discarded in an ashtray in passing before he fished around for the little box in his pocket and his lighter. He stepped out into the afternoon sun, leaned against the wall and lit up his cigarette.

Looking around it seemed as though the guys had given up staying in the sick bay. Chopper must’ve finally allowed them to go out and get some fresh air. It seemed as though he was the only one to notice the change. He would have thought that if it was this cold out, Chopper would have been on everyone’s case to go back inside because it would make them worse. But as he leaned against the wall and looked out onto the deck, it seemed like Usopp and Chopper were the only ones that were freezing. Nami looked a little chilly, Franky, Brook, and Robin looked fine, but Zoro and Luffy both looked like they were going to melt.

It still didn’t stop the muscle brain from working out though. Chopper was probably too busy shivering to notice, but at least Franky was there to talk some sense into him. They were on the other end of the deck and weren’t really all that loud, so it was hard to make out what they were saying. He could probably fill in the blanks.

 

‘Come on Zoro bro. You’re sick and you really don’t look like you should be lifting weights. It’s only going to make it super worse’ Franky probably said.

 

‘No. I have to make this a million times worse than it has to be because how else am I going to overcompensate for my micro penis.’ Zoro probably grunted.

 

Sanji couldn’t help but snicker a little at his little mental dubbing session.

 

He was so caught up in his little game that he failed to notice Robin come up next to him. He nearly jumped out of his skin when she started speaking to him.

“Sanji, have you been cooking this whole time?” She asked. Knowing Robin, she probably already knew the answer, making this question completely rhetorical. But he’d answer anyways.

“Of course, Robin my love. I thought it’d be helpful to have some soup made in advance so I wouldn’t be up making food at odd hours when people finally get hungry.” It was really an ingenious plan. While he wasn’t a fan of making food in advance like that, everyone’s eating schedules were messed up because of this shitty flu bug.

“Is that the only reason?” She asked, raising an eyebrow at him. His Robin-Chan was worried about him! It must be that she was finally seeing that she loved him this whole time! He was getting butterflies in his stomach!

 

Oh god he was gonna hurl.

 

He dropped his cigarette and bolted down the stairs with one hand over his mouth and the other holding his midsection. He went straight for the rail. He could do this, it wasn’t even that far away. It was so close he could do this! He was definitely going to make it!

 

Nope, couldn’t do it.

 

Steps from his goal he doubled over and threw up, just short of having his upper body clearing the rail. While he continued to wretch and gag he could hear Franky groan about this new development. Now it was really just him, Brook and kinda Robin, and poor Franky was the one more so keeping this shit show going.

“Sanji!” Robin exclaimed, rushing over to him, placing one hand on his shoulder and the other on his lower back rubbing it lightly. Now he kinda knew how everyone else felt, all eyes were on him now and it was pretty shitty and awkward.

“Don’t worry about me Robin. I’m fine! It’s just butterflies from feeling your love.” He tried to play it off. It was a miserable performance, the woman had rushed over to physically comfort him and he couldn’t even bring himself to noodle around for her a little. As if it weren’t already painfully obvious to everyone that he was sick.

“Looks more like soup.” The sweat drenched rubber man, who had been there even before Sanji had ran down the stairs stated matter-o-factly. He’d had a front row seat to his entire performance, but he still rolled onto his stomach to get a better view of the butterflies in question. Robin sprouted two hands; one to keep Luffy at a comfortable distance from the mess, and one to untangle the leg that he had wrapped around one of the posts of the rail. He had no doubt put it there out of boredom. Or maybe the post was cold. The cook would have an easier time building a ship than he would trying to even come close to figuring out what was in his captain’s head.

But either way. If he didn’t feel like total shit, and if he weren’t so worried about Luffy throwing up if he kicked him, he would have bounced his head off the deck with his heel.

“You might as well go change into something more comfy and find a spot by the rail. Just a heads up. Don’t sit next to Luffy, and if you see Zoro lifting something, yell at him.” An already emotionally tired Franky said, probably going to go find something to clean up the mess.

“I’m fine. Sanji said straightening up. Besides, I still have soup on the stove. I can’t just leave it. Just let me-“He was interrupted when Franky picked him up off the deck and threw him over his shoulder.

“Franky! Come on!”

“Don’t worry. We’ll take care of it. Besides, you made plenty of soup, didn’t ‘cha? We’ll probably still be drowning in the stuff by the time you’re better.” Franky assured. It didn’t stop Sanji from crossing his arms childishly. This sucked. He wasn’t even sick. He should be allowed to do his job. He was set down in the boys’ cabin.

 

“Change into something that’s not a suit then go find a spot against the rail.”

 

He was glad he didn’t treat him the same way they treated Luffy. That meant at least he wasn’t a total train wreck just yet. Didn’t stop this from being any less shit.

 

 


	9. Wednesday: Early Afternoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Any time I get to use the term grundle is generally a good sign that its going to be a good chapter

It was days like these when he was really glad that he always carried plenty of cigarettes on him at all times. This was one of the more stressful situations he had been in recently, and they were really doing a wonder on his nerves. Today had been nothing but hell, but at least he still had his nicotine to calm him down.

 

“Could you stop blowing smoke in my face?” Demanded the mosshead using the guise of a request.

 

Sure he was practically in the guy's lap, but he was more distraught than Zoro. He didn’t have to deal with his kitchen being defiled nor did he care if he looked unkempt in front of the women, or rather, anyone in general. Alright so he wasn’t as pathetic looking as the captain right now, but that wasn't much of an accomplishment.

 

Seeing as Zoro was going to be an ass about it, he was going to be an ass back. While all the other times had been accidental, he made damn sure that Zoro got a good face full of smoke on his last drag. He looked up at him with a smug and challenging smirk on his face. So how was he going to deal with this? How was he going to retaliate?

 

The cigarette was snatched from his lips and tossed over the rail.

 

How childish could he be?! That was a perfectly good cigarette and he had just barely lit it. The idiot was lucky that he still had a full pack on him. Otherwise he would have made that fucker join his wasted cigarette for a swim, sick or not.

 

Grumbling about how much of a shithead he was, he put another between his lips and grabbed his lighter. He flicked it a couple times but before he could light up he was interrupted. Zoro had started gagging. The lighter clunked to the deck forgotten and a hand came up to his mouth nearly crushing his unlit smoke. Zoro’s stopped. Good, now he could get back to lighting this ci-

The moment he started flicking his lighter trying to get a flame going, Zoro started gagging. This time his cigarette carelessly joined his lighter on the deck when he wretched along with the swordsman.

 

That fucker was doing this on purpose!

 

He was getting back at him for blowing smoke in his face in the most dickest way possible. He was just going to make him gag each time he tried to light up so he couldn’t smoke. That mother fucker. What pissed him off the most, was the fact that it was working and there wasn't a fucking thing he could do about it... Looking up at the fuckhead only proved his suspicion was right on the money. That bastard had the smuggest shit eating grin on his face. Had he not had the trump card of gagging, he would have kicked his ass into next week. He really didn’t know how lucky he was. Just by looking at that smug, asshole-ish look on his face, he knew that the bastard was issuing him a silent challenge. If he didn’t beat him here, he’d never be able to live this down.

 

There was a brief moment where he glared at the swordsman, before grabbing his cigarette and lighter, and moving to lean against the rail to resume his attempts. This way, he could continue without having to worry about making it to the edge should that bastard successfully cause him to hurl. He could smoke in peace and no one could take this victory away from him.

 

But then the tiny voice of reason sounded from across the deck.

 

“You know you really shouldn’t be smoking anyways. It’s already bad enough you do it regularly, but it just going to make it harder for you to get better because it’s already compromising your immune system. As the ship’s doctor I’m going to have to ban cigarettes until you’re better.”

 

Why did the universe punish him so?

 

He was just a simple cook on a simple pirate ship who had a simple dream and a simple desire. He did nothing to deserve this torture. No matter how much he respected most of Chopper’s decisions, he was going to have to ignore the doctor’s orders on this one. He couldn’t just give up cigarettes cold turkey like that, especially under these conditions.This decision clearly didn’t sit well with the doctor, as he heard some mild commotion behind him as he smoked. It was short lived, as Franky took it upon himself to settle the little guy down. Maybe now he could get a moment of peace to smoke.

 

He inhaled deeply, letting the nicotine sooth his nerves and relaxed as his nausea and general discomfort faded into the background. The heat radiating from the swordsman behind him chased away the chills he was experiencing and he thought he might just fall asleep leaned against the rail of the sunny. This was fucking peaceful.

 

His tranquility was short lived as soon as he felt the cold metal hands of their shipwright brush his skin while going through his pajama pockets. The fucker was lifting his smokes off him! This is not what he deserved, nor anything near what he wanted. If he was going to have his cigarettes taken from him, why couldn’t Robin be the one that got to grope around in his pants for them?

 

He turned around to witness something he never wanted to see in his life.

 

He watched as the only pack he had on his person slid into the cyborg’s tight speedo. Why did life have to taunt him so? This wasn’t fair at all, far from it... Why did he have to rescue them from a man’s panties when it could have been a woman’s? or even her bra…. Either would have been fine with him.

 

“I’m guessing that you’re not feeling up to walking all the way to your cabin and unlocking your locker to get your backups, are ya?” Franky taunted.

 

“If you think I won’t go in there and grab them, you’re wrong. If you felt me up to get them, I’m sure as shit willing to go in there and get them back.” After all, they weren’t that far in anyways. He could probably do it. Besides, this was mostly a bluff. Franky would probably take him seriously and hopefully he’d just give them back to him.

 

But that was not what happened that day.

 

Instead Franky reached his hand down into his speedo and moved Sanji’s lifeline deeper into hell. It was an overall scarring experience that he would never wish upon his worst enemy. The cigarette had fallen out of his mouth in the sheer shock of what he had just witnessed, and his hands flew up to his face and covered his eyes.

 

“There. Now it’s tucked snugly against my grundle. Still sure you wanna go after it, Cook-bro?”

He taunted, swaying his hips a little as he did so.

 

That was it. He knew for sure that he was going to be sick. There was no doubt in his mind. It was lucky that he had already been hanging over the rail because whatever remained in his stomach was making a reappearance. He could hear the laughter of his crew over the noises he was making himself and it just pissed him off more. They were all enjoying his misery and he knew it. He was going to get them back as soon as he could move more than two feet in any given direction. They were going to pay. Oh how they were going to pay.

 

He flopped back against the rail and watched as Franky went back to where he was sitting previously. That bastard was so smug about winning he could feel it. At least it wasn’t as bad as Zoro, who he knew was the smuggest of them all. He was going to get him back. He didn’t even know it yet, but he sure as shit was going to do it. And he was going to make that bastard’s life miserable. In fact he was going to start right now by draping his deceptively warm body over the swordsman, not because the idiot was comfortable and warm and laying against him made him feel a little less shit, but because it would irritate the asshole. That was definitely why.

 

He supposed that since he was stuck out here with really fuck all to do, he might as well use this as a chance to plot his revenge. It was going to have to be something good. Maybe there’d be more chocolate based dishes in the next little bit. After all, revenge is sweet.

He had to remember that one for when he actually set this plan into motion. That was clever and it was sure to piss off the swordsman. Even when he was sick, he was still on the ball when it came to clever one-liners.

 

“Hey, Sanji.”

 

Great, what the hell did Luffy want now? If it was meat tea he was coming to the wrong person. He was exiled from his kitchen as soon as they found out he was sick. Thinking about it made him livid all over again.

 

“What.”

 

“I wanted to welcome you into the hell that me and Zoro have been stuck in. Because he can’t have booze and I can’t have meat, and now you can’t smoke.”

 

Why did that fucker have to remind him. Maybe even after they got better there’d be less meat in their meals than usual. Maybe that would teach that rubber pain in the ass a lesson.

 

“Fuck off. You still have your broth, I don’t get shit.”

 

“First of all it’s meat tea, second it’s not the same as real meat.”

 

He rolled his eyes on how stupid the captain was. He really was holding onto this meat tea thing with all that he had. This had better not become a regular thing once they got better. It was annoying and it hurt a part of him that he had ever even acknowledged it as a tea for the captain’s sake.

 

“Just fuck off, quitting smoking is a lot harder than being downgraded to broth.”

 

“Meat tea. You know for the guy who was the first one to call it meat tea, you sure are bad at remembering what it’s called.”

 

That was it. Sick or not he was kicking his ass. He got up, making sure that every step he took just showed  how ready to kick his ass he was. Then the fucker started gagging and he plopped his ass right back down. He really hated that everyone had caught on to this weakness and was using it to their advantage. Oh how he was going to make them pay later. But for now he was just going to go back to his spot on deck and sulk, and try not to puke. Mostly the latter.

 

 


	10. Wednesday: Afternoon at some point

After the excitement of Sanji properly joining them in their suffering, there wasn’t much to do. There was so little fun stuff to do. Even if he did think of something to do, it would require him having to get someone else to do it with him because all of the fun games needed more people to play. You couldn’t play hide and seek by yourself... you couldn’t play tag by yourself... you couldn’t even play I spy by yourself... This all sucked so much and there wasn’t even a way to stop it!

 

He sighed a bored and melodramatic sigh and rolled onto his stomach. There was nothing to do and he was going to die of boredom before this stupid sickness killed him. He kicked his feet as he scowled at the grass as if that was going to fix anything. But the longer he scowled, the more clearly he could see that there something hidden in the grass. Did he finally wish something into existence? This was amazing! Though he had full control of his arms, Luffy wiggled his way over to this mystery thing and all its splendor. He had no idea what it was, but it was black, and it was shiny, and it wasn’t a shoe so who even knew what it was!

 

Once he squirmed over there, it was much more impressive than he had previously hoped. This wasn’t just a mystery thing anymore, this was the single greatest thing that had happened to him since they had all gotten sick. In the middle of the sea, he had found a beetle, right on the deck of his ship. No..this was no longer a mystery thing.

 

This was a miracle beetle.

 

Now he finally had a buddy to stay with him since no one else wanted to sit with him and it really sucked. He scooped his friend into his hands and sat up. His new buddy needed a name. A really cool name. Something that would show the world just how awesome he was and say “it’s fine that no one wanted to sit with them because they were super cool and it was whatever that the rest of the crew didn’t want to hang out with them.”

 

Sneaky felt like the perfect name because no one else found him cause he was sneaking around. Not only was it perfect but it was super cool because he had chosen it for him and it was like he was a tiny ninja and ninjas were sneaky.

 

Though as cool as he was, Sneaky wasn’t doing all that much. He wasn’t sick, so what was his excuse for being boring?

 

Unless.

 

This was a disaster. What if this whole time, Sneaky was sick?! What if he had been toughing it out with them so that they wouldn’t notice and worry about him. He was a true hero. He was always thinking of others before he thought of himself... That was just classic Sneaky.

 

But trooper or not, Sneaky had to take care of himself. And that meant that Franky had to check his temperature too. He carefully moved Sneaky into one hand and waved Franky over. The cyborg raised an eyebrow. He finished up tending to little Chopper before sauntering over to his  sweaty captain.

 

“So what’s up, bro?” He asked as he crouched down to their level, first looking at the captain, then at the beetle. “You make a friend?”

 

“Yeah, his name’s Sneaky. Check his temperature so we can see if he’s sick or not.”

 

This was only the most serious of business. Franky seemed a bit hesitant about it, but he ended up doing it anyways so it was fine. Luffy studied the number on his shipwrights wrist carefully.

 

“That’s way too low we gotta warm him up!. He’s way sicker than I thought.”

 

Sneaky wouldn’t be allowed in the kitchen no matter how sneaky he was, and he wasn’t going to lose meat over something that could be prevented… With a pouty face he held out the beetle to Franky, Who quickly rose to his feet with his hands held up in front of him.

 

“Sorry bro, I’m at max capacity for sick people. I don’t think I could take care of another sick anything.”

 

He gazed down at his tiny friend with a frown before looking over at the trio on the other end of the deck. Chopper could take care of him! He hopped to his feet and started making his way  over, uncharacteristically carefully, with Sneaky held out in front of him. The look Nami gave him made his blood run cold and his body freeze. Maybe this wasn’t the right group of people to take care of Sneaky after all…. he just wanted to go find something to keep his friend warm!

 

He trained his eyes on the only two other people on deck.. his last hope. His brave swordsman and his... cook who was afraid of bugs. He was about to admit defeat when he realized the pair were quiet. No insults or injuries were being exchanged. Upon closer inspection Sanji was resting against Zoro, his head tucked under the man's chin and one long arm throw haphazardly across his torso. The larger man had an arm behind the cook to support him and his eyes on the horizon.

 

Sanji was asleep.

 

So Zoro would be more than fine taking care of Sneaky for a little bit! That was as long as Sanji didn't wake up and scare his poor sick friend to death. He hurried over to the swordsman.

 

“Zoro! T-“

 

He was cut off by a shush from Zoro, who gestured with his free hand to Sanji. Oh yeah, he had to be quiet. So he changed his tone from an urgent normal voice, to an urgent whisper.

 

“Take care of Sneaky while I go get him something warm to eat.”

 

Zoro looked confused before noticing Luffy’s cargo. He nodded and held out his hand to take the beetle. Luffy beamed brightly before he placed his new friend in the swordsman’s hand and bounced off.

  
  
  


\----------------------------------------------------------------

This was pretty well a golden opportunity for a little fun at the cook’s expense. Seeing as the captain and cook had completely different stances when it came to beetles, what Luffy saw as a blessing, would without a doubt leave the cook cursing. Though the question had to be asked.

 

Exactly how close could he get this thing to Sanji’s face without him waking up?

 

It was a dick move sure, but they never really played nice with each other and this had no real danger to it. He vaguely remembered what Luffy had said on one of their trips to an island. Only the larvae bit, the fully grown one’s just screeched. This one seemed pretty relaxed at being handled so far, so he had a feeling that Sneaky wouldn’t be the one doing the screeching. He wondered if it would sound anything like the infamous spider scream that anyone on the crew could recognize.

  
  


He had to do it.

  
  


Because this would be great news for Luffy if Sanji had a special beetle scream.

  
  


With a devious smirk, the beetle was slowly lowered towards the cook. Even if he was asleep, there was something about doing this that made it so much more fun than it should have been. He lowered it as slowly as he could manage so he could savor the feeling he got as it inched closer and closer to the cook’s head.

 

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the look that Franky was giving him. It was a stern look that had required taking off his sunglasses to pull off properly. Things were getting serious. And if that hadn’t been enough, the cyborg had slowly started counting up on his fingers. He couldn’t say that he was afraid of what would happen. In fact, he was rather curious as to what those consequences were.

As Franky held up three fingers Luffy’s beetle was nearly making contact with soft golden hair. Did he have to balls to actually set this thing on the cook’s head? Glancing at the highly interested audience he held across the deck it looked like everyone was ready to find out.

 

That was when hands sprouted from his shoulders and jerked their captains latest friend away from their yet to be traumatized cook.

  
  


“Hey, what the hell Robin! Let go!”

 

 

He tried to keep the struggle from ending tragically, but it didn’t stop the inevitable.

  
  
  


Crunch.

  
  


\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He watched Luffy come back on deck with a heated up banana for his newest crew member. He felt super bad for the kid, but he couldn’t say anything. They were committed to this lie and there was no going back now. Especially not with that look the captain had in his eyes. It was so innocent and completely oblivious.

 

“Hey Zoro, where’s Sneaky?”

 

It hurt to hear him say those words, and the question wasn’t even directed at him. The poor kid had no idea.

 

“Oh, he had to leave, he wouldn’t say why, but he left this note for you. Right Chopper?” Zoro said, handing Luffy the note and glancing over at their trustworthy doctor.

  
  


“R-right! He just said it was urgent and he couldn’t wait any more.”

  
  


Luffy looked over the note. He sat cross-legged on the deck and set the banana next to him. He cleared his throat and started reading.

  
  


“My Dearest Luffy,

I’m sorry that I had to leave you so soon. My journey is long and you kindness alone has given me the strength I need to continue on my trip. Time is short, as my homeland in in danger. Do not follow me, or the fate of my home is sealed. This is a journey I must take alone. Though our time together was short, it will be something I’ll cherish until the day I die. I pray that one day our paths may cross again.

Sincerely yours,

Sneaky.”

  
  


He stared at the note for a bit in silence as he took it all in.

  
  


“Wow… Sneaky is way cooler than I thought!. I even guessed his name right! I wish he coulda stayed longer though... And I can’t believe he writes neater than I do, like Ussop! and he spells really good too!”

 

It seemed as though he had accepted the lie. They were in the clear. He watched as Luffy went back to his spot, and lacking anything better to do, he fell back asleep with the note in his arms.

They waited until they heard him start to snore, which took a brief moment. It would be super bad if he found out now after all that hard work.

  
  


“I still can’t believe that beetle was dead and he didn’t notice. It didn’t move once the entire time he had it.” Squeaked Chopper.

 

“Well it doesn’t matter now, it's super dead either way.”


	11. Wednesday: During Sneaky Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lets see what weird grandpa is up to

He really didn’t know where to start here. There was a system and he had no idea how any of it worked. It was almost intimidating to touch anything in there. There was no doubt that there’d be trouble when Sanji got better if he had anything out of place, and he’d be the only person responsible for any of it. Just thinking of what Sanji would do to him if he made a mess of his kitchen in his absence made his skin crawl.

  
  


Though that being said, he didn’t have any skin. Yohohoho!

  
  


But now was not the time to make jokes to himself because he had work to do. He wasn’t really much of a chef, but his skills would have to do with most of the crew sick, and Robin and Franky keeping the peace out on deck. It was a little nerve wracking to have to fill Sanji’s shoes for even a few days, but it didn’t seem like any one of them were feeling keen on eating, regardless of who made the food, so that was a little comforting.

 

He wasn’t quite sure what to do with any of these pots that were already on the burners. Sanji had something planned with those, but it didn’t look like those dishes were too terribly complicated. It was just soup, and it looked just about finished, but he wasn’t quite sure what to do with the meat sitting in the fridge that was in the process of having….something done to it. That looked a little bit more complex, and he really wasn’t sure what the cook had planned for any of that.

  
  


Perhaps that’d be something he’d ask for direction about later. If it were truly pressing, they’d have had more trouble prying Sanji away from the kitchen, and of course Luffy’s blessing for him to go and save the meat. It was probably safe to assume that it’d be fine just to leave it for the time being. There were containers set out, so he could only assume that the soup was meant to be stored in them. He felt a little overwhelmed and he was just beginning! Hopefully he could do Sanji proud, maybe in the future the overworked chef would even ask for his assistance again! How he would love to be of more-

  
  


“HELP BROOK! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!” A Luffy that he had been previously unaware of yelled.

  
  


Somehow he had managed to get into the kitchen without him noticing. He wasn’t exactly in the “kitchen kitchen”, so to speak, but he was still close enough that it’d probably be frowned upon. He just had to figure out what he was doing here, as it was an emergency.

 

The question was, was it a real emergency, or a snack emergency?  He blocked the way between Luffy and the kitchen, just in case. If he could keep Luffy out of the actual kitchen, it’d be for the best. Sanji would lose his mind and he was having a rough enough time as it was without knowing that Luffy was in there meddling with things.

  
  
  


“What seems to be the problem, Luffy?” He asked.

  
  
  


“We have bananas, right? Because we need to heat one up!” Luffy answered with urgency.

  
  


Had he had eyebrows, he would have raised one. That explained nothing.

  
  


“Why a banana?” He asked, hoping to actually get an answer. Lord knows how hard it could be to get an answer from the captain. Especially when he was already part way through an idea, it was near impossible to get him to reverse his train of thought and explain it.

  
  


“Well Sneaky is sick, and we need to bring up his temperature up because it’s way too low.” He answered seriously while trying to climb over the musician. He should’ve known better than to expect getting an answer so easily. This was Luffy that he was dealing with after all.

  
  


“Who’s Sneaky? I didn’t know we had a stowaway.” He said, getting an agitated sigh in response from his captain as if he had just asked the same question for about the millionth time. At least it stopped him from trying to scale his person for the time being. Sure he was a little annoyed with him, but this was arguably better.

 

“Sneaky is my new beetle friend. He snuck on and no one noticed him until I did so I named him Sneaky and he’s sick so he needs something warm to eat so I need to get a banana and heat it up so he can feel better. You really need to listen, Brook.” Luffy filled him in with all the patience of a fussy child.

 

It was annoying, but really there was no point in arguing with him. After all, that just meant that he’d be in here longer and the longer he was in here, the more likely it was that the rubber man was going to blow chunks in the chef’s kitchen. Sanji had a sixth sense when it came to atrocities being committed in his kitchen. Actually it was shocking that Sanji hadn’t already fought his was in there to complain about how terribly he was running things. Perhaps that meant that he was doing a better job than he had thought. Or someone on deck was physically holding him down so he couldn’t burst in and see just how poorly it was going on his end.

  
  


“Alright. Let’s just get you a banana and you can go back out on deck.” He said, sitting Luffy down at the counter before walking back into the kitchen.

  
  


“It’s gotta be a warm banana.” Luffy reaffirmed.

  
  


“Right, right.” Brook said, going to where Sanji kept the fruit while humming quietly to himself. As he searched he felt something on the left side of his skull close to where his ear would be had he still had ears.

  
  


“Brook, we need you to keep Luffy busy for a little bit. We have a bit of a situation out on deck and it’d only go from bad to worse if our captain were to see what has happened.” Robin’s lips whispered to him. If it was bad enough for Robin to be asking him to keep Luffy in the kitchen instead of out of it, well it had to be bad. He worked an affirmative into his tune discretely just in case she was also listening for a reply and continued on his search.

  
  


“Ah, Luffy? How does one even heat a banana? Would you say it would be something that I heat in the oven? The stove top? Perhaps maybe boil?” He asked, removing the spottiest banana off the bunch.

  
  


“Hmmm…. The last one?” Luffy asked more so than he affirmed.

  
  


This meant that he had to get out the one clean pot left in the kitchen and fill it with water. He hadn’t actually wondered what would happen if one boiled a banana up until this point in his life, but now that they were actually doing it he was genuinely curious. Now they were both standing in the kitchen watching the water boil, waiting to see what would happen to the banana once it was in there. They looked at each other, then at the aggressively bubbling pot as Brook carefully lowered the fruit in with tongs.The water seemed to hiss at them with the addition of the foreign object. Or maybe it was the banana itself, it was hard to tell from within the plume of steam that made their cooking adventure feel more like they were a couple of witches trying to cast a spell on someone. It looked downright sinister for something as simple as boiling a banana.

  
  


Now the banana was in there, and there remained a problem.

  
  


“Um… How long do we leave it in there for?” Brook asked, more to himself than anything.

  
  


“Five minutes.” Luffy said, with more certainty than he had heard from him in the entire time that they had been cooking. It seemed a bit odd and had he still had eyebrows there was no doubt in his mind that he’d be raising one right now.

  
  


“What makes you say five minutes?”

  
  
  


“Whenever Sanji’s cooking something and I ask how much longer, he always says five minutes.”

  
  
  


Now that he thought about it, Sanji always told Luffy five more minutes, even if that wasn’t the case. Luffy didn’t seem to catch on, and he didn’t seem like one to watch the clock anyways. It was a genius move on the cook’s part because it stopped Luffy from whining about the time between meals. He’d have to give the chef credit for that later.

  
  


“Makes sense to me.” Brook said as he set the timer for five minutes.

  
  


Not a word was said as they both stared intensely at the banana floating in the water as it was assaulted by bubbles. As incredibly stupid as this felt, he was just too invested at this point to turn back. All they could hear was the sound of the pot boiling, as not a word was said between the two.

 

By the time the five minutes was up, there was basically no water left and they had successfully managed to turn the banana into a disgusting charred paste at the bottom of Sanji’s once pristine pot. Once Luffy was out of there, he’d let the fear for his life settle in, but for now he was stuck babysitting. Although it couldn’t really be fearing for his life, as he was already dead.

  
  


“Well that didn’t work. Maybe we could sit on it or something?” Luffy offered. It was a terrible idea, but Luffy had already said it so he was no doubt going to try.

  
  


“If you sat on it, it’d just make a mess, Luffy.” Brook pointed out. There was a moment of silence as Luffy thought this over.

  
  
  


“Okay, then you sit on it.” Luffy said, as if he had made some brilliant breakthrough.

  
  
  


He was going to take one for the team here and sit on a banana. This is not something that he would have thought he’d be doing when he started out as a pirate. But he also never thought he’d be a skeleton and life was always full of weird surprises. So he took the banana and put it down on the chair before sitting on it. It didn’t break, but it didn’t feel right. It was just an overall weird experience. Maybe if he just moved a little and-

  
  


Was it really happening? Was this real life?

  
  
  


Both he and Luffy stared at the fruit that had rolled as the musician moved in wordless awe. They both knew what this was. There was no two ways about it. Anyone who made any phallic jokes about fruit and anyone with eyes knew what this was.

  
  


“Boner.” They both whispered in small excited voices.

  
  


It was as if they had been little kids who had just stumbled upon Santa and the excitement muted their voices as it filled their beings. No other words were needed. The sheer amazement had stopped them from even laughing at the joke, because this was a turn of events that neither of them had seen coming and all they could do was stand there in awe of the moment.

  
  


Time seemed to stand still, and he was only snapped out of the amazement of the whole event when Robin tapped him on the shoulder with a bloomed arm. That probably meant that they were good to have him back out on deck. Unfortunately, that meant his time with the banana boner was up. So he stood up slowly and handed it to his captain, who seemed to understand just how melancholic the situation was now that Brook had to give up the only boner he’d had in the last 50 years, and his last one for the foreseeable future. It was for a good cause.

 

No words were needed, as he knew that Luffy would take good care of it. And they both knew it’d be really weird to ask your captain to take care of your boner for you, and they could not return to a point in time where that banana was not his boner now. But it was for the greater good. And so Luffy left the kitchen without another word.

 

It wasn’t every day that you could say that your boner helped nurse a beetle back to health. Today wasn’t that day, because that was weird and not really a thing that you wanted to boast about. Perhaps if the situation came up to form the weirdest sentence you could form, he would.

 

But now was not the time.

  
Right now, he’d simply mourn the loss of a great boner, and celebrate the fact that he didn’t have to clean up any barf in the kitchen all as he scraped up the burnt remains of the banana stuck to the bottom of the pot. He’d worry about what happened on deck later when he knew that things had calmed down, and when he was certain Sanji would never find out about the events that had transpired.


	12. Delirium: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Great Googly Moogly It's All Going To Shit

Zoro had never gone so long without a nap before. He had spent the last couple days observing his nakama while remaining wide awake, watching them nod off at different intervals, it was like they were taunting him. He had tried to sleep. what the hell else was there to do besides meditate and sleep when you were feeling like shit? Franky had him on lockdown and all physical activity was out of the question. Even if he had managed to slip away he had one more glaring obstacle in his way.

 

Sanji.

 

He had ironically spent more time passed out than anyone throughout this whole ordeal. Since being banned from smoking only hours earlier the cook’s condition had only seemed to deteriorate. His nausea had been constant and his whining persistent. He had spent a solid 20 minutes with his head hung over the rail until his dry heaving had become too painful to listen to anymore. Zoro had pulled the still gagging cook against his body and urged him to sleep. He had fought him for a solid ten seconds before moaning softly and curling into the swordsman body and finally succumbing to his exhaustion an agonizing full minute later.

 

That was before the whole Sneaky incident. He had slept for nearly two hours with Zoro standing guard over him, giving anyone who dared make what he deemed “enough noise to wake the princess” a death glare. He wasn’t sure why he felt so protective of his crewmate. Maybe it was because he was sick, maybe it was because he was the only one on the ship who could give him a good and fair fight (slingshotting him into the ocean was a dick move). It was maybe because under all the posturing and prissing about Sanji was a good guy if you squinted, but most likely it was because if he woke up and started his chorus of whining, gagging and bitching he was going to drown him.

 

His luck had run out while he had been meditating. There was a commotion across the deck that caused the cook to jerk awake. He had tried to guide the man back into his previous position hoping he might pass out again but it was unsuccessful. Even in his disoriented state Sanji was awake and mumbling about being fucking cold of all things. As he stumbled off to find a sweater with Franky close behind, most likely to make sure that was all he retrieved, Zoro took the chance to stretch his aching back.

 

He had assumed Sanji would head over to Nami’s camp. The witch had commandeered every suitable blanket on the ship and they had Chopper to cuddle with. But when the cook had returned wearing more than one shirt with his dark blue hoodie over top, what looked like Zoro’s dirty sweatpants, and a ratty green blanket trailing behind him he was surprised and annoyed to see him heading in his direction.

 

Which brought him to his current situation.

 

What annoyed him the most was that out of all the places the cook could have chosen in that moment to lay his fevered self… it was on back on him again. No scratch that. The most annoying part of this whole situation was that Sanji had started his whining again while also sitting up to adjust his layers every five fucking minutes. Sure it got him a little closer to naked when Sanji had convinced himself that the thin T-shirt would definitely make a difference in his comfort level, and his green haramaki made a hilarious addition to the man's ensemble but it made it impossible to get comfortable himself with the cook squirming around every time he got settled. He was making Luffy look positively fucking zen.

 

The bastard had finally dozed off half an hour ago and he wasn’t sure if he was back to being relieved for the silence or just pissed off and sweaty. He had yet to experience these chills everyone else was complaining about and he would fucking welcome them at the moment. he could feel the perspiration trailing down his back, making the rail he was leaning against slippery. All up his side he could feel the heat radiating off the cook, the fabric between them growing steadily damper, his sweaty blonde bangs plastered against his chest, the too warm and irregular puffs of breath against his skin.

  
  


Fuck he was uncomfortable.

  
  


Though he couldn’t help but feel like something was escaping his attention… Oh.

  
  


One of them was really heating up and right now that was not a good sign.

  
  


The hardest part was figuring out whether it had to do with him or if it was Sanji causing it. He certainly felt hotter right now, but it was a little concerning that the cook was wearing a good five layers of clothing and still shivering. The swordsman assessed himself. He still felt sick, he was still pissed off, but he didn’t feel any worse than he had all day. Odds were it was probably Sanji. Yelling for Franky to come over would just cause too much commotion and the cook was only really bearable when he was asleep. So long as he could keep the cook asleep for as long as possible, odds were he wasn’t going to go completely batshit crazy by the time they had all recovered.

 

So he was going to have to get somewhat creative. Just a little bit. Moving too much wasn’t really an option because the cook was possibly the lightest sleeper on the sea. Normally that would be an advantage, because the sea was incredibly unpredictable and it was always good to have your guard up to some degree, but right now it was the biggest pain in the ass, because waking him up would without a doubt end in his ears bleeding and that was something that he was going to avoid as much as possible. So with as limited a range as possible Zoro jerked his head back in an attempt to get Franky to notice them. He was regretting the position he chose to relax in, because it made this all the harder as he couldn’t get off his arm without having to move and risk waking the dumbass who was using him as a body pillow. Luckily, Franky seemed to notice the admittedly pathetic attempts he was making to call him over and headed in his direction.

 

“What seems to be the problem, bro?” He asked, his gaze drifting over to the cook who was presently drowning in all the layers he was wearing.

 

“Could you check his temperature? I think he’s getting worse.” He stated, as if it weren’t glaringly obvious.

 

The shipwright put his hand on the cook’s forehead and looked at the number on his wrist. Franky gave a low whistle. That wasn’t good.

 

“That’s pretty high. It’s not super high, but it’s still pretty bad.” He glanced over at the trio on the opposite end of the deck, probably to see if Chopper was awake. “Damn, he’s asleep. We should probably put a damp cloth on his head or something to cool him down a bit.”

 

Franky turned to leave, but stopped when the cook started mumbling something. This caught both their attentions. They looked at each other in hopes the other heard what he said, and then  looked back to the cook, who seemed to be waking up a little. Great... now they were probably going to get bitched out on how he had just fallen asleep and this was going to be half an hour of his life that he wasn’t going to be able to get back.

 

The mumblings of the cook seemed to be growing more and more frequent. They kept picking out more words. Mostly just something about “table twelve” And whatever the hell that meant. Though it didn’t take long before the dumbass seemed to be completely awake and deceivingly alert. He looked between Zoro and Franky with an unfocused eye. A sheen of sweat coated his pale skin and his blond hair hung damply around his flushed face.

 

He looked pissed.

 

“I said, what the hell are you still doing here?! Table twelve hasn’t even gotten their drinks yet! You’re not being paid to scratch your ass!” Sanji scolded with an air of authority as he stood up on wobbly legs that seemed to take away the intensity of the way he held himself.

 

“Table twelve? What are you even talking about, bro?”

 

At least Franky was as confused as Zoro about this whole situation. Sanji looked back to him with a dazed and dangerous expression.

 

“Are you fucking stupid or something? You were just there! You have three tables! Table twelve is the table closest to the kitchen doors and the one next to the stairs. You’ve been working here long enough to know which tables are your’s, shit head! Now get a move on before I kick your ass!” Sanji threatened, raising his knee to his chest in preparations to deliver a blow to the shipwright..

 

Though with the way his legs were shaking right now, odds were it wasn’t going to be anything impressive. Probably not even enough to move the cyborg. Franky decided to try a tactic that didn’t even work when the cook was well. He was going to reason with him. He approached him slowly and spoke in a voice so calming it could have rivaled Robins soothing alto.

 

“Sanji. You’re going to have to relax, bro.There’s no table twelve and there’s no customers to serve. Just sit back down with Zoro here and relax. I’m gonna go get a cold cloth for your head to take down your fever and get you a glass of water, Okay?”

  
  


This didn’t seem to reassure the cook any, if anything, it had made him livid. The cook’s nostrils flared in response.

  
  
  


“Relax?! How the hell am I going to relax if one of our cooks is just going to outright ignore his job! I know that it sucks having to take orders when you could be in the kitchen doing what you’re supposed to do, but we’re short on staff so you have to go out there and take orders too! I have to do it and I’m the sous-chef! Don’t even try to use that bullshit on me I’m not-”

 

His statement was cut short as Luffy, who was just a few short feet away, started throwing up on deck. As if not enough shit was happening already. With the captain already a lost cause he turned his attention back to their delirious cook. Sanji stood silently. His legs were no longer the only thing shaking because his whole body was vibrating. with his head bowed and hair hanging in front of his face Franky assumed that Sanji’s illness had caught up with him and that he was near fainting, and judging by the way Zoro was immediately on his feet reaching out to steady the man, he had reached the same conclusion. They knew they were wrong the second he lifted his head to look at them. The intensity of the emotion swirling in that glassy blue eye leveled both larger men like a rubber man looking for a hug.

 

A look of contempt, hate, and complete disgust was focused solely on their captain.

  
  


“I know that we’re short on staff, but we’re not that short on staff! If you’re that sick, get the fuck off my ship and back home. I don’t need you infecting my staff with your bullshit flu!” Sanji hissed.

 

In an instant, Luffy went from feeling miserable, to visibly agitated and hurt. Of course that would happen, because things weren’t bad enough as it is.

 

“You can’t kick me off! This is my ship!” Luffy yelled back, jumping to his feet and staring down the delirious chef.

 

That idiot wasn’t really going to fight him. There was just no way. Luffy wasn’t that hot headed, probably.

  
  


“Like hell it is! This boat is Owner Zeff’s. There’s a goddamn reason we call him that, shit head!”

  
  
  


“No! This is my ship! And take off some of those clothes! You’re making me hot just looking at you!” Luffy yelled back, his shirt already being wrestled off his body and thrown onto the floor.

  
  
  


“Fine! You know what?! You’re banned! Get the fuck out of my restaurant! I don’t want to see your face again, shit head!” Sanji shouted back at his captain.

 

“You can’t do that cause you’re just a sous-chef and you don’t own it either!” His attention being pulled away from the task at hand as he fought with hands that had sprouted from his waist and were fighting to keep his pants on him. Franky moved in to calm the cook, his hands held up in a placating manner.

 

“Luffy, stay out of this. Sanji, just calm down and we’ll all-“

  
  


“I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO DEAL WITH TABLE TWELVE!” Sanji screeched. His face was completely red with either his fever, rage, or both. Either way, it wasn’t a good situation for him to be in.

  
  


“And you!” He said, turning from the shipwright back to his captain, who was still struggling to free himself from his pants near the rail. “Owner Zeff will sure as shit agree with me in saying you’re banned from this restaurant for life you cocky bastard!”

  
  


“Nu uh! He’ll say you’re a shitty little egg- WHOA!”

  
  


And in one quick moment, things went from bad to worse. Out of all the possible outcomes, he really should have seen this coming. Luffy, who had been fighting a losing battle with Robin for his right to be naked... while carrying on a ridiculous argument... about a fictional restaurant... with his delirious cook... in what he could only be described as an im too hot and therefore irrational tantrum, had fallen backwards over the rail in what had to be the worst possible outcome to this whole shit show.

  
  


“AND STAY OUT!” The cook yelled, leaning over the rails to taunt the now drowning rubber man.

 

 


	13. Delirium: Part 2

“AND STAY OUT!”

  
  


Zoro darted forward and got an arm around Sanji’s waist before the unsteady blonde could topple over the rail. It really wouldn't do to have two idiots drowning. But honestly he couldn’t see how this mess could get any worse.

 

Sick or not, he was going to have to be the one to jump in and save his captain. He heard something hit the deck with a loud thud behind him but he had no time to investigate. That would have to wait until Luffy wasn’t drowning. But first he had to deal with the cook. He moved to turn the struggling man away from the rail and planned on releasing him and maybe giving him a gentle shove to get him moving away from the edge of the ship.

  
  
  


But that plan was quickly shot to hell.

  
  
  


Before he could let go sanji turned to face him and placed both hands on Zoro’s tanned shoulders. He only had a fraction of a second to feel confused.

 

He heard the retch first.

 

The warmth running down his chest hit him next and was instantly followed by the smell. He took a sharp breath in, and then slowly breathed it back out. There was really no point getting upset over something like this. He knew the stupid cook wasn't in his right mind, if he had been he would have already melted into a puddle of humiliation to match the one currently pooling around his feet. Yelling about it would do no good, he would only succeed in pissing him off, which would lead to a fight, and that was the last thing the feverish cook needed. Dammit he needed to get Sanji settled back down, he was obviously feeling like-

  
  


SHIT LUFFY!

  
  


The sound of a splash alerted him to the fact that that at least someone on this fucking ship had the sense to go after their captain. Fuck. His reaction times were getting worse and that was a bad sign. He must’ve been sicker than he thought, and that meant bad news for him. If he was really this off his game then who knew what else he was missing. It made him feel vulnerable and he hated that feeling. It was bad enough that they were down to a third of their fighters, but if worst came to worst, his chances of defending himself and the crew would be-

  
  


What the hell was going on?

  
  


Irritation at the fact that once again he had zoned out and been left unaware of what was going on around him aside, he looked down. He immediately saw the vomit that was making him wish that he hadn’t donated his shirt to this needy idiot. He then noticed Sanji had been trying to remedy the situation and was currently dabbing at his naked chest with a piece of cloth. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be his bandana. By the way this day was going, he wasn’t even surprised anymore, but he was a little shocked that Sanji wasn’t in hysterics considering he had a restaurant to run and had just hurled on someone. However, he was repeating variations of “Oh my god, I’m so sorry”s as he tried not to gag while ultimately failing at the latter.

  
  


“Sanji. Just calm down. Give me back my-“

  
  


He was interrupted as the cook threw up on him again. He didn’t even care anymore. This was just his life for the foreseeable future. He was just going to have to deal with this idiot who had the same response time to throwing up as a toddler. Of all the men on all the Blues, he had to choose him.

 

He looked down at the cook, who was currently in the middle of an attempt to clean Zoro’s chest a second time only to see that he had stopped his dabbing and was gazing back up at him. What the hell was he staring at him for? He studied the blonde noting the way his expression changed from concern and embarrassment, to curious, and finally to something much worse.

  
  


Oh god.

  
  


Was he really going to do this now? Since when did he have the balls to try anything like this in front of everyone?

 

He glanced around the deck and noticed Nami, Usopp and Chopper were all missing. Robin was nowhere to be found either, although he assumed they had all run off to find a way to bring down Sanji’s fever. Who the hell even knew where Luffy and Franky were either, because he had heard the splat of Luffy being thrown back on deck but the confrontation he had expected between the captain and his cook never materialized...but still… even though no one was in sight the cook tended to prefer to keep things like this private… very private.

  
  


“You know, I don’t really say this to a lot of guys, I’m usually more of a ladies man... but I’d be more than willing to make an exception to the rule if it’s someone as good looking as yourself.” Sanji practically purred as he cocked his eyebrow suggestively. The look he was giving him from beneath his golden fringe was positively smouldering, that alone could have caused him to overlook the pathetic pickup line… had he not been covered in the idiots vomit, which he remembered the second the man began tracing lazy swirls on the swordsman exposed and and rapidly drying chest.

  
  


Now was really not the time he wanted to be dealing with the cook’s boner.

  
  


He was dealing with enough bullshit as it was considering he was feeling more dizzy and ill every second he was on his feet, oh, and covered in..he wasn’t going to think about that right now. Right now he had to deal with this man being sick and instantly forgetting about it. Not to mention that was a shitty excuse for a pickup line. It was a wonder the cook wasn’t still a virgin, but seriously, how were people not flinging themselves at his feet at all hours of the day with a line like that he could pull out at any given time?

  
  


“Oh my god. You can’t be serious cook.”

 

 

 

It was a vain attempt, but at least trying to point out how stupid it was that he had just thrown up on him and was now trying to get into his pants in the middle of the deck without even bothering to lower his voice. And here he thought that this flu was kicking his ass, Sanji seemed to be getting it worse than anyone else on the ship.

  
  


“Oh, but I am serious. And just so you know, I’m great with my hands” he added with a sly smile.

  
  


Zoro couldn’t help but snort as he looked the blonde over from head to toe. what a hot mess. The prissy bastard was wearing multiple layers with his sweaty white t-shirt stretched over top, a pair of way too large black sweatpants even he wouldn’t have fished out of the laundry, and his green haramaki was being worn like.. a sash those women in beauty contests wore, clearly for optimum warmth. He kinda looked...like a puffy zoro...if he was drunk and couldn’t figure out how to get his haramaki on. He tried not to smile, he didn’t want to give the idiot the wrong idea. Fuck he needed to convince ussop to sketch this for blackmail at a later date.

 

Sanji took his moment of distraction to snake an arm around his neck, clearly intending to whisper lude things into his ear.

 

This was getting out of hand. It really didn’t matter what he had to say, nothing was going to work for Sanji for the simple reason that nothing is sexy when you’ve been puked on. Right now he’d rather just go and take a shower and put this behind him. The idiot hanging off his neck staggered sideways and the hand he laid on his hip to steady him only caused the grin on the horny shitheads face to grow wider. Fuck. If he didn’t find a way to dissuade him first he’d probably try to join him in the shower. There was just no reasoning with him when he was like this….or actually ever.

  
  


“What happened to all that shame you had about an hour ago about even sleeping next to me?” The swordsman drawled lazily.

  
  


This should at least be a little entertaining to see how he reacted. Maybe that would be enough to snap him out of it. But it appeared as though his attempts were in vain, as the cook’s once attempted seductive look turned to that of confusion. He pulled back slightly and gave him a puzzled look but his dick quickly resumed brain function and his bedroom eyes were back in full force.

 

“But this is the first time we’ve met? Come on, the shitty old man in in bed by ten every night. It’ll be easy to sneak you in and have some fun.” He breathed quietly in his ear, nipping at the three golden bars dangling from his earlobe to drive home his intentions.

 

This was unbelievable. The fever had clearly fried this morons brain, leaving his setting frozen on mindlessly horny. Well if his other answers didn’t work to throw him off, he was just going to tell him outright no. He didn’t think he’d have to, but apparently the cook was too out of his mind to pick up on the swordsman's subtle cues, and it didn’t seem like he was going to snap out of his fantasy any time soon. It was then that the door to the galley opened, and Franky walked out, with an obviously wet and grumpy Luffy tucked under his arm. What exactly happened in the galley... or was this just Luffy still upset from taking that little swim earlier?

  
  


“Sanji, someone’s on the transponder snail for you.” Franky said, gesturing to the galley while making his way down the stairs and over to the pair.

  
  


The pale hands that were on his chest pulled back and went into his pockets. He turned towards the galley and after taking a few steps in that direction glanced back over his shoulder.

 

“Don’t worry, we’ll pick this up later.” He said, with what he could only assume was a wink.

 

Did that dumbass forget that you can’t see both of his eyes because of his stupid hair? That was really incredible and as he watched him slink away he wondered if the cooks oversight was because all his blood had rushed from one head to another, or if he was just that sick. Either way, he was out of his hair for now, and that meant he could get cleaned off. He turned to the shipwright who was kneeling on the deck getting their grumpy captain settled back in. He’d have to remember to thank him for the distraction later, the call was clearly a ploy to draw the cook into the galley where he assumed chopper was waiting to pounce on him. Sanji didn’t get calls, his only other friends and family were on the Baratie and he was sure they were still enjoying being oceans away from the asshole.

  
  


“Hey Franky, I’m going to go take a shower.” He said, already moving towards the bathroom.

  
  


“Sure thing bro. Good on ya for taking all of that so well.” The large man stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, flipping up his shades to give him his full attention.

  
  


The swordsman shrugged.

  
  


“He wasn’t in his right mind so there was really no point in fighting. If I didn’t go along with it it’d just make him a bigger pain in the ass.”

 

Franky’s face broke out in a shit eating grin. He chuckled to himself before slipping his shades back on and giving Zoro a suggestive eyebrow waggle.

  
  


“Oh I bet.”

  
  
  


Zoro chose to ignore the burning sensation that flooded his cheeks as embarrassment washed over him.

  
  


“And what’s that supposed to mean?” He asked, patience wearing thin.

  
  


“It means whatever you want it to, bro. Just go have your bath.” Franky said, waving him off already distracted by Luffy who was stealthily inching his way back to the galley under the cover of his blanket.

  
  


He grumbled as he left to take his bath. It wasn’t a particularly long bath. Maybe five minutes at most. He didn’t really care much for long baths. It was just a waste of time to him. He didn’t really need to do much in there. He simply washed off, and since he was there, he took the time to wash his hair. It’d just save him the trouble of having to do it later.

 

He emerged on deck after grabbing fresh clothes, including a new shirt. He didn’t care how hot it was, shirts just seemed to be more important after the last half hour of his life. After concluding that the spot he and Sanji had shared earlier was in fact the most comfortable spot to be he settled back down. He checked his swords over feeling a little guilty for leaving them unattended but also immensely relieved that he wasn’t scrubbing vomit from their hilts. He figured he could rest his eyes for a bit while they finished up with Sanji inside. It sure was taking a while. What the hell was that idiot doing in there anyways? Hopefully he wasn’t acting like too big of an ass and they were able to snap him out of his delirium.

 

He had pretty well managed to be a dick to everyone he had encountered since he woke up. Luffy was still pouting about it, and understandably so. Sanji had outright told him he never wanted to see his face again and then Luffy ended up falling into the sea. The whole scenario had been ridiculous and the cook was obviously not himself, but he had clearly hurt the rubber man's feelings. I’m rubber you’re glue clearly did not apply to luffy. Once Sanji was in his right mind, there'd be an attempt to get an apology from him, but until then, chances were slim.

  
  
  


It had been nearly an hour since Zoro had returned from his shower and while most of the crew had made their way back to the deck there was still no cook. He had just decided to go investigate when the door creaked open. Franky had paused in the doorway, talking to someone over his shoulder, but he spotted his missing comrade cradled in his arms. The conversation ended and the man descended the stairs carefully making his way towards the swordsman. As he knelt to shuffle the sleeping man back to his former resting spot Zoro took in his appearance. He had been stripped of his ridiculous getup and had been redressed in a pair of loose pants he recognized from when Sanji did his girly stretches, and his gentlecook t-shirt. He couldn't decide if it had been doctor’s orders or if the others just couldn't stand to see their fancy pants friend dressed like an idiot. He was snapped out of his musings when Franky began to speak.

 

“Alright bro, Chopper said…” the cyborg looked overwhelmed for a moment before he began to speak again “ … he said some doctor stuff, but the jist of it was that Sanji is super dehydrated, he kept a glass of water down and some drugs to help with his fever but we’re gonna have to keep an eye on him and make sure he’s drinking or little guy’s probably gonna put him on a drip. Keep him warm but don’t let him overheat, and if you want him to have any dignity left when this is over don’t let him dress himself again…oh...and if he starts getting loopy let him have one of these out of Chopper’s range” the shipright almost whispered as he discreetly handed the swordsman a couple of contraband cigarettes.

  
  


Zoro frowned down at the man who had curled up against his side once again. His face was flushed and dark circles were forming under his eyes. He was absolutely limp, totally unresponsive but he was breathing steadily and didn’t look like he was suffering. He was pretty sure even in his pathetic state the shit cook would be able to sniff out the smokes on his person but he couldn’t bring himself to care. A large hand clapped him on the shoulder.

  
  


“He’ll be fine, just let him rest.” Franky reassured as he settled a blanket over his charge.

  
  


He nodded and closed his eyes. Stupid cook, almost making him worry like that.


	14. Delirium: Part 3

“AND STAY OUT!”

  
  


This was super bad. Things were already bad enough without Luffy going overboard. Since he was the only one who could swim and who wasn’t sick, it was his turn to save the captain by default. He’d save the wishing that there wasn’t a need for a turn system for saving their captain for later when he wasn’t drowning in the sea.

 

He moved to run over to the rails, only to slip on what he originally assumed was Luffy’s discarded shirt. Now staring at the blue sky while laying flat on his back, he could feel a definite warmth seeping through his shirt and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what it was. Now he had two reasons to jump into the ocean... 

 

And then he heard the sound of Sanji heaving. 

 

Because he didn’t have enough to clean up as it was… but putting how super nasty the situation had become aside, someone had to save the captain and that person had to be him. He jumped into the ocean to grab Luffy who was presently uselessly sinking. One of the benefits of their captain being a giant baby was when it came to being in the water you never really had to worry about being kicked in the face as you pulled him out of the sea.

 

He grabbed his captain by the waist and drug them back up to the surface. He popped his head above the water with a gasp and quickly gave Luffy a light squeeze causing him to spray out some ocean and cough a bit. Hands bloomed off the side of the ship to help them back aboard. Still suffering from the effects of being in the water, Luffy stayed uselessly flopped over on his massive forearms. Hopefully the effects of being in the sea would keep him quiet and he wouldn’t try to start any fights immediately. Then he could deal with the whole Sanji problem with as little incident as possible.

 

Finally making it back on the ship, he straddled the rail and set his captain on his feet, although he did not stay there as he limply flopped onto the deck. He may have just still been weak from the water or he may have been in a full blown pout fest. Looking down at his captain, he could see that he wasn’t pleased about this whole situation. He couldn’t really blame him, because as much as it super sucked to slip in puke, it was way worse to get chewed out by a crewmate and friend like that and then almost drown. But Luffy would get over it. As childish as his captain was, he had to probably understand that Sanji wasn’t really in his right mind right now so hopefully his little pity party would be short lived. The fewer fight right now the better.

 

Sanji and Zoro seemed preoccupied with… whatever it was they were doing right now… whatever it was it felt super awkward to watch... And it seemed Zoro’s reflexes were too far gone to avoid Sanji’s lunch... yikes. Suddenly his swim in the ocean was the sweeter deal. It seemed the duo was alone, everyone was probably off trying to find a way to deal with the curly cooks raging insanity. He hadn’t had the chance to fill anyone in on what was happening but Robin was a super smart lady, she’d probably picked up on what was going down about the time Sanji started firing their captain.

 

This would be a super good time to clean off the deck so no one else had to slip in puke. Especially Sanji. He would probably ignite and then end up offing himself because his fever fried his brain. He just needed to grab the mop from the closet in which all their cleaning supplies lived and then track down the bucket. He just had to remember -

 

Where was Luffy? 

 

This was already super stressful without him being a little turd and causing problems because he was throwing a temper tantrum. He took his eyes off of him for a second. It was like dealing with a toddler, or a cat, or something equally bratty. He threw his arms up in exasperation. Now he had to find Luffy and stop whatever stupid bullshit he was going to do before it became an actual problem for everyone. Though upon further inspection, it seemed as though it wouldn’t be hard. The rubber man was still dripping wet, and so he left a trail of drips from the spot he was placed on deck, up the stairs, and into the galley. 

 

This couldn’t be good. 

 

If he knew Luffy, he was probably going to try and mess something up in the kitchen to spite Sanji because he wasn’t allowed in the kitchen until he was better, but Luffy wasn’t really allowed in there period for exactly what he was trying to do now. Brook would stop him, but Luffy wasn’t really the type to just accept anything he didn’t want. He’d just have to grab the captain and carry him back out on deck.

 

Though upon entry, chaos was not what he saw. Instead he found his captain standing in front of the transponder snail with an unwavering pout. He was in the process of relaying his sad tale to whoever was on the other line, and he was kinda making Sanji out to be a super asshole. The little fucker was tattling to someone, and judging from the gruff voice conversing with their captain it was an older man. Was this Sanji’s father? Did he have a father?

 

With an annoyed sigh, he walked over to the snail and took the mic from the five year old impersonating a pirate captain. At the very least he hadn’t messed around in the kitchen. This situation would be a lot easier to deal with without Sanji having an aneurism over some bratty thing Luffy did. 

 

“I’m sorry about the captain. He’s a bit… I’m gonna say eccentric.” 

 

He hoped Luffy hadn’t being too much of a brat, though that was hard to believe as he was busy swatting away rubber hands as he spoke. The man on the other end of the phone gave an amused snort.

 

“Wish you told me that before the idiot put a hole in my roof months ago. He’s as much of a shitty brat as Eggplant is.” 

  
  


Seemed as though the guy was at least well acquainted with the way their captain worked. Couldn’t really blame him for calling Luffy a shitty brat, certainly not with the way he was acting right now.

  
  


“So I’m guessing that Eggplant is Sanji, right? That’s a super cute nickname” Franky chuckled as he spoke, he’d be sure to use it next time he could afford to get on curly cooks nerves without risking his life.

  
  


“You have my blessing to use it. So how is he anyways? I hear he’s sick and being a pain in everyone’s ass.”

  
  


“Yeah, it’s just a flu bug. Though he’s not the worst behaved one out there.” He glared down at Luffy, who was hanging off his arm in an attempt to take back his revenge. “His fever got a little out of hand and he’s a bit delirious right now. He kept complaining about me not checking table twelve and kicked Luffy out of a restaurant I guess?” Maybe this would make sense to him.

  
  


“Hmm Funny, considering table twelve just complained about slow service. Has he been giving you a hard time?” The older man asked with concern. 

 

He didn’t know how much to tell him, he didn’t want to complain to him about how much of a pain in the ass he had been thus far. It wasn’t necessarily Sanji’s fault either. He probably wasn't even aware of the performance he had just given, that aside though, man could that guy hurl.

 

“Well a little... I mean he doesn’t exactly give you much warning when he’s gonna be sick so that’s a little challenging.” Franky grumbled, hopefully he wouldn’t make the man feel guilty about this or something.

 

“Yeah, he barfs on everything and it’s annoying.” Luffy grumped beside him.

  
  


He had to do a double take because Captain Monkey D. Luffy... who’s lunch was still clinging to the back of his slowly drying shirt... who threw up in the middle of a sentence that morning, while asking for a snack... Who had spent this ordeal entirely alone with only a dead bug to briefly keep him company because no one wanted to be hurled on… this man did not just call out Sanji for throwing up on everyone’s fucking world. A gruff voice brought him back to the conversation at hand.

  
  


“He still hasn’t grown out of that? I remember when he was just a little brat...I caught him with his first cigarette and he was sick as a dog. Couldn’t keep a damn thing in him, I’d turn my back for a second and he was sick all over the floor looking just as surprised every time. Spent the whole night up with him in the bathroom, and even then I had to keep the little shit in the tub with a bucket. Spent the next two days sick in bed and the better part of two weeks sporadically ill. He even threw up in the kitchen once, had to shut the whole damn place down for the afternoon. I called a doctor in but he had no fever which ruled out infection or injury. He insinuated it must be something he had eaten... never did find out if he made it back to the mainland. The kid just got over it one day. The little bastard never breathed a fucking word about the simple reason why he was sick, probably thought I would have kicked him through a wall if I knew he had never stopped smoking… of course I did when I finally caught him in the act.”

  
  


Franky couldn’t fight the smile that broke out across his face. Their cook wasn’t one to share stories of his childhood with the crew. It was a cute story, he could just imagine Sanji as a little boy… running around a bustling restaurant… getting into trouble… with a cigarette? Wait. How old was Sanji when he started smoking? He had heard Chopper ask him before but it always seemed to end in cotton candy. He had the man who raised him on the line… golden opportunity to find out, but how did he ask without it being offensive?

  
  


“You know Sanji got pretty upset earlier when Luffy got sick on the deck, although he was sure it was his kitchen at the time. He must have learned that was a no no when he got sick in your kitchen, you know, when he started smoking… ha ha… how old was he then? 

 

The cyborg held his breath hoping he hadn’t stepped over the line. He didn’t want the man to think he was insulting his parenting skills. Even Luffy had stopped squirming clearly curious.

  
  


“Hmm… Couldn’t have been older than ten. Thought that he’d figure out there was a reason why neither cooks nor children smoked. I told him that if he wanted to ruin his career that was his problem not mine, and that if he wanted to do it, he’d have to find a way to get his own cigarettes. Lord knows how many times he’s tried to bum a smoke off one of the customers.” The old chef chuckled to himself reminiscing about the little boy he had raised.

 

Franky’s eyebrows nearly flew off his face. Sanji had been chain smoking since he was ten fucking years old?!?! Was he really surprised? The guy was raised by pirates they should be thankful he wasn’t an alcoholic as well, Although he couldn’t help but think that a drunk Sanji would get along better with their swordsman. A tug on his sleeve broke him out of his musings. A very smug Luffy mouthed “I’m telling Chopper” before trying to wriggle away unsuccessfully. He frowned at the behavior, he would ask Robin to have a talk with Luffy about being a little shit disturber but first he needed more info.

 

“So do you know any other way to keep him from throwing up on everything? It might be tricky keeping him in the tub...” 

 

It was a long shot but this was a man who had raised a child to adulthood. Chances were Sanji had been sick more than once while in this man’s care. He was going to milk this dad for every trick he had for dealing with sick little boys because Sanji may be a grown ass man now but the fucker licking his arm in an attempt to be free was not.

  
  


The pirate chef was quick to dash his hopes.

  
  


“Little eggplant may have picked up a few bad habits but I made sure he was well taken care of, He was only ever sick the once and I would have prevented even that if I had known what the little shit was up to…although now that I think about it Patty tried hanging a bucket around his neck, but even at ten he was too proud for something as demeaning as that.

  
  


Super, he was no closer to solving that problem. That was just perfect... however Luffy could possibly be convinced, maybe he could play it off as some sort of game. He was running through different designs in his head when he realized there was a super awkward silence. He didn’t really know what else to say, and even the other end seemed to be quiet despite being a restaurant during the dinner rush. He was about to offer to go find Sanji when the older chef asked a question.

  
  
  


“So...he hook up with that swordsman of yours yet?” 

  
  
  


Franky laughed loudly startling the rubber man trapped by his massive arm. Well that was one way to end an awkward silence! A super awkward and super loaded question, but a way to end the silence none the less.

  
  


“Well, uh.. That’s...That’s kind of a hot topic around here lately. You know Sanji, that guy would never admit to being anything but a ladies man, But considering they’ve spent almost the entire time they’ve been sick cuddling together and looking like pros doing it… I’m gonna say there is a strong possibility they have done this before… and an even stronger possibility that if they have indeed cuddled before, that it was likely without pants...” Franky finished with a pervy smile, glancing around the room to make sure no one was listening he added quietly “Neither of them are saying anything about it, but everyone here who has anything to say about it is pretty sure that there’s something going on.”

  
  


He could hear cheering as well as a muted “Son of a bitch! Just take your fucking money asshole!” from a different man. He couldn’t stop the grin on his face from growing wider. It seemed as though they weren’t the only ones betting on Sanji’s taste in partners.

  
  


“DID I SAY YOU SHITHEADS COULD STOP WORKING!? I’M NOT PAYING FOR YOU TO PISS AWAY YOUR TIME GAMBLING IN THE KITCHEN! WE ALL KNEW HE WAS AS STRAIGHT AS HIS EYEBROWS! NOW GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE I KICK SOME WORK ETHIC INTO YOU!” 

 

He could see where Sanji learned to deal with things. If the two were as alike as they seemed, he could almost guarantee that there wasn’t a single woman on staff there. Suddenly Sanji’s inability to communicate, let alone be in the presence of women made all the sense in the world. Speaking of the awkward cook, he should really go relieve Zoro of his charge… 

 

“So you want me to get him? Because he doesn’t really have anything important to be doing right now… and considering you raised him you probably know how to talk him down better than anyone.” He added with a stretch and a yawn. He’d never know his words had caused the older chef to blush.

  
  


“Sure, why the hell not.”

  
  


“I’ll go get him then.” He set the mic down and walked out on deck with the captain still on his arm and grumpy as ever.

  
  


Looking down from the top of the stairs he saw what could only be described as the saddest attempt he had ever seen to get into anyone’s pants in his life. Zoro looked like he’d agree with that analogy and looked exasperated to say the least.

  
  
  
  


“Sanji, someone’s on the transponder snail for you.” He gestured with his free hand.

  
  
  


“Don’t worry, we’ll pick this up later.” The cook purred with what he could only assume was an attempt at a wink forgetting that requires both his eyes. It was a little pathetic, but super funny.

  
  
  


“Hey Franky, I’m going to go take a shower.” Zoro grunted, making his way to the back of the ship, though it seemed as though he was taking the longer way there. Still an improvement from the beginning when he would sooner end up in the ocean than the bathroom, but really it wasn’t that hard to see which way was faster. He’d let it slide for now, the guy probably had other things on his mind.

  
  


“Sure thing bro. Good on ya for taking all of that so well.” He said, clapping him on the shoulder while gesturing to the hell the swordsman was presently living with his chin. He flipped up his shades to give the man a once over. He wouldn’t voice his concern for the guy out loud, preserving Zoro’s manly feelings, but he was looking pretty haggard.

  
  


The swordsman shrugged.

  
  


“He wasn’t in his right mind so there was really no point in fighting. If I didn’t go along with it it’d just make him a bigger pain in the ass.”

  
  


Franky had to admit that it was good to see the swordsman being the bigger man, but how could he honestly leave his guard down like that. He had no choice but to take the opportunity presented to him. He tried to contain his shit eating grin as he slipped his shades back on. He had no control over the chuckle that accompanied his suggestive eyebrow waggle.

  
  
  


“Oh I bet.” 

  
  


Zoro’s face lit up in a mix of rage and embarrassment. It seemed as though it was a successful blow. It was a super rare moment to get one in on the swordsman like that. He had to take it.

  
  


“And what’s that supposed to mean?” He asked, patience wearing thin.

  
  
  


“It means whatever you want it to, bro. Just go have your bath.” Franky said, waving him off already distracted by Luffy who was stealthily inching his way back to the galley under the cover of his blanket. As soon as he got Luffy settled in he could deal with the puke all over his deck. 

  
  


Just super.

  
  
  


Once that was all done and out of the way, he headed into the galley. The sight that met his eyes was… well he wasn’t sure what it was but he knew it was something he was never going to forget.

  
  


“Umm.. should I leave?” the cyborg asked with a filthy grin.

  
  
  
  


______________________________________________________________

 

He listened to Sanji speaking quietly with his old man while he sipped cautiously on a glass of water. He was curled up on the bench against a fluffy pillow, a blanket draped across his freshly dressed self and an arm thrown over his eyes. He was clearly not feeling well but he knew where he was and hadn’t thrown up in six minutes and as far as Franky was concerned that was cause for celebration. Sanji chuckled at a comment from a man in the background that had the old man cursing in the same unique fashion as their own foul mouthed cook and the shipwright felt his heart melt a little. It was super touching to just lean back and watch this moment of father and son happen right before his eyes. Just by the way that they spoke, he could tell that it had probably been super hard for him to leave home. And it definitively did not bring a tear to his eye. Nor did it bring several to both. 

 

He was just sweating really hard from his eyes.

 

Once the touching family moment had passed and Sanji had fallen asleep, he placed his hand on the blonde’s forehead. His temperature was lower than what it had been before, thank god. Hopefully that meant that he’d still be lucid when he woke up. He looked so pale and ruffled. Still flushed and absolutely exhausted, but compared to the last half hour or so...He looked almost peaceful. 

 

It would probably be best to have him back in his spot when he woke up. He would be a lot more comfortable and relaxed waking up next to Zoro since it would most likely be the last place he remembered being, and he had spent enough time in the last little bit disoriented. So as gently as he could, he scooped Sanji up and headed back out to the deck pausing briefly to speak to Brooke about dinner plans in the doorway. 

 

He felt Zoro’s eyes burning holes in his back throughout the brief exchange with Brook and when he turned around, sure enough the swordsman had his eyes trained on him giving off a protective vibe. It was a little creepy. He held Sanji a little tighter, the scrutiny making him feel a little less confident that he could get the man to the bottom of the stairs without dropping him on his head or something. He made it and arranged the blonde against Zoro’s side a little awkwardly. It felt super weird trying to prop the usually loud and volatile chef against the irritable and proud swordsman. The were usually at each other’s throats and it was surreal that he was arranging them in such an intimate fashion. It was like playing with dolls and putting them in naughty positions, nervous of being caught… not that he had ever played with dolls he was just assuming. But seriously was this ethical? It couldn’t be good for anyone’s blood pressure.

  
  


“Alright bro, Chopper said…” the cyborg looked overwhelmed for a moment before he began to speak again “ … he said some doctor stuff, but the jist of it was that Sanji is super dehydrated, he kept a glass of water down and some drugs to help with his fever but we’re gonna have to keep an eye on him and make sure he’s drinking or little guy’s probably gonna put him on a drip. Keep him warm but don’t let him overheat, and if you want him to have any dignity left when this is over don’t let him dress himself again…oh...and if he starts getting loopy let him have one of these out of Chopper’s range” the shipright almost whispered as he discreetly handed the swordsman a couple of contraband cigarettes. He watched an array of emotions flit across the stoic man’s face, from irritation to affection and back again. 

  
  
  


“He’ll be fine, just let him rest.” Franky reassured as he settled a blanket over his charge. 

  
  


Zoro nodded and closed his eyes. He watched as the man’s breathing evened out almost instantly dropping off to sleep. He turned away from the manly cuddles with a sigh, now he could go back to praying that this would all be over soon.


	15. Delirium: Part 4

He heard a muffled shouting as he sunk deeper into the water. He couldn’t tell whether he was more mad about drowning or about being kicked out of the Baratie while being miles and miles away from the restaurant itself. Either way he was pissed off...but mostly drowning and his lungs were starting to burn but not nearly as much as his feelings were for this betrayal from one of his own. And here he thought him and Sanji got along great. He didn’t like being wrong, especially not about things like this. His cook would no doubt pay for his actions. Even if he was sick, everyone was sick and they weren’t being jerks about it. None of them kicked him out of any restaurants, or hurt him with the most painful words you could ever say to someone, let alone your friend and captain. 

  
  


He was probably going to be mad about this forever.

  
  


He had been so wrapped up in his sulk fest and literally drowning, that he hadn’t noticed Franky had jumped in after him. He was quickly plucked from below the water’s surface and drug back up towards the ship. Water shot from his mouth when Franky squeezed most of it out of him, the rest was coughed out as air took the place of the water in his lungs. His once crossed lanky arms now dangled loosely over the shipwright’s massive ones. He had really had enough water for today, and this was also definitely Sanji’s fault, because all his layers were making him so hot that he accidentally fell overboard trying to take off his pants. 

  
  


Now he’d extra pay for this.

  
  


The moment he was dropped back on deck he began plotting his revenge. He had the perfect plan in mind, and it was the worst thing you could possibly do ever, and Sanji was going to be so mad and it was going to be so awesome!

 

With the power of sheer will and vengeance he overcame the aftereffects of being covered in sea water (That seemed to only affect him, but whatever). He hopped to his feet and stormed off towards the kitchen. He had a brilliantly heinous plan and Sanji was going to get in so much trouble. If he was willing to disrespect him, the captain, then he’d have to go to someone who had even more authority with stuff like this...someone who could yell some sense into him. Though he wasn’t big on doing it, he knew it had to be done. This hurtful crime had to carry the worst possible punishment he had given to anyone ever.

  
  
  


He was going to tell on him.

  
  


Sanji was gonna get yelled at for being a jerk and told to his stupid jerk face that his captain was indeed allowed back in that restaurant and that he wasn’t allowed to kick him out and that he was a jerk for even trying ever. This was gonna be so good, the perfect plan. He would tell Sanji to cook up a feast to celebrate how awesome...oh wait. 

 

Luffy stopped to polish that thought and then felt silly. The feast would definitely have to wait until everyone was feeling better or it wouldn’t be much of a party! That was definitely the only flaw in his party plan.

 

Now he just had to remember the number. It was on the specials menu definitely. He vaguely recalled reading it with disappointment when he had reached the end of all those awesome sounding foods. Sanji was going to be in so much trouble, the thought of revenge almost made him smile...though he still didn’t have what he wanted yet, so the pout on his lips stayed firmly in place as he angrily stared down the transponder snail and dialed the number.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  
  


Dinner rush was dinner rush. Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything was chaos and foul language. The waiters had walked off the job after a particularly stern appraisal from the boss leaving the kitchen staff to juggle both ends of the restaurant. He had been left in charge of making sure the floor ran as smoothly as possible but the fuckers he had assigned to the other end of the dining room had yet to serve table twelve. He had his own tables to attend to and he sure as shit wasn’t going to go out and do their jobs for them...but apparently he was going to have to answer the phone because none of these idiots were going to do it. It better not be a big reservation because he had enough on his plate without having to squeeze in a huge party.

  
  


“Hello, this is the Baratie, Patti speaking. How may I help you today you bastard?” He asked in the most polite tone he could muster.

  
  


“I need to speak to Owner Zeff.” The voice on the other end said firmly. The person sounded familiar. Was it someone who worked had there before?

  
  


“First, who the hell are you, and why do you want to talk to Owner Zeff?”

  
  


“I’m Monkey D Luffy, the man who’s going to be King of the Pirates, and this is about Sanji.” 

  
  


So chore boy was calling? Wait. He was calling about Sanji. And judging by his tone what he had to discuss was serious. An uneasy feeling was brewing in his gut regarding that prissy pain in the ass. What kind of trouble had he gotten himself into that required a phone call home? Unless...oh...no. It seemed everyone else in the kitchen had heard the seriousness in the boy’s voice too, as everything around him went silent and all eyes were focused on him.

  
  


“Wait wait wait. What are you going to tell him? I can’t have you springing something on the old geezer and having him keel over on us.” Patti choked out.

  
  


“I said, I need to speak to Owner Zeff. It’s important.”

  
  


“Listen here, Strawhat. Just tell me what you’re going to say and then I’ll go get him.” It seemed like a reasonable enough request, however a well meaning kitchen hand had run off to get the boss the moment the serious voice on the phone had asked for him. Patti startled, tightening his grip on the receiver, when Zeff cleared his throat a few feet away. He hadn’t even heard the old man approach he had been so preoccupied, but judging by the his lack of color and worried eyes Zeff had heard enough to know what was coming. The two shared a meaningful look as the head chef hobbled over and took the mic from his hands.

  
  


Carne joined them with a chair that he immediately offered to their old friend. Zeff took it without even an insult for insinuating that he couldn’t take this news standing up. He removed his impressive hat and held it to his chest preparing for the message that he had been dreading since the moment that shitty brat had left the safety of home to chase both their dreams. He tried to keep a straight face and told himself whatever heartbreak awaited he would not cry in front of his staff. As tough as they looked they were a bunch of babies and if he lost it everyone would be in tears for days. 

  
  


“Alright you little brat, you said you had something to tell me about Sanji?” His voice was as gruff as ever, but anyone who knew the man long enough could hear the waver in it. 

  
  


“I do” was the solemn answer.

  
  
  


They all braced for the worst as Strawhat had taken a deep breath in.

  
  


“You told Sanji not to get sick and now he is sick and he kicked me out of the restaurant and said he never wanted to see me again and then I fell into the ocean because he had too many layers on so say he’s in trouble and a jerk so I win.”

  
  


There was a stunned silence. 

  
  


It took a moment for the Zeff to sift through the bullshit he had just been gifted with to find the snippets that brought him a relief he hadn’t felt since a decade earlier while stranded on a god forsaken rock watching a growing speck on the horizon.

  
  


Sanji was sick...but he was alive and being an asshole.

  
  


He dropped his head into his hands and took a moment to hold onto that feeling.. but the moment was short lived as he was immediately overwhelmed with the sheer stupidity of the rest of the shit that had dribbled out of that idiot’s brain. 

 

“YOU CAN’T SCARE AN OLD MAN LIKE THAT! I NEARLY HAD A DAMN HEART ATTACK BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT SHITTY EGGPLANT HAD UP AND DIED! HOW’D YOU EVEN GET THIS NUMBER ANYWAYS?” Zeff’s voice thundered through the kitchen and most likely the dining room as well. 

 

He had voiced the question because he was furious, boiling over with nervous energy that was easiest to expel as rage, but come to think of it, that was pretty interesting information that Strawhat knew the number. He didn’t stay that long and odds were Sanji didn’t tell him shit.

  
  


“It was on the menu, on the little specials pull out thing.” 

  
  


How many times did he even read the menu? He was only working there for a few hours and it took most new staff at the very least a few days to memorize the number.  Hell he was just the chore boy he didn’t even have to know the damn thing. 

  
  


“You’re kidding me. There’s no way you remember that” Zeff growled.

  
  


“I remember all of it” Luffy stated with casual authority.

  
  


It had to be bullshit. The idiot couldn’t even remember what tables he was supposed to go to. There was no way he could remember a damn thing off the menu. He was about to call him out on it when the kid started naming all the dishes in order off the menu, only stopping to comment on the few that lacked meat. It was amazing, but at the same time terrifying. How could he remember all that?

\---------------------------------------------------------------

 

The mic was ripped from his hands by Franky, and it was cheating because he was way taller than him so it was in no way fair. Now he was talking about things that were completely irrelevant to the reason he called. They were gonna forget and Sanji was going to get away with it! He had to get it back. It was the only way that he could rub it in his face that he was right and that Sanji was wrong. Now he wouldn’t get the chance to stick his tongue out at him in victory. He could only do it like a brat who lost and that took away all his power. Somehow even when he climbed onto the cyborg’s arms he could still keep the mic out of his range and talk into it uninterrupted . 

  
  


It wasn’t fair. 

  
  


Now all that was left to do was sulk as he hung off of Franky’s massive forearm. He wasn’t going to give up just yet. No he’d end up with that mic because he wasn’t done tattling on Sanji and he still wasn’t allowed back into the restaurant. They were miles away from the Baratie but it didn’t lessen the fact that he had been kicked out unjustly and he was mad about it.

 

Just because he was in the middle of a really successful pout didn’t mean that he was ignoring what was happening in the call. He was just preoccupied with whining and trying to get back what was rightfully his and finish tattling so that Sanji would be the one in trouble and then he could laugh at him. Then he’d be really sorry and he’d never kick him out again for stupid reasons. 

 

When the subject of Sanji being sick with no warning and his absolute inability to predict when he was going to puke was brought up, it was only natural that Luffy weighed in on the subject. 

 

“Yeah, he barfs on everything and it’s annoying.” He grumbled, perhaps in an attempt to get him in trouble like he had intended to in the first place. 

 

Sanji was being a jerk and he had this coming. The look that Franky was giving him went completely over his head. It seemed his plan had failed, and ultimately he was being ignored again in favor of a boring old man story. It had nothing to do with adventure and none of the elements needed to keep his interest. So his mission to get the mic back was again in full swing. And he’d keep trying even as Franky was keeping it out of his reach which was pretty impressive since he was made of rubber.

 

Sure Zeff could still hear him and if he so chose he could keep tattling on his jerk cook but it was the principle of the matter. He wanted to do the talking so that meant he should get to hold the mic. Also he was captain and captains get to do the cool in charge things like holding the mic, but when Franky asked how old Sanji was when he started smoking, he quieted down to listen. This was important information to have if he ever wanted to twist Sanji’s arm for more food, it might even get him out of trouble in the future so it was worth his while to listen. 

 

“Hmm… Couldn’t have been older than ten.” The old man said wistfully before he got grumpy again and Luffy tuned him out.

  
  


Oh ya...this was no doubt information that he could use.

  
  


He didn’t even want to wait. He wanted to tell Chopper right now so that Sanji would get in trouble right now. Why wait for something like this when you could get the benefits immediately? He tugged on the shipwright’s sleeve to get his attention.

  
  


“I’m telling Chopper.” He mouthed with a wide grin on his face. 

  
  


He wasn’t sure what compelled him to blab about his current plan, but he never really was one for impulse control. Right now that was something he regretted because he was currently trapped in a firm hug of discipline between Franky’s heavy arm and chest, and was none too pleased about this development. This was stupid and he had no one to blame but himself, but he was still going to be mad at Franky for doing this to him.    
  


The only logical course of action he had left seemed to be licking his arm until he simply didn’t want to hold onto him anymore. It was a trick that had been successful many a time before, and a trick that had earned him many a noogie from Ace. Even so it was a trick that worked and he’d probably have time to steal back the mic before he got noogied. 

 

His plan failed to have any effect on the man, as he didn’t budge in the slightest. Instead he eventually ended up squeezing him as he laughed, causing him to blow a raspberry and sound more like a deflating whoopee cushion than anything. His trick was failing him, and he couldn’t help but return to sulking. Usually licking someone was foolproof, yet here it was doing nothing.

  
  


This was stupid.

  
  


His failure was looking definite as the cyborg seemed to be wrapping up his conversation with the old chef. That meant Franky would be leaving and that he too had to leave by association. He squirmed, but to no avail. He was already being carried out of the galley doors which even closed behind him just to rub it in.

  
  


It wasn’t fair.

  
  


But it looked like there was still hope. Franky said there was someone on the transponder snail for Sanji and he was heading to the galley to go talk to Zeff. so maybe he’d still get told that he was a jerk to his stupid dumb face by Zeff and that’d be way worse than if he did it himself. That would show him.

 

But he didn’t want to miss seeing this. Luffy wanted to be right there when it happened so he could have his “na na na boo boo” moment because he was the winner in this situation and Sanji was not. And this meant that he couldn’t just sit around doing nothing. He had to take action.

 

With all the stealth that his sneaky friend had taught him in the short time they spent together, Luffy disguised himself under his blanket and slowly began to crawl toward the galley so he could witness the glorious completion of his revenge and Sanji being scolded… Or even better...Zeff was a grumpy guy he might even kick Sanji out of the restaurant! Then he’d see how it feels and Luffy would get to have his moment of being right. 

  
  


It would have been perfect, except his shipwright had seemed to be dead set on keeping him from having any fun, as he was stopped and nudged back to his spot. He’d make sure Franky knew just how unfair he thought this whole situation was later. 

 

But for now his belly was starting to hurt so he’d sit against the rail and sulk. He’d sleep a little, but it’d be mostly sulking. He’d be sure to dream about being right, so then he could enjoy being right twice and Sanji would be stuck being a jerk and having to say he was sorry. 

 

Oh how victory was going to be sweet.


	16. Delirium: Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It got out of hand, so have a really super long chapter.

“AND STAY OUT!”

A sense of smugness washed over him as he had gotten exactly what he wanted. Hopefully now that shit head knew who was in charge around this restaurant. He wasn’t the head chef, but Zeff wasn’t around right now so that meant that he was the one giving the fucking orders. He’d be damned if the staff didn’t give him the respect he deserved as the sous-chef. He may have been young, but odds were he had spent more time cooking than any of these shit heads. He had proved his skill time and time again. Next time he’d kick the manners into these fuckers.

His stomach clenching strangely tuned him back into his surroundings. Someone was holding him around his middle and it was uncomfortable. Suddenly he was moving, his world tilted and he was spun away from the door, disoriented he turned in the strangers grasp intending to ask what the hell they thought they were doing man handling him but it wasn’t words that escaped his mouth.

The bitter taste of bile invaded all his senses and he closed his eyes willing his stomach to settle. He heard a sharp intake of breath and it didn’t come from him. It was then that his foggy brain registered that he was still being held by someone, and his hands were resting on that someone’s shoulders. Oh fuck. He had just done the very thing he had chastised that cocky bastard for. But this was so much worse…he hadn’t done it on the floor. No, that would have been too forgiving for karma to allow. This had to be the sick joke of a cruel and twisted god.

He had just thrown up on a customer.

This was easily the most embarrassing thing he had ever done in his life. He was never going to live this down. Never in his entire career had he done anything like this before, Zeff was going to murder him. He was going make him clean up this mess and then he was going to murder him.

He had to find some way to fix this. Oh god did he have to find some way to fix this. He grabbed what he could only assume was a napkin out of the customers pocket and started trying to dab the mess off of the man without smearing it into the fabric of his pants. How he had gotten in here without a shirt was beyond him, but he had more pressing matters than how this brute was completely disregarding the dress code of the restaurant.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry. Oh god. Oh fuck. I’m so so sorry.” He muttered apologetically, trying to ignore the growing nausea he felt.

He’d never done well around puke. He couldn’t help it, he had always been a sympathetic vomiter. Although he had never been sick with a virus or anything of the sort a day in his life on the rare occasions he had crossed paths with anyone who was experiencing the least pleasant symptom of being ill he often found himself getting sick right along with them. Patti had found it a hilarious weakness to exploit until he found it exploited all over his shoes on one occasion. The best part was out of everyone he seemed to have the most sympathy for himself as his own sick left him in a cycle of dry heaving that was only ever broken when his abdominals had cramped up beyond use or Zeff had taken pity on him and dumped a bucket of ice water over his head and his body’s need to expel his stomach contents took a back seat to his need to expel every expletive he knew in a creative fashion.

He gagged. And then again. He tried to focus on anything but the smell, the feel of the damp napkin in his hand. He could do this. He was almost finished and the guy wasn’t even yelling, this was going better than he could have hoped. Maybe the old man wouldn’t even find out. Everything was going to be fine. He could feel his stomach contents crawling up the back of his throat.

“Sanji. Just calm down. Give me back my-”

The disgraced cook tried to swallow what remained of his lunch and pride because he had thrown up on this man a second time and also interrupted what he was going to say. He was just the worst kind of person. How could he call himself sous-chef when he let something like this happen, not once, but twice. There was no doubt in his mind that the guy was just fuming mad. But when he looked up, he didn’t see that at all.

Sure he looked a little annoyed, but his eyes were more patient than anything. He had an admirable sense of calm about him. Hell, puke aside, he was really attractive. Maybe he could steer the conversation in another direction and make this work for him.

“You know, I don’t really say this to a lot of guys, I’m usually more of a ladies man, but I’d be more than willing to make an exception to the rule if it’s someone as good looking as yourself.”

Though there had yet to be any takers on that offer. He didn’t have to know that. He’d just make an ass of himself even more so than he already had. To make sure he got the point, he waggled his eyebrows and traced his fingers along his abs in swirl patterns. He’d have to be a complete idiot to miss a come on like this.

“Oh my god. You can’t be serious cook.”

Judging by the look on the guys face, he was being coy with him. Who knew a man that was so well sculpted and confident would be so easily brought to bashfulness. Perhaps a similar situation had happened to him before, only to have the prize tugged out of his reach at the last second? He was gonna have to lay it on thick if he wanted this gorgeous stranger to know just how serious he was.

“Oh, but I am serious. And just so you know, I’m great with my hands…”

That was clearly the right thing to say because sexy stranger had grabbed him suggestively, he could feel the guys strong hands on his hips and ooooh ya he was soooo getting laid tonight.

“What happened to all that shame you had about an hour ago about even sleeping next to me?”

That was an odd thing to say. He hadn’t even been asleep since at least five this morning and he hadn’t even known this man for an hour. Had everyone here lost their mind?

“But this is the first time we met? Come on, the shitty old man in in bed by nine every night. It’ll be easy to sneak you in and have some fun.”

All he had to do was to ease this guy’s mind… and nothing says relax like someone tongue fucking your ear. Damn he was smooth. Hopefully it would be enough to get this guy to unwind because he sure was tense. Maybe he had been chased out by previous lover’s parent or something, and while Zeff wasn’t his dad, he was the closest he had to one. And if that wasn’t sad and shitty, then nothing was. Either way, it wasn’t as if any of the chefs cared who he banged. Probably. They were shitty nosey bastards but they had better things to do than bother to care who he was fucking. Like maybe find someone of their own to warm their bed and mind their damn business. Or work on learning how to cook.

“Sanji, someone’s on the transponder snail for you.”

His attention turned to the door that opened above them. It was the cook from earlier that wasn’t dealing with his tables and that brat he had kicked out. Why the hell he still here… that shit head had better not have been responsible for letting him back inside. The lazy bastard was gesturing to the room behind him.

“Don’t worry, we’ll pick this up later.” He said, pulling his hands back and putting them into his pockets.

He gave the man a little wink as he left. Hopefully he’d be able to see him again later.

Though as he closed the door and thought about it, he probably wasn’t going to. That was disappointing, but he couldn’t blame him. He threw up on him twice and then forgot that he couldn’t wink at people... Anyways, he might as well get the call out of the way.

  
  


“Welcome to the shitty restaurant. Reservation for how many.”

“You still answer the phone like that, you shitty Eggplant?”

“What are you doing calling?! We’re in the same building!” What the hell was he up to? Whatever it was, it was pretty damn suspicious.  If this was a hostage situation he was going to lose his fucking shit.

“You left well over half a year ago now. I knew you were stupid, but not this stupid, brat.”

What was he talking about? He never left. He was still on the Baratie. The only way that this would make sense was if that shitty old man had made him take a leave of absence for stress or some shit. And even that was weird. Especially considering that it was six months ago that he claimed that he’d left. None of that mattered though because he was in the fucking restaurant right now! The old man must be fucking with him.

“And didn’t I tell you to do one thing before you left you shitty Eggplant? One thing! You can never just do what you’re told can you…everything has to be difficult with you.  I let you go on a little vacation so you don’t have as much of a stick up your ass and here you are completely losing your shit. Don’t you even know how vacations work? God damn kid…” Zeff muttered.

“I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about. I haven’t been gone for half a year. You finally going senile on me?”

The geezer must really be losing it. But some part of him was telling him otherwise. Maybe he really had been gone for a while. Maybe not six whole months, but maybe it felt that way to the shitty old man. Ugh now he was doubting himself even though he was clearly looking at familiar worn carpet. He felt sick and his head was starting to hurt, not to mention he was concerned about the old man now…what the hell was going on? A groan escaped his lips alerting Zeff to his distress.

“Sanji, what’s the matter?” The chef grumbled with rough concern.

“I’m just...I don’t feel right… please tell me your just messing with me you shitty geezer...” the blonde sounded so weak and unsure of himself.

Zeff fought the urge to bash his head into the wall behind him and tried to remind himself that the kid was unwell, he was confused, he was an infuriating idiot…and this was for the shitty brat’s welfare.

“Ahem… maybe I am getting a little scatter-brained. I forgot I’m at port and left you in charge for the day. I’m looking into changing our wine supplier.”

The lie rolled off his tongue smoothly not betraying the irritation he felt at going along with Sanji’s frequent accusation that he was a “senile old man”. Old man his makeshift foot, he could kick that shitty brats ass the day he left home and he probably still could…50 wasn’t that old…

“ARE YOU INSANE? I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO GET THAT GUY TO DELIVER TO US ON A REGULAR SCHEDULE!” Sanji screeched into the phone inner turmoil forgotten.

Zeff sighed and tried to tune the idiot out, thoughts turning to days when he sailed the seas… a woman on each arm and no children for miles.

_______________________________

Chopper peeked around the galley door surveying the situation so as not to interrupt anything important. The sight that met his eyes was both ridiculous and concerning. Sanji stood near the benches speaking heatedly with someone whose voice he didn’t recognize. Never in all the time that he’d known him had he seen Sanji so poorly groomed. Even when the man had been recovering from a broken back he looked nothing short of immaculate, this was downright bizarre. He approached slowly, it was clear Sanji was in a state of delirium and guilt washed over the little reindeer when he took in his appearance under Zoro’s borrowed clothes. His job was to keep the crew healthy and while he had been selfishly napping his friend had clearly been suffering.

A low whistle interrupted his internal lecture. Usopp and Nami stood wide eyed in the doorway taking in the scene for the first time. Robin, who seemed unphased brushed past the little doctor and towards the increasingly wobbly blonde. She brought the back of her hand to rest against his forehead and steadied him with the other one. She ignored the man’s incoherent praises and offers of dinner on the house and turned her attention to the ship's little doctor.

“He’s very warm should he be wearing all of this?” She questioned smoothly, clearly attempting to trigger doctor mode.

It worked and Chopper quickly pulled himself together. “Of course not! We need to get him undressed and cooled down!”

Nami and Usopp made their way over to offer their assistance. The sniper set a bundle of clean clothing near the end of the bench letting Robin know it was the only comfortable clothing Sanji owned. She thanked him quietly while taking note of the fresh blanket Nami had brought along, clearly from her private stash.

“Usopp! I need you to undress him for me, these clothes are much too warm! Could you strip him down to his boxers please? And Brook I need a basin of cool water and a rag! Robin could you get me a glass of water? He’s very dehydrated.” Chopper was quick to give orders and everyone jumped into action. Sanji was unaware as he continued to argue with the older man over the transponder, who seemed to be purposely distracting him so they could work. He noticed Usopp had paused with his hands hovering over the waistband of the oblivious man’s pants.

“Hey Chopper? He won’t remember any of this when he snaps out of it will he?” Usopp asked, gears clearly turning in his head.

“Hmm? No, he won’t remember anything that’s happened since he woke up, not until I get his fever under control, It’s actually quite fascinating from a biological standpoint -” Usopp cut him off before he could get too doctory.

“Hey Nami… don’t you think it would be kind of funny if … you know… you undressed him? I mean he won’t remember any of it... I dunno, maybe it’d just be cruel-”

When he looked over at the redhead the grin on her face said all he needed to know. The funny outweighed the cruel in this case and Nami was quick to make her way over, batting Usopp's hands out of the way. After the haramaki was wrestled from him she started with Zoro’s white shirt and Sanji’s hoodie, pulling them over his head together. The movement startled the man and the receiver clattered to the floor. He swayed dangerously and grabbed at her shoulder in an attempt to remain standing but fell against her body anyways. Nami dropped the shirts in a heap in order to wrap her arms around him to keep him from sliding to the floor. She couldn’t help but notice the heat radiating from him or the pang of worry she felt when he looked up at her blearily… but then she realized how close his face was to her breasts and the fact that it was her arms holding him there. This was an awkward intimate moment. She prepared herself for the inevitable show. But it never came.

“Excuse me miss? Can I help you with something?” He asked while using her body to get himself upright.

She was speechless. Maybe a little offended.

Not so much as a drop of blood or a hint of a swoon. He continued to look at her quizzically and she still could find no words. She bent down to pick up the receiver abandoned on the floor and held it out towards him.

“There’s... someone who wants to speak with you...Mr. Sanji.”

He smiled and thanked her before greeting Zeff like it was the first time he had heard from him that day. She heard the other man sigh as he started over again.

She undid the buttons on his remaining shirts and carefully removed them making sure to take the receiver from him before sliding his arm free then gently curling his hand back around the device. He barely noticed clearly too focused on the heated debate he was involved in over produce. She hooked her fingers in the waistband of his sweats and being careful to make sure she didn’t leave him nude began to tug them down gently but was unable to coax the man into stepping out of them. She looked to Usopp who was sitting further down the bench.

“Why aren’t you doing anything? Come help me!” she hissed.

Usopp flushed at her calling him out. He had honestly felt a little useless after Nami took over his job and had given himself the task of sitting on Sanji’s clothes so they would be warm when he put them on, after all it was a daunting task of going into his crew mate’s locker to get them, but really what kind of friend would he be if he hadn’t? He searched for the most comfortable clothes in the locker, making sure that they weren’t too heavy, nor too light. It was like when he was a young boy, preparing to venture off into the densely packed jungles that one would find on the Grandline. He was just a boy, but he remembered it well. It’d be a tale that he’d be sure to share with Chopper and Luffy when things weren’t quite as serious as they were now.

Though finding them wasn’t as easy as that. Oh no. For hidden among the chef’s pants were boobie traps set by saboteurs…or at least Sanji being bad at hiding his porn. But he would not let the nefarious distraction tactic work on him. Perhaps if he were a more sexually frustrated man he would have fallen prey to it, but he was no such man. He was the Great Captain Usopp, and he had to admit Sanji’s porn tended to get a little too messed up for his taste anyways. His will was simply too strong to get a boner and he did not feel his cheeks getting red as a particularly filthy magazine fell out of the locker and open onto the floor.

There was a good chance that there’d be a really awkward conversation later as to who had been going through the chefs porn that he’d deny having at a later time when the man wasn’t crazy. But at the same time, the odds were just as great for Sanji to just stay quiet on the matter as not to out himself for having some really gross porn.

 

But long story short, Usopp had successfully managed to find the perfect sick outfit for Sanji, as the man seemed to not even be in the state of mind to dress himself properly. He’d have to remember to draw what he looked like right now because the image of Sanji looking like a fat and drunk Zoro was simply too good a chance to pass up drawing.

He was pulled from his recollections with a squeal when Nami violently twisted his nipple clearly pissed off at being ignored. He scrambled to his feet to help encourage their friend to sit on the bench near him with assistance.

They removed his pants from his ankles just as Robin entered the room with the glass of water as well as a Basin and a couple of rags. She offered the water to the now nearly nude and shivering man who, oblivious to his state of dress, accepted it graciously. He was quick to down the whole thing in one go and set the glass aside.

Chopper, who had been measuring out a fever reducer called over his shoulder “please don’t let him drink that too quickly, he’ll be thirsty but we don’t want him to make himself sick.”

Robin smiled knowingly before leaving, returning moments later with the bucket Sanji used for mopping the floor. She set it gently at his feet and Nami and Usopp cringed. The sniper retreated to his previous task of clothing warmer but Nami stepped up, taking up the task of running a damp rag over Sanji’s neck and back. Robin gently took the receiver from Sanji, who had spaced out looking slightly ill, and began speaking to Zeff quietly.

“Sanji do you want to lie down?” Nami asked slightly concerned.

He swallowed thickly and made an affirmative noise before stretching out across the bench, tucking his long legs up close to his body. Nami stayed by his feet, placing one rag across the back of his neck while using the other to wipe him down wherever she could reach. The galley was quiet aside from Zeff and Robins muted conversation about the condition of their cook. Chopper trotted back into the room a cup of something held between his hooves.

“Alright Sanji I need you to drink all of this, it should bring down your fever and help you sleep for a little while” Chopper chirped clearly trying to lift the moods of his sick crew.

“Doctor I believe you should hold off on giving him anything for the moment.” Robin spoke up first, excusing herself from her conversation and setting the receiver down on the table. She sat herself in the space in front of Sanji’s legs and began dabbing at his face with the rag Nami had left on his neck.

Chopper frowned, “No Robin we need to get this into him as soon as possi-”

He was cut off as Sanji pulled himself to the edge of the bench and wretched wetly into the bucket Robin had the sense to fetch. As the man continued to painfully empty his stomach Zeff could be heard murmuring soothing words he would not remember while Robin combed her fingers through his hair, pulling it away from his face, and Nami rubbed his back gently. Chopper whimpered clearly heartbroken about being unable to do anything to help his struggling friend.

Usopp watched the scene unfold somewhat baffled. How could he be so sick? They all had the same bug and he knew that by far he was the wimpiest member of this crew yet here was Sanji reduced to an incoherent mess in front of his ladies no less, and requiring parental intervention. Something wasn’t right. A moan from the sick man interrupted his train of thought, and he turned to watch him heave once more. He tried to distract himself from the uncomfortable scene and wondered to himself if Sanji even had enough time to get a cigarette out of his mouth before he threw up or if that was wishful thinking. The guy seemed to have zero reaction time when it came to getting sick and always had a cigarette in his face, the two situations had to come to odds eventually. It sure was strange seeing him without one for such a long stretch of time, he wondered if it was difficult for him, or if he was experiencing any withdrawal symptoms…Usopp’s eyes widened. An idea was forming in his head but he wasn’t sure if he was brave enough to voice it in front of their doctor. A harsh dry heave and subsequent whine from his friend made up his mind for him.

“Hey Chopper…. Have you noticed that Sanji has been a lot sicker since you banned him from smoking?”

The room grew quiet as everyone took a moment to consider it, the only sound was Sanji’s ragged breathing.

Zeff was the one to break the silence.

“Doctor, does my boy have some sort of lung infection? Pneumonia maybe?

Chopper was quick to answer “No! It’s just the flu the same as the rest of us! Are you questioning my diagnosis?”

“No” Zeff snarled “I’m questioning how far up your ass you have your head!”

Shocked, Chopper’s lip began to tremble not used to such harsh words directed at him. The crew tensed ready to come to his defense but Zeff wasn’t finished.

“What the hell possessed you to decide that cigarettes would make a flu worse?! He’s sick to his stomach! There’s not a damn thing the condition of his lungs has to do with how quickly he recovers from this!”

Chopper looked like he had something sour forced into his mouth. He made to defend himself but the old chef refused him the chance.

“-And don’t give me any bullshit about weakening his immune system, you said so yourself he has the flu not the fucking plague! Do you know what WOULD make flu symptoms worse?! FUCKING WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS COMPOUNDING THEM!

The little transponder snail looked positively furious and Chopper broke.

“Smoking is terrible for him and he won’t quit and he and Zoro were fighting about the smoke and Nami was complaining to Usopp about it and my tummy hurt and I just wanted to sleep but I couldn’t so I took them away!” Chopper wailed latching himself onto Usopp’s leg.

Zeff took what sounded like a calming breath before he spoke again. “Can someone please go find a cigarette and a lighter?”

Usopp pulled Chopper off his leg and stood ready to make himself useful when Brook spoke up from the kitchen startling everyone.

“I believe our dear cook keeps a spare pack in here somewhere and I’ve seen him light them with the flame from the stove top before. Just give me a moment.”

Zeff’s mutterings about abusing cooking equipment and smoking in the kitchen were cut short by a particularly loud sniffle from a particularly salty looking Chopper. He was clearly unhappy about being called out on his decision and it was probably killing him that smoking may help in this case.

“I appreciate that you’ve been taking care of my little eggplant on your voyage and I’m happy to hear that you’ve been on his case to give up that filthy habit of his, but now is not the time. I know he smokes like a chimney when he’s under stress or upset, I’m sure the same goes for when he isn’t feeling well. By all means ration them, but expecting him to give them up at a time like this would be cruel.”

Chopper looked pissed but still managed a curt “Yes sir” before bringing his attention back to his patient. Sanji was still leaned over the bucket and gagging weakly but had nothing left to bring up. Robin eased him back down holding the rag near his mouth, just in case he had it in him after all, but was focused on running her palm across his tense abdominal muscles hoping he would relax enough that they could successfully get something to stay in his stomach.

Chopper peered into the bucket examining its contents for anything alarming but was relieved to find nothing to be concerned about, just bile and the glass of water he had barely finished. He frowned as Brook entered with a lit cigarette, bringing it over to Usopp.

“I’m afraid my appearance may alarm him if he isn’t quite feeling like himself, would you give this to him? Don’t worry I can sit on his clothes so they remain warm” Brooke whispered passing the smoke to Usopp carefully.

Usopp wasn’t sure if he should mention Brook’s lack of body heat, they had been at this for a good half hour and it was starting to wear him out, could he take the skull joke? No, not right now.

“Thanks Brook, I’ll leave it to you,” Usopp traded places with the musician and moved to kneel in front of the cook. His breathing had evened out and was now laying comfortably on his side dozing lightly while the girls continued to tend to him gently running the cool rags over his feverish body. It was a good thing Sanji wasn’t aware of what was happening, Robin and Nami were basically giving him a sponge bath and honestly he had no idea what would happen if he knew. Heart failure? Probably heart failure.

Robin brushed his sweaty hair out of his face and he stirred opening hazy blue eyes to stare at Usopp.

“...The fuck are you?” he rasped.

Usopp sighed, “Don’t worry about it, you want a smoke?”

The moan he got in reply was downright sexual.

Usopp swallowed thickly. Never in all his life had someone looked at him with such lust and he was pretty sure that no one ever would. He felt his face heating up. Something was making a strange squeaking noise and it took a moment to realize it was coming from him. A deep chuckle interrupted his panic.

“Don’t worry, He makes the same noise when he’s eating a particularly well made tiramisu.”

Somehow that didn’t help the flustered sniper and the situation only got more awkward when Sanji’s tongue darted out of his mouth wetting his lips in anticipation before he raked his teeth seductively over the lower one. He was clearly ready for the still burning cigarette to be in his mouth but made no move to take it. He kept his arms tucked close to his trembling body and then Usopp realized the problem.

Sanji was cold and he wasn’t going to relinquish any of the warmth he had, not even for his vice, and with the way he was shaking he doubted he would be able to hold onto it anyways. He was eyeing the sniper up now waiting for him to make a move. He ashed the cigarette awkwardly before moving it closer to the cook’s face. The sick man tilted his head towards it, eyes burning with something that made Usopp feel weird and uncomfortable but flattered all the same. When the thin stick finally slid home between equally thin lips and Sanji’s cheeks hollowed as he sucked in deep Usopp turned red from head to toe, and the girls could no longer hold in their laughter at the ridiculous sight.

This was the moment Franky chose to enter the fray.

“Umm... should I leave?” the cyborg asked with a filthy grin.

Usopp fell back on his ass and immediately began to babble that this wasn’t what it looked like, and he was just helping a friend and he was definitely not aroused at all.

Robin Chuckled before answering “No, that’s quite alright Franky, I can assure you our sniper was just assisting our sick cook with smoking this cigarette. He’s told you himself despite appearances there’s nothing sexual going on from his end and I can assure you if our cook was feeling so inclined I would not be seated where I am.”

Franky took note that Robin was indeed sitting very close to Sanji’s junk, and Nami was squeezed between his legs and the back of the bench. Both were still tending to him delicately and that...needed to stop right now. This was dangerous territory.  He had watched this man nearly bleed to death in his sleep from a dream similar to this very scenario. If he were to come to?  Good luck explaining that one to his old man. I’m very sorry sir while we were adventuring on the Grandline he encountered two pairs of breasts close to his person and there was nothing we could do. Ya right.

“Alright, you three go rest us old people will take it from here.” Franky paused feeling a tickle near his crotch, “... and by old people I mean Brook and I, and the lovely Robin will assist us” he added hastily with a grin in her direction.

No one moved.

“Seriously guys, the smaller the crowd when he snaps out of this the better, he’s in his underwear and you’re all touching him and with the exception of Chopper its super weird.”

“But my patient...” Chopper whined.

He frowned down at the teary eyed reindeer. He took note that the little shit was turning up his adorable sad face a notch every second he held out. Was he being manipulated? That was super uncool…but it was possible the kid was genuinely getting increasingly upset…aww hell…

“Listen buddy, why don’t you tell me what I need to do and I’ll try super hard to doctor him up. I’m assuming you want him to drink that gunk you’re holding onto.” Franky asked leading their doctor to the table so he could get him to sit down and relax.

Chopper nodded with a sniffle then took a deep breath and started speaking a different language. Franky did his best to look like he was understanding but he was starting to get super sweaty. He hoped this wasn't life or death information or Sanji was doomed. He definitely knew he had to drink the gunk so he could at least score points for getting that right. He zoned back in as Chopper finished his speech with a yawn.

“I at least want to stay while he drinks this, I need to make sure he keeps it down but you should be able to handle the rest” Chopper said with a sleepy smile.

Shit, there went his points.

They made their way back to the rest of the crew, Usopp had successfully helped Sanji smoke his cigarette and was now fending off the sick man as he tried to sweet talk him into one more. That was super awkward to watch. He shifted his attention to Robin who had just successfully slipped the blondes loose pants over his hips. His chat with Usopp was momentarily forgotten as he took note of his covered lower half.

“Hey...these are really warm” he muttered happily. His eyes shifted to Brook who was still sitting on his shirt. “Mmmm...Were you sitting on these the whole time? That was really thoughtful of you, I appreciate it, thanks man.” He finished with a smile.

“No problem my friend! The pleasure was all mine Yohohohoho!”

Usopp looked positively betrayed. “But...That was-”

His sad story was interrupted as Chopper pushed passed him. “Sanji I need you to drink this slowly please.”

Sanji, who was still praising Brook for his ingenuity, turned to the doctor. They were pretty much at eye level and Chopper offered him a friendly smile. The cook reached out towards the doctor as he held out the mug towards him assuming it was what he was reaching for, but his outstretched hand bypassed the remedy to rest on Choppers head.

“What a cute dog” Sanji murmured with a stupid smile on his face.

Choppers cheeks puffed with indignation, he was ready to let loose when Franky decided to put an end to this shit show once and for all.

“Alright you three out, now. This is super out of hand so you’re all going to go and get some rest. I’ll be down to check on you as soon as we get this sorted out.” Franky flipped up his shades and gave them a look that said don’t argue with me.

The three looked at each other and then got up shuffling towards the door, one angry, one put out, and one thoroughly amused.

Brook spoke up first. “I’m going to go start piecing together dinner.”

\---------------------------------

Author's note: Since this is a really long chapter compared to my other ones, maybe take a break and stretch your legs, get a drink and or snack, do your homework, or whatever else you have been putting off for this entire fuckstravaganza. It's long and not going anywhere. This is about the halfway mark. 

\---------------------------------

As the door clicked shut a tired voice grabbed everyone’s attention.

“...What’s going on?”

All eyes snapped back to Sanji, who was rubbing his forehead, eyes glued to Franky. The large man froze not sure what to say.

“Uhh... I dealt with table twelve?”

Silence.

“Franky...what the fuck are you talking about?”

The two tired pirates left in the room breathed a sigh of relief and a deep chuckle came from the transponder snail.

“About time eggplant, we were starting to worry your brain was fried.”

“Da-ah cough cough, Damn geezer?!”

That was too close. He would take sounding like a stuttering asshole over making this whole conversation really awkward.

“Who else do you know that calls you Eggplant, boy?”

Sanji closed his eyes and and took a deep breath. He was in the galley with Franky and …Ugh his sweet Robin was here to witness this… He tried desperately to remember how he had ended up in this situation but the effort made his head throb. The last thing he remembered was being cold...he was laying on Zoro trying to absorb all the warmth he could, he had even stolen the man’s clothes, which he noticed he was no longer wearing. Someone had undressed him and he definitely didn’t remember that. Panic gripped him and he sat up too quickly immediately feeling nauseous and dizzy. A gentle hand on his face startled him. He turned and was met with Robin’s startlingly blue eyes.

“Are you going to be sick?” She asked calmly.

He stopped and thought about it. He began to shake his head no but thought better of it.

“No my dear im alright, but your concern for me makes my heart swell” he rasped, frowning at the roughness of his voice. “Umm… Robin my love, Im having trouble remembering how I got here… also um…do I have a shirt? He asked clearly embarrassed by his confusion and lack of proper attire in front of his female crewmate.

Robin smiled and handed him his shirt, which by now had lost all of the warmth Usopp had bestowed upon it.

“I’m not surprised you don’t remember, you were quite ill for the last hour. Our captain was even worried enough to make a call on your behalf” the archeologist lied smoothly, placing the receiver in his hand.

“Worried my ass, more like spitting mad. I don’t know what you did to piss off that rubber brat but he called here demanding to speak with me. Set the whole damn kitchen on edge getting a call like that out of the blue! I was damn sure when I heard his voice on the line...so damn serious… well I was sure you had gone and gotten yourself killed doing something stupid, my so- cough cough Sanji.”

Sanji even feeling as shit as he did couldn’t help cracking a smile.

“What was that last part, old man? You’re what?”

“I said your name, brat. Don’t think that damn geezer trick you tried to pull was clever. I know damn well what you were trying to say you shitty eggplant.”

“Bullshit, I said damn geezer and everyone there heard it.”

He knew there was more than just them listening in on the conversation. He could hear the calamity of dinner rush in the background as they bickered. There was a silence as that fact settled in.

“So I guess you’re in the middle of a dinner rush right now, huh.”

“It’s not that bad of one. Things have been going a lot smoother without your constant bitching.”

“Funny, sounds just as bad as ever. I’m sure when I get back all the cooks will be throwing themselves at my feet, begging me to get back to work.

“You know as well as I do that we’re understaffed. I bet the time you spent away from the restaurant has made you soft.”

“I’m sure I could find you some good crow recipes while I’m away. I’m sure you’ll be needing them.”

“I’m not making you shit boy. You’re a grown man, you want it so badly, then make it yourself.”

A door clicking shut interrupted their banter. Franky sauntered up to the couch with a mug.

Alright bro you need to drink this crud here, doctor’s orders.

Sanji eyed the offered mug sceptically.

“You’re not my doctor… what is that shit? And where is Chopper anyway?”

“Huh? Oh you pissed him off, called him a dog and tried to pet him. It was actually super funny.” Franky chuckled.

“You letting animals into your kitchen, Eggplant?”

Sanji blushed scarlet having the decency to be embarrassed. “Well I figure since you let Patti in it should be fine.” He could hear the laughing and the distant threats of a very pissed off Patti.

“I guess you got me there.” The old man chuckled.

“Before we go wasting our doctor’s hard work it may be more beneficial to have him start with some water. It would be tragic if Chopper over exerted himself remaking this remedy over and over and was unable to recover from this bug” Robin said thoughtfully.

“…”

“…”

“…”

  
  
  


“…Alright… that’s a really good point… I guess” Franky choked out trying to smooth over that last comment.

Robin produced a cool glass of water and pushed it into Sanji’s free hand. He thanked her quietly as he sipped on it and kept up a quiet conversation with his old man. Robin assured him it was no trouble while she held a cool rag to the back of his neck and smoothed his hair into something that resembled the neat way he usually kept it. The archeologist thought she was helping, offering comfort to her sick crew mate, but Franky watched as Sanji’s face grew steadily redder with every soft touch he was offered. The shipwright didn’t miss the way the blonde swallowed heavily when the hand that had been musing his hair came to rest on his forehead. Robin had obviously noticed his change in color and was checking his fever and that swallow hadn’t escaped her attention. She took the half full water glass from his hand while reaching for the still occupied bucket at her feet.

Firstly it was super cute that Robin thought that Sanji had a tell. Secondly it wasn’t often that anyone witnessed something going over her head but that was exactly what was happening and damn was he enjoying it.  Robin was a clever lady but Franky knew something she didn’t.

Sanji was absolutely fucking mortified.

Having one of his ladies witnessing him in this state of disheveled helplessness was clearly more than he could handle. The cyborg decided it was time to give the poor guy a little relief. Before Robin could bring that nasty bucket into range and cause an actual problem he intervened.

“Hey Robin, I can handle him from here, why don’t you go check on the rest of the crew? Chopper was pretty salty when he left and Usopp looked like he might need some kind of a talk” He said casually while his eyes screamed “ If you don’t stop touching him and get the hell out of here he’s gonna cry.”

She raised one delicate eyebrow before standing and setting the forgotten blanket around Sanji’s shoulders. She ignored his heartfelt apologies in favor of exchanging a polite farewell with Zeff. She picked up the bucket but rather than heading to the door she laid a hand on Franky’s arm and offered him an encouraging smile that had him questioning his own health when his stomach flopped and his face grew hot. He watched her leave in a trace with a stupid smile on his face.

“Oi, don’t look at her like that you shitty pervert.”

  
  


The shipwright rolled his eyes at the man huddled on the couch before addressing the old man.

“Hey old chef! What the hell did you do to this one to make him such a weirdo about the ladies?”

Zeff snorted an ocean away. “Don’t blame me the idiot came that way, I just couldn’t bring myself to beat it out of him, it was the only manners the kid had.”

“I’m sitting right fucking here!” Sanji snarled.

“Alright! It’s super that you’re already sitting because I seriously need you to drink this stuff now, doctor’s orders” Franky said as he offered up the still slightly warm cup.

Sanji leaned forward and with a habit born of being a chef he gave it a sniff. The shipwright startled as the blondes entire body recoiled from the offering, dropping the receiver, as one hand came up to cover his nose and mouth and his other wrapped around his middle. He turned away from the offending object gagging. Franky jerked the cup back and gave it an incredulous look before taking an experimental wiff.

What the actual fuck.

He was pretty sure this was a cup of fermented sweat. It smelled like the unfortunate rag Zoro used to towel himself off with after a work out if it had been left in a pile of Luffy’s abused gotch. The poor bastard probably couldn’t hold down a thimble of the finest wine sucked right from Nami’s navel, this shit didn’t stand a chance. He handed it off to Brook and knelt next to the nauseous cook rubbing his back roughly. Sanji continued to fight the urge to vomit while Zeff offered his own brand of encouragement.

“Take deep breaths you giant baby and try to relax, this will pass and you can get back to being a regular pain in the behind…come on now it couldn’t possibly be that bad, in through your nose out through your mouth …Oh for fuck sake if you’re going to throw up just get it over with!”

Time seemed to slow down. He felt the body next to him seize up and he knew what would come next. In a fraction of a second he assessed the situation. Robin had taken the bucket. He could not reach the abandoned water glass. He could not sacrifice the blanket. He acted on instinct. He had witnessed this very act a handful of times in his life, always a parent and their small child and it always left his skin crawling and everyone around cringing. He found himself kneeling next to Sanji, one hand firmly on the back of his neck… The other cupped under his mouth. This didn't gross him out like he thought it would. It was basically just a handful of warm slimy water. The act seemed to shock Sanji out of his fit and they both just sat together awkwardly.

“Uhh...Franky? Sanji croaked uncertainly.”

“Don't mention it bro… Really don't.”

“...but I puked in your…”

“Eyebrows, really this isn't a super topic for me.”

“Eggplant are you making a spectacle of yourself?”

“... Haven't you hung up yet?” Sanji muttered clearly embarrassed.

“ I'll hang up when I'm damn sure that you're alright you shitty kid” Zeff barked back at him.

Franky wandered back from washing his hands stealthily in the kitchen sink with a pillow snagged from the infirmary. He tossed it beside the chef and prodded him in the side until he laid down, tossing the blanket over him once he was settled.

“Alright this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna lay down and talk to your dad-”

“He's not my dad”

“I'm not his dad”

“-whatever, talk to this guy who raised you until you're feeling good enough to start sipping on this glass of water here without tossing your cookies. We're gonna forget Chopper left that goop here for ya and as long as you keep this glass of water down he doesn't need to find out about it, deal?”

“You can't tell me what to do..”

“Eggplant. Don't be a shit.”

“Fuck off.”

“Alright I'm glad we’re all on board! Do you need anything else?” Franky asked cutting the family moment short. He was surprised you hear Zeff speak up with a request.

“Do you have any ginger in your kitchen brat?

“No I don't, in fact I don't have any herbs or spices! I feed my crew nothing but stale bread” was the snarky reply.

  
  
  


“Is there anyone there who can identify fresh ginger who isn't a smart mouth?” The old man asked with exasperation.

  
  


**“...”**

 

Thirty minutes and two frazzled pirates later saw Sanji laid out on the couch, a thin slice of ginger resting under his tongue, and a nearly empty glass of water with a pretty straw held against his side. 

  
  
  


“Well, I should let you go. I have tables to tend to since your lazy ass is on vacation.”

  
  


“Fine, I guess it’s getting close to your bedtime anyways, you shitty geezer.” Though he had a feeling he was probably the one who was feeling tired.

  
  


“You take care now, Eggplant. Don’t be afraid to call home every once in awhile, not that we miss your whiny voice.”

__

 

“Worry about yourself you shitty old man, I don’t want to get any calls from Patti or Carne about you’re keeling over from a stupid flu bug or something.” 

  
  


And if his eyes weren’t already getting a little misty, the old man had to pull the biggest dick move out there.

  
  


“I love you, son.” 

  
  


Before Sanji could choke out a response, Zeff had hung up. That jerk. That shitty old man. If he weren’t so goddamn tired right now he’d call him back and chew him out for that. Who even does that? 

  
  


A hand on his forehead startled him. 

  
  


“Hey you’re almost back to being regular sick person temperature that super n- Hey bro are you crying?” Franky asked somewhat alarmed.

  
  


“Fuck off I’m not crying you need to recalibrate your eyes you dumbass cyborg.”

  
  


With that he swallowed the last of his water and turned to face the back of the couch intending to get some sleep. It seemed like everyone he encountered had lost their damn minds today. Hopefully they'd have all gone back to normal by the time he woke up. Because as it stood, he was too tired for this shit.


	17. Wednesday: After delirium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit's less fucked, congrats Strawhat Pirates.

Sanji was never one for napping in the middle of the day. He’d take one if there was absolutely no chance of him making it through until dinner was served and cleaned up without one, but most days he found he could struggle through. He usually had something better to do than just laze around on deck, because he spent a good portion of his day working in the kitchen, and what he didn’t was spent talking to his crewmates and making sure they were happy and properly fed. He wasn’t like a certain swordsman who did a good portion of his bonding with the crew by being slept on.

  
  


Though given his current circumstances he was starting to see the appeal. It was by no stretch of the imagination a bed, or anywhere near that level of comfort, but it was okay. There was just something relaxing about listening to someone’s heartbeat while feeling their chest rise and fall as they breathed. In that moment he could forget the queasy feeling in his gut, or the way his throat ached when he swallowed. He felt warm for the first time since the night before he had fallen ill and the natural calm the swordsman radiated was slowly lulling him to sleep. It wasn’t as if there was much else to do right now. There was no harm in letting himself drift off again. After the wretched day he had just been through, a little more napping seemed like just the right thing to calm his nerves.

  
  
  
  


He wasn’t sure how long he had been floating on the edge of consciousness but judging by the light it definitely hadn’t been more than an hour. As far as naps went, this wasn’t really an enjoyable one. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he was really sick, or maybe it was the fact that he was laying on someone who was sweaty to the point of being damp to the touch, not to mention said someone was as infuriating as they were clammy. Hell it could’ve been a combination of all of the above.

  
  


Fuck he just couldn’t shake this gut feeling that something was wrong. Not in the “I’m sick and this is so wrong” kind of way, but more so the fact that he just felt like there was something that was wrong with the world as he knew it. It was a familiar feeling he had experienced many a time before. Every instance occurring since he had started living on this ship.

  
  
  
  


Someone was touching his stuff.

  
  
  
  


He was just preparing to wake up and get impressively upset, ready to seek out whoever was wronging him in this very personal way... but then he remembered that it was probably Brook in his kitchen that was setting him off. That was probably it. No one was really supposed to be in the kitchen but him and the girls. They were the only ones with the combination to the padlock on the fridge. With the fridge locked shut between meals, there wasn’t really any reason for anyone to be in his kitchen ever. The pantry was locked too, but that proved to be less of a big deal, seeing as that wasn’t where the meat was kept. Knowing the main culprit, that made the pantry a lot less useful to him.

  
  


Just as he was starting to feel a well-earned headache coming on thick fingers began running through his hair setting into a relaxing rhythm. He could hear the mosshead’s unspoken message loud and clear. “Quit thinking so hard and go the fuck to sleep idiot.” He’d overlook the open show of affection this time. He was too preoccupied with his current revelation.

  
  
  
  


For the first time he could remember he didn’t feel like arguing with the man.

  
  
  
  


He just needed to relax a little. There was nothing to worry about. He’d wake up later and see that everything was at least as fine as it was before he closed his eyes. He was just making this a bigger issue than it needed to be. Though as he allowed himself to drift back to sleep, he still couldn’t manage to shake the feeling that something was happening to his stuff… and he wasn’t going to like it.

  
  


______________

 

He awoke a couple hours later to a commotion on deck. That was never good. Especially since one of the main voices he heard was Luffy’s. This could be nothing but bad news. He hesitantly opened an eye to see just how bad this all actually was.

  
  
  
  


And how bad it was, was simply horrifying.

  
  
  


How could they even let this happen?

 

Why wasn’t anyone stopping him?! 

  
  


Their captain was running around the deck with an armful of his ties. One of them was already tied around his head like a shitty headband and nowhere near properly. It was already drenched in sweat, as were the jackass’s shorts, which were the only piece of clothing left clinging to his body, and they were askew as if there had been an attempt to tear those off too. Whatever had happened, he was glad he had missed the whole ordeal.

  
  
  


Who even put it on him? Had he done that himself? Because that was clearly the wrong way to tie it and he already look like enough of a jackass without having a tie on his head like a moron.

  
  


Right now he was watching as Luffy hand-picked ties for their other crewmates on the deck. Why was no one stopping him? They could easily put an end to this. He was sick and it wouldn’t be that hard to enforce some sort of punishment. Though he couldn’t really blame them, he didn’t really want to deliver any kind of blow to the guy either. Their captain didn’t really need an extra provocation to throw up. He really jinxed it when he thought the rubber man couldn’t getting any grosser.

  
  
  


“Hey. What the hell are you doing with my ties, shit head? Who the fuck even let you touch them?” He rasped, clearly pissed off about it. 

  
  
  


Luffy glanced over at his cook, looking equally stupid from the front as he did from the back. He looked momentarily surprised to see the blonde was awake before a smile lit up his face. It only lasted a second before a look he could not identify clouded his captain’s features and they settled into an indifferent expression. Sanji would assume incorrectly that the emotional roller coaster he had just witnessed was a reaction to being caught red handed messing with his shit.

  
  


“Well Zoro wouldn’t let me borrow his bandana to keep my hair out of my face cause I’m too hot and then he said that your ties would work and he was right! Then I decided that everyone should have one. I already decided that you should have the one with all the fish because the All Blue has all the fish and when I think of the All Blue I think of you.” He beamed unable to hold onto his hurt feelings and the cheerful tie at the same time. Luffy would never know he had received that tie as a gift from Zeff with much of the same sentiment.

  
  


He was a little touched by the thought, but at the same time he couldn’t help but still be pissed off that his stuff was being manhandled and that it was the mosshead’s idea. For once he felt like this wasn’t entirely Luffy’s fault. He was just like a dumb kid mixed up in an ongoing battle that wasn’t his own. Seeing as he was in the perfect position, he elbowed Zoro right in the groin. Usually he didn’t fight dirty like that, but considering that he was the one who had encouraged this, he had it coming. Hearing a pained grunt like that come from the swordsman was a little satisfying. It was definitely worth the gentle flick in the face he received in retaliation. It wasn’t much, but he assumed that this was the mosshead admitting that letting Luffy do this was a shitty move.

  
  
  


“As much as that sounds nice, I think that the mosshead’s bandana would work way better for that, don’t you think?” He could feel the disapproval radiating off Zoro. It was completely worth it.

  
  
  


“Yeah, but you barfed on it so I couldn’t use it anyways.” Luffy shrugged, going back to trying to pass out the perfect tie to everyone. 

  
  


Everyone seemed to just tolerate it. Usopp mouthed a “sorry” in his direction while Luffy was distracted with looking for the right tie for him. While this was going on, Sanji was completely mortified at the thought that he done such a thing while he was asleep. The women were on the deck, so they had to have seen it happen. How could he have done such a horrible gruesome thing in front of such pure angels like them?! 

  
  
  
  


And why the hell couldn’t he remember it?!?!

  
  
  
  


But while there was that, there was also the fact that Zoro didn’t reek of vomit. Nor did he smell of body odor like he normally did. He actually smelled like a human being and not an animal. When did this happen? Because he was certain he remembered him smelling like his disgusting self when he had fallen asleep before lunch.

  
  
  
  


“How the hell did you manage to have a bath and I didn’t notice...and why?” He asked Zoro in a hushed whisper, not really wanting to confirm what he was beginning to think had happened.

  
  
  


“Uh…” Zoro’s brain stalled. He knew he wasn’t supposed to bring up the “situation” but he hadn’t prepared a lie… fuck the guy had been asleep for at least three hours.

  
  
  


“Zoro?” 

  
  
  


“You got sick.”

  
  
  


“Ya Luffy helpfully pointed that out already” Sanji growled turning red from embarrassment.

  
  
  


“You asked shit cook what the hell do you want from me? You got sick in your sleep, you were sleeping on me, and even your fever addled brain can piece that one together.” 

  
  


Zoro was frustrated to say the least. Lying was Usopp’s thing not his, but as he watched the cook slowly wilting from the shame of what he thought he had done he started to feel like an asshole. Something about Sanji’s slumped shoulders and palpable misery made his chest ache and he found himself understanding why Usopp’s lies always seemed to flow more easily when he was trying to cheer someone up.

  
  
  


This was going to sting.

  
  
  


“It was my fault okay? I needed to get up but you were asleep so I tried to shake you awake. I should have known better. You got sick because I was impatient. You were out cold so Franky changed your clothes and cleaned up while I took a quick shower. It’s not a big deal so don’t worry about it. I don’t even think anyone but Franky and Luffy noticed.” He held his breath and watched the blond for any signs that the lie wasn’t going to stick.

  
  
  


“What the fuck Marimo, I should have known this was all your fault.” Sanji sighed, clearly relieved.

  
  
  


“Whatever.” Zoro grumbled.

  
  
  


Trying to forget the horror of that conversation the chef looked back to the nightmare that was Luffy passing out his ties to everyone, it seemed that Usopp, Chopper, and Nami all had ties poorly tied on them by their childish captain. They all look ridiculous and he had no idea why Chopper had been given one other than the fact that he needed to be included in this mess. Now the captain had moved on to Robin and was looking through his armful of ties for one suited just for her, even if she wasn’t even sick anymore.

  
  
  


A mouth bloomed next to him on the rail. Hopefully Robin would be on his side in all this.

  
  
  


“Don’t worry, Sanji. As soon as Luffy falls back asleep, we’re going to put back your ties. I’m trying to find him clips to keep his hair back as we speak.” She reassured. He looked around for an ear nearby. He looked over at the blessing of a woman who was presently getting one of his pink ties tied around the top of her head. She gave him a reassuring smile and he gave her a weak thumbs up.

  
  


With the archeologist done, Luffy came over to finish the job, fish tie at the ready along with one in a horrendously familiar shade of green he must have bought while drunk. He sat down in front of the pair and got ready to fancy them up starting with his cook. Sanji gave a resigned sigh. This was going to happen with or without him.

  
  
  
“Before you put it on me, at least let me fix yours so you look like less of a jackass.”


	18. Wednesday: Early Evening

With only three members of the crew healthy and able to work, things were stressful. It was just an hour after dinner… nearly five long hours since Sanji’s episode… and damn… was it slow going.

Out of all of them, Robin was the most on the ball. Franky was super glad that she was feeling better. She had eyes and ears everywhere on the ship and he really couldn’t be happier about that. They could definitely use as much help as they could get. Almost everyone who was sick was a pain in the ass to take care of. Even now he could see from the corner of his eye Sanji trying to sneak off to most likely check on his kitchen. At least he tried to be sneaky about it. He’d give him that much.

“Hey, Sanji. Sit your ass back down! Your kitchen isn’t going anywhere, I’m pretty sure Brook can handle it. Reheating soup isn’t that complicated.” He reminded, giving him a threatening look. Hopefully he still remembered how embarrassing it was to be carried back to the boys’ cabin like a sack of potatoes over his super manly shoulder and didn’t need a reminder as to how willing the cyborg was to do it again.

 

“I’m just going to get a glass of water. Aren’t I supposed to be staying hydrated or something? Since I’m going anyways, might as well bring everyone else out something to drink.” Sanji said, ignoring the firm look being sent his way.

 

“Sanji! You’re still sick! Sit back down! I can go get the water!” Chopper offered, getting out of his blanket, instantly looking like he regretted the decision. Usopp didn’t look too thrilled about it either.

 

“Chopper you’re both still sick. So both of you stay put, and I’ll get the water. That means you too, Zoro.” He said, pointing to the swordsman, who now free from Sanji’s meager weight was once again making his way over to the crow’s nest for what had to be the third time in less than an hour. Every time he took his eyes off him, he seemed to try and leave to go to the crow’s nest to train. At least Sanji had the decency to try and sneak. Zoro didn’t have any sort of shame in disobeying their tiny doctor’s orders. 

 

Surprisingly it was a lot harder to manage the two apart than it was when they were together. The two bickering children had suffered a blow out during dinner when Zoro had tried to rouse a cranky Sanji so he could eat something. The cook had staunchly refused claiming he was absolutely too nauseated to hold anything down and had told Zoro to eat his meal so it would not go to waste before nestling back into the swordsman’s side. This had led to a pathetic wrestling match that ended with half a bowl of soup down Sanji’s throat, the other half down Zoro’s shirt, and soon after half a bowl of soup and nearly a full glass of water over the side of the ship. As soon as he had recovered Sanji had put Zoro in a “time out” by moving himself down the rail to curl up miserably against the other wall.

With some grumbling everyone reverted back to their places that they had claimed. Chopper returned to his cuddly blanket pile that was him, Usopp, and Nami. Sanji and Zoro both went back to their separate corners on either side of the rail, in an attempt to stay as far away from each other as possible, and that left Luffy in the middle of the two, sprawled out as far as he could while quietly keeping his consistent whine going in an attempt to lure someone over there so he could cling to them. That was a position that no one wanted. Luffy was easily the last person anyone wanted to be near right now.

Though that quickly escalated into a groan of annoyance as he rolled onto his stomach…then to his back…then to his stomach eventually ending up in the middle of the grassy deck. It looked like it was time to play another round of bored barf boy. Super. It wasn’t so much a question of what they were going to play, it was more how long it would take before he threw up and went back to whining and being generally pathetic, which he could honestly say, he really wasn’t looking forward to.

He’d almost rather his life was in peril, because then at least he’d have some sort of normalcy in his day. A bored and irritating Luffy was an acceptable target for a good old ass kicking if he got too out of hand. Beating up a sick Luffy would probably be like kicking a puppy. A sad pathetic puppy that was consistently barfing on everything.

“I’m booooooooooorrrrred. There’s nothing to dooooooooooo.” He whined, feet flailing slightly to prove his point as to just how bored he really was. As if his drawn out vowels weren’t enough to tell everyone just how serious this was.

“Well our options are kinda limited, bro. Not like anyone’s up to doing much right now.” Franky pointed out. Though that didn’t seem like an acceptable answer to the rubber man, as that just earned an annoyed groan from him.

“Stupid flu. I can’t even kick its ass. This is dumb.” Luffy said, arms crossing over his chest childishly.

This man was their captain. A man with a three hundred million beri bounty on his head, who was presently sulking because he couldn’t solve illness with physical violence. Out of their entire crew that included a talking reindeer as a doctor, a cyborg as a shipwright, a skeleton musician, and a man who could literally set himself on fire with nothing but raw passion as their cook, somehow Luffy was always going to be the most baffling.

While reflecting on his crewmates he failed to notice that the captain had gotten up and started walking towards him. The main question running through his mind was “Why was he being tortured like this?” He did nothing to deserve this fate. Yet here he was. Just one fantastic man against a germy world. The only one standing between his dumb crewmates and a slow and stupid death.

Actually Nami and Usopp would probably be okay.

This week was just really super fuckin lame so far.

“Franky! Play tag with me! You’re feeling fine so-” Just as the kid turned green a feminine hand slapped over Luffy’s mouth as more sprouted from the deck pushing him away from the shipwright to the edge to lean over the rail. Robin had just saved him from a seriously gross vomit encounter…not that he hadn’t been through several today, his close save with Sanji coming to mind as well as the feeling of his favorite shirt clinging wetly to his back. Honestly one more and he might’ve thrown up himself. Robin was a real godsend. There weren’t even words to describe how glad he was to see her smiling across the deck right now.

Once again, Luffy reverted back to his whiny, pathetic state. Franky really couldn’t blame Sanji as he stood shakily, avoiding the captains grabby hands, to return begrudgingly to his original spot next to the grumpy swordsman. Robin had thrown Luffy close enough to the cook that he was in range for attempted clinging. Sanji and Zoro fought more than anyone that he knew so their ability to set aside their differences and coexist was appreciated… but no one asked Zoro to tolerate Sanji sprawled across his body. What a couple of nerds, but it was super interesting to watch the subtle ways they comforted each other. The way Zoro gently massaged the base of Sanji’s skull when he started to get whiny, or how Sanji’s hand traveled to Zoro’s abdomen to rub gentle circles whenever he started looking a little greener than usual. Hah. Neat.

He fought back a smile as he watched graceful hands blooming from the kitchen, passing down glasses of water for everyone on deck. He fought back a snort when Luffy caught his eye, glaring at the innocent glass of boring water like he could scare it into being a glass of meat. He had to chuckle at the sight of an agitated swordsman trying to get the cook to quit feigning sleep and “drink this fucking water before I dump it on your crotch”.

Damn he loved these idiots…but time to get back to work.

He needed to find a way to deal with Luffy more effectively. He knew that as soon as this wave of sickness rolled off of him, he’d be running around until the next one hit. And then he’d have to deal with that, because he couldn’t make Robin go it alone. He could probably make something that could solve this problem so they wouldn’t have to go so far as shoving Luffy’s head through the spokes of the rail and leaving him there until he was healthy.

 

“Hey, Robin. Would you mind holding down the fort for a bit? I’m going to see if I can solve some of our problems.” He subtly gestured at Luffy, who must’ve noticed because he moaned and whined louder for a brief few seconds before quieting back down.

“Of course.” She agreed. She was such a blessing. Words could not describe how glad he was that Chopper made her rest before she actually got sick. If only they had been more attentive with the rest of the crew then maybe they could’ve stopped this hell from arising in the first place. But if ifs and buts were candies and nuts, then it’d be a super merry Christmas. There was no use dwelling on that stuff.

“Thanks so much.” He said before retiring to his workshop below deck.

There had to be something that he could create to deal with the whole Luffy situation. Step one he’d need to make a bucket. Step two would naturally be to find a way to make sure that it stayed on him so he wouldn’t leave it somewhere and render it useless. He’d start with a bucket and go from there.

In no time at all he had a basic bucket. It had a thin metal handle while the rest was made from some plastic that was just lying around. It wasn’t his best work, but the rest of the crew was sure to disagree considering its purpose. So long as it didn’t leak, it could be considered a masterpiece, although the colour still bothered him a little. It was a steely shade of blue. If he were to choose, it’d be a super shade of blue like his hair, not this one. It was just so… bland.

But now came the hard part. How was he going to make sure that it stayed attached to Luffy, or at least near him at all times?

Maybe he could make a tiny robot that attached to the bottom of the bucket and rolled around with him? He’d have to give it an AI system and program it, and as cool as that was it would take some time, and he felt guilty about leaving Robin up there in the chaos by herself. Brook was probably still stuck in the kitchen doing dinner dishes no doubt and honestly would probably add to the chaos. His intentions were good but the guy sure knew how to get Luffy riled up. 

 

With the cool robot out of the question (for now) he would have to think of a way to get his captain to carry this thing around. He was just drawing up a design for a harness that would hold the bucket on his captain’s chest while also doubling as a point where a rope could be secured in case they gave up and just strapped him to the front of the Sunny when someone tapped him on the shoulder. He looked over at the hand sprouting out of his back. Did Robin need his help already? Did things go to shit that quickly? He got up, and a trail of hands took the bucket, passing it down the line. Naturally, he followed it.

Once on deck, he watched the bucket head straight to Luffy. Did Robin figure out how to solve their problem? He looked over and she smiled back at him. She briefly removed the captain’s hat with a bloomed hand, and then slid the bucket handle over his head, letting it dangle around his neck like the ugliest necklace he had ever seen. Everyone seemed to try and hold back their giggles, out of fear he’d just take it off and they’d be back to square one. But once his hat was back on, Luffy didn’t even seem to care. He had simply accepted his fate. This bucket was part of his immediate future, so he might as well get used to it.

His mind wandered back to the conversation with Zeff, which he was beginning to think had been eavesdropped on, because the old man had mentioned trying this with a young Sanji but to no avail. At least sick Luffy was agreeable enough to just accept these things and not even bother fighting them. It was a little sad to watch their brave leader reduced to a noodle like state, wrapped in a blanket with a bucket hanging around his neck, but it was something that was necessary in their current situation. He was sure he’d have to deal with complaints later, but for now he could at least rest easy as Robin sat their limp noodle of a captain upright. Hopefully he’d have more time to actually keep them out of trouble now that his clean up problem was halved.

Why did this have to be such a super pain in the ass?


	19. Wednesday: Bedtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Nothing can possibly go wrong.
> 
>  
> 
> *(apart from everything)

Nightfall soon came, and sleeping arrangements had to be made. If they didn’t have a plan they weren’t going to make it through the night. Luckily he had decided on a sort of in a few moments of downtime he had gained when everyone had been miraculously asleep for a solid beautiful twenty minutes… That and he may have fibbed about having to poop.

It was the kind of problem that reminded him of that riddle with the grain, chicken, and the fox. Except this one was a lot stupider than that as instead of something being eaten, it was listening to someone bitch all night or have to scrape puke off something or someone.

Usopp and Chopper were the easiest. Chopper was small, so he could easily share a bunk with Usopp. Usopp was a pretty agreeable guy and in his experience in napping on deck with him, he was a fine person to bunk with. Zoro could just have a bed to himself and be alright, but that still left Luffy and Sanji. Neither of them could even tell in the slightest if they were going to blow chunks until a split second before it happened. Hell, he was pretty sure Luffy was caught just as off guard as everyone else.

So that meant he had to think of a way to keep the mess to a minimum. Or at least make clean up a little easier. He was really glad that there was that little lull where he could think this out and not have to worry about anyone doing something they weren’t supposed to. Because he was drawing a blank. And as gross as cleaning puke off the deck was it was easy in the sense that it was simply rinsed into the sea with a bucket of water and then disinfected. Removing puke from their sleeping quarters would be so much worse and that was really something he wanted to avoid as much as possible. This was why he had everyone out here to begin with.

He had decided to make a stop below deck so he could try and work out the details with what he had on hand in his workshop. Maybe there was even enough time to build something quick and simple. His eyes scanned over all of the materials he had out, before he checked in the drawers by his workbench.

Laying down papers had come to mind, but it also brought up an inevitable argument that would keep everyone up late and have Sanji and Zoro at each other’s throats long after it stopped being funny for everyone else.

Naturally Luffy would sleep on it no problem, but he knew that Sanji would complain that he wasn’t a dog being house broken.

Zoro would make a snide comment about him being a dog.

Sanji would spit something nasty back.

Usopp would try to diffuse the situation with a story.

…and then a fight would break out and it wouldn’t be a good time.

Then he thought about how bad an idea papers were anyway because that would be a lot of wasted paper in order to cover a space for two grown men to sleep and hurl. So that option was pretty well a bust. He’d keep looking.

But it seemed what he was looking for had found him instead. He had moved a tool box, and it knocked loose a tarp he used for unveiling his inventions. It was waterproof, so that meant it was puke proof too. That’d work just fine. Sanji would bitch about it, but there was a lot worse things to sleep on. The floor on a tarp might not have been the most glamorous place to bunk, especially if the two of them were no doubt going to hurl in their sleep. But sometimes you just gotta tough it out and deal with the consequences of being a grown man with no control over his bodily functions.

And he was certainly right about Sanji’s bitching. When they were all shuffling into the men’s cabin for the night, Sanji stopped dead in the doorway, staring at the tarp that laid in the corner.

He was quiet for a second, before turning to Franky with the least amused expression he had ever seen in his life.

“Franky… What the fuck is a tarp doing in our sleeping quarters?”

“Well, since almost everyone’s sick, we’re going to have to change up the sleeping arrangements for a bit. Since neither you nor Luffy can manage to not puke on our world, you two are sleeping there until you both aren’t re-serving lunch at the drop of a hat.”

He had given the pair blankets and pillows at least. Blankets and pillows that would probably end up tossed out because they’d be too gross by the end of this, but he still offered them.

Luffy took it in stride, not even thinking twice about it. He simply claimed one of the blankets and pillows as his own, mumbled a “night”, and was sound asleep within moments. It was almost scary how fast that kid could fall asleep, but at least he was one less person to worry about. He just had to make sure that he didn’t drown in his own puke. All that was required was to roll him onto his side and he’d probably stay that way all night.

“Usopp and Chopper can take Sanji’s bunk since he’s going to be sleeping on the tarp with Luffy, and Zoro can stay in his bunk.” Franky instructed. Everyone started towards their bunks to get ready for sleep, except Sanji, who was not in the slightest bit pleased with any of this.

“Why the hell am I the one stuck with Luffy?! And why the hell do they get to sleep in actual beds?!” Sanji demanded, practically stamping his foot like a child who wasn’t getting his way.

“Because we do this thing where we wake up when we’re going to be sick.” Zoro taunted.

“YOU WANNA GO MOSS HEAD?! I’LL KICK YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW!”

“Neither of you are fighting. Just go to sleep. It’s not like you weren’t sleeping on the deck earlier today. This isn’t that different, except you have an actual pillow this time.” This was clearly not enough to calm down Sanji. He still seemed super livid.

“There are beds right there! Why do I have to sleep on the floor like some sort of animal?!”

“Well,we could all just sleep in our normal bunks, and you can have the bunk under Luffy like you would have had. That better?” Franky asked with a tired sigh.

“No! What’s wrong with you! He’s spent the entire day throwing up on everything! Why would I want to sleep in the bunk under his?!”

“As soon as you can manage to not barf on everything either, you can sleep in an actual bed. It’s easier to clean up this way.”

Sanji pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath before pointing at his already sleeping captain. “I’ll sleep there but he needs to put his fucking clothes back on.”

Franky furrowed his eyebrows and looked back to his peacefully sleeping captain…who sure as shit had wiggled out of his clothes while they had been arguing and was now stark fucking naked with his blanket thrown over his face. Such a modest bastard.

After a kerfuffle that involved wrestling a whining and sleepy Luffy back into his pants, everyone settled down for bed, Sanji glaring at everyone as he did so. He was thankful Sanji managed to settle down at all but it seemed the fight had left him and he was too tired for dignity. The shipwright briefly considered trying to slip a bucket around his neck while he was docile but thought better of it.

He watched as the blonde fidgeted and eventually did find a position where he could minimize the amount of puke that could get on him. He had curled up facing the wall with his arms wrapped protectively around him and his blanket tucked around his body. It looked like he was trying to keep himself from rolling over in his sleep and towards his cuddly bedmate. Luffy wouldn’t really care either way.

He was really looking forward to getting some sleep. Today had been a long day and sleep would be great. He wouldn’t have to deal with vomit until morning. He was going to have a super great sleep tonight.

__________

Franky was having a super dream. A super inappropriate dream. And he super didn’t want to wake up but that’s what was happening.

“Hehehe…Robin what has gotten into you? The cyborg muttered sleepily as he cracked open an eye. Reality slowly drifted back to him and he realized he was not in fact in a sexy scenario that involved his workbench and a gorgeous woman but stuck in the boy’s cabin with a bunch of sick idiots.

“mmmmmmmmmmm……”

He slid his eyes to the corner where someone else seemed to be having a dirty dream. He chuckled to himself. That guy never stopped surprising him with the situations he could have a sexy dream in. half dead, hurricane, and he could now add sick as a dog to that list. Oh to be young and a pervert.

“mmmmmmmm…ughh…”

That didn’t sound so sexy. Uh-oh.

Deciding it would be worth the effort to check on him Franky rolled out of bed and scratched his bare ass. He made his way over to the tarp and took in the scene. He turned around and tried to muffle his amusement. This was too much. He couldn’t deal with this. He took a few breaths to try and calm himself, to try and remember why he had come to investigate in the first place. That’s right, Sanji was possibly going to be sick, and it may have had something to do with the view.

Luffy had taken his pants off again in his sleep and was stark naked on the tarp, and lying well within Sanji’s personal bubble. To make matters worse/hilarious Luffy had flopped around enough that his privates were level with the cook’s face. He choked down another snort. Alright time to adult. He knelt next to the blonde and checked his temperature to make sure he wasn’t waking a crazy man. He grabbed a nearby bucket and shook him gently.

When Sanji’s eyes fluttered open and he was not immediately thrown up on he smiled and began to speak quietly. “Hey bro you ok? You were making some weird noises in your sleep, just making sure you’re not gonna launch a surprise attack on me in your-

 

“OH MY GOD FRANKY GET THAT OUT OF MY FACE!” Sanji screeched rolling over and covering his eyes.

Franky looked down at his man hammer with a frown. He wasn’t sure what the problem was, they’d all seen each other’s screwdrivers at one point or another and it would take more than a walk from one end of the room to the other to warrant clothing.

He was just getting ready to lecture his oddly eye browed friend about not yelling at a man’s jewels when another shriek erupted from the guy.

Oh. Luffy.

“I’M TOO SICK TO DEAL WITH ALL THESE DICKS IN MY FACE!”

Snorted laughter could be heard from their captive audience clearly woken by the cooks temper. Franky could only imagine how fantastic this looked from behind, and not just because they were looking at his behind. OW!

Sanji had pressed himself into the corner and had his head between his knees muttering about being too comfortable with each other.

Franky ruffled his hair affectionately before pushing the bucket into his hands. “Why don’t you hold onto that for a bit and I’ll get Luffy’s pants back on. I’ll even get him a belt. He made his way to the lockers pulling out their captains well played with belt. As he got the kid roped back into his pants Sanji sat quietly bucket between his knees but sipping on a glass of water that had been nearby.

“You sure you’re not gonna be sick bro? You were making some pretty painful noises.” Franky asked with concern. His concern melted into confusion when the cook turned a lovely shade of scarlet.

“M-fine. Was just having a dream…didn’t end well.” Sanji mumbled.

Franky felt something protective was over him. “Did you have a nightmare? Do you want to talk about it?

 

Sanji was starting to look a lovely shade of mortified. “No Franky I’m okay it wasn’t a nightmare… it’s just not the kind of dream I want to talk about…especially when you have no pants on.”

….

Franky gave him a wicked smile. So he had it right the first time after all.

“Are you even getting shut down in your dreams eyebrows?”

“Oh fuck off…”

Franky ruffled his hair one last time before giving the groaning cook one last good look at his toolbox. “Get some sleep and try to hold down that water.”

 

An affirmative noise was all he got as he crawled back into his bunk. He fell asleep with a smile on his face. Now he was definitely going to get some sleep.

__________

Roughly two hours into his hard earned rest Franky was startled awake by a shrill scream and a thud. It sounded close, was something going on in the girls cabin or out on deck? Robin would have woken him if anything serious had happened and Brook would have alerted them if they were under attack. He had to go check it out, it had to be something super bad and super serious if the girls were shrieking like that.

He jumped up and into his discarded speedo ready to run straight to the girls’ cabin. He barely had his boys tucked away when movement in the corner caught his eye. He stopped dead when he saw the true cause of the noise in the dim light of the boy’s cabin.

Well this was certainly a problem.

Sanji was standing rigidly in the middle of the tarp with his right arm held as far from his body as it could be. Luffy sat dumbly a couple feet away from the man looking not quite awake. There was a puddle between them and… oh. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what had happened here. Now that he was awake, he could tell there were words in the screaming. It was nothing but variations of “Luffy, oh my god, what the hell” but it was indeed words in the mess.

Looking around, it seemed that everyone was awake and watching the scene with curiosity, so he muttered a warning before he turned on the lights so they could properly work this out. There was the moment of blindness, but the only one who seemed to still be dazed after was Luffy. He was the only one who was still almost completely out of it despite the screaming that was no doubt almost directly in his ear, and even remained in his semi-conscious state after a rough kick to the head.

In fact, despite being the guy who caused the whole fucking mess, Luffy seemed to be the only one who didn’t know what had happened. Instead he was looking around Sanji’s feet and mumbling something about a spider. To be fair, it did sound a lot like Sanji’s spider scream, and considering how his eyes were barely open, he could understand how he hadn’t taken in all of his vomit covered surroundings.

That and it was Luffy after all.

Sanji weakly kicked at the space around him that Luffy was trying to occupy while clumsily searching for the source of his friends distress. Said friend had his nose buried in the crook of his left arm in a desperate attempt to block out the smell. His eyes locked on Franky, and he could feel the rage burning in the cook all directed on him. He would probably be getting his ass kicked had the cook not been busy alternating between gagging and screaming.

“FRANKY YOU BETTER FUCK- FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS! THAT SHIT HEAD HURLED ON MY ARM! ON! MY! -ARM!”

This was gonna be a super delicate task trying to calm him down and delicate was not his forte. This was already super out of hand. Luffy had gotten to his feet and finally discovering the problem was trying to help out by wiping it off his affected arm. “OH MY GOD LUFFY STOP! YOU- YOU’RE SMEARING IT IN OH- MY GOD!”

“Hey cook, don’t hold your arm too high or it’ll drip into your armpit, it must still be warm too...” Zoro snarked lazily from his bunk.

That was enough mental stimulation to make the cook heave. At least Luffy had the sense to flop back onto his ass to avoid the new mess. Great, there wasn’t enough vomit in here right now as it was. Of course they needed more. At least they were both still on the tarp.

“Zoro, if you weren’t sick I’d make you clean this up. You’re super lucky you not feelin good bro.” Franky muttered clearly irritated.

“Zoro... give m- me one of your swords....I’m going t- to cut off my arm.” Sanji choked out hoarsely.

“I’ll do it as soon as you can say it without gagging.” Zoro snorted, before he rolled over intending to go back to sleep.

Seeing Zoro was finished antagonizing everyone involved Usopp and Chopper had curled back up in their bunk since the show was over.

“Alright, this is what we’re going to do. You two are going to strip down, and then you’re both having a bath while I clean this up.” Franky hung his head while rubbing his eyes...maybe this was a lame dream and everything would be fine when he looked up.

Nope. Sanji stared at him obstinately, and Luffy had flopped back down intending to sleep amongst the mess.

“I’m not taking a bath with that shit head.”

“It’ll be faster that way bro.”

“I don’t care. The fucker already barfed on me I’m not gonna babysit him while he does it again.

“Yeah, join the damn club...listen, if you don’t do it, then I’m going to have to be there to make sure he doesn’t fall back asleep and drown. ”

  
  


“Good, then do it. I feel enough like shit without this shitty bastard barfing on me again. You’re the one who stuck him next to him. He’s your problem now. I’ll find somewhere else to sleep.” The cook growled, throwing off his shirt and storming toward the bathroom.

Franky watched him go with resignation. The next morning- correction, in a few hours he would play a rousing game of which room on the ship did Sanji throw up in, but for now this was his hell. He stood in the room that was silent aside from the chorus of snores, and looked down at his captain who was sprawled out on the tarp. He would bathe him first and pray nothing came out of him during his attempt to clean the tarp. When he found the giant piece of plastic it had been such a perfect solution. Now with the daunting task of hosing the damn thing off in the middle of the night...it was just a super pain in the ass.


	20. Thursday: Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We made it through the night, kiddos.

Never before had he been so pleased that one of his crewmates was dead. Brook didn’t need to sleep, so he took the night watch to give Robin and himself a chance to rest. Normally they’d all rotate who had to do the chore, so Brook could enjoy a nice night’s sleep for the sake of sleeping, and so it didn’t feel like they were lumping all the unpleasant jobs on one crew mate.

Though Brook went above and beyond what he had to do this morning, Franky had woken up to all of the previous days nasty laundry neatly folded on the table, plus Sanji’s elusive comfortable outfit that had eaten it at around 3 o’clock in the morning .  He even had some toast prepared for a late breakfast by the time everyone started waking up. Though no one actually went into the kitchen to eat. Everyone woke up and went back to their spots. Sanji would have lost his mind if someone threw up in his kitchen again. That meant they were going to spend another day out on the deck.

“I can’t thank you enough, Brook. I know you really don’t need to sleep, but I also know that you like to.” Franky said, helping the skeleton in the kitchen with the drinks.

“Well I do have dark circles under my eyes because of it. Ah… I don’t have eyes, or skin! Skull joke! Yohohohohoho!” He jested, in an attempt to lighten the mood a bit. “But really, you should be sure to take care of yourself. You look like you’re stretched a little thin. You’re the one who has been making sure that everyone is taken care of, and it’s not a simple task.”

“I’ll take it easy when this is all over. Right now that’s not really an option.” Franky shrugged before taking the tray and making his way to the door.

“Alright. But just remember, that you are allowed to take a break. There’s no shame in that.” Brook chided one last time as he turned to clean the counter.

A smirk crossed they cyborg’s lips.

“Same could be said to you. I mean you’re working yourself to the bone in here.”

“Was that a skull joke?”

“Damn right it was.” The two chortled about it as Franky walked out and onto the deck.

Everyone was in their usual spots, so drink distribution wasn’t all that hard. He just did a circle around the first level of the deck and gave everyone their cups. Really the only outstanding thing that could be mentioned was the fact that Sanji and Zoro were already trying to share warmth. Or rather, Sanji was trying to steal warmth from the grumpy swordsman who looked like he might be melting. It had taken a good amount of time for the cook to work his way into Zoro’s personal bubble the previous day. Maybe he was making progress on a personal level, or maybe this flu had kicked his ass past the point of maintaining his super manly image.

 

For the sake of everyone’s peace, he wouldn’t mention it, even though Sanji and Zoro were being so public with affection and just cuddling on the deck for all to see. Besides, it would be kind of a dick move to point out how coupley they looked at the moment. He’d let the pair tell the crew when they were good and ready. Even if it was already painfully obvious to everyone on board.

Now he just had to find Luffy and Robin. But Luffy being missing just made him feel uneasy. Because bucket or not, that meant that he was off making a mess somewhere, or he was falling off something into the ocean. Hopefully Sanji knew. He was the closest to his last known location so he must’ve noticed the whining had ceased at some point. He was just heading over to question the man but then it seemed as if he wouldn’t have to worry about it as Luffy spoke up from where he was hiding.

“Oh! It’s Franky’s panties, right!?” Luffy asked Robin, who was sitting on the steps opposite the stairs he was going down.

“No, it’s much closer to you than those.” She giggled lightly. It seemed as though everyone on deck was thoroughly annoyed by his guessing.

“Hmmmm…. Oh! Oh! Is it my shirt?!”

“Why yes it is.”

“Yeah! Okay okay! I spy with my little eye… something that is…” He watched as his captain looked around the deck, before settling his gaze right at him and smiling. He really had the worst tell out of everyone by far.

“Blue.”

“Is it Franky’s hair?”

“Yeah! How’d you get so good at this game, Robin?”

“Well that’s a secret, now isn’t it? Now I spy with my little eye, something that is green.” The woman specified without looking away from her captain’s face.

Oh, she was good. She was offering things from memory, what a smooth lady. He turned his attention back to his already sweaty captain. It was rare he saw Luffy concentrating this hard on anything. It was a little amusing to watch, but he could only imagine how long that was going to last.

“Okay, stop me when I get it.” This didn’t sound like it was going to end well. “Is it the grass, Zoro’s hair, Sanji- “Luffy got up and ran off to another part of the ship. It sounded very distant, but he could still hear him as clear as day. “This book, this book, this book, this book- “He really shouldn’t have been surprised when he heard him go on for about five minutes with nothing but ‘this book’s, yet here he was. Who knew they had so many green books. “Oh! This bookmark!” He came running back. “Franky’s shirt!”

“Yes, that would be it.” Luffy looked so triumphant when he was told he was right. He was completely pleased with himself when he sat back down onto the stairs next to her.

“Alright! I spy with my little eye…. Something that is….” He looked around again, before his eyes caught the rim of his bucket. “Blue!”

“Is it your bucket?”

“Yeah! How’d you know?” 

  
  


Robin chuckled a little. “I spy with my little eye, something that is blue.”

“Stop me when I get it.” Luffy said before breathing in sharply. “Franky’s hair, Chopper’s nose, Nami’s shirt, Sanji’s shirt, Sanji’s pants, Usopp’s blanket, the sky, that cloud, Sanji’s eyes, your eyes, Fran-“

“Robin can’t spy her own eyes, dipshit.” Sanji growled, glaring pointedly at Luffy. This of course earned a glare back from their still scorned captain.

“She can so! The same way she can spy anything on the ship! She just uses her devil fruit so she could too spy her eyes!” He shouted while pointing his finger self-righteously in Sanji’s direction.

Franky really couldn’t imagine how much it would suck to get shut down by Luffy like that. Sometimes Luffy could say something that made sense and he got a feeling that in this case it  might’ve had something to do with a previous game where he had ended up remembering the hard way that with her devil fruit spying her own eyes was an option. At least it shut the cook up. It also made Zoro snort a little, which immediately got him an elbow to the side. For once, Zoro didn’t retaliate. He could only imagine it was because there was nothing he could do or say that would top the fact that Luffy had outsmarted the chef in a verbal argument with actual sense. That would probably keep one of them 

from starting a fight for now, seeing as how Sanji was too busy sulking about his injured pride.

 

Meanwhile Luffy had thought of something that could spell nothing but disaster. He carefully watched as he looked around at the contents of his bucket. Luckily he didn’t use his hands, but he did tilt it from side to side. “Hey Sanji! Why don’t we ever eat anything blue?!”

“Yeah, shit cook. Why don’t we eat more blue foods? Seems like those might be important.” Zoro chimed in, ready to antagonize the cook.

“Alright, shit head.” He started looking in Luffy’s direction, purposefully ignoring Zoro and his provocative comments. “You name five blue foods and I’ll make you something blue.” The only gear that Luffy had that wasn’t devoted to fighting started turning.

Luffy didn’t like losing, and everyone knew that. He really had to hand it to Sanji, that was probably going to give them at least a little bit of silence apart from the low humming noise Luffy made when he thought super hard.

 

“Blueberries…. Blue fin tuna…. Bubble gum is blue sometimes….. Sometimes when you fall on raspberries and squish ‘em the insides are blue….. Oh! And cotton candy can be blue!” He beamed victoriously, hands resting triumphantly on his hips.

“Okay first of all, you don’t eat bubble gum what is wrong with you. It’s not food. Second, good for you that you know the name of at least one fish, but that’s just the skin of the fish not the meat itself.” Sanji gritted out pinching the bridge of his nose to fight off a Luffy induced headache.

Though Luffy didn’t care. He named his five blue foods and won and there was nothing Sanji could do to take that away from him. He had more important things to do. Like find out what it was that Robin spied.

Naturally that meant he had to get up now. Because obviously there was nothing else blue in sight on deck of a ship at sea. Franky could only assume he ran back to the library, and that was soon confirmed as the ‘this book’ game started again. And then when that didn’t work out, he ran to the boy’s cabin. And then he started asking about every pair of pants, shirt, sock and pair of underwear in there. He ran out and then towards the girls’ cabin, only to be stopped by hands that pushed him away from the door.

Naturally that meant that he had to run over to the rail and look over the edge of the ship. And then he started again. “Is it that fish, is it that fish, is it that fish-“He stopped to puke before he soon continued his fishy line of questioning.

Sanji groaned and pulled Zoro’s arm over his head. “Oh my god, can you shut up for five minutes?”

“What the hell are you doing, shit cook?” Zoro asked incredulously, looking down at the blond trying to smother himself in the swordsman’s arm.

“Trying to make your muscles useful for something, mosshead. What do you think I’m doing?”

“Kinda looks more like you’re trying to be a pain in my ass.”

“Fuck off, you’re not even good at blocking out stupidity but I’m taking what I can get.” Zoro tried to free his arm from the cook’s iron grip.

“Get the hell off of me, if you get any hotter we’re both going to burst out into flames.” Zoro growled back while struggling with the cook.

Franky snorted cola out his nose and tried to cover his chuckles with a cough. Obviously Zoro had missed completely what he had just said. He made eye contact with Nami across the deck as she whispered into Usopp’s ear and nudged him with her elbow. She gave Franky a knowing smile as Usopp chuckled. He wiped his eyes and turned back to the pair of idiots. His good mood evaporated when he found they were still arguing.

“-Bullshit. I’m freezing and if your backwards ass did anything right you’d be too. Now stay still you shit head.”

What had once been mild struggling, had escalated into full on wrestling. Super. All he wanted was to pry two sick and bickering children off each other.

“Zoro, Sanji, stop fighting you’re sick. You’re just going to make it worse! And Luffy stop running around!” The contradictory doctor wailed as he himself turned into his heavy point to grab the rubber man.

“Is it that fish, is it that fish, is it that fish-”

“Would you get your bony elbow out of my side?!

“Would you get your ugly face away from me?!

“-That fish, is it that fish, is it that fish-”

“Zoro don’t hit him! Sanji I want to give you a check up you’re far too pale”

“I dunno Chopper he’s usually pretty pasty”

 

“You won’t have time to give me a checkup when you’re collecting this fuckers teeth off the floor!”

“-That fish, is it that fish, is it that fish-”

Franky could feel the blood pounding in his head. One side of the deck was bickering like foul mouthed children, and then on the other side there was Luffy accounting for every fish in the damn ocean, and Chopper in the middle of it all transformed into heavy point and giving a useless and hypocritical lecture over the shouting. This was all ridiculous. He was already stressed enough, but this was just pushing his limits. He felt something inside of him snap. Everything he had been holding in poured out of him like meat tea from a rubber man.

“THE OCEAN?! IS IT THE OCEAN?! THAT BIG BLUE THING WE’RE FLOATING ON RIGHT NOW?!” Franky snapped, finally at the end of his rope.

“ Yes, it is.” Robin confirmed.

“AND YOU, SIT BACK DOWN! NO ONE’S GOING TO TAKE YOUR ADVICE SERIOUSLY IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW IT YOURSELF!” He scolded, Chopper shrunk back down and slowly stepped backwards to his spot on deck.

“AND BOTH OF YOU! WHY CAN’T YOU TWO JUST CUDDLE LIKE A NORMAL COUPLE?! IT’D BE EASIER ON EVERYONE IF YOU BOTH JUST MANNED UP AND ACCEPTED THAT YOU LOVE EACH OTHER! YOU BOTH CAN EITHER HUG QUIETLY OR I’M GOING TO PUT YOU TWO ON EITHER ENDS OF THE SHIP AND THEN YOU CAN JUST BOTH DEAL WITH BEING COLD AND BITCHY ALONE!”

The ship was completely silent and all eyes were on the enraged shipwright. It was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop, and no one really knew what to say or do now. Franky awkwardly cleared his throat. He didn’t plan on snapping like that.

“Well… that’s better. If you’ll excuse me. I have to go lie down now.” He said, walking into the boy’s cabin and shutting the door gently with a quiet click.

Meanwhile back on deck, everyone was still pretty stunned. They looked at each other uncomfortably.

“What was that all about?” Usopp asked, looking around at everyone else on deck.

“Yeah, I don’t know what the hell he’s even talking about. Why would I love someone like this shit head? Everyone knows that I love ladies and only the ladies.”

There was a silence, and then a few muffled snorts.

“Hey! I mean it!” The laughter grew more audible. The chef was left with little to do other than pout about it.

 

Luffy sighed longingly from his spot at the rail staring down at the infinite blue fish.

  
  


“I can’t believe he took my next guess. I was gonna say the ocean next.


	21. Thursday: Post Mantrum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The least gay chapter

After Franky’s explosion earlier, everything was quiet. No one really knew what to do, nor really how to approach this whole situation. It was clear that the shipwright didn’t want to talk to any of the sick people out on deck who were the cause of his misery. She could only imagine what it was like dealing with so many unwell individuals in such a confined space all night. Especially given how childish most of them were even before getting sick. It seemed as though a good number of the men on the ship simply didn’t know what to do with themselves when they were incapacitated. Most of the time it was some sort of nasty flesh wound or blunt trauma resulting in internal injuries and bleeding that kept them in bed, even then they didn’t know how to rest it seemed.

It was really a surprise that they weren’t use to this sort of thing with the inevitable blood poisoning they should have no doubted contracted on occasion. She knew there was a time the Strawhats didn’t have a proper doctor. She saw their ship prior to them having Chopper on their crew, and by that point, they already had made it past Reverse Mountain and into the Grandline. While rookies did get past that mountain, it was pretty well impossible to get that far without a few fights. Given the horrid looking scar on Zoro’s chest and the one on Nami’s shoulder under her tattoo, it seemed like they’d had a few nasty battles.

Though now she was getting off topic. There was still a problem to be dealt with, and that was the fact that at the moment, her and Brook were probably the only ones their shipwright would be comfortable speaking to right now. Seeing as she could simply sprout ears, eyes and hands on the deck as needed, and Brook was working on lunch, she was the obvious choice to go. A spiral of eyes sprouted from the mast and a few more in hidden locations, and a few ears along the rail for good measure. There wasn’t a way that those eyes could be missed. Now they knew for a fact any and all misbehavior was going to be seen, so there was no use trying to go work out or go check up on the kitchen. Nor was there any reason for them to use the excuse that she wasn’t around to ask her for something they needed. Nothing was going to go past her.

Arms sprouted in the kitchen, and the eyes she had there had registered the shock on the nonexistent facial features of the skeleton who was putting away dishes. She didn’t sprout any ears there, but she could hear the startled shriek of their musician who as it seemed, was not yet used the quiet nature of her fruit’s power in addition to her own sneaky tendencies. And amused chuckle slipped past her lips as she retrieved drinks for everyone on deck, and a cola for Franky. The arms passed the drinks down the line.

Most of the crew had advanced to juices. Nami preferred orange juice over water, and Chopper and Luffy both enjoyed sweeter drinks. They were watered down so the little doctor couldn’t complain about dehydration. Zoro drank only water turning his nose up at the sweet juices, and anything with flavor ironically seemed to turn their cook inside out. However next time she might throw in a few teas and hot cocoas for good measure. There were probably a good number of sore throats, and hot drinks really did help to alleviate the pain.

She looked over the deck once more to be sure it was fine for her to leave. Nami, Usopp, and Chopper were all cozy under their blanket with Chopper in heavy point resting in the middle, and Nami and Usopp tucked in on either side. So long as he wasn’t changing between points too much, she really saw no problem with it. Nami and Usopp would surely chastise him for it too, seeing as he appeared to be their main source of heat. Luffy was currently wrapped up tightly in his blanket, limply sitting against the rail with only his head and bucket visible.

Zoro and Sanji were still wrapped around each other in the corner seeming to have gotten over Franky’s impromptu announcement. Zoro had his eyes shut and his head dipped back. Sanji was tucked under his arm with his head resting gently on his chest. It was really quite the sight to see. From what she had witnessed of their secret relationship Zoro seemed to be the one to prefer being the little spoon, so to speak. She supposed that this whole ordeal was enough to bring him to a compromise in more than one way. She had noticed Zoro antagonized the cook less, never getting upset when he was frequently ill and patient when he complained. He had many golden opportunities to poke fun at the man but refrained opting to quietly support him instead. It was sweet. She could see that the deed was not going unnoticed by the blonde who accused the man of being a sap in an affectionate tone. She witnessed the soft smile on his lips and could sense the overall feeling of calm radiating off of the pair.

Perhaps if they were inflicted with crippling illness more often they could learn to get along so well all of the time, well so long as they didn’t succumb and die.

Now that she knew all of them were fine for the time being, she could go check on Franky properly. She did know that he took the cola, so he hadn’t gone to sleep yet. He was probably still too on edge from that whole situation earlier. She knocked lightly on the door before entering.

She always forgot how different the boys’ cabin was from theirs. Not just in design, but even the way it smelled and the overall disarray the room was in. Walking into the space was a lot different than an eye or two checking up on them for time to time. She couldn’t tell if the overwhelming smell of body odor was coming from the bedding, or if it was from the laundry. Hopefully it could be attributed to everyone being ill and it wasn’t the norm. She would honestly consider allowing Sanji to move into the girl’s cabin if that were the case. She couldn’t imagine someone so well kept living in such disarray, although it would explain some of his moods. There was also the distinct smell of vomit in the air. It seemed Franky had a rough night indeed. She glanced at the tarp laid out in the corner.

“I put it there so I didn’t have to scrub more puke than I had to. It’s already super gross with everyone throwing up in buckets. Sanji and Luffy just make it so much worse.” Franky informed, sitting up on his bunk so she could have a place to sit.

“Ah, that’s what I assumed. That was some clever thinking on your part.” She said, taking a seat next to him. And upon doing so, got confirmation that it was very much so the bunks that the smell was coming off of. When this was all over, she was going to make them wash their sheets. Those were simply revolting.

“Sorry about going off like that. I’m just super stressed out… It’s hard to remember that a few days ago I was on a pirate ship with a competent doctor, a fierce swordsman, a refined chef and a… well Luffy. Now… well I feel like I’m filling in at a daycare. They’ve always been idiots but…damn. I swear it’s like herding vomiting cats. Last night was just hell.” He sighed, rubbing the back of his head. She simply pushed him to lie down and started gently running her fingers through his hair. Already she could feel the tenseness in his shoulders start to fade.

“Just rest now. I can only imagine how rough last night was. I can take care of things for a while. You can catch up on some sleep and I’ll call you if I need anything. Alright?” She presented it as if it were a question, but she wasn’t going to take a no at this point. He had probably pulled many an all-nighter prior to this, but this was a different situation. He probably did it more than a few times in his life, but dealing with that many ill-behaved children was not the same as taking apart a ship, or building one, or even making another one of his inventions. Though it seemed like he had other plans than just staying here, as he made an attempt to get up.

“I can’t let you deal with all that, Robin. You’re too fantastic a gal to do that to. I’ll just stay in here until I’ve calmed down a little. I’ll get to sleep earlier tonight and be back to my super self tomorrow.” As flattering as his words were, she still wasn’t going to allow him push himself that hard. She forced him to lay back down and kept up gently running her fingers through his hair.

“I did ask, but in all seriousness, it wasn’t a question.  __ I can take care of the crew for an hour while you take a nap. Didn’t you chastise Chopper earlier about people not respecting orders if you don’t follow them yourself?” The cabin went quiet for a moment. She could hear the quiet chorus of “oooo”s from outside. She had noticed the little crowd gathering around with their ears pressed against the wood of the door, but just this once she’d allow them to think they were being sneaky. After all, it had been quite the ride up until now.

“Guess you’re right. But the same goes for you too. Don’t overdo it yourself. And if things are starting to get too tough come get me. Alright?”

She had a feeling he’d say that. A smile grew across her lips.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be sure to wake you if anything happens. I can fill you in on everything that plays out between now and when you wake up if you want.”

“Nah, unless it’s super cool, in that case I do. But I can’t really say I can see much happening in the next hour.”

“Alright, I’ll be sure to fill you in. In the meantime, get some sleep.” She said, placing a kiss on his temple. She could feel his face heat up as he choked out an affirmative and hunkered down for a well-deserved nap. She stayed perched on the edge of the bed until he fell asleep.

When she stood to leave she paused, giving the three pressed against the other side of the door time to scramble back to their blanket. She waited until they were tucked back in before she opened the door and walked out.

“So, did it go well?”

“I hope he isn’t too upset.”

“Yeah. Is he still mad?”

They all relaxed when she feigned ignorance. “Don’t worry, it went fine. He’s simply resting now.” She’d let them get away with spying just this one time.


	22. Thursday: During Mandatory Naptime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanji really needs a new lock for his locker.

Even on a good day, there was only so much Luffy that you could deal with at any given time. It was bad enough that they were all stuck on deck together, but the fact that it meant that Luffy was stuck there with them was really what made it unbearable. They were all bored, and that meant that Luffy was bored, and that meant that it was all of their problems. Out of all the annoying things that he did, the most annoying one was probably the way he whined and moaned about shit. All of them were bored, and all of them felt like dying. Hearing him complain was just grinding on her last nerve.

 

Everyone was already on edge from when Franky threw his fit, and really she was sure that everyone was in the same boat as her, in that she just wanted some quiet for a little bit. There was only so much she could put up with at once, and she felt like her already short fuse for Luffy’s tomfoolery was already a lot shorter than what it usually was.

 

Unlike a normal day, this problem couldn’t simply be solved by her punching him square in the head. He was on the other side of the deck, and she felt awful and didn’t wanna risk him hurling on her for trying to get him to just shut up. And that was the only real course of action, because violence was the only way to get it through his thick rubbery skull. He had already accepted the fact that his debt to her was crippling, so threatening to increase that was just going to be a waste of her time.

 

But the longer that she tried to think of a plan to get him to shut up, the more she considered the fact that maybe a short trip into the ocean would cool him off. If only she didn’t feel like garbage herself and Franky hadn’t been busy cooling off. Murder wouldn’t be on the menu for today. But there had to be something that she could do to get him to shut his face.

  
  


“Hey Luffy!” She called over. This got his attention. His head popped up and he looked over. Now was time for her to take action.

  
  


“How about we play a game?” Luffy went from curious, to looking more like a dog who was just asked if he wanted to go on a walk. No doubt this plan was going to work. She was a genius.

  
  


“Yeah! What game you have in mind?!” Now this is where it could all go wrong. Luffy was normally all for games where you were up and running around, but this game wasn’t quite what he usually played. But then again, she never really paid attention to what games that Luffy, Usopp, Chopper, and on the rare occasion Zoro, played.

  
  


“Hide and Seek. I’ll even let you hide first.” She offered. 

 

This was probably a really bad idea, but god knows that she needed a little bit of peace and quiet. But luck seemed to be in her favor, so who knows, it might keep going. Luffy looked thrilled with this turn of events.

 

Luffy went from laying perfectly flat on his stomach, to on his feet in seconds. Though he almost fell flat on his ass because he got up too fast. It looked like Luffy had forgotten completely that he was sick, just because she had brought up playing a game. It was a little funny. She made no claims about being a good person in the slightest.

 

His bout of lightheadedness seemed short lived, as he steadied out pretty fast. He looked over at her expectantly. It took all of about three seconds for him to get upset.

  
  


“So are you gonna count or not?!” He demanded, forgetting completely that he had yet to give her an answer. This was just going to make how long it was going to take for her to actually go try and find him so much longer.

  
  


“Alright.” She said, not wanting to actually start anything. He kept staring at her. She was going to actually have to do this. She felt so childish to actually have to go through with this crap. Her hands went up and covered her eyes. This was so lame. “One… Two…” She said, waiting until she couldn’t hear the sound of Luffy’s sandals slapping against the bottom of his rubber feet as he ran.

 

As soon as the sound of his sandals went quiet and she heard a door close, she stopped and lowered her hands from her eyes. Finally. It was embarrassing that she even had to do that, but hopefully she wouldn’t have to do it again. But having to sacrifice her dignity a little like this so they could have a little peace and quiet out on deck for at least a little while was worth it.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It was probably a good twenty minutes before she felt bad enough to get up and started looking for him. As much as she would’ve loved to just keep him out of their hair for the rest of the day, a quiet Luffy was kinda something to worry about, and not knowing where he was right now was probably not the best thing. Especially since they could only rely on the bucket so much to keep the mess to a minimum.

 

But after looking in what were arguably the Luffiest places to hide, she found nothing. Even with the enlisted help of everyone on deck. He had to be somewhere, and they were going to find him, even if they had to search every last inch of the ship. With Robin helping them, it should take seconds.

  
  


15 minutes later...

  
  


He was woken by a gentle shake from Robin. Had it already been an hour? Would it be too much to ask for five more minutes?

 

He propped himself up on his arm with a grunt, rubbing the sleep out of his eye with the other. As much as he’d like to not have to get up and just stay in bed a little longer, he knew that he couldn’t just leave all the work for Robin. This was probably bad enough that he had gone through with this nap, but really Robin had been really insistent that he did. He was glad he did, but he still felt bad doing it.

 

To the untrained eye, one would say that there was nothing wrong here. However he had been traveling with them long enough to recognize that things were in fact, not okay with Robin. It was just in the subtly different way that she was holding herself right now. It was super worrying. He had a sneaking suspicion that it had not, in fact, been an hour.

  
  


“It hasn’t been an hour yet… has it.” It wasn’t really a question, but it needed to be asked, just in case.

  
  


“We lost Luffy.” Robin stated flatly. 

  
  


He blinked tiredly at her. He’d had a feeling that it would be either something to do with Sanji and Zoro, or it was going to be something that Luffy did. He hadn’t expected for the kid to be missing. The question was how had he managed to escape from Robin, and why? Was he angry or hurt? Was he just being a shit? Either way, he was super awake now.

  
  


“How?” Because really, that was probably going to be the easiest way to get the entire story. Robin wasn’t really one to just beat around the bush when it came to such important matters.

 

“Well it started off as Nami offering to play a game of hide and seek with Luffy, I knew it was simply to get him to go off and be quiet for a while. I saw no harm in it, so I let it happen. Half an hour has passed, and now no one can find him. Everyone is up looking for him. Even Zoro and Sanji are up and looking around.” She explained. 

 

It had to be super bad if she even considered letting those two up. But really she should have come to him first instead of asking their incapacitated crew for help. How had so much managed to happen while he was asleep for half an hour? These people were pretty dead set on making sure that he didn’t get enough beauty sleep and was super stressed out for the entire duration of this epidemic.

  
  


“Well he has to be somewhere, and we would’ve heard it if he fell off the boat.” Robin added as he got up and the two of them left the musky cabin.

  
  


“Well he wasn’t in the kitchen, nor anywhere in the boys’ cabin, he knows better than to hide in the girls’ cabin. We looked in the library, the aquarium, both yours and Usopp’s workshops, and then we checked both bathrooms. We couldn’t find him anywhere.” Robin explained. 

  
  


Franky looked around the deck. Usopp, Nami and Chopper seemed to be doing okay, Brook looked worried, despite not having any features to look that way, and somehow the combined shambling of the unit that was Sanji and Zoro had been able to remain upright.

  
  


“Well it sounds like you looked everywhere. Sorry you lost guys it looks like you were trying super hard to find him...well there’s only one thing left to do.” Franky shrugged, before taking a deep breath in. 

  
  


“OLLIE OLLIE OXENFREE.” He bellowed, startling Sanji and Zoro both to the point of sending them to the floor in a heap.

  
  


And then with more energy than one sick person should ever have, Luffy burst out of the boy’s cabin, a tie caught on the handle of his bucket, and a wild grin on his face.

  
  


“I WIN!” Luffy proclaimed loudly. He then promptly walked back over to his spot on the deck and fell asleep. He was sure that he had put all the ties away in Sanji’s locker yesterday. He must’ve forgotten to lock it back up. Now it was Robin who looked like she could use a nap.

  
  


“Hey, I’ll hold down the fort if you want to lay down for a bit.” He offered.

  
  


“Thank you, I think I need a minute to compose myself after all this.” She said, excusing herself to go calm down in the girls’ cabin. This was probably a mistake, but Luffy was the main source of problems, and he was out cold. He’d stay that way for a little bit. Long enough for Robin to cool down at least.

  
  


“HOLD ON!! THERE’S A SECRET WORD TO GET OUT OF PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK?!?!?....What the actual fuck! Why didn’t anyone tell me?... All the time I've spent looking for that asshat... I could have just kept sleeping?! Zoro asked in a tone comprised of disbelief, rage and sorrow while helping Sanji struggle to his feet.

  
  


Franky chuckled and clapped a hand to Zoro’s shoulder not noticing that the impact had caused the swordsman to drop Sanji to the floor in a heap once again.

  
  
“Better luck next time bro!”


	23. Thursday: Post Hide and Seek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing worse than cold feet

This had to be worse that any flu that had been given to any living being on this planet. According to Nami, they were supposed to be nearing a nice warm summer island, yet here he was worrying about hypothermia more than anything as he continued to shiver next to Chopper under the blankets. Part of him hoped that the little doctor was equally as cold, so that this wouldn’t be as terrible for him, because he had that big fur coat on him, so it must’ve been a least a little better than what his nearly hairless bodied situation was. Because if it wasn’t, it’d probably feel something akin to being in a physical hell as opposed to just the emotional and figurative hell this was.

 

From what it looked like on the other side of the deck, it sure seemed like at least one of them was feeling the exact opposite of what he was feeling right now. Zoro looked like he could melt at any second, and Luffy was just a wildcard, because he seemed to be going back and forth between too hot and too cold. He knew that because the guy loudly announced it every time his temperature changed from one to the other.

 

He actually didn’t know if he was better off impossibly cold even with all the blankets and body heat under the covers, or if he’d rather experience the hell that Zoro was living. He knew for a fact that he didn’t want what Luffy had to deal with, that was a solid fact, because he at least got the luxury of being consistently uncomfortable in one way, as opposed to uncomfortable in varying degrees. It was probably best that it was Luffy who was stuck having to deal with being too hot and too cold because it gave him a good reason to keep squirming around like he did, and he knew it must be really hard for someone like Luffy to sit still for so long. If he didn’t constantly whine about it he’d feel bad for him. But because he felt like garbage, and he was really more annoying than pitiful, it was hard to actually feel bad for him over any period of time.

 

God he was cold. If he could actually move his arms out of his blanket this might be a little more bearable, because right now he was stuck doing absolutely nothing. It was hard to tell if his feet were actually as cold as they felt because everything on him felt like ice, of it they were in reality colder than the rest of his body. Either way, his feet were the kind of cold in which they actually hurt they were so unbearably cold.

 

This was unbelievable. Who would have guessed that the Great Captain Usopp would have succumbed to something as trivial and unlikely as frostbite in such a warm place? The gods truly were cruel, and alas, his incredible aim, award winning smile, and charming personality were all understandably worthy of such jealousy. If he were in their position, he too would try to smite him with unholy plagues such as this one in an attempt to lower him to the point where his sheer awesomeness was brought down to a level in which most could comprehend.

Perhaps the only way they could deal with their bitter jealousy was to take his feet while he was too busy fending off this horrid virus to fight back. Truly a dastardly plan, but perhaps the only time that he’d be vulnerable enough to fall for such a tactic. It was cowardly, but he didn’t blame them. He’d be trembling in his boots too if he saw that his opponent was someone as awe inspiring as he. Very few have stood up to the Great Captain Usopp at his best and walked away able to tell the tale. It was understandable to want to make his life harder in some way. And if they couldn’t take his hands, naturally his feet seemed like the next best option. That way, if he ever had the need to run (or if he just wanted to make his opponent feel safer by faking that he was running away), he couldn’t. Truly a dastardly plan.

 

But all kidding aside, his feet were unreasonably cold and he felt that maybe taking a page from Zoro’s book might be the only way to end his suffering. He knew that he was completely blowing it out of proportion, but it honestly felt like it was a warranted response. Was this how Zoro felt every day of his life? He wasn’t quite sure if he liked this or not. Actually he was certain that he didn’t like this. He may have been a pirate, but he was in no way a sociopath who was as alright with self-mutilation as Zoro was.

 

Speaking of Zoro and self-mutilation, it was actually a little surprising that Zoro hadn’t tried to start removing bits. For someone so willing to just cut things off of himself when they stood in his way,even if it was his feet or hands, he was handling this whole ordeal surprisingly well. And feet and hands were kinda necessary as far as being a swordsman went seeing as good footing was a thing and so was the fact that he needed to hold swords which was equally important if not more so than footing. It seemed that just simply removing the parts on him that hurt or were in the way wasn’t always his go to move. He knew that his organs were too important to just start removing all willy nilly.

 

He was probably being a little over the top, but it felt like he’d earned the right to blow this out of proportion considering Zoro had almost cut off his hand with barely any hesitation back when they were rescuing Robin a while back. He wasn’t going to be forgetting about that anytime soon. He wanted to be freed from those handcuffs, but that was just unreasonable. It wasn’t like they were animals stuck in a trap and the only way out was to gnaw off a hand.

  
But Zoro and his own poor choices aside, he did have one option to solve this problem. It was horrible and mean, and probably also going to be funny enough to be worth it. He was bored anyways, so that meant that it was absolutely worth doing this. And it was so much easier and if death was going to take him it’d be a lot quicker than the slowly bleeding out like Zoro’s method.

A devious smile crossed his face. If he was going to die, he was dying with warm feet. So in one quick motion, his feet were shoved under Nami.

 

“Usopp what the hell ar- OH MY GOD!” Her normal mildly angry voice quickly turned shrilled and horrified as the cold hit her. It may have taken a little bit for the cold to seep through the fabric of her pants, but once it did, it was hilarious. He felt a little bad, but if she were in the same situation it would have been done to him. He knew how this friendship worked and he was no fool.

 

Actually no, he kinda was. This was as good as suicide, because Nami was going to kill him. Kill him in a way that only a best friend could. But his feet were warm so even if he did die here he’d be the winner. And even more so because when he no doubt goes to hell, then he’d actually be warm for the first time since he got sick. Then he’d be the one with all the warmth and then she’d be the one in the wrong.

  
  


“USOPP OH MY GOD YOU ASSHOLE! DON’T SHOVE YOUR FEET UNDER ME! THEY’RE SO COLD!” She shrilly scolded, though he was far too pleased with his work to be apologetic. 

  
  


This was pure art.

 

Then there was silence. A silence that so heavy that he felt it weighing down on his chest. Something about this situation was not okay. Because this silence shouldn’t be there. What should be there was Nami yelling at him about how horrible he was and about how she was going to start taxing him for every moment that he had his feet under her or something.

 

But there wasn’t a word from her. Even the look of indignation that she had had was gone. That was the face of someone who was scheming. And that was bad news for him because the scheme was going to involve him suffering and that was an unavoidable fact. The question remained as to what she had in mind for whatever terrible thing she was going to do to him.

But his fearful suspense was cut short as she took action and her own cold hands were shoved into his shirt. And he let out a shriek of his own, because her hands were something he’d imagine the hands of death felt like as they crept over you and took your very soul. At least he’d had the decency to put his feet over a clothed area. She just put her cold hands directly onto his chest under his shirt. Unbelievable.

 

Actually what made it worse was the fact that Chopper had changed points and pulled them apart. As cold as her hands were on his chest, they had been warming up on his chest so now he didn’t even have the residual heat that was coming off of his body and being trapped by her hands.

  
  


“You both need to cut that out! You’re not helping anyone in this situation and you’re both being terrible nap partners!” The tiny voice squeaked from the more gorilla like body as he held them apart, careful not to move the blanket too much and have them lose all the extra heat they had gathered underneath. 

  
  


Now he felt bad because they had brought someone completely innocent into this mess. Poor sweet Chopper, the one who had been nice and warm this entire time. They both kinda looked sheepishly off to the side.

“Sorry Chopper.” They both said, avoiding eye contact with the disappointed doctor. They were both repositioned under the blanket so there was more distance between them.

  
  


“Now both of you need to get some rest, or you’ll never get over this.” Chopper told them grumpily before cuddling back up where he was in his bigger form. He had a feeling that it was more of a ‘he wanted rest’ then ‘you aren’t resting enough and won’t get better’. But he wouldn’t say a thing.

Instead he’d be grateful that by some lucky twist of fate, they somehow didn’t wake Sanji. Because it’d be an even bigger shit show if he woke up to see Nami over here fondling the sniper’s chest. But thank god he was too busy being a gay mess and cuddling Zoro right now. He wouldn’t say anything in fear of waking him up and ruining everything.

 


	24. Poopocolypse 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit hits the fan

It was one of those rare lulls in the action. And with so many members of their crew sick, action was one of the last words that he expected to describe what their lives had been the past day or so, yet here they were. Actually he might’ve used different words to explain it. Mostly bullshit. Bullshit felt like the right word for all of this. He had been saddled with six sick children, and he didn’t even get to have the fun part that came before children, and yet he still was stuck with them. And they all seemed to be on a quest to be a pain in his ass in new and inventive ways.

 

At the moment, it was quiet. And he had to say at this point he found any moment of silence super suspicious. It just made him wonder who was going to be the one to start the next shitstorm. Because it had been quiet for probably a solid five minutes, and that meant that they were about due for someone to start something.

 

He had to think about this logically based on what he had gathered by watching these idiots since yesterday. Sanji and Zoro had just had a fight, and they were the reason why the last bout of problems occurred . One of these days those two were going to just have to learn to interact like normal human beings, and that cuddling meant not bitching and no wrestling and a lot less almost barfing on each other. Today was obviously not that day. 

 

The three on the other side of the deck had been quiet for an awfully long time. Their last kerfuffle had been a while ago over Usopp’s cold feet, and then over his cold hands. It had almost been enough that he had to separate the three of them, but the disagreement over there seemed to have resolved itself. Luckily those three seemed to be grown up enough to mostly solve their own problems. So that just left-

  
  


“OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.”

  
  


Of course.

 

He should’ve known something was up just by looking around the deck. No matter what the situation was there was always one thing you could count on: If Luffy is missing, there’s almost no doubt that he’s off causing problems somewhere. That was the golden rule, and it had been pretty well established since day one of the crew. But now was not the time to just stare with his emotionally exhausted eyes. There was now apparently a serious problem on their hands. But if it was a real problem, or just a mild inconvenience to Luffy was yet to be seen.

  
  


“Yeah, what is it, bro?” He asked, ready for the no doubt stupid bullshit about to fall out of his captain’s mouth.

  
  


Actually, no. He wasn’t ready. He hadn’t been traveling with Luffy for all that long and he already knew that coming into a situation like this expecting stupidity wouldn’t help him any. Luffy couldn’t be predicted and it was surprising just what he could do when you set your expectations...

  
  


“I need to know if everyone is pooping okay.” Luffy said with a completely straight and serious face. 

  
  


Yep. He wasn’t ready for that kind of stupidity. He should’ve been, but he wasn’t.

  
  


“Alright. I’ll bite. Why.”

  
  


“Pooping is really important, Franky. And it's really important for me to know if I need to fix the schedule because of this stupid flu. It’s my job as captain to make sure that important things like these are all normal. You miss one poop and then your whole day’s gonna be bad.”

 

They had a poop schedule…and he was being serious. Luffy took Franky's wide eyed silence as a sign to carry on with his shitty lecture.

  
  


“It’s bad enough that there are some of us that don’t poop every day.” Luffy said, giving his best sick person glare over to Sanji, who responded with a simple middle finger, despite not even looking over to see if he was the problem pooper in question, and he clearly was, so Franky could only assume that this was a conversation that had happened before.

  
  


“Bro, I’m gonna level with ‘ya. Right now we have much bigger concerns than whether everyone’s poop schedules are the same. We-“ His thought was cut short by an absolutely scandalized gasp from the rubber man. 

  
  


If someone had been watching from afar and had seen this conversation go down, they probably would’ve thought that he had just called Luffy’s mother something just super uncool. But the offended expression on his captain’s face was short lived as it was quickly replaced with a serious frown.

  
  


“You haven’t pooped yet today, have you?” 

  
  


He really didn’t want to get lectured over something stupid like whether he had time to take a shit today. However he had a feeling in his gut that even if he said that he did, he’d be accused of lying and then it’d be even worse than what it probably was already going to be.

 

“No. When would I even have had time to when I’m busy taking care of you six? It’d be super uncool of me to just leave it all to Robin like that, even if it was just for a little bit.” There was silence, and then Luffy nodded sagely.

  
  


“Go poop. You sound cranky and it’s probably because you haven’t pooped yet.” 

  
  


He opened his mouth to correct him and say that it was because he had to take care of six fully grown children all day and that he’d have to keep doing that until they got better. But Luffy cut him off before he could continue. 

 

“Captain’s orders.”

  
  


It was rare that Luffy dropped the captain’s order’s bomb. Personally he thought it was stupid, and he didn’t want to just leave everyone in their presently super needy state to Robin, even if it was just for fifteen minutes tops. He still felt bad for leaving them all to her earlier when he had his little break down. But out of all the possible things to mutiny over, this really wasn’t worth it.

  
  


“Alright, but there’s gonna be hell to pay if I come back and you’re giving Robin a hard time.”  He warned, but knew full well that if they did give Robin a hard time, it’d be dealt with long before he ever got back out on deck. At least his answer seemed to be an acceptable one for Luffy, who smiled victoriously as his shipwright walked into the bathroom.

\----------

 

With Franky now taking care of business, Luffy could move on to more pressing matters. Like the wellbeing of the rest of his crew. And the people closest to him right now just happened to be Usopp and the blanket crew. He’d start there and then he’d work around the ship. It might end poorly because there were only two bathrooms on the ship and Franky was already in one. Hopefully the lines wouldn’t be too bad and everyone was still pooping good.

 

“Usopp! Chopper! Nami! You guys are still pooping good, right?!”  Nami wasn’t going to play this game, and decided to look away and ignore the fact that Luffy knew very well that girls did too poop. Usopp awkwardly coughed and decided to avoid eye contact all together. It was Chopper who chose to step up.

  
  


“Luffy, you know that diarrhea is a really common side effect of the flu, so it’s really nothing to be worried about. We just need to stay hydrated and it’ll pass in a few days and-“

  
  


“A few days!? Do you know how bad it’s going to mess everything up by the time a few days pass!? What kind of captain would I be if I didn’t make sure everyone’s shit was under control?!” A clearly not okay Luffy yelled.

  
  


Silence fell for a moment as confusion set in.

  
  


“You… do know that you don’t literally have to make sure our bowel movements are regular, right?” The swordsman on the other end of the deck asked.

  
  


“One: bowel movement is a really funny way to say poop, and two: I do too because both Shanks and Ace told me and they wouldn’t lie to me and they know about this kind of stuff because they’re both great captains even if Ace isn’t a captain captain anymore.” 

  
  


There was another moment of silence as Zoro contemplated his options. He decided it was best to let this one go.

  
  


“Well, I’ll be sure to get regular as soon as I can, captain.” The swordsman said with all the sincerity he could muster given the situation.

  
  


“I’m not worried about you, because you’re a super duper pooper, Zoro.” There was a few snorts and snickers around the deck as the swordsman began to turn Christmas colored as opposed to just green.

  
  


“I don’t know why you’re laughing, Sanji. You could really stand to learn a thing or two from Zoro when it comes to pooping” Luffy chastised.

  
  


“Oh this again!” Outrage finally giving Sanji the energy needed to fight back.

  
  


“Yeah this again! You’re a real problem pooper, Sanji. It's not good to just hold these things in like that! It’s why you’re so grumpy all the time!”

  
  


“I am not having this conversation with you! And I'm not fucking grumpy all the time!”

  
  


“Yes you are! And yes you are!”

  
  


“No! It’s gross and you’re gross and I’m not talking about it! And i'm only grumpy when you're harassing me for food!”

  
  


“That's all the time” Zoro muttered quietly.

  
  


“YA THATS ALL THE TIME SANJI!” Luffy hollered back.

  
  


“WELL ISN’T THAT JUST SHITTY FANTASTIC!”

  
  


Ground was not being gained, and Luffy was tired, and cranky, and already hurt and mad at Sanji, and also he still felt gross. So instead of a coherent argument, there was instead some feet stomping and some childish whining, before he stormed off and wrapped himself tightly in a sulky burrito back in his spot.

\----

 

He hated to admit it, but he did feel a little better now. But it didn’t last long as even from the bathroom, he could hear the chaos unfurling behind the door. He could make out Luffy’s muffled scolding, and little snippets of the captain’s personal poop crusade that he was going on.

 

Somehow he had managed to miss most of it while he was in the bathroom. Now Luffy just seemed to be sulking on the floor in what he had claimed as his spot. He seemed to be upset. And while Robin calmed down everyone else the captain had riled up, he was the only one left to calm Luffy down from this mess.

 

So the cyborg sat down next to the angry knot of blankets that was currently Luffy. He put a comforting hand on his captain’s back. Or maybe his chest? Actually he didn’t exactly know. It was hard to tell what was what in that blanket.

  
  


“You doin okay there, bro?” He asked, knowing full well that he was not.

  
  


A muffled “Stop the ship, I wanna get off” was his answer.

  
  


It seemed like a very odd request, especially from the likes of someone like Luffy. This did not bode well.

  
  


“Luffy, we’re in the middle of the ocean right now. You can’t get off. Why do you even want to get off?”

  
  


“Because I’m a failure of a captain and I don’t want to be a pirate anymore.” 

  
  


This was very serious. He had probably been gone for maybe ten minutes, and in that time something had gone down that had made Luffy want to just give up completely.

  
  


“Hey now, bro. You’re not a failure of a captain. I’d even go as far as to say you’re probably the best captain out there. What’s got you so down?”

  
  


“I’ve been so caught up being sick, I didn’t even notice that everyone’s poop schedules got messed up. I failed everyone.” 

  
  


He couldn’t just tell him that that was a stupid reason, and that most people didn’t even have a poop schedule that they lived by, but he didn’t want to bum his bro out even more than he already had. That’d be super mean.

  
  


“Well, you’ve been sick too, and I can tell you that everyone’s going to be back to normal as soon as this flu bug passes. But even though you’re sick, you’re still worried about all of us, and I’d say that’s the mark of a great captain. You probably just don’t see it right now because you haven’t been pooping right either.” 

  
  


There was silence, as Luffy pondered over this statement. He knew he was, because if he listened carefully enough, he could hear the hum that Luffy did whenever he was thinking really hard.

  
  


“You’re right! I didn’t think of it that way!” Luffy said, mostly recovered from what could’ve been a super disaster.

 

“Alright! How bout you take a nap so you can kick this flu in the ass?” He said, giving his captain a pat on the whatever part of the body was under that blanket.

  
  


“Kay.” 

  
  


It took seconds before he could hear the sounds of Luffy’s snoring. Franky straightened up with a stretch his eye catching their Jolly Roger dancing in the breeze. A thought struck him and he couldn't help but let out a snort of laughter. Man, they were super lucky that they weren’t called the Poop Pirates.


	25. Thursday: Lunchtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Only during a shit show like this one could something like this go unnoticed.

Finally he would have a chance to stretch.

It was lunch time and Brook was making his way around the deck distributing expertly reheated soup to the crew. He waited anxiously, not because he was excited to test the limits of his stomach, but because eating required being upright, a position Sanji had not maintained in some time. The man threw heat like a fire, it was fascinating and agonizing. The fact that he would be consuming hot soup didn’t quell his relief at having a little freedom.

He felt the weight settled against him shift with a curse as the sweaty blanket was jerked from his body. The breeze against his skin was ecstasy. He couldn’t stop the happy sigh that escaped him just as Brook handed him a bowl and a spoon. He’d let the skeleton take it as a compliment for the meal he had prepared and the cook bristle for the ease with which he had given it.

He rolled his eyes at the face the cook made when presented with his lunch. He could understand his distress considering how well his last few meals had gone down but glaring at it wasn’t going to make it disappear. He turned to his own meal with a frown. Honestly he didn’t feel like eating himself. He wasn’t as expressive as the cook but he felt like shit. Ever since he had come down with this flu his reactions had been sluggish and his attention pathetic. Luffy had snuck up on him yesterday and Sanji had actually managed to hurl on him not once but twice. It was downright embarrassing. He was glad that no one had brought it up. Sick or not, he had no reason to be this out of it.

He watched the clouds and ate his soup slowly while he considered how he was going to make up for the last few days when he was well enough to work out again. He tried to remember the weakness he felt in his whole body was a symptom and not him slowly losing the strength he had worked so hard to gain… but it was hard to ignore considering he had been eating for a while now and his bowl felt about as heavy as when he had started.

Scratch that. It was heavier… and seemed to be getting even heavier still.

He snapped his eyes down and barely caught sight of a soup bowl being jerked away from his own…full to the brim soup bowl.

He looked towards the two morons seated next to him. Luffy was out. Not only was the idea of Luffy sharing food ridiculous but he was sipping his meat tea surprisingly delicately from a tea cup. Pinkie out of course. The obvious culprit had his head leaned back and eyes closed feigning sleep, half empty soup bowl clutched loosely in his lap, the side stained and still wet.

He could play this game.

He sucked down a decent portion of his soup before returning to a leisurely pace seemingly lost in thought. He waited patiently focused on the feel of the bowl in his hand, the warmth and the weight. The second he felt it shift he was ready.

The cook jumped when his wrist was caught in a sure grip. Zoro watched as the expression on the blondes face switched from stunned, to feigned annoyance. Looked like the shit cook was going to go down swinging, in whatever the hell he was trying to do.

“Let go of my wrist you shitty mosshead. What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He hissed, deflecting the blame onto the swordsman.

Did he honestly think that was going to work?

“Could be asking the same thing to you. What are you trying to do with that soup? Thought you had a real boner for making sure people had enough to eat. Are you just exempt from that or something?”

He was met with silence and a staring contest ensued but the swordsman had no plans for backing down. The cook looked away first but was clearly unprepared to give an explanation.

It left him stammering and scoffing and trying to make it seem like Zoro had said only the stupidest thing possible, yet the look on his face gave him away. When he had his guard down like this, he really was as easy to read as Luffy was most of the time. In a way it was pathetic, but nowhere near as pathetic as it was watching him try and figure out a valid excuse for what he had been doing with his lunch.

“I-I-I’m not doing anything with my soup but eating it. I don’t know what you thought you saw, but obviously it was wrong.” Sanji forced through gritted teeth.

It was harder to tell if he was talking to a man of the same age, or a child who had just been caught doing something naughty and was trying to cover his ass. Not a particularly smart child at that either. He couldn’t help raising an eyebrow at him. Seemed as though he was sticking to his story, not matter how lame it was.

“I don’t know how stupid you think I am, but it’s obviously not as stupid as you are for thinking I’d fall for a lie as obvious as that one. There’s clearly soup on the edge of your bowl on the side closest to mine and I watched you tilt it back up when I grabbed your wrist. So you’re going to tell me right now why you aren’t eating.” He stated, keeping his eyes locked on the childish chef who kept avoiding eye contact.

“Or else what.” He challenged. He was pretty quick to go from avoiding it altogether to being defensive about the situation.

“I’ll stick your hand in Luffy’s bucket.”

The look of horror and disgust that crossed Sanji’s face was priceless. It kept him speechless for a solid 30 seconds before he could regroup himself.

“You- You wouldn’t dare.”

To prove just how much he did dare, he made the cook set down his bowl with a little force and start moving their still connected hands towards the bucket around the lounging captain’s neck. This got an instant reaction from him. The cook started to squirm about in an attempt to free his hand from what would have been a terrible turn of events.

“Alright Alright! Fine! Just give me my hand back!” He squealed as quietly as one could, trying not to attract too much attention so this wouldn’t turn into a discussion amongst the whole crew. He didn’t let go of his wrist, but he brought it back to rest in his lap. It got a brief glare from the chef, who backed down when he got a warning look in return.

He watched Sanji struggle with his thoughts clearly troubled by something. He ran his thumb over the man’s knuckles in what he hoped was a soothing gesture. Zoro waited patiently and was rewarded when Sanji sighed in resignation and finally met the swordsman’s gaze.

“If I eat, I’m just wasting food. I may not be throwing up as much as Luffy is, but I’m still not holding anything down. It’d be better if someone who could keep food down like you had it instead of me. There. Happy?”

Did the idiot really believe in this to the point of starving himself? He had to be out of his mind. He absentmindedly interlocked their fingers and gave the man’s hand a supportive squeeze while trying to come up with something intelligent to say. The respect Sanji held for food was well known as was his desire to make sure no one ever went hungry. His brain was foggy but he knew there was a conflict of interest there. It was obvious that this was causing the cook distress. He tried to consider it from Sanji’s point of view and set aside his own feelings about the cook’s actions.

Thinking was hard when it felt like you brain was trying to squeeze out your ears.

“So if we’re in the same boat, then why aren’t you eating toast and drinking meat tea like I am? It’s like you said, you’re keeping things down better than me.”

Luffy beat him to it. So he had been listening this whole time. He should have known. Luffy’s serious mood had persisted even after the subject of the dreaded poop schedule had been dropped. It seemed their captain had a new mission… and he wasn’t prepared to handle the situation as delicately as Zoro had been.

That was saying something.

Glancing back over to the cook, he looked equally shocked, and a little like he had taken a blow to his pride. He could only imagine what getting an honest scolding from Luffy must’ve felt like. It had to be humiliating. Especially since he was still sipping broth from a tea cup and continuing to refer to it as meat tea.

“Luffy, I’m fine with just water and tea. I’ll manage for a few days without eating and as soon as I think I can handle it I’ll try again.” He insisted. He may have been able to get Luffy out of his kitchen time and time again with smooth talking and kicks, but that was also a completely different Luffy. This Luffy was   
unmoveable. Not like the cook was in a condition to kick anyone anyways.

“Sanji, you’re only going to get better if you take care of yourself and that means you need to eat. If you get any paler, we’ll be able to see right through your skin.”

Not only was Luffy in a serious mood, but somehow was actually managing to successfully talk shit. That was awesome. Sanji seemed agitated but he wasn’t arguing. Zoro decided it was time to back his captain and see if they could force the stubborn moron into a corner.

“Captain’s right, cook. You need to eat something. You’re looking pasty, even for you.” The repeated insult was not sitting well with Sanji, as his expression got more and more agitated.

“Fuck off. I already told you I’ll be fine.”

That was a big mistake. This problem may have concerned food, but it was not going to be a fight he was going to win. That much was certain. Luffy was quiet for a moment, before he stood up, setting his tea cup of broth to the side, and walked silently into the kitchen.

The serious expression on Luffy’s face didn’t go unnoticed, and soon Robin and Franky were   
heading over to where the pair were sitting to find out exactly why there captain was still in such an out of character mood.

“Hey…do you guys know what’s up with Luffy? Why does it seem like he’s in such a bad mood?” Franky asked, regarding the already scolded looking Sanji, who was the most obvious culprit here.

“The cook though it was a brilliant idea to just not eat until he got better. You can only imagine how well that sat with Luffy when he heard that someone on the crew was neglecting themselves for no good reason.”

The Attention turned from Zoro and locked onto Sanji, who shrank into himself and looked like he may be trying to hide in his shirt to avoid embarrassment and further scolding. Both of them gave him disappointed looks.

“Sanji. Why would you do something so reckless?” Robin inquired with surprise in her voice.

“I’ve already been bitched at by Luffy, isn’t that enough punishment?” Sanji offered dejectedly.

Robin and Franky looked between each other. Since they both saw Luffy go to the kitchen, they could assume he was working on something and that he had this covered.

“Alright, but only since Luffy is already handling this.” Franky muttered before leaving the pair alone, Robin close behind him already making note to keep a closer eye on Sanji from now on. It didn’t take too long after that for Luffy to come back with a plate of what seemed like plain toast. He took off his bucket and set it to the side, and sat right on Sanji’s lap, giving him no space to run. He really had no concept of personal space on a good day, but something about this didn’t sit right with the swordsman.

“Hey, Luffy. Put your bucket back on and let me handle this. Your tea is probably getting cold.”

Luffy gave Zoro his attention ignoring the struggling blond, who was presently being force fed bread. Luffy shrugged and passed him the plate and got off Sanji’s lap. As Luffy got his bucket back on and got comfy once more, it was Zoro’s turn to take charge here.

“Alright Dartboard brow, open up.”

Sanji sent him a fierce look and he could hear his teeth click as he braced his jaw. Zoro sighed in exasperation.

“Listen cook don’t think for a minute we're done talking about this... but if you eat one piece of this I’ll let it go for now.

The blonde assessed his offer quietly but seemed to come to the conclusion that eating toast was less painful than discussing feelings. He moved closer to the swordsman and his mouth dropped open.

Zoro smirked triumphantly. “About damn time, it’s just toast don’t be such a baby yo- FUCKING BIT ME YOU ASSHOLE!”


	26. Thursday: Early Afternoon

He had somehow been stuck with the two worst people on the ship to be near right now.

 

He was really going to have to start looking less friendly.

 

The blonde under his arm tensed suddenly and Zoro felt his body coil right along with him. As he groped around blindly for a bucket he felt an arm wrap around his waist as Sanji snuggled closer and began to shiver pathetically.

  
  


False alarm.

  
  


He pulled the bucket into his lap close to his chest as a precaution because you know the old saying “Vomit on me once shame on you, vomit on me twice, you’re an asshole. Continue to catch me off guard repeatedly still fuck you.

 

He ran his palm up the man’s bare back and winced at the dampness, but it seemed to sooth him so he continued the motion focusing instead on counting the pronounced vertebrae under his fingertips. He frowned. Was the cook always so boney? He brought his other hand under Sanji’s shirt to assess his body condition. He could feel his ribs were more pronounced than they usually were when he touched him this way. Clearly lunch hadn’t been the first time he had shirked food since falling ill. Vomiting and dehydration alone couldn’t weaken the man this much physically.

 

He didn’t have time to analyze it further because he felt Luffy, who had sprawled across his legs, shift before he began to moan softly. Zoro started to panic trying to shake the guy off his legs. Luffy woke with a snort and blinked dazedly at Zoro before directing a nasty glare to his cook, who was still tucked against the swordsman’s body.

 

“He kicked me out again! Why do his kicks have to be so strong they huuuuurt.”  Luffy began to whimper the same way he had while he had been asleep.

  
  


False alarm.

  
  


Wait, they didn’t have an alarm. That was one of the reasons this whole situation was so stressful.

  
  


They needed an alarm.

  
  


Luffy it was a dream. The shitty cook has been asleep since lunch.

 

“So he’s even hurting me in his sleep…” Luffy grumbled.

 

Zoro never backed down from a challenge, but reasoning with a fussy Luffy went far beyond a challenge. He twirled a lock of damp blonde hair between his fingers absently while he studied his captain. The boy in question looked up at him with a pouty face.

  
  


They needed an alarm.

  
  


Hey Luffy, do you want to play a game?

\---------------------------------------------------

Fifteen minutes into a staring contest Luffy puked neatly into his bucket and Zoro felt a feral grin split his face.

 

“That’s not fair! I only blinked because I barfed…” Luffy whined from his spot seated on Zoro’s outstretched legs.

 

“You're right, we’ll play again but you should drink this first Zoro said while reaching carefully over Sanji to retrieve a full glass of water. He offered it to the rubber man who looked between Zoro and the glass with a wrinkled nose.

 

“I don’t want his barfy water” Luffy said with a frown.

 

Zoro snorted remembering an incident this morning when Sanji had gotten sick two bites into his first attempt at toast that day and Luffy had happily snatched the rest of the bread and eaten it from where it had been dropped less than a foot away from where Sanji was heaving almost over the edge of the ship. He had been busy holding the idiot’s hair back at the time but he hadn’t missed the victorious look on his captain’s face.

 

He wasn’t as dense as everyone accused him of being.

 

“You’re right he’d probably be pretty mad if you drank his water anyways.”

 

Zoro didn’t have to say anything past mad. The glass was emptied and back in his hand before he had finished the taunt.

 

“Oops, oh well” Luffy said with a grin.

 

“Ready for round two?”

\---------------------------------

After four more rounds of fill up Luffy and observe him until he erupts Zoro had it cracked. It was subtle but reliable and he was the only one who knew. Not even Robin was aware of what he had been up to. He watched his solved rubrics cube sleeping peacefully sprawled on the floor beside his legs with a feeling of accomplishment setting nicely in his chest. A choked noise and liquid meeting metal startled him and the feeling of accomplishment was quickly replaced with something warm. Another choke brought his attention to the spooked blonde who was struggling to sit up. He steadied him gently and brought the extremely lucky bucket closer to him.

“Hey cook it’s all right, relax.” He tried to soothe his disoriented crewmate, who had obviously been startled awake by the episode.

If Luffy was his rubik's cube, Sanji was his rio poneglyph.

After a moment Sanji collapsed against his chest with a groan and a muttered apology that almost caused Zoro to drop the bucket.

The idiot was clearly dying.

“S’ok cook, I don’t think you can help it” he offered while frantically waving Franky over. The cyborg strutted over and knelt down beside the trio. He reached for the bucket and looked inside sloshing its contents around.

 

“Who blew?”

 

Zoro jerked his head to Sanji before pointing to Franky’s wrist. He took the hint and reached to test the blonde’s temperature.

 

“It’s not good but it’s not worse bro.”

 

Franky stood and made a drinking gesture to Robin to either alert her that they were out of water again, or that he had given up and would be drinking somewhere if she needed him.

 

Zoro motioned to Luffy’s bucket which sat occupied beside him but definitely not around his neck. Franky blanched before lifting it delicately by its handle while muttering irritably about safety and his time being better spent not hosing off their captain. He returned swiftly with two clean buckets, one of which he immediately installed on Luffy.

 

“I made this to stay on him not sit next to him. Call me if he hurls but don’t let him take it off. That bucket’s the only thing keeping us afloat” Franky scolded.

 

Zoro looked around at the ship in an exaggerated fashion before turning back to Franky with feigned confusion.

 

“No one likes a smartass bro.”

 

“I think it’s funny” Luffy chucked sleepily.

 

Franky ignored the grin plastered on Zoro’s face and the weak giggles from his captain as he stood with a stretch and meandered back to the good side of the ship, unaware that Luffy was slowly crawling after him. Zoro took the chance to stretch his legs a little before getting back to the task at hand. Luffy had been a tough case to crack but he was easily manipulated into cooperating.  The only way he was going to be able to manipulate Sanji was by sprouting some breasts and that was also an unlikely scenario.

 

However…

 

“Cook…you awake?” He asked while nudging him gently.

 

“Fuck…I’m trying not to be so shut up.”

 

“You still cold? You’re shaking.”

 

“Ya I’m still cold you backwards shitty marimo.”

 

Zoro readied himself for what he was about to do. It would be worth it in the end when he had the upper hand. He could manage with the discomfort. He reached under the blankets hooking his arms around the other man before dragging him to rest between his legs.

 

“What the hell are you doing you shitty bastard?!”

 

“Your shivering is pissing me off. You’ll be warmer here” Zoro said while adjusting the blankets around their legs.

 

“You’re not getting off on this are you? Cuz I’m not in the mood” Sanji snarked while getting comfortable.

 

“Cook, if we find one more way to lose fluids Choppers gonna start putting corks in us, which reminds me, you need to drink this” Zoro said while passing him a refilled water glass.

 

“No… I really don’t think I can” Sanji groaned looking a little greener.

  
  


Time for more lies.

  
  


“Chopper was up for a little while working on something to help with your nausea. He’s worried about how sick you’ve been-“

A snarl cut him off as Sanji began struggling to get to his feet. “I don’t need special treatment, I’m no worse off than you fuckers, I’m gonna go give that little bastard a piece of my mind.”

 

“No! Don’t be upset with him you know how he gets! And he’s asleep, we don’t wanna wake the little guy up he’s all…tuckered out from his… medicine making. C’mon cook you have to admit you’re not doing so shit hot.

 

He watched Sanji fidget as he mulled over which emotion he was gonna go with. When the man began to absently bite at his lower lip he knew he had him.

 

“Me, Usopp and Luffy have already taken it. It really helps, but Nami is a little nervous about side effects. She was hoping you would try it fir-“

 

“Why the fuck didn’t you start with that?!

 

“I don’t fuckin kno-“

 

“My sweet Nami needs me! Give it to me you shitty bastard!”

 

“Calm the hell down eyebrows! I can’t just give it to you. It needs to be taken with a full glass of water. Chopper gave us specific instructions. You have to drink the full glass and keep it down for 30 minutes before you can take the drug.”

 

“Fine hand me the water.”

 

_ Too easy. _

_ \-------------------------------------------------------------- _

It had been fifty-four minutes.

 

Sanji was on his eleventh glass of water.

 

Zoro was starting to pick up on something… he just needed one more to confirm it. He waited patiently enduring the white knuckle grip Sanji had on his thigh. He was still seated between his legs, leaned back against his torso swearing quietly. The swordsman hardly noticed focusing instead on the feel of the cook’s body. The way it tensed, every tremor that ran through him, the rhythm of his breathing. His hand twitched over the bucket at his side. He had set it down in a show of faith when Sanji had declared that this was it, he definitely had it this time. It was the ultimate test.

 

There it was... three…two…one.

 

Zoro brought the bucket up just as Sanji lost his battle, and everything else. He was smiling so hard it hurt. He was a genius. He was the greatest. He now held all the cards.

 

Sanji spit once more before pushing the bucket away. “…How long was that?”

 

Zoro schooled his face into something less ecstatic and more concerned. It had been 7 minutes.

 

“That was thirty minutes, good job swirly, you can stop torturing yourself now.

 

Zoro turned as far as he could with his lap occupied and emptied the bucket over the side of the ship opting not to alert Franky to what he was up to. When he turned back he had a face full of sweaty green-tinged cook staring him down. He was embarrassed to admit he was a little startled, but throwing up eleven times in under an hour would have anyone looking a little less than sexy.

 

“Well?”

 

…

…

  
  


Oh! He was lying, that’s right.

 

“Uh…Nami decided she felt okay with it after all and took the last dose. She’s feeling a lot better I think.”

 

Sanji looked up at him confused before smiling weakly. “Ah, well I'm glad she’s feeling better.”

 

Now he felt bad.

 

He stripped off his shirt, he was only wearing the damn thing to give himself a little protection, and wet it with the cool water. He wiped Sanji’s sweaty face and neck with it trying to make him feel a little less shitty and gross. Then he steeled himself as he tucked the blanket back around his legs and left the cook nestled in between them. After all, he would be fucking warmer this way.

 

“…Zoro? When did you find out Nami had taken the last dose? I was awake…and no one came over here t-”

 

“Shhhhhhh. Don’t worry about it, get some rest.”

 

“…But I know no one came over here… did Chopper actually-“

 

“Ya sure.”

 

“…”

 

“…”

  
“You’re a real bastard.”


	27. Thursday: Afternoon

The deck was silent. Everyone had settle down and for now at least, things were unnervingly quiet. Usopp was reclining against the railing doodling lazily while Chopper cuddled in his lap and sniffled into a tissue while making quiet suggestions and requests. Nami was relaxing propped up in the mess of blankets she had acquired from all over the ship to keep her comfortable. Occasionally Usopp and Chopper would snicker at something, nudging Nami and tilting the page to let her in on the joke; all three sneaking glances at the opposite side of the lawn where Zoro and Sanji were attempting a truce. Although it wasn’t much of a truce, more like they had settled for silently antagonizing each other. Neither had seemed to notice they were the butt of an ongoing joke across the way.

Luffy lay sprawled in the middle of the lawn, seemingly giving up on pestering anyone halfway through a migration. It was just a lucky happenstance that he was in one of his waves of feeling gross. As annoying as it was, his quiet moans were a lot more tolerable than him wanting to play everything or complaining about being bored. Though there was a looming thought at the back of his mind concerning the peace that had settled across the deck, it was akin to a calm before a storm. Fuck, he had just jinxed it hadn’t he. No, that was ridiculous. Everything was fine! This was a well-deserved break and presently Robin was on look out so if something were to go wrong she’d no dou-

“Ouch! Robin what the hell?”

“Watch my nose!”

“Wh-whats going on?”

“Fuck woman I can move on my own!”

“Watch your shitty language you barbarian, Thank you for your concern my lovely-”

“Shut the fuck up!”

There was a commotion on deck as they all complained about being moved or touched as hands whisked them inside. Why was everyone being brought to the boys’ cabin? If there was a storm coming, sick or not, Nami would have told them. What the hell was happening? Robin was going to have to explain herself on this one.

Luckily she came down from the crow’s nest almost immediately after everyone had been safely albeit forcefully secured in the men’s bunks. Brook too was brought out on deck by hands that had swept him off his feet, dropping him in a heap next to the shipwright.

“Mind telling us what’s going on?” Franky asked, crossing his arms. Whatever it was it wasn’t good. So the sooner they knew what it was, the sooner they could deal with it.

“There’s a marine ship off the starboard quarter.” She stated calmly.

Shit.

Normally they would welcome the challenge, but they were down six fighters and would have to do their best to keep the ship steady. Not to mention the three that usually dealt with incoming cannonballs were out of commission right now.

“How many?”

“Just the one. It may be a scout ship, but even so, it’d be best to air on the side of caution.”

But if it was only one, it’d probably be best to save as much cola as they could in case something worse came along. One might be easy enough, but anything bigger than that would be a pain. Either way, fighting right now wasn’t a good idea. Maybe it’d be best if they brought out the big guns early.

“For now, so long as they aren’t shooting at us, we should be fine.”

Regardless, he’d like to get a visual on the ship himself. He went to the back and looked off to where Robin had seen it. It was still a ways away, but it didn’t look too big. Certainly not big enough to have too much for cannons, so at least they had that going for them. If they wanted to do anything, they would have to get closer. He could only hope that the crew’s reputation was enough to at least keep them at bay for a while.

“At least it doesn’t look like they have much for fire power.” Brook pointed out, the three of them now all together staring at this ship in the distance.

It wasn’t taking long for the marine ship to get within range. Now was not the time to just talk this over. This was the time for fighting. It seemed that he was right to assume that the ship’s fire power wasn’t much. He’d seen this kind of marine ship before. And being a marine ship, customization wasn’t really much of an option. They were ships built in bulk so that they could have more on hand. It was really a shame, seeing as they probably didn’t get much love put into them.

But now was not the time to think of craftsmanship of marine vessels. Right now they had to kick some marine ass! ...But kick it as quietly as possible as not to rock the boat or cause any alarm. That took out a lot of his arsenal already. The last thing they needed was to alert their ailing crew to the incoming threat because they were 50% idiots who wouldn’t question pushing themselves to fight right now. The sooner they got better the sooner he could have a good cry and move on. This whole thing was a super pain in the ass.

None of them were really the heavy hitters of the crew but it didn’t mean they were push overs. The three of them probably each had more experience than Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji combined, but not the sheer strength or monstrous traits. The fight itself wasn’t that taxing. The three managed to quietly kick ass while shushing the ones who cried out in agony then carefully tossed the downed men overboard. It was a scout ship and most of the time those were simply sent out to report on the area. They had just better hope that they didn’t get word back to their main base and send more ships their way while they were down like this.

They had gotten a good number of marines taken care of when they heard a commotion from behind them. That was where the cabins were, and that was super bad. If it meant what he thought it meant, their job just got a lot harder than it had to be. A rubber fist came flying past his face and nailed a marine square in the jaw.

Dammit.

Of course he had to have caught on and wanted to join in on the action. Why couldn’t the marines have understood that they were trying to by quiet for a reason? He turned around to see the monster trio standing together looking intimidating…for like 5 seconds. After the initial fear of seeing them together wore off it wasn’t difficult to spot that something was up. Luffy was a sweaty mostly naked mess with an unusual necklace. Zoro stood tall behind him swords attached to his hip, one hand resting on their hilts the other casually resting on the wall beside him. He also looked like a sweaty shirtless mess. Sanji stood beside him looking bored and tousled….and wearing different clothes? He had his dress slacks on, belt not done up and a button up shirt hanging open exposing his chest. The prissy shit had tried to get dressed before storming out on deck. Figures.

He fought valiantly to keep the thought at bay. He knew it was either gonna cause him to burst out laughing or get sick himself. All three had rushed out of the men’s quarters half-dressed and sweaty. Without knowing they were ill the three looked like they had just rolled out of bed….most likely with each other. Usopp, Nami and Chopper chose that moment to poke their heads out the door.

“Would you three hurry up and finish them?” Nami sighed not looking so put together herself.

“Ya you guys I kinda want to get back under the blankets” Usopp added tiredly.

“Ya we should all really get back to the railing” Chopper sighed.

It had been funny until little Chopper spoke up and now it was just so incredibly wrong. Oh god. They were gonna be known as the orgy pirates.

Just as Franky began contemplating what this would mean for their reputations it all fell apart. It started when Zoro’s hand flew up to cover his mouth with a choked noise.

“Zoro don’t.” Sanji warned in a serious but weak tone looking anywhere but at the swordsman.

Zoro swallowed heavily clearly trying to keep up the façade but one more choked sound and he was bolting for the rail retching loudly. The same moment Sanji’s cool demeanor dropped away and he was doubled over throwing up on his own shoes trying to bat away the used bucket Luffy was offering him from around his own neck. Some marines nearby had caught on to their situation, and got up and started to inch back to their own ship.

A tiny sneeze from a tiny Chopper sounded across the now quiet deck.

“PLAGUE SHIP! EVERYONE RETREAT!”

This didn’t seem to bode well with Luffy, who made an attempt to chase after them.

“FIGHT ME YOU COWA-“His battle cry was interrupted by his lunch. Franky watched as the energy instantly drained from the captain and he fell back to the floor in a super pathetic pile. At the very least he wasn’t in any mood to fight them anymore, and they didn’t seem to want to deal with them right now either in fear that the flu bug would spread to their ship.

“We’ll be back for you in a week when whatever it is you have now finishes you off.” The marine yelled from the safety of his own ship.

“You shit heads! Just kill us now! I have half a mind to report you to your superiors!” Sanji complained furiously as he darted forward to lean over the rail to shout more effectively. He was really not taking this nicotine withdrawal thing well at all. Nor this whole being sick thing.

“Might I remind you, you’re pirates! There’s no way any of our superiors are going to listen to you!”

“Well our captain is Vice Admiral Garp’s grandson, and I’m sure we could get him to take his own grandson’s word over yours, asshole!”

“If that’s the case, then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind putting him on the phone with the Vice Admiral then!” The Marine challenged.

“Fine, I’m sure you can transfer the call over to our transponder snail and you can listen to the whole fucking thing!” Sanji spat.

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

There was a weak “noooooooo…” from the pile that was Luffy.

Franky had only met Luffy’s grandfather that one time, but he could only imagine how much their captain didn’t want to talk to him. Though it might go a little better this time since it was over the phone and he couldn’t actually hurt him physically. Sanji would probably have to make this up to Luffy when everything calmed down. Technically they were even, each having tattled to a higher power, but Sanji wouldn’t remember and Luffy wouldn’t care. Yup, he definitely saw a meat feast in their future. He didn’t want to imagine one happening in the near future though, that was an ugly thought.

From the corner of his eye, he watched the cook storm into the boy’s cabin with Robin’s guidance and heard the door slam behind him. Even with the door closed, he could still hear the yelling from their more vocal crewmates. As sick as Sanji was right now he deserved a little abuse. He had been a bit of a dick.

“I’m going to get a Coup de Burst ready. Brook, you help Luffy to the transponder snail. I can only imagine the hell that’ll happen if we don’t answer that call. Robin, could you make sure everyone’s secure for when we blast off?”

Luffy whined in displeasure. He felt bad for the kid. He’d love to spare his captain the misery but they didn’t really have much of a choice. Hopefully the old man would give the kid some pity and leave him be, but he was going to get them out of the area as fast as he could regardless.

Thankfully Robin and Brook both agreed, and with Luffy a whiny mess there wasn’t much he could do to disagree. The poor kid had to just go along with whatever it was that needed to be done right now. Franky threw them a thumbs up and headed below deck to get everything ready for their escape while Robin collected a perfectly green swordsman from the rail and Brook peeled Luffy off the floor.

From what little he’d seen of Luffy’s grandfather, he was caring in his own weird way. And pirate or not, he’d come over and deliver his own abrasive brand of care to Luffy and all the others sick members of their crew. Images of Garp force feeding them soup and tying them down to enforce bed rest made him shudder. This didn’t bode well, so they would have to leave as soon as possible before he started making the trip over and possibly even boarded them.

He came up from beneath the deck and strutted into the galley where their captain was gripping the microphone loosely as Brook supported him up right.

“- And if you had just become a marine this wouldn’t have happened! Our doctors would have already treated you and you’d be fine! You wouldn’t have gotten sick in the first place! Our cooks cooking would have made sure that you stayed healthy!” Garp lectured.

It super pissed him off to hear him talk ill of his friends like that, and he could see that it pissed Luffy off as much as it could for the time being. He just didn’t have the energy to get really mad, and that was just a little sad.

“My crew’s better than any smelly old marine...” Luffy weakly taunted, attempting to make a face, only managing to throw up in the process. Brook rubbed the rubber man’s back.

“Don’t rile our captain up. It’s hard enough to get him to relax as it is.” Brook scolded.

Brook still wasn’t brought up on some of the major events that had happened since he and his crew died. He probably still didn’t know that Vice Admiral Garp was a Marine Hero. Though being Luffy’s grandfather should be a good enough clue that the man was as bad as their captain, if not worse.

“I don’t need some young upstart pirate telling me what to do! He’s my grandson and I’ll rile him up as much as I want!”

“Me a young upstart? I simply can’t believe me ears! Though, I don’t have ears anymore! Yohohohoho! I was already a well-established pirate when Gol Roger was nothing but a rookie. If anyone’s the upstart, it be you!” There was a stunned silence on Garp’s end.

“Son. How old are you exactly?”

“How rude! But I’ll have you know I’m eighty eight.”

“EIGHTY EIGHT!?”

“Yes. Eighty eight.”

“THAT’S EVEN OLDER THAN I AM! THAT’S OLDER THAN WHITEBEARD!”

“… He’s not even the oldest guy I know…” Luffy weakly whined.

“DON’T YOU LIE TO YOUR GRANDPA YOU LITTLE TURD!”

As amusing as this was to watch, they needed to get out of there. So he pushed himself off the door frame and walked over to his sorry looking captain.

“Well I’m sure it’s been quite a super time super catching up but we’re gonna have to get going. Say bye to you grandpa Luffy.” Franky said, taking control of the call.

“… Bye Gram-“

“JUST YOU WAIT A-“

Franky ended the call with a click. He was tired of hearing the guy yell and he had just walked in the room, he could only assume Luffy would be grateful for his intervention. The wide-eyed, slack-jawed look of terror on his captain’s face said otherwise. He almost missed the horrified whisper of “what have you done”?

Maybe he had overstepped his boundaries but that guy had really pissed him off! And the look on Luffy’s face right now was pretty priceless. It’s not like the vice admiral was going to come after them for hanging up…probably. It was going to be fine, because they were all ready to go anyways and they’d be long gone by the time they could get out here.

He took off running to below deck. All he needed to do now was pull a level and they’d take off. With a simple push, the mechanism roared to life, and he could feel them shoot off into the sky. It was a great feeling to have so much power at your disposal. Though that wasn’t the only thing he was feeling…he also felt the dangerous presence of two hands on his inner thigh. He tried to think of what he had done to warrant abuse of his boys and suddenly realized he had left Robin in a room full of nauseous individuals and shot them forcefully into the air with no warning.

Aww shit…

 


	28. Thursday: Rough Waters

Zoro was mortified.

 

He couldn’t remember ever being so out of control of his own body. His face burned at the memory of hurling over the side of the sunny while not only the crew but a whole fucking ship of marines watched. He couldn’t even get it together long enough to raise a single sword, hell Robin had to guide him inside and help him sit down on the bench. The only thing that would have made it worse would have been him breaking down sobbing which he was only doing on the inside. Maybe if everyone tried to hug him… Alright he could admit to himself the situation could have been worse, but it was still pretty fucking bad.

 

A soft touch on his back drew his attention, he turned expecting the cook checking on his welfare and offering some half assed apology for the shit show he had set in motion but it was Robin sitting next to him and handing him a bucket. Her attention was focused behind her where Chopper had begun raising hell while standing on a top bunk while everyone watched wide eyed, Zoro absently accepting the offered bucket just watched with confusion as his brain tried to catch up to what he was seeing. Exactly what the little reindeer was throwing a tantrum about clicked in at the same time a waft of cigarette smoke hit him. Sanji had himself pressed against the side of the lockers trying to stay hidden while he smoked what looked like two cigarettes at once.

 

“SANJI! IT’S BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU’RE ALLOWED TO SMOKE THE ODD CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW, BUT TWO!?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW BAD THAT IS FOR YOU?! YOU CURLY EYEBROWED BASTARD!”

 

“Chopper you need to sit down or you’re going to get injured. Sanji can you sit-“

 

“I WONT SIT DOWN UNTIL EVERYONE IS FOLLOWING MY ORDERS I’M THE DOCTOR!”

 

“Of course my dear, would it be alright if I sat here on the floor? I don’t want to bother you with my smoke-“

 

“THEN LISTEN AND PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND LISTEN TO SOMEONE OF REASON! PUT OUT THOSE DAMN CIGARETTES!!”

 

“That should be fine Sanji but you should find a bucket to keep near you.”

 

“SOMEONE LISTEN TO ME! ZORO!

 

“Of course! You’re always so smart even under such duress!”

 

The moment the cook stepped out into view Chopper flung his tiny body towards Sanji’s face with a teary yell, but arms sprouting from the bunk caught him mid air and pinned him in a seated position to the bed. The tiny doctor’s rage melted into sorrowful wails at being denied his own way. As he kicked and flailed between snotty crocodile tears. Sanji thanked Robin tiredly as he retrieved an extra bucket from Usopp’s outstretched hand and returned to sit on the floor reclining against the lockers.

 

Zoro turned back in his seat and tried to get comfortable amid the shouting that continued to increase in volume. Under most circumstances it’d be pretty well par for the course but he was feeling worse than he had during the entire ordeal and the fact that the sea was rough on this part of ocean probably had a lot to do with it. How on earth they could all be so lively like this was beyond him. And how the fuck had Sanji made a full recovery? It was like the two of them had swapped places. If he ended up doing something stupid like flirting the way Sanji did he might just give into that feeling and cry.

Nami and Usopp had begun loudly trying to reason with Chopper who was having none of it. Feeling someone staring he looked around until he locked eyes with the cook smoking lazily on the floor. Sanji looked concerned as he mouthed the words are you ok? Zoro wanted to tell him he was fine but the way his head was throbbing and his mouth was salivating he knew he wouldn’t be pulling off fine in a moment. Sanji must have known because he offered him a comforting smile before ignoring him completely giving him some privacy in a situation that had no privacy to offer.

 

Taking advantage of Choppers distraction Zoro gagged a couple times before throwing up quietly in his bucket. He was stealthy as fuck at this but Robin was impossible to get by. Her hand immediately found its way to his shoulder giving a squeeze while the rest of her focus was on Chopper’s meltdown. It must have slipped her mind that Franky was preparing a coup de burst that could launch them into the air at any moment. No one thought it important to remind her as she asked their swordsman if he were finished before taking his bucket and standing to dispose of the contents. Robin was always prepared. Robin always knew what was happening. Nothing ever surprised her. So when the ship lurched violently it seemed to be in slow motion that Zoro’s stomach contents splashed across her chest and down the front of her shirt. No one was entirely sure if it had been an honest oversight or a clever distraction to keep everyone from spewing when the ship took off because everyone was so taken with the scene before them that no one seemed bothered by the violent drop back into the sea. No one was bothered until it became clear the ship was still rocking quite harshly and it wasn’t stopping.

 

Zoro fought down the urge to hurl again. The Sunny had seen worse waters but the unsteady rhythm of the waves coupled with the brutal reality of what had just happened was threatening to turn him inside out. Honestly this was probably the most embarrassing thing that he had ever done. Even if indirectly, he had thrown up, right into Robin’s cleavage. While not as bad as Sanji’s delusional adventure earlier, it was still awful. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the bench.

 

He smelt the strong smell of tobacco before he felt the concerned hand on his shoulder. Part of him felt as though he was going to get scolded for spewing all over Robin’s sacred cleavage, but at the same time his instincts weren't screaming that he needed to defend himself. He felt the hand move slightly to rest on his back and the bench dip, and he could only assume that Sanji was sitting down next to him. They didn't say anything but they didn't really need to. After a few days of having the idiot sprawled across his body too sick to function, a subtle language had formed between them. Seeing as though Sanji was usually feeling too awful to talk, they had begun communicating through slight touches. Honestly it was weird being on the other end of it.

 

‘Are you alright?’   
‘No.’

‘Backrub?’

‘Fuck no.’

 

Despite his silent protest Sanji’s fingertips began slowly kneading his shoulder. He wouldn't admit that it felt nice, but it was a welcome distraction from the nausea bubbling up in his gut. He glanced over his shoulder to see everyone still panicking over the fact that Robin still had vomit all over her breasts. Name was offering suggestions with a hand over her mouth and a green tinge to her complexion and Usopp was trying to calm Chopper with a tall tale but kept pausing trying to fight his lunch back down. At least no one was paying attention to them, so he could slowly die of embarrassment in peace. A tapping on his thigh drew his attention back to the cook.

 

‘Bathroom?’

 

He let the message sink in for a moment trying to make sense of it. Was the cook asking him if he needed to shit? Did Sanji need to shit? Luffy would be pleased at least. He opened his eyes to look the cook in the face and the unimpressed expression told him the man knew exactly what was floating through his brain and that he had definitely misunderstood.

 

‘Bathroom. quiet.’ 

 

Ah, he meant for them to sneak off to the bathroom for some privacy. The thought of being able to suffer for a while without everyone's eyes on him eased an anxiety in him he hadn't realized was there until it was gone. It’d probably be for the best to have some time somewhat alone after this ordeal.

 

‘Sure.’   
‘Mosshead.’

‘Eyebrows.’

  
  


He felt a thin arm snake under his, ready to help him onto his feet but the ship lurching violently knocked him right back  onto his ass amidst a chorus of ill sounds from his crew. He slouched back against the bench with a groan and scrubbed his hands over his face in frustration. Sanji gave his arm a pat and stood.

 

‘When you’re ready.’

 

When he was ready. Now they just had to find the perfect moment to slip out, and that would be when the attention was off them and maybe the room stopped spinning. He watched Sanji make his way back to his spot by the lockers on legs that seemed too steady considering the way the ship was rocking. He looked fine and that pissed him off, but he was throwing heat like a furnace so definitely still sick. He watched the cook light up another cigarette and immediately All progress made with Chopper went out the window. Distraction. Check…

 

Now he just needed the room to stop spinning.

 

\---------------------------------------------------

 

Franky limped towards the boy’s cabin with Luffy dangling from his arm. The deep ache in his groin reminding him that what he was about to walk in on would probably be super uncool. He nudged the door open silently and took in the scene before him. The first thing that assaulted him was Chopper wailing. The poor little dude was flailing wildly on the top middle bunk clearly being held against his will with fat tears wetting his fur. He saw Zoro seated at the table with his head hung over a bucket resting on his lap looking the worst he had seen him so far. Usopp was leaned over his bucket but was mumbling quietly to himself, possibly trying to reason with his own body, and he didn’t see Nami but oh man he could hear her. He couldn’t see Sanji, hell he didn’t want to see the state the man was in if the rest of the crew were so affected by the rough water. In his peripheral he could see Robin standing with a bucket held loosely in her hand. He couldn’t look at her, he could feel how pissed she was.

 

He wasn’t ready to go back in.

 

He set Luffy on the floor softly and nudged him through the partially opened door. He felt eyes on him and when all the hairs on the nape of his neck stood on end he knew who’s they were. With one more not so gently nudge of his foot Luffy flopped into the room with a groan and Franky snapped the door shut not so quietly. Oh fuck! He instinctively cupped his boys with one hand and began jogging between the mast and the door willing the fire in his crotch to die. If he stopped moving he was sure he would throw up or curl into a ball and cry right there on the deck, or both. He needed to have a talk with Robin about manhandling his man parts. There had to be a better way for them to communicate, he could probably build something. Maybe a suggestion box.

 

Just as the first raindrops began hitting his face He heard the door being thrown open, banging roughly against the wall. He ducked behind the mast and did not squeal at all. He stayed hidden until the loud footfalls disappeared and another door was slammed open roughly. He had told Usopp having a meeting to discuss proper door use wouldn’t save Sunny’s woodwork. A second set of footsteps followed at a calmer more steady pace before he heard the second abused door close quietly.

 

He stayed hidden until he heard the soft click of the door to the men's cabin shutting, not because he was afraid but because this was a good hearty stretch for a groin injury, crouched down on the deck like this, the fact that he was behind the mast was just a coincidence… but his hammies were starting to burn and the rain was starting to fall a little more steadily and since the deck was perfectly silent this would be a super time to check on Brook before maybe taking the helm.

 

He stood with a stretch and almost bumped right into Robin.

He was SUPER cool about it.

 

“EEEEEEEEAHHHHH! - Hey sis did you hear that? Sounds like a spider has cook bro cornered, I’m gonna go check that out.”

 

Franky spun on his heel and made to leave when his manly speedo was pulled higher than he knew it could be between his ass cheeks.

 

“EEEEEEEEAHHHHH! – OK THAT ONE WAS ME! Dammit! Robin they’re still tender!” 

 

Turning around was a mistake, because once he did, he accidentally made eye contact with her. Now that was a super mistake. He had seen a lot of scary stuff out at sea, but making eye contact with her right now had made his blood run cold. He was super glad that she was on their side, but damn if he’d be fearing for his life right now.

After what felt like an eternity of silence, Robin finally spoke up, and he could barely hear her over the roar of the sea, but somehow her voice seemed to be the only thing that could be heard.

 

“I’m going to go take a long bath and then help Brooke man the ship . You watch over the crew. They’re in the boy’s cabin. I’ll be back.” Her voice was quiet, but it was powerful. There was no room to argue. She made a lot of valid points, so he’d do as he was told.   
  


“Y-you got it sis. Just don’t drag my boys into this again.” His hands going down to cover his crotch, just in case. 

 

Robin didn’t say anything, but simply nodded. He stood and listened as her heels clicked against the wood, stopping when she got on the grass. She looked back at him, her expression was still as cold and stern as ever. It took a moment before the gears clicked in his head. 

 

“Oh yeah! Sorry sis.” He took off back to the boys cabin for the sake of his man bits. Hopefully things would have calmed down a little?

  
Probably not, but it would be super nice if it had.


	29. Thursday: Rough Waters (ZoSan in the Can)

What little comfort he gained from having something sturdy to lean against while he wasn’t in the middle of dry heaving was effectively wiped away by the sheer force of the waves rocking the ship. This storm felt as though it had been happening for hours, he would have been heartbroken to find out that this hell he had been dealing with had in actuality only lasted half an hour or so.

With a groan, he rested his arms on the porcelain seat and pressed his forehead to his bicep staring down at the water in the bowl. He had mentally mocked Sanji earlier for wanting death to come and just end his suffering, but now he could understand where the guy was coming from. His insides clenched uncomfortably as he reluctantly gave up what little he had accumulated in his stomach effectively ruining his view. He reached up blindly groping for the handle and felt satisfied when his fingers finally grazed the cold metal. Although the satisfaction swirled out of him with the toilet water… he was Roronoa fucking Zoro, and he was pleased with himself for finding the strength to flush his vomit down the toilet. Oh how the mighty had fallen… But what he couldn’t understand was the fact that that damn cook was somehow completely recovered near instantaneously. This was bullshit if he’s ever seen it.

He peered over his shoulder to the blond reclining against the bathroom door. He seemed to be holding his head in both hands but he knew the dumbass was discretely covering his ears. The idiot had ash down the front of his shirt since his hands were far too busy to properly handle his cigarette.

“Cook.”

No response.

“Sanji.”

Nothing.

Zoro reached for the roll of toilet paper and lobbed it at the unresponsive man, smiling when he nailed Sanji right in the face with it. He was rewarded with a startled snort and some colorful language and flailing when his cigarette dropped onto the crotch of his sweatpants.

“What the fuck asshole!”

“What, did I throw that roll of toilet paper too hard there, prince eyebrows?”

He responded in kind when the shitty cook flipped him off with both hands. Sanji had followed him to offer some form of support. It had been the cook's suggestion to hide out in here after all but he was still probably about to get an earful concerning how he yarled in Robin’s boobs, even if it was indirectly and entirely an accident. There was a soft clink somewhere next to him and the strong smell of tobacco filled the room. A familiar raspy sigh he’d heard a hundred times let him know that a discussion was incoming. Whatever. This conversation could happen while he stared blankly into the mostly shadowed bowl.

“Man, the seat’s probably still warm from when Luffy sent Franky in here earlier to take a shit.”

It didn’t sound malicious which was curious considering who it was coming from but he couldn’t help thinking maybe the seat had already been warm when he had first thrown himself over the bowl.  The mental image was enough to get him retching. They were all too well acquainted with that hairy ass, and he already felt like shit without the mental image of practically being face to ass with the eccentric man.

At the very least he could revel in the fact that Sanji had also started gagging. Misery did enjoy company after all. He wasn’t sure if the idiot choking behind him had the sympathy heaves he came down with literally every time someone barfed, or if Sanji had gotten an image of his own face being intimate with their shipwright's ass. Either way it just felt fair.

“Shit, I didn’t mean to actually say that out loud. Sorry.” The chef coughed out, still recovering after his bout of dry heaving over the sink. He looked down at his squandered cigarette with a frown. The worst part about having no control over your gag reflex was all the wasted cigarettes. This one was probably still salvageable considering his stomach was definitely empty but while Luffy wasn’t much of a hand washer he found a lot of fucked up shit to do with the sink. Making sure there was no chance of the ship going up in flames he pitched it in the waste basket and lowered himself to the floor with a groan. He should have brought a blanket. He pulled a smoke from his sweats and lit it frowning at the strength it took to work his shitty little lighter before settling with his back against the door and his legs pulled up to his chest.

“So’d you have a reason for following me in here, or did you just come to be a pain in the ass.” He croaked out after a long silence. He hated how his voice echoed back at him in the toilet bowl, he sounded like crap.

Sanji took a long drag off his cigarette and rolled his neck to the side rubbing a sore spot on his shoulder. He looked the swordsman over through his stringy blonde hair. He was practically hugging the toilet bowl with his shoulder jammed between the wall and the bowl trying to combat the constant motion of the ship.

“Well you look like total shit right now, so I can only assume you feel worse. Robin deserves a break, and Franky has his hands full already, so you can deal with me or I can get Brook in here to harmonize with your moaning and serenade you as you hurl. I figured that you’d rather silent company right now.”

That was fair. Especially considering how he had babysat this fool for the past two days. He grunted in approval and went back to staring into the thankfully still clean water as he waited for this wave of feeling like shit to pass. It always did…eventually. He watched Sanji over his shoulder. He was smoking lazily and looked positively content. How could he be so unaffected by the ship being tossed around? Even lying flat on the floor he had found no relief. He watched the man’s eyes flutter closed his cigarette tucked loosely between two fingers and wrist perched atop his knee. He was fucking falling asleep.

Like hell that asshole was going to fall asleep without some fucking answers.

“Why the hell are you fine now?”

Sanji cracked an eye open and made an inquisitive noise.

Zoro scrubbed a hand down his face and growled in frustration. “This afternoon I was afraid we had sailed into the calm belt because the waters were so still and you threw up on my pants while you were laying in my lap. You are falling asleep sitting up in the middle of this bullshit weather and everyone else is throwing up into whatever they can reach and I want to know what the fuck is wrong with you?

Sanji stared at him blankly before passing him a glass of water he had brought in and managed to keep upright the entire time. “I hate to interrupt your pity party, but drink some of the water I brought you.” Zoro groaned as he turned away from the toilet, choosing instead to lean back against it slightly as he took the glass, taking small sips. He had a feeling that anything more probably wouldn’t sit right and he’d have to suffer for it.

The silence in the tiny bathroom seemed to last an eternity. It almost felt like time had stopped, because such moments on the ship were hard to come by. The only way to tell that time was passing at all was the sound of the waves and rain that was slowly fading into the background punctuated by the occasional drag the cook would take off his cigarette. He wished he was able to train right now, he always liked training with the sound of rain in the background, and it was usually soothing. He had to admit that even if he was able to drag his sorry ass to his feet the miraculously cured idiot chef would have stopped him before he even made it out of the door.

“The cigarettes help with the nausea.”

Zoro’s eyes darted to the blonde man blowing out a lungful of smoke while staring at the cigarette in his hand thoughtfully.

“The cigarettes… and rough seas always help me relax.”

The swordsman blinked stupidly trying to make sense of that last part.

“What kind of ass backwards logic is that shit cook?! Rough water equals danger you idiot! Do I need to be watching you in the future to make sure you aren’t falling asleep the next time we sail into a hurricane?!”

Sanji snorted at the stupid look on the swordsman’s face. “Like you have room to talk. I’ve seen you sleep through shit way worse than this. Besides, does it feel like we’re in danger right now?

No it didn’t. It was uncomfortable being jostled around but there was no immediate danger. Usually in weather like this the straw hats would be stowed away in the cabins tripping over Luffy’s blanket forts or gathered in the galley playing card games around the table. Usopp would be tinkering while Franky, Robin and he were being taken to the cleaners by Nami. Sanji would flutter around offering snacks and hot drinks before settling himself at the end of the table closest to the kitchen in case anyone needed anything. Now that he thought about it the Cook would sometimes startle when someone shouted over the outcome of a hand almost as if he had been deep in thought, or dozing off. He searched his memory and came up with a handful of incidents where he could recall the cook nodding off during a rowdy gathering, but only if the weather was unfavorable. He looked the chef up and down trying to fit these new pieces of information into the existing schema he had of the man.

Sanji stubbed out his cigarette against the porcelain of the sink wiping away the evidence and pulled his arms inside his t-shirt. It wasn’t really shocking considering the fact that he had been freezing the whole time he was sick, and now he had an actual reason to be. It was bullshit that he himself was drenched from the rain but still couldn’t cool off, but there was nothing he could do about it. His focus returned to the cook, who seemed to be ready to explain.

“You can’t run a dining room if all your customers are sea sick and spilling their wine all over the upholstery.” Sanji yawned and shuffled deeper into his shirt drawing his knees closer to his body. Zoro watched a content expression settle over his features as a warm smile that reached his eyes softened his face.

“When the old man deemed the weather shitty enough he would shut the place down. The cooks would spend the whole day in the kitchen experimenting with new dishes and singing sea shanties.” He chuckled softly and Zoro was floored by the bright smile directed at him. “Some of them were pretty dirty…whenever Zeff caught me singing along he would haul me to the sink and wash my fucking mouth out with soap… afterwards I’d wait until he got far enough away and I’d shout all the dirtiest words I knew and run as fast as I fucking could… and he’d always fucking catch me and rinse my mouth out all over again.” Sanji laughed weakly before breaking out into a coughing fit. He gestured for the water glass and the swordsman handed it over willingly.

“Everyone would stay up all night drinking and singing and it was always so fucking warm in there. I always tried to stay up all night and every time Zeff would end up carrying me to bed before midnight. The next morning he would let me sleep in while everyone else got up extra early to clean up from the night before all hungover and shit…and when I did wake up he would give me jobs where I got to make a lot of noise.” The cook continued to stare wistfully at nothing in particular caught up in fond memories.

“Long story short I’m not cured I just feel a little less awful so you can quit pouting about it.”

He wasn’t fucking pouting to begin with and he may have fought more about the accusation if he wasn’t so busy examining Sanji. There wasn’t really much else to look at in the room. He was still the same sickly pale colour he had been since this whole mess started. He had lost a shocking amount of weight considering the short amount of time they had been ill.

Seeing as he was starting to feel a little less like death was going to take him, he decided to ask about something that had been put off for long enough.

“Hey cook. I got a question for you.”

  
  


“Yeah? What is it?”

“Why won’t you eat?”

A familiar silence filled the room as he seemed to have struck a nerve. It wasn’t like he hadn’t expected this conversation to be like pulling teeth. The fucker had bitten him the last time it came up and talking about feelings was uncharted territory for the both of them.

“That’s a stupid question. You know how I feel about wasting food. I couldn’t keep anything down so what was the fucking point in eating it.”

 

“Then why aren’t you making a big deal about how everyone else is throwing up? It was a fucking seagull buffet out there earlier.”

“But that’s different. My job is to make sure everyone eats, I can’t just withhold food from people because they have a stomach bug, that’s unethical dumbass.”

“Well why are you excluded from everyone? If you aren’t eating you aren’t really doing your job are you shit cook?”

“I don’t want to talk about this moss head, we should get back to the bunkroom if you’re feeling better.”

“If you being sick is wasting food then none of us should be eating, because we’re no different. I don’t know why you’re thinking like this, and I’m not going to pretend like I understand. What I do know is that you not eating isn’t going to help anything.”

This got a reaction out of the cook. It seems as though he had finally realized he was painted into a corner. But that wasn’t going to stop him from trying to find an excuse. He sputtered and stammered in an attempt to find a suitable explanation for his actions.

“You’re not going to get better if you keep starving yourself. I don’t want to have to force feed you until you’ve decided you’re well enough to do it on your own but I will. It’s a pain in the ass but I will.”

“Would you let this go you don’t fucking understand.”

“Well then explain it to me because I’d fucking like to!”

“It’s not that easy!”

“Well is it so fucking hard to eat a piece of fucking toast cook?!”

“YOU DON’T THINK THIS IS FUCKING HARD FOR ME!?”

  
  


Sanji scrubbed at his hair and growled stubbing his cigarette out on the pristine floorboards not caring about the ass kicking he may receive. He hid his face in his hands trying to pull himself together enough to get the words out. H e looked like some sort of caged animal. Arguably more antsy that Luffy had been the entire time he had been kept from playing all his games, but more genuinely upset than whiney. And then it seemed as though the chef’s body had decided for him a good outlet for his frustration. It certainly wasn’t the most comfortable thing to see another man cry, but tears weren’t all that uncommon on this ship, and the situation was already tense and uncomfortable to begin with.

 

”I hate seeing food go to waste and everyone around me is throwing up everywhere before it has a chance to do them any good… and I think maybe if I could get into the kitchen I could come up with a solution- I could create something they could keep down, but I can hardly stand let alone cook and it's bullshit! It’s frustrating to watch food being wasted…but it’s fucking unbearable doing it myself… and what’s equally unbearable is not knowing when my next fucking meal will be because I’m not fucking strong enough to keep it down! Fuck! I’m not even fucking self-aware enough to know when it’s going to come back up! I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my fucking skin here Zoro I don’t need a lecture about it!”

Zoro wasn’t sure what to say. He knew there was a conflict of interest here for the cook but he wasn’t aware of how deeply affected he was about the whole ordeal. A shaky whisper pulled him from his thoughts.

“You don’t think this fucks me up Zoro? I can’t think about anything but starving to death while you’re waving fucking food in my face.”

The swordsman looked at the mess of a man huddled against the door. He looked ready to tear his hair out and  the tears only made just how raw and exposed he was all that more unbearable. He dragged his sorry ass to sit next to the blonde and forced himself under Sanji’s arm to rest his head against the others chest. His heart beat was too fast and he ignored the drip he felt land on his ear. He heard a raspy whisper but missed its meaning. He brought his arms around the shaky man and made a questioning grunt wordlessly asking him to repeat himself.

“I asked what you think you’re doing you idiot.”

“I don’t feel good. And my head hurts and I wanna barf but I can’t make myself do it anymore and I thought maybe you could just shut up and hold me for a while. You said you were going to be silent company right?”

The room was noiseless once more aside from the occasional sniffle. Sanji ran fingers through green hair and Zoro offered physical comfort while struggling with something helpful to say. He wanted to tell the cook that he wouldn’t force him to eat, that he would be there for him if he wanted to try and he would hold him together if he failed again. He would do whatever he needed to bring the cook even a little relief from the anxiety that was literally turning him inside out.

“I don’t need you to feed me. I can feed my own damn self.” Sanji grumbled. “Besides, I doubt there’s much you can do in this state. You look worse than I do….as soon as we get back to the bunk room I’ll get Brook to bring me something light.”

“Fair enough, though you better stay true to your word, you damn cook.”

“I am a man of my word, you bastard.”

“Good.”

Zoro smiled sensing things were settling back to normal. Feelings time was over and he was certain the man already knew everything he wanted to say anyways. There was no need to blurt it out embarrassing them both, not to mention the brawl that would have broken out to re-establish that they were manly men who did not cry or spout cheesy romantic bullshit and offer each other tissues. There was something he could do though… a piece of information he had been keeping to himself that maybe wasn’t his to keep.

“Hey cook.”

  
  
  


“What.”

“I figured something out that you’ll probably want to hear.”

A clink above his head and a deep inhale was all the warning he got before he was engulfed in a cloud of smoke.

“Well let’s hear it Marimo.”


	30. Thursday: during the Zosan talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> masturbation jokes ahoy

After all this was over, she was definitely going to appreciate the luxuries of the women’s quarters a lot more. She was positive that this room was never actually cleaned. The whole place smelled like sweat, vomit, and stale farts. When all this was over, she was going to make them clean this entire room from top to bottom. This whole place was a hazard.

  
  


The worst of it was emanating from the bunks, each seeming to have its own unique “flavor”. When she had been herded into the room and pushed towards them twenty minutes earlier she choked when she hit a solid wall of body odour, blood and oil with an undercurrent of steel and rancid meat. She flailed off the bed like she had been burned and dusted the reindeer fur from her body. It was beyond comprehension. She stood frozen unsure of what to do with herself before Usopp had flopped down onto a horror show of a mattress and given her a gentle shove in the direction of the bunks closest to the wall. She sent Usopp a dirty look before bending down to investigate. After an experimental sniff she had been immediately sure this was where Sanji spent most of his nights. It smelled of tobacco and the cologne he always wore. She sat carefully noting the absence of fur and overall crawly feeling the last one had given her.

She had just settled in when the awfulness had started. It was all a blur of vomit, screaming and tantrums. By the time they were empty and calm Franky was drying the last of his tears using the commotion as a cover for a good cry, Robin had disappeared for a much needed bath and Zoro and Sanji were AWOL.

Now it was eerily quiet. Usopp was reclining on what she had decided must be Zoro’s usual bunk while Chopper sniffled quietly above her. Luffy, against all reason and much protest had crawled into the bed above her, but facing Usopp setting the poor sniper on edge. Franky was picking up around the room stumbling and cursing whenever a rough swell would toss him into a wall earning snarky commentary from the captain.

She rolled her eyes and stretched out in the bed. She would never admit it aloud and not just because it would surely hurt Sanji’s feelings, but his bunk smelled nicer than the chef himself. He always wore just a bit too much cologne, probably in an attempt to mask the cloud of cigarette smoke he lived in. If they could get him to wear the amount of cologne clinging to his bedding on a regular basis he might find himself getting lucky with the women he was perpetually trying to woo at port. Of course there was another party who may object. She sat up slightly fluffing her stolen pillow and felt her arm brush over something rough. Rolling onto her side getting comfortable she examined the blemish on the sheet near her chest. Was it yogurt? She was pretty sure Sanji discouraged eating in bed, although Luffy clearly had objections to the rule considering his addition to the unique aroma. She picked at it absently being careful not to snag the fine fabric, these sheets were definitely an upgrade from everyone else’. It irritated her a little that they might be nicer than her own. She noticed more yogurt splashed up a little higher and frowned, Sanji clearly wasn’t innocent when it came to the state of the room either.

“When was the last time you guys changed your sheets, these beds are disgusting. Honestly, how do you even sleep in here?” She wasn’t really sure who she was complaining to, but it felt good to get it out there. She’d remember to bring it up again later when they could actually do something about it and she had the strength to enforce it.

“You personally know everyone who sleeps in here. The only way to get this room to not smell like a jock strap would be to find a way to get Luffy and Zoro to bathe more than once a week. These mattresses are giant sponges for stank.” Usopp complained from the comfort of his own bunk. “It doesn’t help how hot it can get in here...why, some nights it’s hotter than the most scorching of summer islands!”

“Look bro, there’s not much that can be done space wise. It helps on colder nights, doesn’t it? And it doesn’t even get that hot considering there’s six super manly men sleeping in here most nights. And if it is, it’s hot everywhere on the ship, not just in here.” Franky added in. “But if we’re talking about gross bunks, I probably wouldn’t pick that one sis.”

Nami frowned and brushed some of the dried up gunk she had dislodged with her fingernail onto the floor. “Why not? I mean it smells like cigarettes, but Sanji’s got the best hygiene out of all of you idiots, so why wouldn’t his bunk be the best choice? I don’t even want to know what I would find in Brook’s bunk, but he’d probably be my second choice, He’s a pervert but at least he’s not a sweaty animal.”

There was a kinda awkward silence.

She looked up to find Usopp and Franky giving her strange looks. The shipwright was sat on the back of the couch with his elbows resting on his thighs. His fingers were interlocked and he looked like he was holding something back, trying not to smile. Usopp’s eyes kept drifting down to the sheets she was resting on before he would bite his lip and meet her eyes again. It looked like he had something he wanted to say. She’d had enough of these idiots.

“Oh come on you guys he probably changes his sheets as often as me and Robin so that’s not a problem. And these are beautiful sheets!” Franky had gone all out and gotten them nice sheets to begin with but Sanji had always been free with his money when it came to fine things. She wasn’t surprised that he had upgraded and in this case she’d almost argue that it was worth it (though she could’ve probably gotten a better price had she been there).  She brushed off the soiled sheet again satisfied that the gunk was indeed coming loose but when she heard a few stifled chuckles she was immediately irritated. “I don’t see why you’re both giggling like idiots there is nothing wrong with Sanji’s bed!” Both men quieted but looked ready to explode.

Her only concern really was the yogurt that seemed to be splashed along the edge of the sheet. She wasn’t even sure how he had managed this. She was sure that even if Sanji had a snack in bed he would have been far too careful to have wasted any, that wasn’t his style. The more she thought about it the more she was sure it couldn’t be food. Maybe it was soap from the last time the sheets were laundered? That was unlikely considering how well the man took care of his belongings and the pattern was just so odd, almost like something had squirted. She ran her finger along the trajectory of the stain. If not food or soap then what the hell was-

“Oh my god this is semen...” She muttered shakily, jumping out of the bed and stumbling to the middle of the room where she would be touching as little as possible. Franky broke into uproarious laughter while Usopp had the decency to chuckle around an apology.  

“We’re all seamen, Nami. That’s what pirates are.” Luffy huffed, as if that were the problem in any way shape or form. The condescending tone he took made her blood boil, she had half a mind to clock him one right now had she been feeling better and had he not been just out of her reach.

“No semen, as in cum, jizz-”

“Manblast.”

Nami didn’t even have a good response. She just stared at Franky for an eternity without blinking because what the fuck.

“I mean- sorry ignore that last one sis, that one’s pretty gross, even though, you know, it’s pretty accurate.” Had she not still been in shock she may have called him out on the sincerity of his apology. It was after all coming from a man who openly welcomed being called a pervert.

“Manblast? Why didn’t you just say that instead of making it confusing? You really need to use the proper terms for things if you want people to know what you’re talking about Nami. ” Luffy lectured matter-o-factly.

“Yes Luffy, there was a man of the sea on that sheet thank you for clarifying that for me” Nami hissed making her way over to the table. She wasn’t taking another chance on those beds.

“A man of the sea who got his little men on the sheets! Franky! Go get Brook! I have a song idea for him!”

She stopped and turned giving her captain the coldest glare she could muster. Franky clapped a hand on her shoulder, partially to keep her from killing anyone. “Oh come on, what did you expect, I mean you did crawl into Sanji’s bunk.” There was silence, and then a few snickers. It might’ve been a little mean, but it was good natured teasing.

“Still, I thought that he’d at least do it somewhere else. Why not the bathroom?” There weren’t many other places that were really appropriate for…that activity. She would prefer they didn’t do it at all on the ship actually.

“We have rules about it we aren’t just a bunch of animals Nami jeez.” Usopp seemed honestly offended.

“Ya sis you don’t just whip it out in the middle of a conversation and start abusing your tool. If you need some alone time during the day we knock before we open the door so you’ve got enough time to get your pants on. If you’re going at it and happen to encounter another dude in the throes of self-love you don’t face each other…unless it’s a group thing then whatever.”

“You can’t be serious-”

“And of course at night we are trying to sleep and it’s hard to sleep when the dude next to you is full on making love to himself so the rule is stealth. If the need is there you jerk it like a ninja and if you get caught then you deal with the consequences.”

“Ya if you get caught we get to yell out the special attack names I came up with for everyone so you know you’re busted!”

“What?.. You do not...”

“Haha, yeah we do. Sanji’s is parfait shot and Zoro’s is one sword style: baby maker.” Luffy snickered, finding no shame in this gross and weird ritual they had. She looked over to Usopp because please tell me he didn’t have one. The sniper looked sheepish and couldn’t make eye contact.

“Special attack: yogurt star.”

“Coup de goo.” Franky blurted out, before he could be cornered into saying it.

This was absolutely a nightmare and she couldn’t decide what was worse, the fact that this was a thing that was occurring on the ship or that they all had terrible cringe worthy names for it.

“Do I even want to know what Brook and Luffy’s are?” She wasn’t even going to bring up Chopper in this mess because she didn’t even want to think about him doing stuff like that.

“Me and Brook can’t because of our devil fruit powers so we don’t get to have one and Chopper refuses to play with us.” Luffy seemed to deflate with each detail. Clearly being unable to take a more active role in the “group activities” was disappointing.

She couldn’t help feeling relief at that. She didn’t know if she could handle another awful name and knowing innocent Chopper wasn’t participating in the debauchery was definitely a weight off her shoulders. She couldn’t imagine looking into that sweet face knowing he was involved in…all of this.

“Great, this is all fascinating now let’s not talk about it ever again. She took a seat at the table with her back to everyone but didn’t need to see their faces to know that she had not chosen wisely. The sound of all the idiots behind her sucking in a breath through their teeth was all she needed. She didn’t require Choppers explanation. “Nami that’s where the guys go to finish up after they’ve been busted. They clean up after themselves but I’m not sure how well. You aren’t wearing shoes are you?”

This was the worst day of her life.

“…At the fucking table? Are you all fucking kidding me? Do any of you have any couth at all!??!” She knew her voice was getting shrieky but she couldn’t help it at this point.

Luffy’s laughter cut through her rage. “ Hey you guys remember when Sanji got busted and he finished while he was flipping us all the bird with both hands? How did he even do that?” Up until now her Captain’s laughter had always been such a pure sound.

“There’s an angle you guys can get against the bottom of the table but cleanup is super un-”

“ENOUGH!”

She squirmed her legs out from under the table careful not to touch anything before standing and facing these fucking idiots that were unfortunately her family. “Which bunk is Brook’s?” She didn’t even care that there was a chance she was going to find panties under his pillow, hell the whole mattress was probably stuffed with them. It was a bed that she knew was semen free and that’s all she wanted right now.

“It’s the one next to Usopp’s. And you shouldn’t shame the guys about this. Masturbation is completely natural and an easily controllable way for the male body to get rid of-”

  
  


“I know about masturbation Chopper. It doesn’t make semen any less disgusting or the fact that they have attack names when they do it any less lame. This conversation is over, you are all pigs and I’m going to sleep.”

She flopped down on the bed and silently seethed when panties exploded out of the pillowcase. There wasn’t even a fucking pillow in there. She stormed back to Sanji’s bunk and whipped the pillow at Usopp who squawked in a manly fashion when it nailed him right in the face. “Check that. If I find one crusty spot I’ll make you eat it.” He had the decency to look nervous as he ran his hands over the pillow examining it for anything unsavory. Once deemed fit for human contact he handed it to Nami who snatched it before collapsing in Brooks bed with a huff.

This was the worst possible outcome, and she just wanted to sleep this out until it was over. She was just going to do her best to repress the fact that this conversation happened so she could continue to look her friends in the face without….remembering this.

“Hey Nami. Don’t tell Sanji I told you about the parfait shot thing. Cause he’ll take away my meat privileges forever if he finds out.”

“Luffy I am trying to forget about it. Now shut up!”

“Great! Thanks Nami.”

“…”

“…”

“Hey Nami?” Her captain’s voice was accompanied by a poke to her cheek.

“What the hell is it Luffy.”

“I know you can’t play with us but I could make cool attack names for you and Robin so you guys can play together and then maybe you won’t feel so left out!”

“Please don’t” she sighed. She just had to ignore him now, it couldn’t get worse at least.

“Luffy I’m gonna have to side with Nami on this one, it’s kind of just a game us dudes are into.” Franky muttered thoughts clearly elsewhere.

“I doubt the girls even do it Luffy.” Usopp muttered rolling his eyes.

“Females definitely masturbate Usopp it’s natural for all humans.” Chopper added sleepily.

“Franky what are some different words for girl parts?”

“Alright guys it’s about time you all took naps!”

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief except Luffy who was mentally running through his vocabulary. It took two minutes. Two minutes of mumbling and hard thought before their captain shot up in his bed.

“Clam tempo!”

They tried so hard to stay quiet for her sake. Usopp broke first snorting into his pillow.  Before long all three men were in hysterics while Nami plotted murder and Chopper dozed above them.

“Now I just need one for Robin!”

A familiar laughter startled everyone. They all scrambled to find the owner of the voice who was chuckling behind her hand. Her hair was still damp from her bath and she was sipping a cup of something warm seated at the table facing them. All the color drained from Franky’s face because he sure as hell hadn’t heard her come in and there was no telling how long she had been in there. She smiled at him dangerously and he got that same flutter in his gut that made him wonder if he should be in bed the same as everyone else.

“I only just arrived.” She took a sip of her drink. “But I’ve been keeping an eye on you to make sure everything was alright.” She stood carefully and the way she touched hardly any part of the table made Franky squirm. She stepped towards the cyborg and rested a hand on his broad shoulder. “I told Brook I would be back after I checked up on all of you, is there anything you need?”

He looked into her eyes and for a moment was sure he was malfunctioning. He made a few incoherent sounds before she smiled and patted his cheek. “It looks like everyone is behaving themselves here, why don’t you step out with me for a moment? Some of our crates have shaken themselves loose and we could use your help getting the ship back in order. It would be a shame if we all recovered from this bug only to starve to death because our supplies were destroyed.” He knew it was an awful morbid thing to say but he couldn’t wipe the stupid smile off his face. As long as he kept smiling maybe everything would be alright. Maybe she hadn’t heard everything, because it had been funny when it was everyone else, but when he thought of Robin knowing about the dumb shit he took part in…

“Yeah these guys were just about to get some rest! Oh shit…Zoro and Sanji-”

“They’re both fine. It’s lucky they weren’t around wasn’t it?” She was giving him that smile again, and he was starting to feel a little sweaty under his shirt. He followed her to the door but she stopped with her hand on the handle.

“Oh Captain?”

“Luffy perked up at his name. “Yeah?”

Robin turned to look Franky dead in the eyes. “Dos Fleur: Rub.”

She turned the knob and stepped out into the rain leaving the door open for him to stare into the dark. Underneath his captains boisterous laughter he could hear Nami’s indignant mutterings and Usopp’s whispered “Oh no she did not!”

But above all else was the sound of his tangerines screaming as they crawled up safely inside his body.


	31. Thursday: Post Splooge chat

It was weirdly quiet in the cabin. Usopp and Nami had gone to sleep, and Franky had run off in an attempt to find Sanji and Zoro, so right now it was only him and Chopper awake. And silence was never a good thing. It was boring and lame, but Nami and Usopp were asleep and he’d just get in trouble if he woke them up so that meant he was basically alone with his thoughts. He watched as Chopper did his best to check up on Nami and Usopp without looking like he was doing so (Even if there was no one here to bust him right now).   
  
  
He lay in his bunk frowning. He didn’t feel good and not in the “I’m gonna spew” way. It was different. This felt bad everywhere. After poking around inside himself he came to the realization that he definitely probably wasn’t gonna spew, he was feeling guilty.  So far Franky, Robin, and Brook had done so much to help them, and they hadn’t done anything to help repay their kindness at all. And seeing as though he was feeling better, it was about time he did something about that. Chopper already seemed to have the taking care of sick people covered, and he wasn’t allowed in the kitchen so he couldn’t help out there. He wasn’t well enough to man the ship and there was nothing to protect it from at the moment.   
  
  
He hummed quietly while brainstorming different ways to be useful to his remaining healthy crew. Chopper checked him over quickly but moved on when he recognized Luffy’s thinking noises. All the basics were covered and anything he was good at just didn’t seem important. Something told him fishing in this weather would only get him in trouble and starting a rousing game of tag was out considering everyone was throwing up everywhere.   
  
  
That was it!    
  
  
They had been sick for days and he had personally thrown up on nearly everything and everyone, and that wasn’t even mentioning Sanji’s handiwork. The whole ship and everyone on it was super gross! Franky and Robin had been hosing things off but they weren’t even using soap… and there was one thing he had learned living on this ship.   
  
  
  
‘If you didn’t use soap it doesn’t fucking count. Get back in the tub Luffy.’   
  
  
  
This ship needed a good scrub. And while cleaning jobs really stunk, he was prepared to take one for the team. He didn’t have much experience cleaning up but he had watched Sanji do the dishes before. He scrubbed with soap and water and then rinsed.   
  
  
He was going to need a lot of soap.   
  
  
He would definitely start with the deck. It made perfect sense since it was raining and that meant nature would rinse for him and that was definitely the most boring part of the job. He would have to do it really fast because Franky had been a grump all day and he would probably make him go lay down or something equally boring. The guy really needed to learn how to accept help when it was offered to him.   
  
  
He thought about asking Chopper for assistance but decided this was definitely a solo mission. Nami was right, the boy’s cabin was pretty gross and wet reindeer smell would definitely make it way worse. Now he would have to be sneaky too. He frowned remembering his old friend but quickly recovered. It wasn’t the time to be missing his pal. If he wanted to get passed Chopper he was going to have to think like a beetle…and beetles stayed low to the ground.   
  
  
He kicked off his sandals knowing he was a much better sneaker without shoes. He reached towards the floor inconspicuously dropping onto his head. So far so good, now he just had to get the other half of him down. His legs followed with an ungraceful thud. He peaked around for the little doctor and caught sight of him perched up on Usopp’s bed probably in the midst of a checkup totally unaware that Luffy was out of bed. This was going fucking awesome. He opted to roll across the floor deeming it his quietest sneaking method. Chopper watched fascinated as his captain finally made it to the door and managed to open it with his feet squirming outside into the rain with a quiet “Yessss.”   
  
  
  
  
  
He laid on the deck and squinted against the raindrops pelting his face. It was getting darker as the storm clouds took over the sky. He would have to hurry before he lost the light. His first matter of business was to gather as much soap as he possibly could. He knew he couldn’t use the fancy girly soap because he would definitely get in trouble… He shuddered imagining a trouble more scary than angry Grandpa or losing meat privileges. Not to mention he didn’t want his ship to smell all girly. He frowned realizing he wouldn’t be able to use Sanji’s soap either. Come to think of it Robin might still be in the bath. He was going to have to make all the soap in the bathroom and kitchen stretch. There was plenty of hand soap in the bathroom and a whole bunch of crud under the kitchen sink that was fair game. It was lucky cause both places were real close to each other. The bathroom was nearest so that would be his first target.   
  
  
He rolled onto his belly before pulling himself to his feet. He ran, bare feet slapping on the deck, towards the bathroom. His arm stretched forward trying the knob. He had a second to process that it was locked before he slammed face first into the door. He heard muffled cursing from the other side and sat up rubbing his face with a whine. He heard some shuffling from the other side and what sounded like someone grabbing blindly for the knob. A second later there was a click and the door opened a crack.   
  
  
He rolled forward onto his knees and pushed the door open carefully until it hit something and there was more cursing. He poked his head around the door and was met with an unusual sight. Sanji was leaning against the wall right beside the door looking confused and half-awake with Zoro held closed to his chest. They were all backwards.  His swordsman blinked at him blearily before moaning and burying his face into the cook’s shoulder clearly distressed at having been woken.   
  
  
“Oops, sorry Sanji, Zoro. Just here for the soap.” His arm was already in there, grabbing at the bottle on the counter and then digging around the shelved for spares. He looked his two crewmates over and when he was sure that they were both ok he decided it wouldn’t hurt to leave them be. When all the soap and soap looking bottles had been pilfered he squeezed himself back out the door, reaching back inside at the last second to grab the toilet bowl brush as an afterthought.   
  
  
“Luffy what the hell are you-” The door clicked shut cutting of the rest of whatever that was going to be, but he didn’t have time to just stand around and chat. He was a man on a mission. He unscrewed the lids and started pouring the soaps all around the edges of the lawn where much of the carnage had taken place. He hesitated at the grass. Could you wash grass with soap? His thinking hum accompanied the rainfall as he tried to remember if anyone had ever washed the lawn. If they hadn’t that would be pretty gross. Everyone who might know was asleep or against him. He could ask Sanji… he washed a lot of vegetables and that was close to grass… but he wasn’t talking to him right now. Unexpectedly words he had heard a thousand times floated through his head.   
  
  
  
“A little soap never killed anyone you shitty rubber idiot.”   
  
  
  
That settled that and he dumped his remaining bottle into the grass. He was running out of time so he needed to multitask. He started scrubbing the deck with the toilet brush as his other arm stretched up and into the galley. He’d have to be very careful about this, and be very sneaky in case Brook was back inside.   
  
  
This multitasking thing was hard, like rubbing your head and patting your belly at the same time. This was going to take all of his skills to manage. His hand that was working the soap in with the toilet brush was kinda also doing the same motions as the arm working in the kitchen, but that was okay. In fact it was working great. It felt like he was just flailing around knocking over bottles but he always managed to grab onto one, it was almost as if someone was putting them right in his hand so he must be doing something right.    
  
  
Realizing he was making a muddy mess of the lawn he moved on to collect his goods pilfered from the kitchen leaving nature to clean up that mess. He shifted his focus to the stairs and upper decks making sure to get the stairs nice and sudsy. Bubbles meant it was working and in 15 minutes he had managed to coat all the wood in a thick layer of them. He should really get assigned more cleaning jobs because he was great at this. Now he just needed to soap up the lawn and wait for nature to rinse all the gross away.   
  
  
  
He dumped everything he had left into the grass quickly realizing the fastest way to make bubbles was with his feet. He slid back and forth across the lawn kicking muddy foam everywhere. By the time he was finished it looked like the ship was coated in a fresh albeit muddy blanket of snow. He stood back to look over his work, proud of himself for accomplishing what he had set out to do. The rain was slowly washing away the foam leaving patches of ship visible. He eyed the empty bottles strewn across the deck and decided he was much too tired to deal with them now. He had done well and deserved a nap.   
  
  
A sharp exhale from above caught his attention and he looked up a floor to see his shipwright gazing slack jawed at his handiwork with utter disbelief.   
  
  
  
“Luffy, bro, what the he-” He was cut short as he lost his footing at the top of the stairs and slid down the rest of the way on his butt.   
  
  
  
“Careful, I just cleaned so it’s still wet and slippery.” He warned, after the fact. It probably still counted. Franky groaned, rubbing his ass a little before taking a deep breath in.   
  
  
  
“Luffy. Bro. What the fuck- I mean how- why?”   
  
  
  
“I figured I’d clean up a little while you were gone. You guys have been so busy taking care of us I thought I’d help out a little.” Luffy gushed excitedly while brandishing his toilet brush.   
Franky bent down picking up discarded containers and reading the labels. “Where did you get all of this? Is this all the soap on the ship? And- Luffy this is toothpaste, did you use all of our toothpaste?! Why would you- Luffy where did you find lube?!”   
  
  
  
“Don’t worry about it Franky! You can relax now everything is under control.” The sunny smile Luffy sent his way killed any harsh words he had in him. He felt the fight leave him all at once and the ruined lawn and lubed-up stairs was quietly added to his list of shit to do when everyone was well again.   
  
  
  
“I know you’re trying to help, but I just need you to go back to bed. I still gotta find Sanji and Zoro and you’re-”   
  
  
  
“Oh, they’re just right in there.” Luffy said, pointing to the bathroom under the stairs. I think they were sleeping, they weren’t fighting or anything.   
  
  
  
Franky just stared towards the stairs before sighing in relief. He had been starting to worry. He smiled tiredly at his oblivious captain, ruffling the boy's soaking wet hair and taking his cleaning tool.   
  
  
  
“Thanks bro, now I want you to go inside and get into some dry clothes and then get back into bed. Don’t do anything else. I’ll round up these two and if you aren’t in bed by the time I come back with them I’m gonna build something to contain you. Got it?”   
  
  
  
Luffy nodded before heading towards the cabin.   
  
  
  
“And then I’ll find a way to deal with this mess” he muttered quietly.   
  
  
  
Luffy stopped and looked at his friend with a puzzled expression. “But it’s raining. That means it’ll take care of itself.” And then as if on cue, the rain stopped.   
  
  
  
Luffy’s lips curled inwards as he looked away to avoid the trouble he was no doubt in. Franky heaved a sigh that sounded a lot more tired than before.   
  
  
  
“Oops.”   
  
  
  
“Please Luffy, go back to bed.”   
  
  
  
“Kay!”   
  
  
  
And for the love of- quit taking off your damn bucket!”


	32. Thursday: Still Stuck in the Cabin

  
The rain had stopped but the ship continued its violent rocking. After Franky had retrieved them from the bathroom everyone had hunkered down and an awkward silence settled over everyone. He chewed the filter of his cigarette thoughtfully. Something had happened here. Nami looked angry but so beautiful! But she seemed flustered, embarrassed almost with her cheeks flushed and her perfect lips in that perfect pout...he just wanted to-   
  
  
  
“Fucker!” He hissed slapping a hand over the new bald patch on his leg. He glared down at the bastard curled up underneath the table. “What the fuck was that for?” He rubbed the spot gingerly while Zoro blew the stray hairs from his fingers. The swordsman swallowed thickly from his spot on the floor giving the cook an unimpressed look. “I know that face, that’s your idiot face, I’m already nauseous so don’t fucking start” he spat quietly.    
  
  
  
“Your face is making me nauseous”   
  
  
  
“Well your face is making everyone nauseous!”   
  
  
  
“Bros you’re flirting is what’s making everyone nauseous so can you dial it back a little?”   
  
  
  
Sanji had the decency to blush but refrained from cursing them all out. A lady was present after all. He slid off the bench onto the floor when Luffy started making kissy noises. He was over these assholes. Being under the table wasn’t ideal, they all knew the kind of crap that happened there, but if memory served he was the last to ‘sit’ at the table. He was always thorough with cleanup and went above and beyond to erase anything sleazy that took place above and below so he ignored any snarky looks and got comfortable. Zoro scrambled out of the way of the cooks long legs, cursing when his head cracked against the table above him. They shoved back and forth before Zoro finally threw an arm around Sanji’s middle and found a comfortable spot resting against the other man’s chest.   
  
  
“Stop moving or else- just stop moving.” Zoro mumbled. Sanji immediately settled down passing a stray bucket under the table. It was accepted with a grunt but thankfully set aside for emergencies. The cook tipped his head back against the seat of the bench before lighting up a new cigarette, practicing his smoke rings while absently scratching his fingers through mossy hair.    
  
  
  
“It’s weird in here cook.”   
  
  
  
“Hmm.”   
  
  
  
Through a fall of blonde hair he observed the rest of the crew. Franky looked almost bashful, a word he never thought would describe the man. He would occasionally clear his throat and scrub his hands over his face muttering as if he were reliving something embarrassing over and over. Usopp seemed thoroughly horrified and was playing with the handle of his bucket glancing nervously around the room but never holding eye contact with anyone. Chopper on the other hand was making consistent scary eye contact with only the cook. He inhaled deeply, eyelids fluttering before releasing a lungful of smoke with an exaggerated breathy sigh.   
  
  
  
“Stop torturing Chopper.”   
  
  
  
“Stop pressing on my bladder.”   
  
  
  
“We were in the bathroom for half an hour, why didn’t you piss then?”   
  
  
  
“Because the second you peeled your ass face off the seat you glued yourself to me.”   
  
  
  
They shoved back and forth before Zoro called for a truce sounding seriously on the verge of hurling. They sat quietly together, Zoro fighting his nausea and Sanji trying not to fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his hand. Only one succeeded. Zoro startled when something dropped onto his head and rolled off settling in the crook of his neck and burning like a mother fucker. He jumped smashing his head under the table for a second time. While Sanji gracefully snorted himself awake Zoro flicked the now extinguished butt into the idiots face. He scrubbed ash from his vibrant green hair and scowled at the dazed blonde before getting back to business.   
  
  
“So?”   
  
  
  
“…”   
  
  
  
“What do you think happened while we were gone curly?”   
  
  
Sanji yawned and stretched a little while looking around the room to see if anything had changed. “Well, everyone’s uncomfortable except Chopper and Luffy. Chopper doesn’t seem to give a fuck and Luffy’s downright giddy so my guess is something to do with a gross bodily function that Luffy found hilarious.” Zoro rolled that around in his head while the cook rubbed at his eyes. That was a solid deduction except for one detail.   
  
  
  
“But Franky’s embarrassed…”   
  
  
  
“Yeah…that’s new.”   
  
  
  
Both men sat quietly contemplating what kind of fucked up shit it would take to make Franky blush. Zoro was slowly turning green while Sanji’s face and neck flushed brilliantly their thoughts clearly taking different paths.   
  
  
“You know it probably doesn’t matter.”   
  
  
“Yeah.”   
  
  
They settled into another comfortable silence, at least as comfortable as it could be under the circumstances. Sanji tipped his head back against the bench and sighed. His whole body felt stiff and the constant discomfort was starting to wear on him. His back had no support in the position he was in and Zoro’s weight was putting unnecessary stress on his spine. He twisted a little hoping maybe a new position would give him some relief. What he wasn’t expecting was the pressure on his chest to shift, one of Zoro’s large calloused hands moving to his hip while the other pressed firmly to the small of his back. The swordsman gave a quick jerk and Sanji moaned softly as his whole spine seemed to realign. He was pleased when he realized those hands were still gently working against his hips.   
  
  
  
“Better?”   
  
  
  
“Mmmh yes… Can you maybe lift my left hip a little I feel like it might-” Sanji gasped drowning out the audible pop. Zoro stilled. “Was that a good or bad sound cook? I couldn’t tell that time.”    
  
  
  
“S’good asshole keep doing that…”   
  
  
  
  
  
Franky frowned down at the table. He wasn’t sure what was going on under there but it didn’t sound good…Well it actually did sound good which was super bad. He looked up when the door opened, Robin entering with a tray of bland refreshments. He began to panic a little when her first stop was the horn dogs under the table. He watched Sanji’s head loll towards her offering weak words of praise and a sleepy smile and in exchange she handed him a piece of toast on a plate. The blond looked at the plate like it might bite him in the balls. After what seemed like some pathetic pleading with Robin and a brief consult with the swordsman camped out under the table the archeologist took half of the toast and left the two to work out the rest.   
  
  
  
Franky kept his eyes on the pair waiting for them to start up their shenanigans again so he could pounce. He choked when a rapidly cooling piece of bread was shoved into his mouth. Robin patted him on the back lightly in case he was actually in danger. “May I ask what it is we are waiting for?” She asked stepping up beside him. He chewed quickly so he could answer without spraying crumbs in her face but just as he swallowed Sanji released another suggestive noise. He gave Robin a pointed look and got ready for a super awkward time.   
  
  
“Alright hands where I can see them Zoro!”   
  
  
  
“…What?”   
  
  
  
“I know what’s going on down there man.”   
  
  
  
“…Alright…then I’m actually pretty comfortable so I think I’ll stay here?”   
  
  
  
“No way, you’ve got Cook bro purring like a kitten under that table. Come on out man, don’t make me drag you out.   
  
  
  
“What the Fuck Franky!”   
  
“He has me what?!”   
  
  
  
“Don’t play cute with me dudes, I’ve got enough to deal with and you’re doing enough gagging without putting anything else in your mouths.” Sanji was sputtering indignantly and he could hear Zoro swearing under the table.   
  
  
Zoro reached out his arms waving his hands where Franky could see him. “Can you leave me alone now?”   
  
  
  
“Bro everyone knows you can talk with your mouth busy.”   
  
  
  
The room broke out in a chorus of unimpressed groans, everyone now supplied with mental images they never asked for. Sanji covered his face with his hands melting into a puddle of mortification while Zoro was audibly growling under the table.   
  
  
  
“If Zoro actually had a mouthful of dick Sanji would be yelling at him for talking with his mouth full” Luffy offered helpfully.    
  
  
Usopp frowned clearly disagreeing. “I’m not sure that’s what he’d be yelling about Luffy.”    
  
  
His captain rolled his eyes before flopping back onto his bed. “Sanji always yells when someone talks with their mouth full.”   
  
  
“Uh… I think this is different.”   
  
  
Luffy huffed. “Man meat, regular meat, who cares! Someone better be getting in trouble.”   
  
  
  
“Oh someone is definitely in trouble Luffy. I’m separating you two starting right-”   
  
  
Robin stepped in front of the shipwright. “Are you sure it’s wise to disturb them?” Upon seeing the horrified expression on Franky’s face she decided to explain herself. “I’m not suggesting we leave them to satisfy each other in front of a captive audience. Zoro isn’t handling the weather well and Sanji is a comfort to him. Neither are causing trouble and they’ve proven to be easier to manage together.”   
  
  
“But Robin they’re-”   
  
  
“You’ve assumed they were up to no good. Our cook is quite vocal, he makes similar sounds while smoking in the morning alone on deck and never once have I assumed he was being pleasured.”    
  
  
Franky’s eyes darted around the room looking for any sign that Robin had been heard. Sanji wasn’t crying, Nami wasn’t screaming, and Luffy wasn’t asking awkward questions so hopefully they were in the clear. He sighed looking at the pair. Sanji was clearly trying to hold back pleased noises but he also saw flashes of pain across his face. Either Zoro needed a little more sword practice…or he had been a super asshole and jumped to conclusions.   
  
  
He looked at Robin guiltily. “They’re just being regular nice to each other under there aren’t they?”   
Robin offered him her kindest ‘you’re an idiot’ look.    
  
  
Franky turned to the rest of the crew who had unwillingly been dragged into this shit show. “Alright you guys it was a false alarm! There’s no show here, everyone can just chill out.” Amidst the exasperated sounds of his crew his captain stood out.   
  
  
  
“There was gonna be a show? Aww man…”   



	33. Thursday: Midafternoon

Sanji, tired of the heavy awkward atmosphere, decided it was as good a time as any to get some sleep. He closed his eyes with the swordsman following suit. Chopper quit seething soon after the smoking ceased and Nami was quiet, probably thinking up how she would charge them for her mortification. Even Franky seemed to have come to terms with what had happened before he had left with Robin to evaluate the state of the deck. But of course as everyone settled down Luffy moved in the opposite direction getting more restless.   
  
  
  
  
“This is boring.”   
  
  
“…”   
  
  
“When can we go outside?”   
  
  
“…”   
  
  
“We need a story.”   
  
  
“…”   
  
  
“You guuuuuuyyyyyys…”   
  
  
  
The sniper sighed knowing where this was going to end up. When things got really boring on the ship, there was only one person who the crew could turn to in times of great need like this (when Brook was busy with other things like keeping the kitchen in the same condition that Sanji left it in), and that was the Great Captain Usopp. He was the master of weaving tales, and there was no other who could even come close to telling stories half as good as his. There was simply no competing.    
  
  
The only problem was that all of his classic Usopp original stories had already come true. His life was now as unbelievable as the stories that he told. That wasn’t good for someone of his position. How could he be expected to tell tales of grandeur if the Grandline was already so weird that it made it possible for all of his unbelievable lies to be unbelievable truths? That was just rude.   
  
  
He didn’t even feel up for this right now. He felt as if the cold hand of death could grab him at any moment and whisk him off to the underworld before he could fulfil his dream of being a great warrior of the sea. He surely wasn’t going to heaven, because he was part of the crew that had taken down god. If hell was even half as bad as this, then it was going to be a long eternity.    
  
He’d have to tough it out, and will himself better. Ignore the pain and stay strong for the crew. They needed him after all. How would they live without more stories from the Great Storyteller Usopp?   
  
  
  
“So you gonna tell us a story or not?” An impatient Luffy whined.   
  
  
  
“I’m trying to think of a really good story for you guys. One I have never told before.” Now this was going to be tricky to pull off. He could only hope that they couldn’t remember all the stories he’d already shared with them. He might try and just take the easy way out by telling the crowd’s favourite kind of story. That sounded like a good plan. And if it wasn’t they were a captive and temporarily incapacitated audience so whatever.   
  
  
“It’s not a story about me, but rather a story about Sniperking. You see, him and I were crewmates long ago when I first set out sailing, when I was better known as the Great Captain Usopp. We shared countless tales as we sailed these seas. This was by far one of the odder tales that he told me, but given his reputation, I take his word to be true.   
  
  
You see in his younger years, Sniperking wasn’t quite the sharpshooter he is today. In fact, he was rather the opposite. He’d often go home in tears because he could never live up to the reputation that his father left for him. They were big shoes to fill after all. But one day, a Hercules beetle came and landed on his slingshot.   
  
  
  
`What seems to be the problem there, m’boy?` the beetle asked.   
  
  
“I’m not a good shot at all. I’ll never be as good as my dad, Sniper emperor. “Boo hoo hoo” cried the boy.”    
  
  
  
He swallowed against whatever was trying to crawl up his throat. He could feel himself getting worse. This was surely the end. Struck down in the middle of what would’ve surely been a great epic that rivaled the books that Robin enjoyed. Truly a tragedy. He looked into the hopeful shiny eyes of his audience, at least the two who were listening and he knew he had to go on. This could not be the end of his tale. Not now, he had come so far. He had to finish what he started. His captain was depending on him. He was not going to let his captain down. Not when this was surely a story so great it was going to cure them of this horrendous disease.    
  
  
  
“`If that’s what you’re worried about, then allow me to mentor you! You may refer to me as Master Hercules. `   
  
  
`Oh boy! Really? ` Asked the young Sniperking. No one had taught him how to shoot before. Sniper emperor was always off on great campaigns for the glory of Sniper Island, so that meant that there was no time to train the boy.    
  
  
`Now why would I lie to you m’boy. Now meet me back here at dawn tomorrow, and then shall your training begin. `   
  
  
`Oh wow, thanks Master Hercules! You’re the best! `   
  
  
`I know, now rest up. You’ll have a full day of training ahead of you, m’boy. ` ”   
  
  
  
  
This was it. Any moment death was going to claim him. This story was going to end before he could even start it really. A waste of a story, and a waste of his talent. He could see the light.   
  
  
Wait no, he wasn’t dying. That would be too merciful a fate. He instead hauled up his bucket and hurled with as much grace as he could muster. He didn’t feel any better, and he was going to be stuck feeling like this probably forever as some sort of punishment for a crime that he was obviously unjustly accused of. Maybe this was really some holy retribution for their actions on Skypiea?   
  
  
  
“So what happens next?” Luffy impatiently whined again. He didn’t want to finish this story and knew he couldn’t properly finish this story but he could throw something together.   
  
  
  
“And so Master Hercules trained the young Sniperking and he became the hero that everyone knows and loves today, and Usopp had a nap, the end.” He was already lying down and wrapping himself in his blanket. This was no doubt a decision that he would come to regret, but Robin and Franky were on deck surveying the damage and would be back soon, so this would soon be more their problem than his.   
  
  
  
“That’s a really dumb way to end a story. Do it again!” The child of a captain demanded.   
  
  
  
“Didn’t I just say `and Usopp had a nap`?”     
  
  
  
“You can’t just end a story like that!”   
  
  
  
“Watch me.”   
  
  
He would try to finish the story properly later, but for now he needed to save his strength. This whole mess was tiring and he wasn’t even the one left in charge of this train wreck. Should by some miracle he recover from this, he’d be sure to help out in some way.   
  
  
But in the meantime it was time for him to rest. Maybe if he wished it really hard, he’d be better when he woke up, and this hell would be over. He was just falling asleep when the door slammed open Franky bursting in with a slightly crazed smile on his face.   
  
  
  
  
“Alright kiddies! Grab your crap and let’s go back outside! The sun is shining and it is SUPER out here! Watch your step it’s a little slippery but it smells like flowers and cherry lube!”   
  
  
  
“Lube?”   
  
“Oh my god you guys.”   
  
“Cough cough, why would any of us have lube?”   
  
“That shit was expensive…”   
  
“I hate cherry flavor.”   
  
  
  
“Enough chit chat let’s go!”   
  
  
Luffy was off like a shot while Nami helped Chopper down a little more gracefully. Usopp tried to disappear under the covers. Maybe Franky wouldn’t notice he was still here. He peeked out from under the blanket and saw that the shipwright was currently distracted helping Sanji coax Zoro out from under the table. They weren’t succeeding. If he could fall asleep quickly maybe Franky would leave him be. He could have the whole room to himself! It would be glorious! Brook would write melodies trying to recreate the peace he would experience in this room all by-   
  
  
  
“Ha you got him cook bro!”   
  
  
  
He had fucked up. He had a chance and once again he had been fucked by his inner monologue. Curse his amazing story weaving abilities that captivated even himself! If only he wasn’t so enchanting maybe he-   
  
  
A rough hand clapped him on the shoulder and he tried to cover up his surprised squeal by busting out his best fake snoring but he soon found himself in a strong hold being scooped up and carried flailing under one arm straight back to hell.   
  
  
  
“Come on man, it’s gonna be great!”   
  
  
  
“Usopp didn’t miss the muttered “And if I have to go I’m sure as fuck taking all of you with me.”   
  
  
  
Yup. Straight back to hell.   



	34. Thursday: Before Dinner

  
Things were getting kinda dull on deck, and that wasn’t an uncommon thing anymore, but it didn’t make him hate it any less. All that there was really left to do was to just think about what had been happening and try and ignore how there were still bubbles kinda everywhere, but a useless amount so he couldn’t do something cool like make a really cool bubble beard. Pointless bubbles were just stupid.   
  
  
All he could really do was just sit there and think about the really important things. Where were they headed next? When would he ever get meat again?  Which word for barfing sounded the funniest? The last one made him grin. He thought back to all the great words there were for manblast and decided there definitely weren’t enough for barf. He could definitely make up a cooler one. There were already a few words for it but lots of them sounded all medical and lame, so at least he had something to do for a while until someone decided to be less boring.    
  
  
There was barf, but barf was kind of a boring word for it at this point, cause they used it too much. Heave was a pretty good one. The eave part really made it fun to say. Then there was vomit, but that one felt too much like a boring grown up word for it. He had been pretty sure he heard Makino call it “tossing your cookies” and that was a pretty funny one, even if it was a lie because most of the time it didn’t involve cookies at all. As funny as that was, lying about food was pretty well an instant disqualification. And cause hurl also means toss, it just got that one kicked out of the rankings too. To think Makino used such a dumb word for it. Where was the creativity?   
  
  
He remembered Shanks calling it yarling in some of the stories he told. And that was a good candidate for first right now. It was fun to say and it already had a cool guy backing it. It probably had a pass to the finals in this weird competition. It was probably a tie between yarl and heave.    
  
  
Puke, spew, regurgitate, upchuck, gag, retch, ralph, blow… these were all alright words, but the real question here, was if he could find a really good word that he made all by himself that was as better than these ones. Sure you could just mash sounds together, but that probably wasn’t gonna get him the results he needed. He could ask Robin, because she probably knew more on the subject on how to make good words. But that would be cheating, and this was a contest with himself so it actually mattered if he cheated.   
  
  
The only obvious way to go about this was to make sounds like you were barfing, and just go from there.   
  
  
“Bleh... gerk… hurk...huagh…” And naturally the only way to do this was to make the sounds out loud so he could decide if it sounded right. How else would he know unless he could hear them?   
  
  
“Luffy, what the hell are you doing?” Franky asked, completely baffled for some reason.   
  
  
  
“Trying to think of a good new word for barfing.” Franky looked at him like he was going to say something, but Luffy had way more important business to attend to. He needed some outside input.    
  
  
“Which is a better word for it do you think? Heave or yarl?”   
  
  
Franky looked at him for a moment before relenting with a sigh. His brow scrunched in thought, he was clearly putting some effort in.   
  
  
  
“I dunno, what do you think captain?”   
  
  
“I can’t decide, stupid, that’s why I asked you.” Luffy chided. Franky didn’t seem all that bothered by any of this anymore. It probably had to do with the fact a man could only be kicked so many times while he was down before he just gave up entirely. He didn’t feel like arguing and making this take longer than it needed to.   
  
  
“Yarl sounds better.” Franky said, after another moment of thinking it over.   
  
  
Luffy beamed “Thank you! Now I can make a good word to go up against it.” It was finally time for him to take his words to the semifinals. He hummed as he thought it over more, because so far all the words he had come up with sucked. There was like a million words, and all the good ones were already taken. It was crap.   
  
  
Luffy gasped staring up at the sunny sky in awe. “What about splooge?!” The perfect word! It came to him out of nowhere and was so much more fun to say than yarl. It was the perfect word from start to finish really. The spl part was good, but the ooge part was the real kicker. He had definitely come up with a quality word that was extra fun to say.   
  
  
Not only was it great to say, but it had caught everyone off guard because he had apparently yelled it out loud. Whoops. He had planned to release it with a little more fanfare.   
  
  
In fact it was so great Sanji had spit the water he had been drinking out in a gross spray, choking at the end. While Zoro raised the cooks arms above his head and patted him on the back everyone just stared, some of them sputtering in shock. He knew he had found the winner of the two. Not even yarl could stand up to splooge.   
  
  
Nami found her voiced first. “Luffy why the fuck are you yelling out- that!”   
  
  
  
Everyone stared waiting for an explanation. Even Sanji was staring at him red faced with his arms still being held above his head, but Franky was the only one who knew what was going on.   
  
  
“Guys he’s trying to come up with new words for barf,” Franky offered quickly before addressing the real problem. “Luffy. Bro. Splooge is already a word. And it doesn’t mean barf.” Franky tried to explain. Obviously it was coming from a place of jealousy because he didn’t come up with the word first.   
  
  
“Splooge is a word because I made it a word, and since I made it up that means I get to decide what it means for everyone. So I say it means barf.” He wasn’t going to let this moment of brilliance get by him so easily. Good words like that were hard to think of. Franky probably didn’t even know because most people don’t even sit down and try and think of new words, let alone perfect words like splooge.   
  
  
“No I’m telling you it already is a word, bro. You didn’t come up with it and it has a completely different meaning.”   
  
  
Luffy narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms at him, because there was just no way. He was going to call him out on his lie here and now. He was going to be so embarrassed when he has to admit that he was wrong this time and it was going to be great.   
  
  
  
“Oh yeah. Well if it doesn’t mean barf, then what does it mean?”    
  
  
“Splooge is the same as manblast, bro.” Franky said without a moment of hesitation like he was supposed to.   
  
  
“Nu uh” was the only reasonable argument he had to that, because he was so ready for Franky to be caught with his not actually real pants down and then he’d be the smart one here. He got up intent on taking a vote to confirm that his really good word was not actually something grosser and more inconvenient than he thought it was. Someone was going to have to side with him on this.   
  
  
He didn’t even get to start asking, his crew already knowing what he was up to and immediately throwing their support behind the shipwright in the worst case of mutiny that he had ever seen. The only reasonable reaction to this was to go back to his spot to sulk. A good word was lost on this day before it even had the chance to really be.   
  
“This is stupid. Why does splooge have to have such a dumb meaning? Now I’ll only get to use it when I catch someone jerkin off. Who even knows when the next time that’ll be.” Luffy tossed himself on the ground in a pout. “It was so fun to say too. Why can’t it just be barf like I want it to be? Then I could say it all the time cause everyone’s splooging right now.”   
  
  
“Sorry captain, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. And please just stop saying splooge. It’s super gross.” Franky asked, putting his massive hands on the comparatively tiny rubber man. For one reason or another, this sparked a flame in him. A new idea came to his head and he was so excited about it.   
  
  
“You know what? I’m just gonna use that word however I want. It’s a good word and I’m gonna say splooge as much as I feel like. It’s my ship and my rules so I’m going to say splooge as much. As. I. Want.” This was a lot of power, but as a pirate he should be free to change the meaning of all the cool words he wanted.   
  
  
“Luffy please stop saying splooge. Everyone’s stomachs are settled right now so you don’t even need to say it.”   
  
  
“But I mean how long until there’s splooge everywhere again, Franky? Our next sploogefest could happen at any time!” This seemed to be enough to get Sanji involved now.   
  
  
“Listen shithead. If you keep saying that word, it’s not going to mean anything anymore. You can either shut up, or you’re going vegetarian once I’m back in the kitchen.”   
  
  
That was downright cruel. He’d shut up and just go back to sulking because sick or not Sanji wasn’t one to make empty threats like that. Even if he wasn’t sure how aware his cook was right now, it wasn’t worth taking the risk seeing as how meat was on the line now. It didn’t stop him from muttering about how Sanji had splooged all over the damn ship not to mention his swordsman.   
  
  
Franky walked up behind him making ‘you’d better cut that out or there’s gonna be trouble’ noises in the back of his throat. Luffy huffed before rolling over and ignoring everyone. Sick Sanji was so much more of a pain in the ass than normal Sanji. He couldn’t wait for this to be over.    



	35. Thursday: Supper

Zoro was cautious to admit he was starting to feel a little better. The waters had been calm for a few hours and the cool breeze that had picked up felt amazing against his damp skin. For the first time in days he was a comfortable temperature. He knew it wasn’t real. The weather had let up but the sky was still cloudy and it was cooler than it should be for late afternoon. He was going to enjoy it while he could because he knew that as soon as Franky herded their asses in for the evening he would be back to nauseatingly overheated. His crewmates weren’t as pleased. Sanji was laying between his thighs cocooned in a heavy blanket that Franky had confiscated from Nami’s horde, one he had accepted without a single objection or outburst. Considering who the blanket had been taken from was a testament to how awful the cook was feeling again. He gazed down at the blonde mop of hair resting against his chest. He was impossibly squirmy, probably because he was both uncomfortable and trying to find a new place to rest where he hadn’t absorbed all of Zoro’s available body heat. A wet snort to his left made him cringe. Luffy peeked his head out of his own nest to wipe his nose across the outside of his blanket before scooting closer to the swordsman. He threw an arm around his captain pulling him closer because not melting made human contact alright.  
  
  
  
  
A massive yawn shattered the peace as Franky stood from his resting spot on the still damp lawn. He brushed some loose dirt off his ass while squinting at his wrist. He gave everyone a quick once over before chuckling. “Alright! It has officially been one hour since anyone has yacked!” A chorus of weak “yays” and sad clapping forced the shipwright to snort and roll his eyes. “Reel back the enthusiasm guys… I would like to add that it has been a whole three hours since anyone on the well behaved side of the ship has puked and one of the perks of keeping your insides on the inside is real food! How does sandwiches sound?”  
  
  
  
Sanji groaned and pulled the blanket over his head. Zoro tipped his head back feeling a little green at the mention of real food. A thud next to him signaled that Luffy had dropped into sneaking mode and was attempting to jump teams to get in on the sandwiches. Franky waited for Luffy to bump into his ankle before scooping him up and bringing him back to his spot. He bent down and tried to arrange a grumbling Luffy who promptly flopped onto the deck in a pout. “If you guys think you can handle it I’ll have brook send you guys out some sandwiches too.” The question as directed at Zoro, who had been picked as the only one responsible enough to make decisions for the three of them.  
  
  
  
Zoro didn’t give it much thought before he shook his head no. Even though he was feeling better, he didn’t feel good about the upgrade to sandwiches. It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t up to trying, it was more an issue of the company that he kept on his side of the ship. Sanji would have definitely bitched about getting crumbs in his hair. Also the longing look Luffy was giving Usopp, Nami, and Chopper as Brook handed them each a plate screamed that he’d be licking those crumbs out of Sanji’s hair. He also had the heavy issues the cook had shared with him in the shitter to consider. Either way, it seemed as though it was a good idea to pass for now.   
  
  
He couldn’t really tell what kind of sandwich they were eating from over here, but from Luffy’s grumbling about how it wasn’t fair that they got to eat ham and they didn’t and how this whole thing was stupid and how he wanted to have sandwiches too, it was a safe bet to say they were ham. It was amazing how strong Luffy’s nose could be when meat was involved. It could be argued that it was stronger than Chopper’s nose in this one regard, which was really something else.  
  
  
Meat sandwiches might not have been the best lunch to serve while Luffy was awake because this was just awful for everyone on this side of the ship. Not only did Luffy not get the food that he wanted but he was still stuck with soup, not even meat tea! He had been upgraded from just broth, but it was still in a teacup drank with one pinky out. It wasn’t the same as actual food and he was making sure everyone knew about it. That complaining had been enough to rouse Sanji. Now that both of them were up and irritated this was now his problem which was just exactly what he wanted.  
  
  
“Can you shut up and let me sleep you shitty rubber man?”  
  
  
“No because this isn’t fucking fair and I will not be silenced!”  
  
  
The two continued to bicker, and both he and Franky briefly shared a moment of accidental eye contact where it was clear that both of them were really tired and neither of them could escape from this hell. Really there was nothing that could be done but accepting their fate and that meant letting the two idiots fight it out until they were too tired to do anything and they both went back to sleep. Hopefully that would be soon, because he was fucking tired and Sanji was fucking tired and Luffy was beyond over tired and Franky just needed a break.  
  
  
  
“Franky…This might have been too soon I don’t think I can-”   
  
  
  
It was an utter disaster. Zoro stared ahead wide eyed as all hell broke loose. A perfect storm of overconfidence and ham sandwiches devastated the other side of the deck. He wasn’t sure who had tipped the first domino but by the end of a wild thirty seconds Nami was hyperventilating with vomit dripping from her hair, Usopp was trying to contain his own output with the nearest blanket and Chopper was a sobbing wreck. Franky stood dumbfounded one hand gripping his hair. “Why- how … you have got to be kidding me…” He wandered over slowly, head in his hands peeking through his fingers at the carnage. Luffy was there in an instant ready to make it worse.  
  
  
“Alright all of you go get cleaned up now. Help each other out the best you can.”  
  
  
“Franky! Look! There’s some tomato over here! Oh! And look! Some ham- wait! A pickle!”  
  
  
As Luffy bounded from one mess to the next identifying all the parts of the dinner he’d missed out on Sanji sat up abruptly blanket falling from his shoulders. Zoro grasped his arm gently and gave it a squeeze momentarily distracted from the train wreck. “I need to get up I have to go-” He released a shaky breath and with the hand that wasn’t supporting him waved the swordsman off letting him know that he needed to get away from the…awfulness. Zoro offered him support as he stood and watched him disappear up the stairs.  
  
  
  
  
While he was distracted Luffy’s enthusiasm had dwindled. He watched Franky gather the laundry with a frustrated expression and then asked a ridiculous question.  
  
  
  
“Franky I’ve done grosser stuff than this right?”  
  
  
  
The shipwright paused. “What the hell are you talking about bro? Why would you want to be grosser than this? It’s not a damn contest.”  
  
  
  
“…But if it was I’m winning right?”  
  
  
  
Franky huffed exasperated. “Luffy if this is a contest, which it is not, I think this outdoes anything that’s come out of you.” Luffy deflated and Franky felt a little bad. “Listen man, I wouldn’t worry too much, I mean, there’s three of them and one of you right? Luffy immediately perked up. “What about with Zoro and Sanji? Have we done grosser stuff as a team?”  
  
  
Franky looked at the undigested food sprayed all over his deck and then into the hopeful face of his captain. He thought back over the disgusting shit he had tried to forget over the last couple days that could compare. He had slipped in a puddle of Luffys vomit and Sanji had choked up a mouthful of fresh puke directly into his hand. Zoro had hurled all over Robin somehow and the stunt Luffy had pulled at the breakfast table the first morning he got sick was still very fresh.  
  
  
“I think…It’s a tie.”  
  
  
  
Luffy immediately burst into a graphic description of every awful thing that had come out of “his team” following closely behind Franky while he hosed off the deck. With everyone fully distracted Zoro decided it was time to track Sanji down before he actually threw himself overboard. He stood with a stretch and after gauging his strength wandered over to the stairs. Luffy’s complaints about not being the grossest finally faded as he neared the back of the ship. He found Sanji just out of earshot looking out to sea with a white knuckle grip on the rail. He looked about as good as Zoro had felt in the bathroom earlier which meant they were officially back to where they had started.  
  
  
  
Zoro leaned against the rail next to him reaching up the back of Sanji’s shirt to rub circles against his lower back. It probably wasn’t helping as much as he’d hoped but offering comfort was all they could do for each other at this point. His hand wandered upwards to work at a knot between the man’s shoulder blades and he was rewarded with a pleased hum. Sanji melted bending to rest his arms and forehead against the rail giving the swordsman a better angle.  
  
  
“I haven’t puked yet you know…” Sanji was smiling weakly at him clearly proud of his accomplishment. Zoro raised an eyebrow obviously skeptical.   
  
  
  
“So I guess you haven’t had an opportunity to test out that information I slipped you in the shitter then ne?”  
  
  
  
Sanji frowned. “I already told you I never see it coming and that’s hardly going to change just because I have some twitch or-  
  
  
  
“I told you it’s not a twitch its more than that! It’s like-”  
  
  
  
“Zoro. It’s no good. I’m glad your little experiment was successful-”  
  
  
  
“Oh don’t say it like that, I was trying to help you and you make it sound like I was-”  
  
  
  
“Torturing me?”  
  
  
  
“…”  
  
  
  
“Okay! But I had good intentions!”  
  
  
  
“You made me throw up until my abdominals stopped working! I thought I was just gonna drown the last time!”  
  
  
  
“I just wanted to be really sure! And I turned you on your side didn’t I?”  
  
  
  
“Well congratulations you’re not just a scientist but a hero to boot.”  
  
  
  
“Don’t be that way curly, I would have saved you from choking on your puke even if it didn’t come with a title.”  
  
  
Sanji snorted and looked up at the swordsman. Zoro frowned. The cook just looked so damn exhausted. He really had just been trying to help. He knew it was embarrassing being ill with an audience, but giving surprise performances to boot had to be tough, especially on someone so obsessed with being presentable. He ran his hand up and down the man’s back trying to find a way to get him to believe that he had sincerely been trying to find a solution.  
  
  
  
“Don’t over exert yourself dumbass, I know you weren’t trying to kill me. I seriously doubt I’ll be able to use your twitch-”  
  
“Dammit it’s not a twitch!”  
  
“- to any advantage, but hey at least you’ll have a split second to know it’s coming before it happens right?   
  
  
  
“I’ll have longer than that asshole.”  
  
  
  
“But only if you’re touching me right?”  
  
  
  
  
“…I might be able to see it in time.”  
  
  
  
Sanji smiled clearly not convinced and although he hated to admit it he was becoming less sure of himself by the second. What if the cook really couldn’t feel it? The man wasn’t actually stupid and he was fairly self-aware, although he’d never admit it out loud. He had just figured that the blond had never been actually ill, and the occasional hangover or sympathy heave over his lifetime wouldn’t have been enough to know. He had thought handing him the information would be helpful but what if it wasn’t? He knew from multiple run-throughs that he could feel it in the cook’s body first. He got the timing down because the tell was visible a split second before ‘the event’ happened. There was a reason Chopper always popped a joint back into place before he reached the agreed upon number. Because that shit was gonna suck ass. And knowing it was going to come only made it worse.  
  
  
  
“Don’t look so glum bastard.”  
  
  
  
“I’ll quit looking glum when you quit looking like your about to keel over.”  
  
  
  
“It’s sweet of you to worry asshole.”  
  
  
  
“I thought for sure when Luffy started identifying regurgitated vegetables you were going to lose it” he threw back not at all surprised when the cook visibly paled a little.  
  
  
  
Sanji exhaled sharply looking ready to hurl at any moment. He swallowed twice before attempting to speak. “Hey… Mosshead… can you go grab a cigarette from my locker? I could really use one right about now.” He looked so pathetic he didn’t even give him shit on Chopper’s behalf. Zoro removed his hand from under the cook’s shirt and turned to fetch the requested items. He only made it a few paces before remembering the cigarettes that Franky has entrusted him with were currently safely tucked into his haramaki. They were probably a little sweaty considering the spot where Sanji was laying on him was completely damp and happened to be directly over where he had stashed them but he was so desperate he probably wouldn’t care. Odds were he wasn’t even going to notice.  
  
  
  
He pulled one out and straightened it a little before holding it in front of the blonde. Sanji startled clearly not expecting results so quickly but didn’t even question where it had come from and snatched it immediately. He placed it between his lips and began attempting to light it up. Maybe it did matter a little bit that they were sweaty, because it took a few tries to actually get it to light.   
  
  
Whoops.  
  
  
After several tries he did manage to get it to stay lit. So it was fine. He didn’t miss the face Sanji pulled after his first drag or the once over he gave his smoke turning it this way and that. He had obviously noticed something was off. It wasn’t like Sanji was unfamiliar with sweat. It was probably like fifty percent his anyways, and the other fifty percent was his own which the cook was also intimately familiar with. This wasn’t a problem. He could deal.  
  
  
  
Actually no. Now that he was thinking about it, it wasn’t a fifty-fifty split. Because that meant that there was only two people’s sweat on it. Now he remembered where these cigarettes were before they were in his haramaki. It was coming back to him with horrifying clarity.  
  
  
  
“Oh shit, those were the same cigarettes that were in Franky’s speedo… all up on his grundle…” He accidentally mused out loud.   
  
  
  
It was all it took to get Sanji gagging. In all honesty the knowledge made Zoro want to puke too. He received a cold glare from Sanji after he had regained some semblance of control. He held up his hands trying to placate the man hoping to avoid a brawl. “Listen. I didn’t mean to say that. But at least now we’re even for that shit you pulled in the bathroom. Now let’s never speak a word of this to anyone. Just finish enjoying your crotch cigarette so we can get back before someone comes looking for us.”  
  
  
Sanji opened his mouth to argue, but it wasn’t his voice that came out. Zoro tried to be thankful that the cook hadn’t eaten anything solid. He tried to be grateful that Sanji had attempted to turn away at the last moment leaving him only partially vomited on. He had of course turned the wrong way and spewed across the deck but it could be worse.  
  
  
Yeah it could probably be worse.  
  
  
  
He heard sandaled feet slapping up the stairs… and he knew he had been correct.  
  
  
  
“SANJI! ZORO! FRANKY WANTS YOU TO COME BACK BEFORE YOU MAKE A-”  
  
  
  
There was a squeak and a thud and then silence from all three. As Luffy sat up examining himself and the puddle he was sitting in Franky came thundering up the stairs, footsteps slowing as he came close enough to truly appreciate the carnage. Luffy flopped back down tilting his head back to grin at the upside down cyborg.  
  
  
  
“OH COME ON!” Franky bellowed one hand ripping his sunglasses from his face while the other pulled at his hair in frustration. Sanji bent in half throwing up all over himself completing the scene. A hoot from Luffy broke through the wretchedness.  
  
  
  
“Yeah! We’re still the grossest!”  



	36. Thursday: Post Supper

Being the only one in the group that was both functional and cooperative had really bit him in the ass this time. He had no doubt been stuck with the worst job that there was on the ship, and that was wrestling Luffy up to at least the showers to hose off his barf coated clothes before they hardened into a permanent crusty outer shell. The incident would forever be a stain on their memories, they didn’t need it stained into their wardrobe as well. He knew that Luffy didn’t care much about his current state, but the rest of them sure as hell did. This would not be another situation where Luffy got his way simply because he could.

That unfortunately meant that would have to out maneuver, overpower, and outsmart their captain. And this was against a man who had neither shame, nor a weak will, and Zoro would have the disadvantage of only having one available arm to drag the rubber idiot along. Seeing as any semblance of shame that he’d had was lost with the time he had spent with Luffy (although he wasn’t much in that department himself to begin with), he wasn’t above literally dragging his captain across the floor behind him on their way towards the bathhouse. Neither he nor Luffy would be pleased about it, but at this point he was well past the point of caring and would rather just get this over with.

Hopefully there wouldn’t be any biting.

He took a moment to come up with a plan. Sanji was wilting by the second and Luffy it seemed was just getting started. Zoro decided it would be best to remove Sanji from the soon to be battle field. The one silver lining of having the plague was that it seemed to make the cook incredibly cooperative. He helped the dazed man shuffle around the mess and flailing limbs and sat him propped up against the wall. Zoro frowned when Sanji just seemed to slide down until his chin was nearly touching his chest. It seemed he was no longer willing to put any effort into remaining upright but whatever. He could lay however he wanted, so long as he put in the effort to sit up while they were all in the tub. They already had one idiot that would need constant supervision so that he wouldn’t drown in there. They didn’t need two.

Franky it seemed was taking a moment to decide where to start in this mess, remaining far enough away so that he was probably out of range of the escalating tantrum. Which was good because his face was resting in his hands and odds were he wasn’t on the lookout for a surprise hit. Not that he really had it in him anymore to dodge. He honestly felt bad for the man, but right now the swordsman was doing all that he could.

At this point, touching puke had become such a routine that it no longer phased him when he wrapped an arm around his captain. That familiar texture and slimy coldness pressed against his skin was a normal part of life, although he wasn’t as comfortable with it as Luffy was. The idiot seemed perfectly unfazed that he was still rolling around in Sanji’s vomit. There was a difference between accepting your fate, and embracing your fate. This was a perfect example.

Luffy was hard enough to contain under normal circumstances, but this was a fucking ride. He was slippery from the vomit that he had lubricated himself in seemingly just for this occasion. He was twisting and thrashing, purposely touching the swordsman wherever he had skin exposed. It was a brilliant strategy and would have probably worked on anyone else but his plan had a couple major flaws. Luffy had underestimated the amount of time Zoro had spent in the last few days covered in Sanji’s vomit and also overlooked the fact that the three of them were heading to the bath to hose off anyways.

“NO! I’M NOT GOING INTO THE TUB! NOT UNTIL FRANKY SAYS WE’RE THE GROSSEST! HE NEEDS TO CONFIRM IT! I’M NOT GONNA LOSE!” Luffy screeched as he made attempts to squirm and shoot away. He wasn’t going anywhere, Zoro was going to make sure of that.

“I’m gonna work on hosin’ off the deck and I’ll get Brook to go check on the laundry so you guys can have some clean clothes to put on. This is horrifying enough without all of you dudes naked too. You got this covered, right?” He could barely hear the shipwright over the dramatic struggles of their captain and it didn’t help that Franky’s voice was muffled as the huge man was slumped against the wall holding his face in his hands... He sounded so tired. A slightly damp hand smacked Zoro in the face.

“Yeah, I got this.”

“Super. Nami, Chopper, and Usopp should be done by now. I’ll find a good spot to stick ‘em until the deck’s been cleared. Try not to make any more messes up there, okay?”

“I’ll do my best.”

“STOP IGNORING ME FRANKY! ARE WE THE GROSSEST YET OR NOT!?”

Zoro winced when Luffy yelled right in his ear, losing just enough focus for the rubber man to slip free of his hold landing on the deck with a wet splat. They both stared down at their captain, running the situation over a few times to be absolutely sure they were understanding the question. They were both at a loss as to why this was important to the guy, but neither of them were really surprised at this point. Luffy had always been the competitive type, but the reasoning behind what he chose to be competitive over was random at best.

Franky, who seemed to be the one in charge of judging this made up contest, gave a mostly dismissive wave of his hand before returning it to cradle his face.

“Yeah, sure. Now go wash up. You’re super gross and you can stop making puke angels alright? Nothing they do can beat this...”

The victory brought a smile to their captain’s face, but it was not enough to get him to be by any stretch of the word agreeable. A bath was a bath and even though they weren’t missing out on anything exciting, even thought they had literally nothing else to do, it was still not worth the risk of missing a possible adventure. He tried to tell them that he would sweat off all the dirt that accumulated on him if they would just give it some time. He even brought up his favorite argument that baths were just straight up dangerous for devil fruit users. The fact that Chopper and Robin bathed regularly with no ill effects didn’t count. No amount of real world logic could be forced upon Monkey D. Luffy. There was no other way. He was going to fight them regardless.

It required both hands and one foot, but he had managed to tie the slippery captain into a knot. It wasn’t too complex but it would hold long enough for them to make it to the bath house. Best case scenario was that they managed to get all the way to the showers before Luffy got free. Worst was that Luffy broke free on the ladder and knocked all of them on their asses. Hopefully Robin was keeping an eye on them. All he needed was Sanji bitching about a broken tail bone on top of this shit.

The captain pretzel was throw over his shoulder with his arm through the gap between his back and his limbs in what was perhaps the most literal interpretation of man purse, but it freed u his hands so he could make it safely up the ladder once they reached that point. Satisfied with his grasp of the Luffy situation he reached down and pulled Sanji to his feet. The cook swayed dangerously and would have definitely landed on his face had Zoro not grabbed a fistful of the back of his shirt. Once the blonde seemed to find his balance he let go only for him to stumble sideways into the wall.

Well fuck.

He grabbed the back of Sanji’s shirt once more, twisting it tightly in his fist so that it pulled taut in the front, effectively turning it into a crude harness that he could use to control his movements. With a nod in Franky’s direction he headed off.

“Bath house is the other way bro”

“God dammit.”

Much like every bath time ever, Luffy yelled and protested. The fit his captain was pitching was causing him to sway and stumble. Being tossed around may have been relaxing for the cook, but it wasn’t so much for the swordsman. He may have been doing better than he had earlier, but he still suffered from serious vertigo whenever he was on his feet for more than a few minutes. This was just hell in every sense of the word. He took a deep breath resolving to move forward and to just treat this like training.

The worst training he had dealt with at this point, but training.

It felt like forever before they reached the library and the ladder but for once it seemed everything was going his way. Luffy was still struggling but his knots were holding up and the rubber man couldn’t seem to break free. And just when he was prepared to throw Sanji over his shoulder and carry him up the cook surprised him by reaching for the ladder himself, aware enough to know where they were headed and attempting to get there on his own. He made it almost all the way up with a little support from behind before deciding the ladder wasn’t the worst place to cuddle up and give up on life. By then he was close enough that Zoro could wrap an arm around him and haul him up the last couple steps.

He set the man down as gently as he could once he reached the top and was surprised to find Usopp and Chopper seated against the closed door to the bath. It wasn’t hard to imagine why they were out there. The pair of them looked miserable but it came with being covered in vomit, and they were all too familiar with that particular misery

“You guys too, huh?” Usopp asked, staring down the pitiful trio.

“Yep, Luffy could’ve saved himself if he hadn’t voluntarily rolled in puke.” He gave a pointed look to his captain.

“Well we’re the grossest again, so you’re welcome!” Luffy shouted, taking a brief break from flailing to brag. He immediately resumed his assault as soon as he was sure everyone was aware of his victory. Usopp and Chopper both offered the same confused look, before deciding it was best to just not ask.

“So how long has she been in there now?” Zoro asked, trying to control the squirming rubber limbs that were attempting to make their escape.

Usopp frowned. “Going on 5 years now in ‘I’m covered in vomit time’, but actually? Probably only 20 minutes or so. I doubt that she’ll be too much longer. She does know that we’re waiting out here. And I’m sure that she’ll hurry up now that she knows Luffy’s here too.”

Zoro grunted in acknowledgment while he kneeled down to arrange Sanji who was still flopped haphazardly on the floor. He propped his first idiot against the wall and once he was sure the blonde was steady enough not to just flop over settled in nearby making sure enough of his second idiot was pinned behind him to be manageable. All five of them settled into a comfortable silence occasionally punctuated by the sounds of water splashing in the tub or the air being forced out of their captain when Zoro got tired of his angry mutterings and smooshed him a little against the wall. It worked a few times, but nothing could stop Luffy for long.

“Zoro I can’t have a bath!

“You can and you will captain.”

“But we’re all out of soap.”

“I heard you didn’t manage to commandeer the soap from the bathhouse.”

It’s not even Thursday!”

“Actually it is.”

“Well… er…You didn’t bring me any clothes to change into!”

“None of us have clothes to change into.”

“Well you’re all gonna see my ding-a-ling!”

Zoro closed his eyes, a headache beginning to throb at his temple. He massaged it a little finding no relief. When he opened his eyes he was surprised at the look of horror on the sniper’s face. “Yo Usopp, you were gonna see his ding-a-ling no matter what and it’s probably not even the first time you’ve seen it today.”

“No… it’s not that. He’s right, none of us have any clothes.”

“I’m still not following. Are you being weird because of the shit Franky pulled earlier? If you’ve developed some kind of aversion to dicks-”

“No. Zoro. None of us. Have and clothes. None of us.”

“…Oh.”

There was a moment of silence as Zoro and Usopp both processed the facts of the situation. In no time at all would Nami walk through that door and would be wearing nothing but a towel. Sanji was losing enough fluids as it was without hemorrhaging all over the floor. This was it. The poor bastard was going to die.

All three began scanning the small room frantically for somewhere to throw the cook where he would be safe from himself until Nami was far enough away.

“What are we gonna do, Zoro! How are we going to keep him away from her? He’ll die if he sees… if he sees anything really!” Any option was a good option at this point. It would be saving the man’s life.

“We’ll throw him down the ladder.” Zoro said matter-o-factly, getting ready to chuck the chef down the hole. He was tough and had been through worse. This would be nothing.

Usopp scrambled to his feet blocking the way with his body before Zoro could actually throw the chef down the hatch.

“What the fuck Zoro! You can’t just throw him! He’ll murder you!”

The swordsman rolled his eyes. “First off he couldn’t take me on a good day, and secondly he’s hardly conscious, I’m not going to throw him.”

The sniper visibly relaxed. “Oh thank god, I thought you were actually gonna-”

“I just have to shove him a little, s’not like he’s gonna fight me.”

“Gahh! You can’t be serious! This is a terrible idea, he could get really hurt, right Chopper?!”

“Actually Usopp the majority of injuries acquired in falls are caused by your body tensing up in anticipation of getting hurt. Sanji’s quite limp in his current state which reduces his risk of damage.”

“Chopper are you saying this is a golden opportunity for me to push curly down a ladder?”

“That’s so awesome! Zoro let me help-”

“Well no of course not! But if the alternative is bleeding to death-”

Usopp couldn’t believe his ears. There was no way he could let this very bad idea play out because he just knew that when Sanji finally recovered his ass kicking abilities that he himself would be grouped in with the assholes that dropped him down a ladder. There had to be a way to make them see reason! He watched as Zoro began nudging Sanji with his foot. If he didn’t think quick he would be one third responsible for the pervert being laid out flat on his back at the bottom of the-”

Oh no.

“Wait!! You’re not thinking this through! If you throw him down there, then he’ll be laying at the bottom of the ladder while Nami’s going down and he’ll be able to see everything! That’s even worse! Because he actually gets to see- it!”

Shit, that was right. Now what the fuck were they going to do?

The doorknob rattled and all of them froze. Zoro dropped his rubber man bag to the floor in a panic. “Shit! Shit! Shit!” He scooped the cook up bridal style, his head lolling onto the swordsman’s shoulder, and looked around frantically. Usopp was motioning towards the sink, and he was just trying to decide if the sniper meant for him to shove the man below it or use it to knock him unconscious when finally a solution was found.

“Ahh of course! In the toilet!” Chopper squealed. Like a blessing from above, he had saved the day at the last moment. There was no time to lose. At the worse possible moment Luffy, finally breaking free, decided to make a run for it. Zoro had told Franky he could handle this, and he would not be made a liar. He slammed one foot down onto His captain’s face thwarting his escape, and tossed Sanji into the unoccupied bathroom just hoping his head didn’t bounce off the porcelain. Just as Usopp slammed the door to the toilet shut, the bathhouse door swung opened with a puff of steam. They had made it just in time. Everything was just fine.

Nami stepped out of the bathroom wrapped, as predicted, in a single fluffy towel. Her hair was dripping and her skin was flushed from the heat of the bath and oh thank god Usopp had seen this coming because there were not enough blood transfusions on board, hell, possibly the whole damn grand line. She stopped for a moment and looked Zoro up and down ignoring that his foot was pinning Luffy’s cheek to the floor.

“What happened to you?”

“Sanji barfed and Luffy rolled in it.” There was no point in hiding anything. It was a fact of the very cruel reality they were all living in.

“YEAH! WE’RE THE GROSSEST NOW NOT YOU!” Luffy cut in triumphantly.

Nami deadpanned at her captain. “Congratulations. No, I meant the blood on your shoulder.” Zoro tilted his head back as far as his stiff neck would allow and pulled his shirt forward when he still couldn’t see anything. The edge of a dark red stain decorated his sleeve. There was in fact blood all over him. Fuck. Turns out that even in his current condition the idiot cook’s perverted sixth sense was still fully functional. A thud from behind the closed door of the shitter and muttered cursing about someone bleeding all over the floor had Chopper looking concerned.

“Never mind, I think I figured it out.” Nami rolled her eyes and continued on her way. She Stopped at the top of the ladder and gave them each her scariest bitch face.

  
“You better not make a mess, or all your debt is tripled!”


	37. Thursday: Shit Storm

Usopp and Chopper were both quick to hose off before hopping into the warm bath. They actually wanted to get clean, and were willing to help each other out while Zoro worked on a more pressing problem. And that was getting Luffy undressed.

Sanji after being released from the bathroom, (another mess) had slid down the far wall waiting in what Zoro hoped was simply a patient manner and not one that bespoke of brain damage, while Zoro got to work undressing their captain. It would require a little bit of skill to pull off, but he had had months of practice with this at this point, and had faith in his skills.

The shirt was easy enough to wrestle from him. It was a button up and those were easy to slip off. The pants were the hard part. He needed to angle this perfectly, and then have the sprayer ready for when he bounced his naked ass off the window behind the tub and rebounded back towards him. Even if he could just rinse Luffy off a little before getting him into the tub it would be a victory.

He started working Luffy’s fly down one handed while minding Luffy’s flailing limbs. In an attempt to escape from Zoro’s hold, Luffy grabbed onto the rim of the tub. It was a tactic that the swordsman had seen before, where he’d fool you into thinking he was getting in, but really he was just building up momentum before he’d let go and grab the door. Had this been a few months ago, that might’ve worked.

But instead, Zoro took a few steps back with his fingers in the belt loops of Luffy’s shorts. The amount that he had stretched was enough to have his pants come down, and his lower half come flying back just as predicted. Luffy had let go of the tub, and the combined momentum made him do a flip as the two halves collided, and then fell flat on the floor.

It wasn’t quite what he planned, but Zoro took full advantage of the daze the misadventure had left the rubber man in. He grabbed the shower head, and despite the violent protests and injuries he would likely incur, Zoro threw himself on his naked captains back, fully clothed himself, and started scrubbing him down. It wasn’t gentle, but it was effective. There was no room for being nice or gentle during any bath time with Luffy. It simply did not happen.

While he was still distracted by the injustice of his involuntary scrubbing, Zoro grabbed Luffy by the scruff of the neck and dropped him in the tub with a satisfying splash. Usopp was already in there so there was no need to worry about accidental drowning.

That would not stop Luffy from faking with weak flailing and sad garbled noises. When Zoro turned his back on him with an eye roll, he realized it was over and no one was buying his shit. He allowed Usopp to scoop him up and arrange him safely with his head above the water but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to blow angry bubbles and sulk. His rage quickly turned into reluctant joy as he remembered he actually really liked blowing bubbles in the tub, and soon forgot all about the injustice of it all.

Luffy was in the tub, and now that meant that he could get out of these sopping wet, vomit and blood covered clothes. It also meant that he had to get Sanji out of his own sopping wet, vomit and blood covered clothes since he had effectively knocked himself out at the mere concept of a vagina. At least that meant that while he did have to undress him, that there wouldn’t be a fight over him losing the layers that he had piled on.

Of all the times he had to undress the chef, this was probably going to be the least enjoyable, and probably the most challenging. He doubted he would provide any help, and things were only going to be more of a hassle once he got into the tub. Hopefully he could talk him out of a bath and convince him to just have a shower instead. If not that meant that he would be stuck playing lifeguard for two idiots who acted as if they had no bone or muscle at all in the tub.

 

He shucked off his wet shirt and pants on the way over to where Sanji was leaning against the wall. He knelt down beside him being sure to keep his man bits out of the cooks direct line of sight, he knew how he felt about having surprise dicks in his face. He tugged Sanji’s shirts over his head, being sure to keep the worst parts of them away from his face before setting to work on his pants. He had been wrong when he thought there would be nothing to enjoy in undressing the cook on this occasion. He tried and failed to supress a snort at what he saw upon removing Sanji’s pants. It didn’t come from the fact that there was a second pair of pants underneath, but that there was a pair of underwear between the two pairs. None of them were really doing too well in this situation, but this was one of the few gifts that had been given to him in these trying times. Sanji had the decency to look embarrassed when he noticed what was making the swordsman grin so stupidly. This cooks expression told him that this was not a new way of maintaining warmth but an honest to god ‘I accidently put underwear on twice this morning’ mistake. It was beautiful.

“Fuck off, mosshead. I wasn’t awake when I got dressed this morning.” The chef weakly protested.

“I can tell.”

There was a weak attempt at a kick that followed his snarky comment. It was really pathetic, and it just made him not want to keep battling this poor mess of a man. Instead he shut up like he was told, and undressed him the rest of the way, quickly gathering their discarded clothes and tossing them into the established pile. He sat on one of the stools, and propped Sanji against his knees and started hosing them both off. He was a lot gentler with Sanji, because while he was a pain in the ass, nothing he had done to this point had been unprovoked. Luffy was acting like a brat and being physical was the only way to manage him.

He alternated between washing Sanji and himself, being sure to never leave the cook out of the hot spray for long lest he start shivering and whining like a child. Seeing as they were both cooperating he had the chance to really soap up and get clean. It was fucking fantastic. While doing his best at lathering up Sanji’s stringy blonde hair, he spared a few glances over to the tub. The kids seemed to be having a blast playing with bubbles. Usopp had been doing a great job of keeping both of them from drowning in the tub. Maybe a soak in the bath with Sanji might not be so bad if Usopp was there to help out. It had been a stressful few days for everyone, and it might be a good way for the both of them to relax.

Or so he thought. He was just starting to really warm up to the idea when the game changed.

There was a pause in the bubble making, and then too much laughter for what was happening to be wholesome. It seemed they had found a new way to make bubbles. This was a path he had gone down before and he knew from experience that telling them what would inevitably happen never saved anyone from this situation in the past. He couldn’t mention it out loud, because if he did an all-out brawl would be unavoidable between the cook and those idiots. If he did this right, he could save not just his crewmates, but the tub and this whole situation. But step one was to talk Sanji out of a bath.

“Sanji. How much do you trust me?” The blonde furrowed his brow, rolling his head to look up at Zoro with tired eyes.

“That’s a stupid question. I’m letting you touch me while my dick’s out. I can’t really think of a situation that requires more trust than this.”

“Alright, then don’t get in the tub. Just towel off and wait outside for Brook to come with clean clothes. I’ll even help you out there. Then I’ll come back with Chopper and Usopp.”

“Wh- But we’re right here.”

“Do you trust me?”

Sanji paused, but sighed before giving in.

“Fine.”

It seemed as though Sanji would be one less casualty in this possible disaster. Which was great, but there were still two more to save. He grudgingly conditioned Sanji’s hair, which was just a ridiculous waste of time in his opinion, before rinsing himself and the cook off one final time. Leaving Sanji on the floor he went and grabbed a couple of the bigger towels that the girls usually favored. He wrapped one around the cook’s shoulders holding a second in his teeth before he scooped him up and carried him out to sit on the other side of the door. He used the second towel to scrub at his perfectly conditioned hair before forming it into a hood to keep him from getting a chill. If the cook caught anything else he was seriously just going to have him put down. He grabbed another inviting looking towel and, naked yet determined, headed back into the bathhouse. It was time to save his other crew mates.

By the time he got back, Usopp had joined in on this new way to make bubbles. But he could still be saved. He wasn’t going to give up on a crewmate. He’d start off with Chopper, and then he’d work his way up to Usopp.

“Hey Chopper. I think it’s about time for you to get out of the tub. I got a towel for you and everything.”

 

“No thanks I’m-” He didn’t finish his sentence, as instead his face soured and cut it short. He then got out of the tub and Zoro crouched down to help him towel off. There was honestly nothing worse than the smell of wet fur, and that was the last thing he needed.

“Usopp, you wanna come too?”

“Nah, you guys can go on ahead, Luffy shouldn’t be left in the tub alone anyways.” These were terrible words that made his heart sink. Did he not know just how awful things were going to be? Was he so naive to think that this game would end in anything other than disaster? He couldn’t let this happen.

“I think he’ll be fine. You can come out if you want.” He did his best to get his message across with his eyes. Because he couldn’t just say ‘let me save you, Usopp’. That would raise too many questions and make this unavoidable.

“Don’t worry, we won’t be too much longer.” Usopp reassured. That poor dumb man knew nothing of what was coming. He didn’t need to be a martyr, because Luffy would come out with him if he left and all this could be avoided. But the more he would press this issue, the more that they’d dig their heels in and stay.

He couldn’t believe it had actually come to this. This was a tough decision, but they were going to have to learn that there were consequences for their actions, and that he wasn’t as full of shit as they all thought he was. He had given Usopp his out, but he had decided that he didn’t need it. That poor fool. He was going to walk out of this a changed man, and there was nothing he could do for him anymore. He was going to learn this lesson the hard way, because he wasn’t willing to listen to someone who had been in a near identical situation, and knew how this all would play out.

He took a towel and wrapped it around his waist, and he gave one last look over his shoulder at the contest that the two continued to hold. It hurt knowing that he had failed, and that he had to leave a crewmate behind like this. But there was nothing else he could do. Not even Chopper seemed aware. He just seemed glad to be out of that steamy dutch oven.

Defeated, he left the room and waited outside with Sanji, sitting down so that he could let the cook leach off what heat he could. Chopper joined their little pile, as not to be left out and so that Sanji would have someone else to keep him warm. All there was to do now, was to wait and to listen and hope for the best.

For a while there was just laughter from in there. Then it was just Luffy, and then there was silence. After the brief silence there came cackling from Luffy. There was no doubt in his mind that what he had known to be the only outcome in this situation had gone down. And he had a feeling that now Usopp understood why he had offered him the out that he did, and was regretting not taking it.

To his surprise, the cackling soon changed to rage as Luffy came to realize something that he soon found to be less funny.

“THE SCHEDULE!! USOPP! YOU MESSED UP THE SCHEDULE EVEN WORSE! IT’S NOWHERE EVEN CLOSE TO THE TIME YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO POOP! WHAT THE HELL!?” Luffy screeched. Now that was a turn of events. He knew the what, the where, and the how, but it seemed as though he was wrong about the who. Three outta five wasn’t that bad.

“I DIDN’T MEAN TO! Oh my god what are we going to do. We gotta clean this up before anyone- OH MY GOD YOU DID NOT!”

“WELL IT DOESN’T MATTER CAUSE YOU DID IT ALREADY”

“THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT OKAY FOR YOU TO DO IT AND MAKE IT A BIGGER PROBLEM!”

“MINE WAS AN ACCIDENT TOO! IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THE POOP’S ON BOTH OUR HANDS NOW!” He spoke too soon. Four outta five’s a pretty good score.

Chopper looked up at him with big sparkly eyes, and he did not miss him mouthing a “thank you” to him. He gave him a little pat on the head. Sanji was still out of it, he was positive he had no idea what was even happening right now. It was for the best, because he was sure that if he had known, he probably would’ve gone in there and kicked their asses. Or at least make an attempt to. He was in no condition to do any of that, so he’d keep that a secret. Sanji could stay blissfully unaware that that it had ever happened.

“Actually, I’d say it’s everywhere.” He could faintly hear Luffy add after a bit of silence.

“That’s not the point! What are we going to do!? Nami is going to actually kill us and we might kill Franky if he finds out!”

“Well you shoulda thought about that before you pooped the tub Usopp.”

“You pooped the tub too!”

“Yeah, but you started it.”

“This isn’t a ‘you started it’ situation! It’s a million times worse than it should’ve been now!”

“This wouldn’t have happened if you stuck to the schedule like you should’ve!”

“I think that you’ve forgotten that you also pooped in the tub, was that on your dumb schedule?!”

“I’m the captain, Usopp! I don’t have anyone to keep my shit together!”

“We all keep your shit together, Luffy!”

“Well you aren’t doing a very good job! Look at it!”

“OH MY GOD LUFFY, DON’T TOUCH IT PUT IT DOWN!”

Even if this was completely on Usopp, he couldn’t help but feel bad for the guy. He had left him behind and now he was no doubt having actual shit put in his face. They had lost a good man on this day. It was great knowing him. But he really needed to get moving. There was only so much shit that he could deal with, and he had reached his limit hearing about it. It was probably about time that they went to go find Brook to get their clothes. He had managed to save two and he’d be damned if they were drug back into that mess.

Sanji was too big a risk to go down the ladder on his own. He was still mostly out of it, and he had little faith that he’d make it to the bottom by climbing down himself. It’d be easier to just put him over his shoulder and carry him down this time. He picked him up and draped him over his shoulder careful not to put too much pressure anywhere he shouldn’t. He was a little concerned when he received no complaints whatsoever but had bigger problems than Sanji’s lack of grievances. He scooped up Chopper and set him on his other shoulder, and let him hold onto his head as he made his way down.

It was certainly a much easier trip this time. No one was shaking the ladder, and both passengers were cooperative. He was still going down one handed, but that was neither here nor there. It wasn’t even close to the most dangerous thing he had ever done, in fact, even considering it as risky behavior at all was embarrassing.

Franky was waiting for them at the bottom of the ladder. He supposed now would be as good a time as any to break the news to him. He didn’t know how bad the situation up there was, but he had a pretty good guess. Shit in the tub was never a good thing to begin with. Who knows how bad it was with Luffy trying to help. He could still hear Usopp screaming up there so whatever Luffy was doing couldn’t have been good.

“I came to check up on you guys to make sure everything’s alright. Should I be worried about the screaming?” He asked, looking up to the bathroom.

Zoro looked at the shipwright with his tired smile and ruffled clothing. He was about to really fuck up his day. He cleared his throat and helped Chopper down before placing Sanji on his feet…then his knees, and eventually just helping him sit on the floor.

“Well, there’s good news and a little bad news. The good news is, we got Luffy in the tub.” Zoro said, getting some approving nods from the shipwright.

“Alright! Super! I was worried you weren’t gonna be able to manage him being so sick and all. I felt really bad leaving you alone up there but I knew I could count on you! Okay, What’s the bad news?”

Zoro looked at the floor and scratched the back of his head trying to find the best way to ease into it.

“Well, we left Usopp behind with Luffy, and from what I heard while waiting up there outside the door, well, someone shit in the tub.”

Zoro peeked up when Franky didn’t immediately burst into tears or a string of curses. He actually couldn’t read the expression on the cyborg’s face. It was blank and his shades made it so he couldn’t even see his eyes. He could tell it was bad though.

“Someone shit in the tub?” Sanji mumbled, looking up from the floor to Zoro with wide terrified eyes.

“Yep.”

“Is that why you wouldn’t let me get in the tub?”

“Yep.”

“Holy shit… You just saved my life… Thank you.” Sanji’s gaze shifted to the floor, then back to Zoro’s face.

“Should… Should we hug? I feel like I should hug you… or something…”

Zoro raised an eyebrow before bending over to slap a hand onto the cook’s forehead. “I think… you should go lie down. There must be something wrong with you. Franky? Can you check his temperature? I don’t want him going all loopy again.”

“…”

“Franky?”

The well-deserved gratitude of the cook aside, he needed to focus on the main thing here. Franky hadn’t moved or said anything since he got the news. He simply kept staring forward with the same blank expression. That wasn’t good.

“Franky? You doing alright?” He asked, using his free hand to shake the shipwright.

He got nothing in response.

“Chopper…go get Robin.”


	38. Thursday: Post Shitstorm

They had all been sent back down to the deck once they had been redressed. He tried to check on Franky but he hadn’t been in the boy’s cabin and he didn’t want to wander too far from Chopper and Sanji in case Luffy decided to jump into his next disaster and drag them along. His next guess on where he was would probably be either the girls’ cabin or maybe the galley. It didn’t really matter. He was in good hands since Robin wasn’t anywhere to be seen either.

It took a little bit more effort to get settled in than it once had. There was a little more sliding involved seeing as how Franky hadn’t quite gotten the hang of lube clean up. It wasn’t so bad once you found a patch that had been properly wiped up or missed in the impromptu cleaning of that afternoon. It was hard not to be salty about it, but it was really his fault for thinking that the kitchen would be a safe place to hide anything from Luffy’s hands. He had no choice but to just ignore it and be thankful that it was mostly cleaned up…even if it was fucking expensive and should have lasted weeks.

He couldn’t really say that things had gone back to normal after what had just transpired, but they could be worse. Brook was still up there dealing with the mess, and Usopp had separated himself from his group to fully absorb in the shame. Aside from that, you would never know the horrors that had played out on the ship in the last hour.

“So what exactly happened?” Nami asked. Usopp shot Luffy a very pointed look that threatened violence if he didn’t keep his big mouth closed. This got a few chuckles and a bright assholey smile out of their captain. Whether or not he would actually give them all a fucking break and just keep his rubber yap shut for once was still up in the air. Nami stepped in before he could even say anything holding her hands up as if the gesture could halt whatever horrifying tale Luffy was about to weave for her.

“You know what? I don’t think I even want to know.” She decided, looking completely disgusted. With all the gross shit that had been happening on the ship in the past few days, it was highly unlikely that she had actually come to the correct conclusion. She had been grossed out all afternoon anyways, so it wasn’t like this was a brand new emotionally scarring situation for her. She’d be fine. Unfortunately, Usopp still had some residual ‘I accidentally shit myself’ shame and shrank at the possibly implied accusation.

Familiar humming broke the tension as Brook carefully waltzed his way back on deck from the bathroom, leaping down from the top floor and landing on the grassy lawn with more grace than any of them could hope to possess at the moment.

“Oh my, I can see why Franky was so  _ pooped _ , this is turning out to be a  _ crap _ pier job than I had thought! Yohohoho!” Brook laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but probably more for himself seeing as he had just been sent to a room full of what was probably unspeakable horrors and had to spray off both culprits and then the tub itself.

Luffy flopped onto his back laughing and clapping his feet. His mirth only intensified as he watched Nami’s expression shift from annoyed to horrified, and Usopp try to curl into a tighter ball of shame. It was far too soon for Zoro and Chopper to laugh about it. They had only narrowly avoided the situation after all. Sanji seemed to be preoccupied with his own thoughts. He was fidgeting and nervously glancing around the group like someone was just gonna jump up and throw a handful of shit at him. He was probably still recovering from the thought of what would have been the worst thing to happen to him this entire shit show.

“Well Franky’s going to be having a little break, so that means I’ll be the one keeping an eye on you for now.” There was a paused, and he readied himself for the incoming bad joke. “Which is unfortunate, because I don’t have any eyes! Skull Joke!”

“Skull joke!” Luffy parroted, despite the amount he was laughing over this.

It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate what Brook was trying to do, but most of them would rather just rest now. There had been a lot of stuff that had just gone down, and the only one who was really enjoying any of this was Luffy, who was the cause of most of their headaches, and he felt no shame in his actions. But it was a great way to keep him busy and to maybe tire him out a little in time for bed time, which would be amazing because that meant that it would be a lot less of a hassle to get him down for the night at a decent time.

“But that was some mess that was up there, I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw it. Or I would have if there was any skin for me to jump out of! Yohohohoho!”

“So is this part of the sickness? Is it going to be happening to all of us now?” Sanji quietly pondered. He wasn’t sure if he was actually asking him a question and expecting an answer, or if he was just trying to talk this all out for himself. It wasn’t loud enough to be heard by anyone else, so at least this wouldn’t turn into a group debate, however it looked like it was probably on him to step in if it started getting out of hand.

“I don’t own enough pants if that ends up happening. I don’t think I even have… enough in me for that to happen. Then what would fall out of me? Would my insides actually fall out through my ass? Is that even a thing that can happen? What would happen if I started gagging and shit myself at the same time? There has to be something I can do to keep it from happening. Puking is different. I can’t just block off my throat without suffocating or having it come out my nose…but maybe…”

Okay, maybe now was a good time to step in before things got too out of hand?

“Listen, cook. A lot of weird junk has gone down in the last couple days, and I’m sure that Usopp and Luffy only have themselves to blame for shitting themselves up there. But honestly, vomshits are just a thing that happen sometimes.” He kept his voice low for only the cook to hear. The others didn’t need to get involved in this fucking train wreck. He rubbed circles with his thumb into the man’s shoulder hoping his words had been enough to comfort him.

There was silence from the cook, as Luffy and Brook continued their laughing in the background too taken with their own conversation to notice the latest meltdown.

“There’s a fucking name for that?” He asked in a hushed horrified whisper that was barely audible over the duo cackling just a little ways down the rail.

His thumb slowed and stopped as he realized that maybe he had fucked this up worse. “Yeah, but if it hasn’t happened yet, you’re probably one of those kinds of people that don’t have to worry about that happening to them at all. Besides, you’ve heaved tons of times and there was never any action on the other end.”

“Oh my god, what if you just jinxed it?! What if that’s the way things are going to happen from now on?!” Fuck, he had to fix this fast.

“Sanji, these things don’t usually last all that long. You’re probably already over the worst of it, you haven’t even barfed in a while. You’ll be fine.” There was another pause. Hopefully that was enough to calm him back down.

“Oh my god, what if you jinxed that?!”

\---------------------------

This was one of the worst and longest days of his life. He was so glad to have other members of the crew that were well to cover for him while he took a little breather. He was super fucking tired. It felt a little cruel to just heft all of the problems on to Brook, but there was really no other option right now. Up until now Brook had only really been doing the leftover jobs that kept him far from the action and as a man who had spent the last two days on the front lines he was calling bullshit.

He’d probably feel a lot worse about the whole thing if he wasn’t laying on a bed that smelled like flowers with Robin petting his head while Brook was knee deep in someone else’s shit. If he was being honest with himself he didn’t really feel bad at all, in fact it kinda made him want to smile. Actually he was smiling, a lot, and Robin was starting to look a little freaked out so he was gonna stop.

“Brook seems to be on a roll out there, although he may have struck a nerve with everyone else.”

“Oh ho sis! Be careful that almost sounded like a… well, you know.”

She gave him a wink that brought that dopey smile back to his face before propping himself up on an elbow. “Is everyone else ok? I mean I know I’m supposed to just be resting but I’m kinda invested at this point if you know what I mean.”

Robin hummed while rearranging the cloth resting on his forehead. “Luffy is having a fabulous time, Usopp is as well as can be expected, Chopper is napping, Nami has removed herself from the situation, and Zoro is helping Sanji through a personal crisis.”

Franky nodded and settled back against the pillows. Sure everything was fine now but it was only a matter of time before something went wrong because bedtime was fast approaching. There was nothing about bedtime that went easy, because they all had their own sleep schedules and making them all follow it was like pulling teeth, especially with Luffy. Brook would fuck up eventually and if and when he was needed back in the fray, Robin would let him know. Until then, he’d just lay on the nice, clean bed that he was going to guess was Robin’s, with a nice, cold cloth over his face. Things would be fine for now.

 

He had a beautiful woman at his side and a vomit proof wall between him and the chaos. For a short while none of this was his problem. He looked up at Robin and she offered him a warm smile patting his arm gently. Oh yeah this was great. Now, he was gonna take it easy, and let Brook take care of everything.

 

“Hey, just wake me when you want to go to bed so I can take this super awesome relaxation time to my workshop. I can crash down there tonight” Franky yawned before rolling over . “I can probably slip by them if I’m quiet.” A gentle hand on his arm had him looking back over his shoulder.

 

“Or you could spend the night here.”

 

“Naw I couldn’t put you out like that Robin, where would you sleep?”

 

She let her hand slide down to his wrist, a smile on her lips that made his insides feel like jello.

 

“Oh… OH!”

  
His face hurt and he knew he should stop smiling, but this was the best fucking day of his life.


	39. Thursday: Bedtime 2: Electric Boogaloo

Perhaps he had overestimated his skills. Sure he had managed to herd everyone into the room, but now he was unsure of what to do. He was never really the responsible type in these situations, so he was sort of lost on what came next. Most of them had retired to their own beds, except for Nami, who had taken his, and Luffy and Sanji, who stood outraged in front of the tarp, refusing to lay down.

“Now I know it’s probably not the most comfortable spot, but Franky said you both still have to sleep on the tarp.”

“Like hell I’m sleeping on the same tarp as him. I’m sleeping in my own bed. Last night was a fucking nightmare, I’m not going through that again.” Sanji protested.

“If Sanji’s sleeping in his own bed, then I am too!” Luffy joined in arms crossed and pouting, because obviously there wasn’t enough chaos in this whole situation so more had to be added.

“I can see where you’re both coming from, even though I don’t have any eyes, but Franky said it’s much more convenient this way. Besides, if memory serves, your bunk is directly under Luffy’s, Sanji. I don’t think I have to tell you where the puke’s going to go if Luffy throws up in the middle of the night. You don’t want to chance stepping in that, do you?

“You weren’t here for what happened last night, so I’ll fill you in. He threw up on me because, oh shit, we were laying side by side on a fucking tarp! And don’t get me started on waking up with his fucking dick in my face! There is no way in hell that I am reliving that shit again tonight!” Now Brook didn’t blame him for not wanting to share a tarp with his captain. He wouldn’t volunteer to either. It would probably be impossible to get most of them in the tub if the situation arose during the night, considering what had just happened a few hours earlier, even if he did clean it.

“I know it’s not ideal, but it really is the most convenient place to keep you both. You two haven’t been ill in a good while, so there’s no need to fret.” He attempted to reassure.

“If we’re not throwing up, then it should be fine for us to sleep in our bunks like everyone else! Why do we need the shitty tarp in the first place!?”

“Sanji, you are really rattling my bones, young man. If this keeps up I won’t be singing you all a lullaby.” Perhaps a scolding would do better to get this child’s hissy fit under control.

“I don’t give a shit about a lullaby! Just let me sleep in my own bed, dammit!”

  
  


“Sanji, you’re in no state to be all riled up like this! Just lay down and take it easy. It’s not that much different from sleeping on the deck, is it? I mean Luffy spent a lot of time on the other side of Zoro, so as far as I can tell, that’s the only difference.” Chopper chimed in. The skeleton was glad to have someone else on his side in all of this.

“If Sanji ruins everything so we can’t have a lullaby, can we have a story instead?” Luffy muttered while finally relenting and laying down.

“Well I suppose that would be up to Usopp, he is our resident storyteller.”

“But it’s so laaaate, I just wanna get to sleeeeeeep.” This didn’t go over too well with Luffy, who let out a long answering whine in response.

“Just a quick one... You didn’t even finish the last one properly, so you owe us now.” He complained.

Usopp was a capable man and the skeleton was sure he would be able to handle their captain with as much grace as the rest of them. He’d leave them to find a suitable compromise on their own and use the distraction to make sure that everyone else had what they needed and were ready for bed. He did find it suspicious that Sanji had quieted down so much and so quickly. It was the type of behavior you would expect from someone who was up to something.

His suspicion was correct, as he found the man trying to sneak off to his bed and away from the tarp while everyone else’s attention was on Luffy and Usopp.

“Don’t think you can slip away that easily, young man! If Franky said that you’re sleeping on that tarp, then that’s where you’re going to sleep!”

“I told you I’m not fucking sleeping there!”

“Sanji, you will sleep there or there’ll be hell to pay!” Hopefully his most serious voice would make him listen. He was thrilled when it had the desired effect, Sanji stopping dead in his tracks and leaning heavily on the table. His stern words seeming to leave the man breathless… However it wasn’t like he was an expert on the subject now was he?

“I’m not… I won’t… you can’t…”

He watched Sanji’s eyes roll into the back of his head and then the man was tilting. Before he could even register what the fuck was going on Sanji was sprawled across the floor in a dead faint. Perhaps it wasn’t the most masculine sound that Brook had ever made in his life, nor his second life, but given how alarming the situation was, it was doubtful that anyone would criticize him.

‘Drama queen.” Luffy muttered flopping back onto the tarp with a crinkle.

“Someone go get Franky!”

Usopp, being the fastest and the second most adult, immediately gave himself the task and leapt out of bed to go fetch Franky. Nami and Chopper scrambled from their beds to join Brook in his freaking out over their fallen comrade. Luffy was muttering angrily about the unfairness of it all, and Zoro was still mostly asleep but slowly realizing something was happening.

“Is he breathing?! Check for a pulse!” Nami hissed.

“Oh my god Brook he isn’t dead is he?!” Chopper wailed.

Zoro stumbled over looking concerned enough in his still kind of asleep daze. “What th’fuck did he do now?”

Franky burst into the room and as he did it commanded complete attention. He was the alpha adult in this situation after all (second only to Robin, but that was high praise all things considering). Unfortunately that also meant that his attire was very obvious, and that meant that they could all see that he was very much so not wearing his speedo, unless he had a very secret lacy one that he only wore alone at night. He did have rather feminine hips compared to the rest of him.

“What’s going on in here?” He asked, rushing over in his bottoms that gave him very little coverage.  Everyone took an appropriate amount of time to come to terms with what Franky was modelling. Chopper was the first to snap his mouth shut and give his head a shake, trying to dislodge the mental image of…that.

“Sanji just passed out! He just dropped to the floor while he was arguing with Brook! I told him to stop but he didn’t and now he’s down! I should’ve been keeping a better eye on him to make sure that he wasn’t too dehydrated especially after his nosebleed, but now it’s too late and I’m a sham of a doctor!” Chopper wailed.

This was a disaster in all senses of the word. He had been given one task and as he looked over his unresponsive crewmate he knew he had definitely failed. He just had to make sure that everyone was in bed and stayed alive so Franky could rest. Now the man was here, swooping in to save the day single handed and in lingerie no less! It certainly was a new way to make a man feel inadequate.

“So what should we do with him, Chopper?” Zoro asked, leaning over the commotion, finally seeming to be fully awake.

“Why are you asking me?!”

“Well, you are the doctor.”

“Oh right.” And Chopper went from crying child to full doctor in nothing less than a clearing of his throat.  “Alright, we’re going to need to set him on an IV drip. He’ll need at least one bag of fluids, two if he handles them well. He’ll need to be supervised and his urine output monitored. I want to be sure his kidneys haven’t been damaged.

“Alright, I’ll give you a hand with carrying him over to the sick bay.” Franky sighed.

“Stop!”

Franky froze just as he was starting to bend over. “Let me hand him to you just…please don’t bend over” Zoro muttered eyes averted while he scooped Sanji up bridal style, dropping him into the Shipwrights arms.

Franky looked down at himself seeming to realize that something was amiss. If he were to hazard a guess, when Usopp had disturbed them by pounding on the door he had panicked. No he really felt bad for having to disturb them. Not only because he had ruined a perfecly romantic romp for the two of them, but because now they were all subjected to look at his ballsack. It was an unfortunate turn of events in every sense.

“Hey! Why does Sanji get a bed and not me! That’s not fair at all! I wanna sleep in a bed too!” Luffy complained, trying to follow after them.

“This is different. He needs to be hooked up to the IV. Do you wanna be hooked up to the IV? You can only sleep there if you have one in.” Chopper lectured.

Luffy thought about it for a moment, then sulked and trudged back to the tarp.

Zoro stepped up next to Franky “I’ll keep an eye on him in there so the you can get back to sleep. You deserve a night off.”

“You really don’t have to do that, bro.”

“It’s fine, s’not like I’m not used to him being attached to me anyways.”

“Alright, if you say so. Brook, you keep an eye on things here.”

“Of course!”

“WAIT!” Their captain screeched from his spot on the floor. He pointed an accusing finger at his swordsman. “Are you going to have an IV?! You have to if you’re going to sleep in there! Chopper said it’s a rule!” Luffy looked downright smug. The little bastard was just itching for a fight but sadly Zoro didn’t have it in him to deliver.

“Chopper could you set me up too?”

The little reindeer looked up at him with tired understanding eyes. “Of course Zoro, you could probably benefit from some extra fluids.” Zoro bent down and scooped the little doctor up in his arms. “Or you could just stick me and not hook it up to anything at all, I don’t want to be up all night pissing” Zoro murmured quietly for only Choppers ears. “He sighed burying his face in Zoros warm shoulder. “Yeah whatever you big idiot.”

The four headed to the infirmary, leaving Brook alone with his three patients, one of whom was muttering angrily about IVs being stupid.

“They were lace… They were lace and I could see through them and... Oh my god… it wasn’t even all in there. Why was he wearing those…Why would he do that to us?” Usopp looked up at him with wide scandalized eyes.

Brook sighed looking over his remaining three charges. “Yes, well, those were two bone chilling situations back to back I would have to agree. Nami dear, please don’t be offended if I neglect asking to see your panties in the near future. I’m afraid I will need some time.” Nami offered him a weak nod still looking thoroughly scandalized.

The four sat in relative silence until Luffy couldn’t take it any longer. “Usopp didn’t tell us a story yet.”

“Ah, I suppose that is true. Usopp? If you would.”

“Ugh…I guess I’ll start my story then since we are never going to bed...” He cleared his throat. Now to bullshit like he’d done so many times before .

“One day while he was out patrolling the seas, Sniperking heard the cries of people in need. So he followed the sound and spotted this massive warship. They were in clear need of assistance. He had to board the ship somehow to go help those people. He pulled out his trusty…”

“Kabuto”

“Right, right. His trusty Kabuto and shot a…a thing with a rope on it to get onto the ship. Once he got on there, he saw that this was not a normal ship like he had previously thought, but standing on this ship were giants. Like the real deal. He looked like an ant compared to them. That’s how much of the real deal they really were. In fact, had it not been for his quick thinking, he would have nearly been squashed. But he quickly used his Kabuto to shoot the same thing that he used to get on the ship to get onto the giant’s shoulder.”

“What seems to be the problem?” He asked in his best Sniperking voice.

“Oh Sniperking, you’re just in time. There’s this terrible dragon that’s attacking our ship and none of us can get it. If we don’t get it soon, we’re super screwed.” He said in a lower voice to clearly show that it was the giants talking.

“So once more, Sniperking drew his trusty Kabuto and took aim. And then he hit it square in the eye. The dragon died and fell right onto the deck. Everyone was amazed, except for Sniperking because it was a calculated move and went exactly as planned. The giants cheered and then they all had a big feast to celebrate. The end.”

The room was silent now, and was now only greeted by the familial snoring of their captain. Every one sighed a collective breath of relief.

“Thank god….”


	40. Thursday: So Late it Might be Friday

He couldn’t remember the fight he had been involved in but he was a thousand percent sure he had lost. Obviously he had been drunk. He only woke up this achy and nauseous when he got overconfident at the bar and had to be hauled back to the ship. He cracked an eye open testing the brightness of the room. He sighed in relief when it was perfectly dark. Obviously nighttime and the infirmary. He’d had the worst fucking dream. Everyone was sick and throwing up, he’d been tricked into smoking a cigarette that Franky had drug his balls across. He’d been openly affectionate with Zoro, and Luffy had hurled in his kitchen. He reached up to rub his eyes and felt a tug at the crook of his elbow. He peered at the tube taped there that led to a clear baggie at the top of the pole. He dropped his arm back to the bed with a groan. Fucking IV fluids. He sat up carefully holding his head before peeling off the surrounding tape, cautious of jostling the needle while it was still under his skin.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“He startled hissing when the needle jerked. That was going to fucking bruise like a bitch. “Can it Marimo, you know this is exactly what you would do.”

“I said I wouldn’t do it if I was  _ you _ . I’m not the pansy who fainted while we were going to bed.

“What are you talkin-”

His memory caught up slowly…before it full on slingshotted him in the nads.

“It wasn’t a dream…” he whispered horrified.

“Nope. You hit the floor hard. Brook freaked out a little. Usopp ran and got Franky ‘cause I guess two days of looking after us has made him the new doctor. I had to remind Chopper that, you know, he’s the one with the fucking medical knowledge. He said you were really dehydrated and that trying to recover from your pervy nosebleed used up whatever you had to spare and so you fainted. Franky carried you up here and Chopper hooked you up to the IV.”

The bed springs protested when Zoro shifted to sit on the edge. He took Sanji’s arm examining the damage the cook had done. “Looks ok”. He stood shuffling over to Choppers desk digging through the drawers looking for something. “Everyone wanted to stay, I swear to god we almost had a fucking sleepover in here. I told Chopper I would swap out your bag for a new one when this one finished and promised to let him know the moment you took a piss.” Zoro made a pleased noise finding what he was looking for in the top drawer. It was a roll of tape. He trudged back to the bed and flopped down heavily taking the blonde’s arm in his hands gently and reapplying the tape carefully.

 

“He wants to know when I piss?” Sanji asked grimacing a little.

 

“I’m sure it’s some important doctor shit, he mentioned kidneys, and you know he was worried about you.” Zoro scowled down at his own arm where a matching needle was taped. Sanj followed his stare and frowned. “Shit, you too?”

  
  


Zoro looked puzzled before realizing the cook was looking at his own useless IV. “Oh this? M’ok it’s nothing.” The sickening sound of both tape and skin tearing filled the room.

  
  


“What the fuck! Don’t just rip it out like that!”

  
  


“Don't worry cook it’s not even hooked up to anything.”

  
  


“Well then why-”

  
  


“Seriously, don’t worry about it.”

 

Sanji gave up with a sigh before stretching back out across the bed. Zoro turned to lay down beside him but stopped, a thoughtful look on his face. “Do you want to be big spoon or little spoon?” Sanji rolled his eyes. “You know being big spoon is a pain in the ass when Choppers got you hooked up to shit.” Zoro hummed knowingly before stretching out behind the cook.

 

Sanji wiggled around until he was comfortably nestled against Zoro’s body. “ Marimo, when this is over I'm not touching you for a month. I've met my affection quota for at least the next year.” Zoro snorted into the blonde's hair. “Bullshit. Don't lie, you fucking love this cuddly crap cook.” Sanji elbowed him in the ribs. “Don't tell me what I love asshole, i’m serious. You can't expect me to believe you aren't sick of me after two days of this shit, I'm fucking sick of me.” Sanji complained into his half of the pillow. Zoro chuckled pressing a kiss to the back of the cook’s neck. “ No more sick of you than I usually am dumbass. Now we are in a room, in a bed all by ourselves, and all I want to do is sleep. If that doesn't convince you of how much I need this then I don't fucking know what will cook.” He didn't receive an answer but Sanji quieted down and Zoro finally started to drift off again.

  
  
  


“So you said this almost turned into a sleepover?” Zoro groaned, wishing they had left the idiot passed out on the floor. He rubbed his eyes in frustration. “Luffy was so pissed when he found out you got around the rules and were going to be sleeping in a bed tonight instead of on the tarp.” Sanji growled instantly irritated when Luffy’s name came up. “What the fuck is wrong with that rubber bastard anyways? He’s been a fucking dick to me this whole time and I’m getting really sick of it.”

Zoro knew they weren’t supposed to talk about the incident, but it was really fucking things up between the captain and his cook. He looked down at Sanji and saw genuine hurt in the man’s eyes. They were both clearly upset and he couldn’t stand to watch it anymore. “Something happened yesterday afternoon with you and Luffy. You don’t remember it because your fever got out of hand and some shit happened that doesn’t matter-

 

“Was this when you showered because I threw up on you and couldn’t remember doing it?”

 

“Ya… we aren’t going into details because, like I already mentioned, it’s not important, but you said some stuff to Luffy that really hurt his feelings. He’s been a brat to you ever since.

 

Sanji’s eyebrows furrowed trying to remember anything but grew frustrated when he came up with nothing. “That’s not fair, how can he hold shit against me when I wasn’t even lucid enough to remember saying it?

Zoro gave him a look that said ‘are you serious this is Luffy’ and he had to concede that the swordsman had a point. “Are you at least going to tell me what I said? I can hardly fix it if I don't even know what he got upset about.” 

  
  


The man had a point. But he couldn't tell him he had not only fired Luffy but kicked him out of the Baratie for life without opening a can of bullshit he’d never be able to get the lid onto again. “Trust me when I say I can't tell you cook.” The blonde huffed and muttered angrily but eventually settled down, shelving the matter for another time.

 

Zoro burrowed deeper into the pillow getting ready to finally fall asleep again when Sanji started to squirm.

“You got ants in your pants cook?”

“Don’t even fucking joke about something like that… no, I have to piss.”

“Chopper has one of those piss things under his desk.”

“I’m not a fucking invalid you bastard!”

“Fine, then get up and go take a piss!”

“I will don’t fucking rush me!”

He felt the bed shift as Sanji sat up. Zoro counted three failed attempts at standing before he sighed dejectedly, he just wanted some fucking sleep. He climbed over the cook and to his feet, grabbing the man’s arm and hauling him up to stand as well. While the blonde sputtered indignantly at being manhandled and because he could have done that himself Zoro thrust the iv pole into Sanji’s hand and wrapped an arm around his waist.

“No fucking around, I’m tired. I’ll help you to the closest railing. You’ll piss. We go back to bed. I’ll tell Chopper in the morning. Got it?

“What the fuck are you talking about, I need to get to the bathroom I’m not pissing off the side of the ship-”

“And I’m not dragging you and that pole down the stairs and then back up again. You look like you’re about a minute from just pissing right here on the floor and at this point I’m not opposed as long as it means we can crawl back into bed sooner. So what’s it gonna be cook?”

“…”

“Fuck! Fine!”

……………..

  
  


Zoro was doing his best to remain patient, but he was pretty sure the cook’s bladder was going to explode before he got over the stage fright.

“I will fucking squeeze you Sanji.”

“Don’t pressure me!”

I know you've done this before, I have seen you do it! I’m not sure what the fucking problem is but I promise you nothing is going to jump up out of the ocean and bite off your fucking co-”

 

“Just shut up! Give me one fucking minute alright?!”

Instead of mentioning the five he had already been waiting Zoro shut his mouth obediently and waited…until finally…

“Fucking finally.”

Zoro rested his head between Sanji’s shoulder blades waiting for him to finish up. He was so fucking tired that he almost didn’t notice the puddle forming around his feet.

“Sanji that had better be sea water I’m standing in.”

“...”

 

“It’s fucking windy ok!?”

“More like you’re fucking dick can’t reach far enough to even clear the fucking rail!”

“I’m sick and I’m cold alright?! I can’t fucking control it! There’s a reason I wanted to go to the bathroom!”

“So you could piss all over the floor I there?! Fuck if I had known I would have just hung you over the side of the damn shi- you’re still fucking doing it! move your fucking hips closer! Fucking hell Sanji!”

Zoro wrapped an arm around his middle and lifted the man onto his tiptoes while shoving him flush against the rail.

“Let me the fuck go!”

“I’ll let you go when you stop pissing my pants!”

 

Sanji hung his head giving up and just waiting for it to be over which took an agonizingly long time. Chopper would be so happy. When it was all said and done Sanji rearranged himself before turning to the swordsman while still glaring at the floor. He was embarrassed at how bad his aim had been and lamented the fact that he was not wearing shoes.

Zoro took pity on him clapping a hand over his shoulder. “S’ok cook. I don’t know what it is about being sick that makes your dick crawl up inside your body but mines practically an innie right now too if it makes you feel better.” Sanji scoffed at the swordsman. It did make him feel better but he would never admit it.

“C’mon puddles, let’s go back to bed.

“What did you-!?”

Zoro tried to hide a smile. The way the cook’s voice jumped an octave when he was well and truly embarrassed would never get old. He hooked an arm around the man and started moving back towards the infirmary. He had scored an entire night in a real bed without the rest of the crew to keep him awake with farts and snores all night, and he wasn’t even fucking injured. It was a sweet deal and a little piss and Sanji’s squawking wasn’t going to ruin it for him.

“Bastard! Don’t fucking call me that in front of anyone!”

“…”

“Hey Asshole!”

“…”

“Zoro?”

“…”

“Zoro please…”

Yup he was gonna sleep like a fucking baby tonight.

 


	41. Thursday Night: Raisin Betrayals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 369 Days... Lets pretend I painstakingly wrote seven words a day every day since our last update. Lets pretend I wasn't playing pokemon and watching cartoons while you waited and waited...and waited for an update on this story. I apologize to those of you who have to start over from the very. Fucking. Beginning. Because its been so looooooong. It is not abandoned and the shit show will go on :)
> 
>  
> 
> __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

His feelings were hurt, his tummy was empty and the world was cruel. He was one man, all alone in the world with just a crinkly tarp to keep him company. What really upset him was that he was the only one forced to sleep on the floor, and that Sanji got to lay in a nice comfy bed in the infirmary and Zoro was there too. He was still mad at Sanji, because he wronged him and hadn’t even apologized to him yet, but at least if he was here they’d both be in the wrong. Misery enjoyed company and he wasn’t going to let something like getting kicked out of a restaurant on the other end of the world that he hadn’t visited in months get in the way of dragging a crewmate down with him.

 

And no one else was sick enough to get banished to the tarp, because everyone was already feeling a lot better than he was. Like it was his fault that he got sick after everyone else. It was probably one of them who got him sick in the first place. And while they slept all comfy in their beds, he was stuck on the floor and this was all bullshit. 

 

This had to be some sort of mutiny, right? Because it sure felt like everyone was against him right now. It wasn’t like it was his fault that everyone was jealous that he was the grossest one on the ship. If they didn’t want him to outdo them then they shouldn’t have gotten him sick in the first place. That was basic knowledge. 

 

And another thing was that he wouldn’t be here all alone if Sanji hadn’t gone and tossed his cookies so much and then was terrible at drinking water and fainted like a bitch. Didn’t he know it was important to drink water? He’s the cook! He should know these things! Most captains would fire their cooks for lacking such basic knowledge! He sure was lucky to have such an understanding captain. He wouldn’t fire him but he could sure as hell blame him for pretty much all his misfortunes. He was probably the one who got him sick, even though Sanji tossed his cookies after him it was most likely his fault….and it was also Sanji’s fault for making him think of that stupid way to say puking. Most of the time it didn’t even have anything to do with cookies so why was it even a thing. 

 

The only time he could maybe think of cookies and puke having something to do with each other was when you eat a whole bunch of ‘em. And even then that only happened if you were weak and then it didn’t even matter cuz you would easily be weeded out because of that. A true pirate could eat as many cookies as he wanted without tossin ‘em back up. Maybe that’s why it was called tossin’ your cookies. He couldn’t imagine it had anything to do with actually throwing cookies because that would be insane. The only cookies that should be tossed are the ones with the raisins that don’t look like raisins at all and look like chocolate chips and you don’t know they’re not chocolate chips until you’ve taken a bite of one and you don’t get a mouth of gooey delicious chocolate you get a mouthful of chewy fruit and disappointment and all you can do is stare at your chef because how dare he betray you like this on your own ship with these traitor cookies. You can’t fix a raisin cookie. That would mean you would have to unbake it. And no matter how hard you try, you cannot unbake a cookie. 

 

Brook lay awake on the bunk where he had chosen to rest his bones while he kept an eye on the crew. Luffy had snorted himself awake nearly ten minutes ago but instead of falling back asleep like he prayed he would he had started to mutter angrily. “Luffy? Are you quite alright down there? It’s too dark and I can’t tell if you’re upset or about to poop yourself.” Brook, someone who was presently on thin ice for having a bed, asked. 

 

“I’m mad because you can’t unbake a cookie.” Because obviously, what else could he be mad about. Raisin based betrayal was the worst.

 

“I… hmmm. Perhaps this is a topic better suited for the morning? I’m sure Sanji will be willing to have a thorough discussion with you on the subject of baked goods.”

 

“That doesn’t matter because I’m not talking to him because I’m mad at him.”

 

“Oh of course! Pardon me! But Luffy you were talking to him a few hours ago before you fell asleep, don’t you remember?”

 

“Yeah but I forgot I wasn’t talking to him. And I got mad about cookies so I woke up.”

 

He could feel Brook’s eye sockets narrowing at him. He could see it a little bit, but it was night time so it was mostly too dark to see anything. 

 

“Why were you thinking about cookies?”

 

“That’s a dumb question and you should think over what you just said.”

 

“Ah…. Good point.” 

 

“And you ruin a perfectly good cookie by putting raisins in it and then you can’t fix it and you’re missing out on the amount of cookie you can eat cause you gotta fish out the raisins to give to Zoro cause Sanji’s trying to trick you into eating fruit even though I’ll eat fruit without the cookie you don’t have to trick me into eating fruit and now I feel betrayed because raisins look like chocolate but they don’t taste like chocolate and I’m not allowed to eat real food yet!”

 

“Oh my god Luffy. I swear to god that if you don’t shut up right now I’m going to shove the entire length of the clima-tact down your throat.”

 

“I’m not allowed to eat solids yet! Pay attention, Nami!”

 

“I’m gonna throttle both of you if you both don’t shut the hell up and let me sleep!”

“I’LL FIGHT ALL OF YOU!!” He was getting up. These were his friends, but he’d fight them. They got to sleep on comfy beds and he was stuck on the floor so this was plenty fair.

 

“I’m not fighting you, Luffy! Go to bed! This is probably why you’re still sick! You won’t stay still long enough to get the rest you need! You’re probably gonna make the rest of us worse, and if not, just a bigger mess for Brook to deal with. Now go to bed before you rile yourself up too much and you barf!” 

 

“WELL MAYBE THAT’S WHAT I WANT!”

 

“Oh my god! Just go to bed!”

 

“I DON’T HAVE A BED RIGHT NOW I HAVE A TARP!”

 

“Then go to tarp Luffy! It’s late and we’re all tired, and I’m not going to fight you on this anymore.” 

 

“Then let me sleep in your bed.” It felt fair that way. Then no one would be tarped.

 

“What?! No!”

 

“How come you guys all get to sleep in beds and I don’t.”

 

“I’m pretty sure we were already over this. Because you won’t stop barfing in you sleep… or while your awake or ever really.” Usopp cut in.

 

“Yeah, so?”

 

“Luffy can you just be reasonable for like one night?”

 

“No. Don’t ever suggest that again. Lemme sleep in your bed.”

 

“Luffy you can’t sleep in my bed either. My hair is way thicker than yours or Nami’s. I already had a gross incident with you earlier, and that’s my monthly quota. I can’t do anymore.”

 

“That was your own fault. How is it my fault you-”

 

“I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT IT ANYMORE. IT WAS BAD ENOUGH THE FIRST TIME.”

 

“I don’t even want to know what this is about.”

 

“Well Us-”

 

“LUFFY SHUT UP!!”

Brook came over and sat Luffy back down on the tarp, and then laid down with him. Looking over, Luffy could see that Brook had a shower cap on. He kinda wondered how he got all his hair in there, but it was probably best not to question it. 

 

“Will you go to sleep if I sleep on the tarp with you?” Brook offered, becoming his current favorite and crawling back off of thin ice.

 

“Hmmmm… Okay!” 

 

Luffy flopped onto his new tarp mate with a grin. Next time Sanji made cookies that weren’t filled with betrayal and he stole them out of the oven he was definitely sharing one with Brook. Half of one with Brook.

 

He was definitely going to tell Brook about the cookies.

 

______________________________________________

 

Zoro did not in fact sleep like a baby. It was Sanji who slept like a baby, in that he woke up every twenty minutes to piss, throw up or just to bitch and keep you awake because he had the power to do so. They had gone through the same song and dance twice more out by the rail and both had to ditch their pants before Sanji had finally conceded that he was in fact an invalid and allowed Zoro to get the “piss thing” from under Choppers desk. In hindsight the swordsman should have accepted the win and kept his fucking mouth shut. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or just the awkward situation of holding a piss jug in front of the already humiliated cook but he couldn’t keep himself from instructing the cook on how to properly aim in his best Chopper voice. 

 

He came to laid out on the infirmary floor with the side of his head throbbing. He could see Sanji sleeping relatively peacefully in the bed and when he rolled his head to the side found that the asshole had set the fucking jug right next to his face. He wasn’t even near the bed so the fucker had put in the extra effort to be a prick. He stood up grumbling and swiped the fucking piss thing up to go dump it overboard noting that it was still warm so he hadn’t even gotten a decent amount of rest. What a waste of a kick to the head.

 

When he had finally crawled into bed behind the cook and the man didn’t stir he’d thought he was home free. He began to drift off thinking that this cuddling shit in a bed was pretty nice but had to wonder why the cook always drew the line at actually falling asleep together. They had napped together plenty of times but whenever Zoro woke up it was to find Sanji reading or bitching that it was “about time his lazy ass woke up”. The more he thought about it the more he realized that out on deck was the first time Sanji had actually fallen asleep with him and he could hardly classify that as sleeping together. No, this was different. Feeling the gentle rise and fall of the other man’s chest was soothing in a way he didn’t know it could be and the feverish warmth that radiated from him wasn’t entirely unpleasant. For the life of him he couldn’t fathom why they had never found themselves in this position until now. His answer came moments later when a blinding pain in his groin sent him crashing to the floor. He choked and wheezed positive that at least one of his testicles was now lodged in his throat. He sat up with some nasty words on the tip of his tongue but they left him when he caught sight of Sanji’s face, totally relaxed in sleep. 

 

He blinked stupidly for a moment before scrutinizing the other man’s face, waiting for that stupid smirk to show up that would confirm the other man was an insufferable asshole but it never came. Aside from burrowing deeper into the pillow with a soft moan Sanji did nothing. Alright so it had been an accident. He rolled onto his knees and shoved both hands down his remaining boxer shorts roughly to make sure his balls were both still outside of him and not bleeding profusely. Eventually the need to cry melted away and the agony in his pants died down to a steady need to vomit which eventually passed as well leaving only a gut deep ache that he didn’t expect to leave him ever. He crawled back into bed a good fifteen minutes of suffering later, wrapping an arm around his partner gently before resting his head on the pillow. 

 

He had just begun to relax when another blinding pain erupted across his shin and he found himself bouncing off the floor, but not before he received a solid slap to the side of the face. He sat bewildered for a moment before the irritation took over and he stood up once more ready for a fucking fight but, yet again, Sanji was blissfully unaware of the ass kicking he was dealing out. Zoro walked around the bed to get a good look at him. If the cook was faking then sick or not they were gonna have it out right here in the infirmary. He watched him for any signs of wakefulness but as he listened to his even breathing and watched the faint movement under his closed eyelids he had to admit that the man had definitely attacked him twice in his sleep. He sat on the edge of the bed experimentally ready for the man to lash out but was baffled when instead of attacking him the blonde snaked an arm up his thigh and wrapped it around his waist awkwardly seeming to be content with the contact.

 

Maybe he just needed to take things slow. The swordsman spent the next few minutes slowly shifting until he was lying next to the blonde, who still had one slender arm firmly attached to his person. He cautiously relaxed feeling quite pleased that he had found a way to work around the-”

 

“BANG!”

 

Zoro looked around startled by the loud noise. It took him a moment to realize he was no longer in bed and the bang had been his ass connecting with the hard floor.

 

What in the actual fuck.

 

Zoro stared up at the bed forlornly. He was so damn close to a decent night’s sleep but yet still so fucking far. Of course he could sleep anywhere but that didn’t mean he didn’t appreciate a god damn bed. He briefly contemplated moving Sanji to the floor to sleep with the damn piss jug, but the odds of losing his remaining testicle were worrying. A soft groan and the bed creaking drew his attention. He watched Sanji squirm around uncomfortably before finally seeming to curl in on himself even farther. Zoro curled up in a ball on the floor and allowed himself a moment to feel sorry for himself. He was sick, his balls hurt, and he kind of smelled like pee and this was fucking unacceptable.

 

“You’re Roronoa fucking Zoro goddammit!” he growled out as he pulled himself off the floor and marched back over to the bed. “You are Roronoa fucking Zoro and no shitty cook is going to keep you f-” the swordsman choked on what was left of his pep talk when said shitty cook rolled over with a groan and his eyes fluttered open not focusing on anything in particular. He held his hands out in a panic hoping somehow the gesture would soothe the blonde back to sleep. Seconds felt like minutes as he watched Sanji burrow deeper into the blanket he was tangled up in and even after his eyes had closed and breathing had evened out Zoro was still wary. 

 

“You… are Roronoa… fucking Zoro” He whispered so softly he could hardly hear himself. He repeated the mantra as he slowly curled up at the foot of the bed, careful even then to keep to the side farthest from the cook. He gave the blanket a gentle tug but abandoned it when Sanji sighed in his sleep. This would be fine. He was Roronoa fucking Zoro, and he had slept through worse. Probably.


End file.
